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Inside: Mulder in a penguin suit. He sees Husband and Wife walking up the stairs. Behind them is Wench, looking every bit like the lesbian dominatrix she no dount is when she's not chasing arsonists. I wonder if she knows Moronica "I'm Not A Lesbian, But My Whale-Song Loving Girlfriend Is" Reyes. We fade from Mulder to... a different camera-angle of Mulder, presumably later that night. Behind him, Wench closes a large door, and we see a couple of flashes of bright light. Maybe Wench was possessed by the Oilien! It would certainly almost explainher dress. More Mulder-on-Mulder cuttage. Wench walks up, and Mulder talks like a drunk when Wench asks how it is. But he probably isn't, becuase all the booze is inside the party. Wench asks Mulder very Britishly for a dance, wondering if it's safe, because you never know when the paparazzi are going to snap a lesbian dominatrix. But if Paris/Nicole/Lindsey/Britney were real, you wouldn't have any problem. Mulder points out that the arsonist hasn't shown up, putting the emphasis on "ars-" which the faux-British Wench probably thinks is an invitation to bend over. She even hits on him after that, with a lame comeback about fires. I sneak up and whack her over the head with a fire extinguisher. Scully does the same thing to me, because I did it before she could. The viewing public starts to do the same thing to her, but then they realise it's Scully, and nobody good ever hurts Scully.

Speaking of Scully,, she arrives just in time to watch Mulder and Wench dancing. She turns and starts to walk away, and sees Paddy peeping again. She turns. Mulder and Wench kissing. Turns. Paddy not peeping anymore. Turns. Buzzing sign lights showing a fire on 14th floor. Isn't she lucky she can see all this from the one place? Scully breaks up Mulder and Wench, without bitchslapping either of them, which I find hard to believe. Wench realises the kids are on the 14th floor, becase she didn't send someone up to look after them when Mulder told her to. Mulder runs straight towards the camera, almost kicking it over. Wench and Scully go another way. Having been stuck in an elevator during a fire before, don't they normally stop working during a fire for safety reasons? So what's the deal with that? Besides, since when do Wench and Scully trust each other enough for either of them to leave Mulder alone? Of course, this episode was written by AntiChris[t] Carter himself, so we're still wel above average on the official "whatthefuck-o-meter".

Flames creeping around a corner. Granted, I'm not a science-y person, but even I know that flames go UPwards. Nice try, idiots.

And... commercials! Or, rather, "the black-spot representing where commercials would be!" I'm waiting for a DVD that shows us the commercials themselve so we can laugh at bad hair that isn't Scully's. In the mean-time, here's some random product placement for you: Writer's Guild of America, FedEx, Canada, Major League Baseball, John Kerry for President, Trav... what do you mean, he's not running?!, Are You Smarter Than A Celebrity? [Waves at all the people who really get that last joke.]

We're back, and the flames haven't really done anything in the last three and a half minutes. Mulder! Running! Up Stairs! Past A Fire Extinguisher! (Really.) Scully! Sort of running, sort of doing the dance from the Spice Girls "Stop"! Fire alarm! Mulder, running! Mulder, walking! Mulder, stopping! What! Will! Happen! He opens the door and immediately senses the presence of Cancer Man. Wait, no, that's just actual smoke. He gets on all fours, even though Wench the lesbian dominatrix isn't there, and hears the kids whining to be let out. Note to all British people: If you want my sympathy, don't have such annoying kids. The flames flare up, and Mulder turns around and comes crawling back. Firemen rush up the stairs as Mulder collapses. Mystery feet rescue the kids. A fireman rescues Mulder. All of a sudden, on the ground floor, the elevator "Ding!"s (Chris Carter is clearly not one for logic), and Paddy owns the mystery feet. Well, not own, because they don't pay rent or anything, but you know what I mean. People crowd around and Scully sees Mulder get carried down the stairs. She gives him the once over and doesn't ask what Wench did to him, but you know she's thinking it.

Fade to Scully giving shirtless (but sadly covered - hey, this isn't Californication!) Mulder a drink of water. Mulder asks for Wench, then about the kids. Clearly, we aven't fulfilled our Agents In Underwear quota for this episode, so Mulder gets out of bed and shows off while complaining. Is it just me, or is there a really hairy patch just above his ass crack? Ahem.

As Mulder goes into the bathroom, Wench chooses that exact moment to open the door behind Scully. She butts in, claiming that she "checked out the driver" before the Marsden's arrived. but she didn't because she's a lesbian dominatrix. Whilst the next dialogue is happeing, I call Jessica back and tell her just to shoot Exposition. Mulder returns and both Scully and Wench stop and stare at his crotch. He covers up, becuase only one woman is allowed to see his dick at a time. Mulder asks Wench the same thing he just asked Scully not thirty seconds ago, but gets a totally different answer. Wench leaves, and a few seconds later, everyone gets to see one of only a handful of appearances of David Duchovny's naked feet. Scully shows Mulder a list of rocket fuels. Again with the nitpicking, but as I remember from high school (which I only just finished a couple of months ago), boron isn't that flammable. So why is it on the list? There's a list of servats that Interpol conveniently happened to have lying around, and it's enormous. Cecil Lively is the only duplicate on the entire list, but he died in 1971. Wow, this is an X-File. I ask for permission to wet my pants at how lame this is, as she reveals she searched further, and found him on a list of Satanic ritual sacrifices in 1963, and on a list of recent American visas issued by the British Government. (Plot-hole #47: Don't governments issue visas to their own countries only?) Mulder tells her to call everyone she can while he squeezes in a quickie with Wench. Scully holds her watch up to the camera, and it shows two completely different times for some reason. She finally gets taken off hold at the same time the composite sketch she's been waiting for turns up. It's Paddy, and Scully realises this.