SEASON 1

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SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

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SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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Outside, Paddy carries paint tins and smiles at the kids, who ignore him and continue playing soccer. In their suits. And, yes, I said soccer, not football, even though they're European. Deal with it. Paddy sees the dog digging, waks over to it, and threatens to skin the dog alive. As you do. The camera zooms in to show a hand and part of an arm. Paddy says that he's the caretaker now. Somebody, hold me, before I burst into tears of laughter. Or worse, into song.

LBO. Mulder enters to find Scully at his desk. She asks Sherlock H. Mulder if the game is afoot. SHM tells Scully that it is, but that he isn't putting her through it, precisely because it is a game. Mulder thinks it's a game because he hates fire, and is pissed because it's taken him a decade to forget about Phoebe, and she shows up with a case like this. Oh, puh-leeze. That's like the people who picked on me in second grade showing up to remind me that because I can't draw a vampire and having me getting annoyed by it, given that since then a close friend of mine died in the Bali bombings and my own body parts almost turned against me earlier this year, and I'm now writing about pyrokinesis, people dying on the toilet, and Gillian Anderson's breasts. Oh, and I can so draw them anyway. So, back to the show. Scully offers her help again, and Mulder wants to face his demons. Did we just get transported three-and-a-half years into the future, or is it just me? (You'll work it out.)

Cape Cod. Wife fills the kettle as Paddy peeps. A man coughs, and Peeping Paddy goes to investigate, finding the Marsden's driver. Paddy bums a smoke and mentions going into town. The driver asks for some cough syrup. Syrup, dammit!

Hennesey's Irish Pub Of Bad Irish Accents. A random chick checks Paddy out and marvels at his accent, which to her sounds English. To me, it sounds out of place with all the other accents in this episode. Huh. Paddy lights his finger on fire. Random Chick turns away and yells at her friends to check out the hot freak. She turns back and his whole arm is on fire. Yes, he's definitely hot now. Paddy torches the bar. As flames engulf the screen, cut to where I assume commercials would be. God bless DVD. And to a lesser extent, pie shops in Vermont owned by ex-FBI agents in a homoerotic relationship. I do love me some HoYay.

Boston Mercy Hospital Of Surprisingly Little Mercy. Isn't it amazing how they managed to transplant the entire building into Vancouver, over 3000 miles away, just for an establishing shot? Inside, Mulder and Wench discuss a lead on Paddy. Apparently, no body was found after the bar blaze. Wench asks about those damn accelerants again, and if she say's the A-word one more time, I'm gonna fly over there and torch her myself. The bar was across the street from a fire station, and it was destroyed before they could respond. Coincidentally, the next day's newspaper featured someone wanting men who knew how to use giant hoses and had no problems wearing glow-in-the-dark uniforms. Not in the job section, but it was there. The fire was so hot that the foundation turned into sponge cake. Happy Birthday, Wench! Mulder and Wench visit Random Bar Chick who tells us she was drunk when it happened. She called Paddy's performance a magic trick. I wonder if she ever saw the Amazing Maleeni's act. She says he was good-looking. But she was drunk, so let's ignore The Testimony That Could Describe Anyone Except The Australian Prime Minister. Mulder really wants her to work with a composite artist.

Mulder and Wench leave. Wench comments on his bedisde manners, and Mulder sanrks that he learnt it because of Wench. Why must everyone else get the good jokes at her expense? Wench looks put out. Not in the fire-extinguisher-using way, or the resolved-sexual-tension way, but just sort of... upset. Mulder brings up the Curse Of The Photographic Memory, and Wench mentions doing the nasty on top of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's tombstone. I'll be Mulder's glad they didn't give him an obelisk. But Wench got something hard and pointy inside her anyway, so she probably didn't realise the difference. And between the words 'accelerant' and 'indiscretion', Wench better shut her fuckin' trap. She ignores my surprisingly polite (just ask my friends) request and remarks on the search for a crispy body, and Mulder says that because there's no body, they'll keep looking. Now, why couldn't he use this logic for X and Marita and Spender and Fowley and... no, not that last one. They even abandoned searching for Mulder himself a couple of times. Kill. The. Writers.