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FIGHT THE FUTURE

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Mulder tells Scully that Wench is, in fact, Phoebe Green, from Scotland Yard. Not that that makes a difference to you, since we only have to put up with her for about fourty minutes more, and I can't be bothered writing "Phoebe Green" about a hundred more times, so Wench it is! Back to the show, and Wench and Scully exchange moderately pleasant greetings, and Wench immediately whispers in Mulder's ear, "she hates me". Her, me, and the rest of the viewing and reading audience, Wench. Mulder enquires as to why Wench decided to visit "the colonies". Last time I checked, D.C. wasn't one of the colonies at any point during the American Revolution, but let's go with it for a while. Without an answer, we cut straight to...

Leaky Basement Office! Yay! Although now it's been tarnished by Eau de Wench, it's still worth getting a little excited about. Wench exposits that Windsor Castle was attacked by an arsonist, and so were three British MPs. Mulder, in a surprisingly sane move, wonders if the IRA were responsible. Wench counters that the killer likes to send love letters to his victim's wives. Apparently, this debunks the IRA suggestion because all IRA members have no concept of romance. What sort of crackpipe was the writer smoking, and where can I get me some of that? Anyway, a wife and her family are visiting Cape Cod on an extended (no doubt taxpayer-funded) holiday, so it's time for a road trip! Everybody in the bureau-requisitioned Taurus! Wench leaves the office as soon as Mulder promises the arson squad's (and his own) help on the case. She says "goodbye" to Scully, who returns this with the ever-popular "I-don't-really-like-you-but-I'm-doing-this-so-you-get-the-fuck-out-now-instead-of-pestering-my-partner-to-tell-me-to-be-polite" wave. Gotta love it. As soon as the coast is clear, Scully gets Mulder to sort of (but not quite) explain what a "three-pipe problem" is and Mulder says he was only extending "a professional courtesy". Scully wonders if that's what he calls it, and I am incredibly jealous that I didn't get to make that joke and a little turned on that she did. Besides, if what I've heard is true, that would only be an "amateur courtesy".

Somewhere else in the FBI. Crazy Arson Squad Guy notes, after a small conversation, that people don't usually catch fire all on their own. Thanks for the heads-up, genius! I was so afraid that extending my own "professional courtesy" (whatever rumours you heard about it were wrong) to my girlfriend would make her too hot to handle. Not that she isn't already, but you know what I mean. Wench does a magnificent job here of proposing and rebuking her own theories. That's what happens when you don't have a Dana Scully to do that for you. The weird thing is, both theories are wrong. Sigh. Scotland Yard really SHOULD screen these people better. CASG tries to say that fire is intelligent. CASG is an idiot.

Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Someone uses rocket fuel - argotypoline, for those of you playing "Guess The Accelerant" at home - which ever so conveniently comes in a paint tin to cover the interior walls of a house. A limo pulls up and two kids in hideous matching suits follow a dog out. Creepy Irish Guy from the teaser takes a cigarette out and it lights on its own. I just realised where I know him from. He played an Irish guy named Paddy in "In The Name Of The Father", which you should so go and watch after reading this recap. Doesn't this guy have any range, though? I don't think so, and therefore I'm calling him Paddy for the next 35 minutes or so. It is at this point that I seriously wonder how long this is going to take, because it's taken me four hours to get through almost ten minutes of actual footage.

Anyway, the parents come inside and start ordering the removalists around. Paddy comes down the stairs and slips on a horrendous Bostonian accent as he introduces himself as "Bob, the caretaker." But he can think again if he thinks I'm gonna be calling him Bob. Paddy offers his services, at any time, and walks off. Husband and Wife notice a painting that looks like Wife. The one Bob was 'painting'.