SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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Oh no! Now the cops have found something outside! What could it be? Now poor Poopydoo is having to confess something she doesn’t even remember to her brother. Mulder is still throwing suspicious looks at Sweetness (and Bruce Campbell sure does bring the awesome, doesn’t he?) and poor Deputy Arky (for that is indeed his name) looks all broken up that he’s going to have to arrest his sister. She is blaming the herbal medication. Let that be a lesson to all you hippies! Sweetness is going to get Poopydoo the best attorney. Just you wait and see. Mulder’s not taken in though. He is the last to leave, and walks past Sweetness and says, “I know what you are.” Sweetness doesn’t look happy at all with this turn of events.

Now we can see Wayne’s red convertible speeding down the road to the tune of Garbage’s “I’m Only Happy When it Rains”. He’s calling Poopydoo II on his car phone (her name is Betsy). He’s late for the sonogram appointment. Poopydoo II is happy to go without him, saying, “It’s just a sonogram.” Sweetness isn’t happy with that and replies, “It’s not just a sonogram honey. It’s a picture of the expression of our beautiful love.” I hope they hand out vomit bags whenever Sweetness is around, otherwise I’m not gonna make it through this recap. Poopydoo II asks what he has been smoking (boo-yah!). He says he’s only five minutes away and Poopydoo II agrees to wait for him, but as he pulls up to the traffic lights, Mulder pulls in beside him and asks him where he’s going and who he’s talking to. Now Poopydoo II wants to know who he’s talking to as well. You’re in big trouble now, Sweetness. Mulder will be asking you about his Norwegian Elkhound next. It turns out that Sweetness is an insurance medical technician and that his work takes him on the road a lot. Mulder makes it clear he will be following Sweetness to his next appointment. Ow, that can’t be good for Sweetness. Looks like he won’t be making that sonogram appointment with Poopydoo II. Mulder offers to race him and Sweetness flattens it as the lights change, a futile attempt as Mulder just catches up to him. I just love it when Mulder puts the pressure on the bad guys this way. Hot!

Sweetness has turned up at Mrs. Britton’s house, unexpectedly. He’s come early to take the blood for her insurance policy, since naturally he can’t let on to Mulder about Poopydoo II. He convinces her that she doesn’t want to be without insurance for a week, so he’s come to take her blood early. Mrs. Britton’s three small sons run through the house like a herd of elephants as he’s doing the test and she calls them monsters (children as monsters – a familiar X-Files theme). Sweetness tells her that he loves kids and has a baby on the way himself. He tells her that he has been trying a long time. Mrs Britton looks at him uncomfortably, wondering how soon this psycho is going to leave her in peace. As he puts away his equipment, she notices some weird bumps on the back of his neck. No, he’s not a super-soldier, this is only Season 6, when the mytharc only just started to go off the rails. I’m guessing these are of supernatural origin. A horn honks and we see Mulder, leaning on Sweetness’s car, waving happily. Oh, that Mulder – he’s such a card! Sweetness asks to use Mrs Britton’s phone. The honking was Mrs. Britton’s kids in Sweetness’s car, playing with everything. I think Mulder probably encouraged them in this childish tomfoolery, that being his speciality. The subtitles for the hearing-impaired describe the honking as ‘playful’. Sweetness strides out of the house, saying he wants the kids out of the car. Mulder says, “Okay, Speed Racers. That’s enough driver’s education for today,” as the kids climb out. Sweetness asks Mulder if he’s having his fun, just as Mulder’s phone rings.

It’s Scully. “Mulder, you’re busted.” Ruh-roh. It turns out Scully has just gotten an earful from Kersh, who Sweetness called to complain about Mulder’s harassment. Why does Kersh rank Scully out for Mulder’s shit? Doesn’t he have Mulder’s cell phone number? Sweetness drives off, saying “Leave me alone,” to Mulder. Mulder tells Scully to tell Kersh that he’s down here doing a background check on somebody. Then maybe later Scully can pass a note to Diana on his behalf, asking her to go steady. Make your own phone calls, Mulder. Scully is less than enchanted with this development.

Roanoke County Jail. Poor Poopydoo is banged up in the Big House and Sweetness has come to visit. She’s asked him to come as she needs to see him. Sweetness tells her that he’s seen attorneys and that due to the circumstances and her emotional state, they feel confident of an acquittal. But Poopydoo didn’t come down in the last shower. She tells Sweetness that his story doesn’t stack up and when he embraces her, she pulls back his collar and sees the bite mark she put on the demon’s neck. Sweetness asks why she went and did that, but he tells her that he loves her and that he wishes she could have been the one. He grabs her tight, and sucks out her life-force, or her soul or something. At any rate, it’s a cool special effect.

The EMTs are now performing CPR on poor Poopydoo who is in V-fib. I need Scully here to explain all this to me. They’re using the defibrillator to try to bring her back and Deputy Arky wants to know what’s happened. Sweetness tells him she just collapsed, the big fat liar. Mulder shoots a suspicious look at Sweetness. Kersh is obviously still just getting his Voicemail or long-suffering Scully is still running interference. Sweetness is doing a good job of pretending to be upset and says, “It was like she died right in my arms.” Mulder looks at him again – if he was Scully, the eyebrow would have climbed so high it would be on the back of her head. The EMTs still keep trying to resuscitate Poopydoo, and they get a heartbeat. Sweetness reacts like this is a nasty surprise. The Deputy runs in to his sister and the EMTs say they need to get her to a hospital, pronto! Another look between Mulder and Sweetness – these two really don’t like each other. If I were Mulder, I’d be a bit more concerned about pissing off the Hosts of Hell, but then I suppose he’s not really religious.