SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

< PREVIOUS

After commercials cleverly placed so that the audience can deal with this Shocking! revelation, she's out in her car trying to call Mulder. In what must be something very unusual and confusing for her, he's out of range. Cut from a close up of the sketch to a close up of Paddy, smoking as he looks out the window to see Mulder driving up. So that's why she couldn't... no, she's gotten through to him driving hundreds of times. I call Jessica again to tell her to shoot Chris Carter as well as Exposition, and she changes her number. He gets out and busts open the front door to find Wench hitting on husband. Maybe she's not a lesbian dominatrix after all. He scampers and I become temporarily comatose for the duration of Mulder's exposition. I wake up just in time to see Paddy watch Wench bring the family back to the house for some reason. I don't even like you people, but run the other way, you idiots!

later, Scully finds Mulder, and she tells him stuff he already knows. And that WE already know. Get to the damn action sequence already! Mulder found argotypoline in the garage - rocket fuel. Husband and Wife realise, as Mark Snow's Elephants Rampaging On Harpsichord sting plays, that it's the caretaker, not the dirver, that is evil. Not that the driver isn't evil, but he's not the human cigarette lighter. Everybody runs upstairs, because he's been left alone with the kids. Clearly, he's not a Protestant.

Upstairs. Mulder and Scully don't find the kids, but do find the driver, who looks a lot like one of the victims of the faceless rebels. Wench yells out, because the curtains are on fire, and she knows Mulder likes flaming things sooooooo much. A photo frame lights up as well, and Mulder tries to flick it with a towel like it's someone in the FBI gym locker room. Part of the flame drops onto the pillow, but we cut away and back to see that fire out, and the rest of the bed ignite. Everybody flees, and as Mulder sniffs the rag, the towel burns up and he drops it. Everybody gets down to the front door, where Mulder starts giving orders, Wife suddenly remembers the reason they all went upstairs in the first place, and everyone else plots a way to vote Mulder off of the island.

Mulder goes back upstairs and finds a jiggly knob, and decides to play with the knob to see if it stiffens (and you can tell I wrote this recap in two sessions, because there are a LOT more dirty jokes in the second half). Behind him, Paddy snarks about calling 911, and Mulder lifts his gun to shoot, which is a sure sign he's going to miss if he shoots. Paddy clicks his fingers, and the hallway catches fire. Mulder looks scared and ducks just in time to be caught on camera doing a horrible half-attempt at a handstand. Paddy, flames, Mulder, flames, Mulder, Paddy leaving. He walks down the stairs and Scully tells him to freeze. Where have you been, Dana? He doesn't freeze. He doesn't freeze at all! Paddy calls her bluff and keep walking. And the Bad British Accent is back. Ugh. Wench thinks it's a good idea to splash him in the face with the A-word for no reason, and he wanders aimlessly for a while. Clearly, 1013 has no idea whether he's supposed to be compared with Catholics or Jews. Who's next, the Amish? (Oh, wait...) Anyway, he gets outside eventually.

Upstairs Hallway Of Dirty Knob Jokes. Mulder finally finds and saves the kids.

Outside. Garden Of Smoking Children And Smoking Hot Pyrokinetics. Muder brings the kids out, just as Paddy decides he might as well go down in a blaze of glory. More flame shots, becuase we just haven't seen enough fire in this episode.

LBO: Lame Bifocal Office. Mulder sits facing away from the door, which opens, Gillian Anderson does an awesome British accent (a lot better than the actual British cast in this episode), and it really shows here. So, Wench is gone, and the world rejoices! She left a cassette behind, but Mulder refuses to listen to it.

Starbuck's Diary. Stardate... oh, never mind. Paddy's in hospital, with a scientifically impossible level of burnage that should have been fixed in post after the internet fans pointed out this same problem just TWO EPISODES AGO. Paddy is getting better quickly, but jail's going to be a bitch. Also, Paddy wants a cigarette.

-----

And now for my final thought: You know, it's hard enough to recap just one of these episodes. But to do it 20 weeks a year would be damn near impossible. I have no idea how Jessica did it, and she had to recap Moronica for most of her time. Poor her. A sympathy fruit basket is in the mail.

Coming up: Recaps by other people. I'll see you in a couple of seasons' time, where I've greedily taken the only Darin Morgan episode on offer, even though it's probably snarky enough already, and I probably won't finish it on time. See you then!

THE END

Recap by raceguy120390