SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Opens with a doctor giving a couple some unsettling news. He has a sonogram of their unborn child and – wow! Bruce Campbell! But yuk! The baby has abnormal vertebrae and something growing on the plates of the skull; that just can’t be good. Bruce looks upset. Apparently his name is Wayne, which is what his wife calls him as he gets up and leaves the room. She’s a bit odd –looking, quite frumpy with truly dorky glasses, but with long red hair. Boy, there are a lot of red-heads in The X-Files. Is this a Canadian thing (even though we’re now shooting in LA)? Enquiring minds want to know…

Wayne is getting himself a drink. He seems much more rattled by this than his wife, who is wearing a pinafore that is a crime against fashion and calling him ‘sweetness’ which is a crime against good taste. You keep that dirty talk for the bedroom, missy! Speaking as a woman who has been pregnant more than once, I would expect her to be the one freaked out. She’s trying to convince Wayne it might be nothing – shouldn’t he be the one comforting her? Get it together Bruce (heh- Bruce Wayne – isn’t that Batman’s alter ego? But we digress…). He ‘just wants it to be normal’. Too bad buddy, this is The X-Files and normal isn’t even in the same universe. She convinces him to go home with her.

Outside shot of what I’m assuming is home for Sweetness and his little wifey. I haven’t seen a creepier place since that house on the hill above Bates Motel. We are apparently in Hollins, Virginia. Oh, isn’t that sweet of Sweetness? He’s bringing his wife a glass of milk before bedtime. She uses it to wash down a tablet that I’m guessing is pre-natal vitamins. I remember those horse pills. It’s nighty-night to Sweetness and Wifey (whose name, we now discover, is Laura) and Sweetness loves her, no matter what. Aaawwwww. Then he goes and calls her poopydoo and I don’t think I can take all of this filthy talk – my delicate pink and shell-like ears are burning.

Which is not the only thing burning, as Poopydoo wakes to a conflagration at the bottom of her bed and the silhouette of a demon. Maybe that was acid she was dropping and not vitamins? The demon pulls down the blankets (cover-hog!) and she calls for Wayne, only to discover he isn’t in bed with her. Now the demon grabs her by the ankles and drags her down the bed and it’s all getting a bit Rosemary’s Baby. Showing an admirable amount of spunk, Poopydoo rears up and bites the demon just where the neck and shoulder meet, but it pushes her down and the subtitling says, [pelvis cracking], and I didn’t need to know that. Sometimes the hearing-impaired don’t mind missing some things. Then we hear a baby crying and the demon picks up a baby, while Poopydoo screams for Wayne and begs the demon not to take her baby. A sister-in-law of mine once insisted that she scared off a demon who was intent on stealing her children, but in her case I was sure it was the acid talking; not that she’s not scary enough to frighten a demon, but I am Sceptical!Scully and I refuse to believe in demons.

Poopydoo now wakes up screaming, and it seems to have been a nightmare. Sweetness wakes up beside her and there’s no fire, no demon. Sweetness assures her she’s having a dream and I can relate, because you do have weird dreams when you’re pregnant. I once dreamt that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were floating above my driveway (I would have thought they had better things to do, but apparently not). Oh no! Sweetness just notices the blood on his fingertips, then tears the covers off the bed, to reveal that Poopydoo is all blood-spattered and no longer appears to be pregnant! Dun dun DUUNNNNN!!! Credits. Doo DOO doo doo doo DOOOHHH, etc.