SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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Sweetness has rushed over to Poopydoo II’s house. She’s unimpressed by his disappearing act of earlier today. She tells him everything went fine without him, “it always does”. Ouch. He asks about the sonogram, she tells him the doctor found something. It sounds like there’s something wrong with this baby too, a bony growth on the baby’s spine and skull. Sweetness looks pretty cut up about this news (Bruce is very good in this scene) but tells Poopydoo II that he loves her, no matter what. Oh, dear. That is not a good sign. Poopydoo II is not as easily impressed as Poopydoo and wonders what’s going on inside Sweetness’s head (if anything). He tells her “you and this baby are my hopes and dreams”. I hope she doesn’t suffer from pregnancy-related diabetes or this could finish her off for good. He offers to get her a warm glass of milk and they can go to bed. Dun dun DUNNN!!!!

Hoorah! Mulder walks into the Roanoke County Hospital and Scully has finally arrived! She bitches Mulder out about being asked to come down, and he is nowhere to be found. He tells her he was down in the basement (familiar territory) at county records doing a background check. She says, “Mulder. It’s me. That’s your cover story, remember.” And I’m pretty damn certain that Gillian Anderson is definitely standing on a Gilly ramp for this scene. Seriously, she’s about a foot taller than she should be. He’s been checking into Wayne Weinsider’s history, but Scully tells him that there’s no evidence anyone did anything to Poopydoo, who is now in a coma. Scully gives Mulder a reasoned, scientific précis of Poopydoo’s condition, but Mulder is clearly just waiting for it to be over so that he can embark on a flight of fancy. He tells her that “not a shred of evidence is exactly the evidence I’d hoped you’d find.” Rightio, then. It turns out Sweetness’s real name is Ivan Veles, and he’s been prosecuted before for two dead wives, but acquitted for lack of evidence. Apparently he’s also known as Bud Hasselhoff (don’t Hassle the Hoff – hee!) and Gordy Boitano (what would Brian Boitano do?) and I think the writers were having some fun there. Ooh, the name Veles is synonymous with the Devil in Slavic societies. Impressed yet, Scully? The look on Scully’s face suggests not. Mulder thinks that the evidence proves that Sweetness is a devil, but Scully thinks that the only thing it proves is that Mulder is a nutbar. It’s just as well he’s so sexy. Then Mulder says, “I’m not a psychologist.” Really. And here I thought you’d gotten some sort of PhD from Oxford and worked as a behavioural profiler. Don’t you have to be a psychologist to do that? OK, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that Mulder meant he’s never practised clinically, but it still sounds like BS to me. Scully just closes her mouth, knowing that whatever she says won’t matter.

Sweetness is warming up the milk. I have to say, it looks a bit thin. It must be skim. He pours it into a glass and carries it upstairs. I’m thinking he should check the use-by date on the carton, because it sure does have a nasty green glow. Perhaps it’s on the turn. He gives it to Poopydoo II: “This’ll put you to sleep on a cloud, where troubles melt away.” Who wouldn’t be suspicious of a man who talks like a Hallmark card? Inexplicably, Poopydoo II seems to be impressed by this malarkey and she drinks her milk placidly.

Back at the House on the Hill above Bates Motel, the police are using some sort of technological thingummy to search for buried things, but I’m guessing it’s not treasure they’re seeking. There’s digging, explosions, flashlights and cars, ooh – and Mulder and Scully. Yay! Apparently, the technology is subterranean mapping equipment from Richmond P.D., but they’re not having much success so far. But immediately, someone makes a liar of Deputy Arky because they just found something. For a change, Mulder does the medico-babble while Scully unearths what appears to be a tiny skeleton, with horns. Mulder then tells Deputy Arky to put out an APB for his brother-in-law. Um, wouldn’t they get someone else to handle the case? Wouldn’t it be a conflict of interest for Deputy Arky? Oh, hell. Why am I even asking questions? They only give me a headache.