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FIGHT THE FUTURE

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Here's Mulder, in a...darkroom? I...what? They have to develop their own pictures? Also, where the hell ARE they? Now Scully's in a casual shirt in front of a computer in what looks like her own house. They went home in the middle of the investigation? I mean, maybe it's a hotel, but it's a desktop computer. I know her laptop burned up in the pilot, but you'd think the FBI would have gotten her a new one by NOW. Can you even bring a jumbo-sized 1993 CPU and monitor in your checked luggage? Or is she using some hotel computer? That seems indiscreet. Anyway, she's typing up her statement...of the obvious, saying that Lauren and Howard had a close relationship. Yay, we're 21 minutes in and Mulder and Scully have finally figured out what we found out in the teaser. She also says that Lauren's estranged from her family. She figures that if they can find Lauren's "accomplice," the blurry witch hat, it'll all fall into place.

Meanwhile, Mulder's looking at his newly developed pictures on a light table with a magnifying thingy (is that called a loupe?), no doubt hoping to see some more awesome pictures of Blurriest Accomplice Ever. I guess these are the pictures they took during their apparently weeks and weeks of stalking -- sorry, surveilling Lauren. He finds one of Lauren's house and sees figures standing in the window. Now we're in some kind of office/computer lab, where a guy is finally doing the magical TV-land computer-photo-enhancing. It's about time. Next to Lauren in the window is -- a blurry figure! Of a human being! Not shaped like a witch hat! It's even wearing a tie! They "enhance" it some more, and Scully pronounces it Howard Graves. Sure, NOW it looks like Howard Graves. How do you know this computer guy didn't just Photoshop a picture of his face on top of the blur? You two can't work computers! Do you even know what Photoshop is? Well, maybe Photoshop hadn't been invented yet. Also, the computer guy is a middle-aged man wearing a suit -- he doesn't even look like a computer guy. Anyway, we're taking his word for it -- Howard Graves is in the picture next to Lauren, except kind of indistinct. "He's alive," Scully says. "Not necessarily," Mulder says. You're right -- it could be a life-size cardboard cutout of himself that Howard had made for Lauren before he died. My sister has one of David Ortiz. It's pretty awesome.

Lauren's house, on a spooooooooky windy night. Her awesomely fluffy and unusually colored cat that I covet growls and then leaps off Lauren's bed, waking her up. There is a creeeeeeeeaking on the stairs. Oh, scary stories! You never get old. Lauren tiptoes out the door, holding a baseball bat. There are voices -- "Stop! No! Don't do this to me!" "Howard," Lauren whispers. "Please, no!" Howard continues, until Lauren follows the voices to the bathroom and flips on the light. She pulls back the shower curtain and -- the tub is full of water, with a bloom of blood sprouting right in the middle. OK, I'll admit that's a pretty cool and creepy image. The voices have stopped. Lauren stares as the blood continues to fill the tub, then the water swirls down the drain. "Howard," she gasps. "They killed him."

Commercial, or there would have been one back when we had to contend with such things, and then Scully and Mulder are tromping down some industrial stairs at something called the National Bureau of Medical Examiners (man, that must be a fun office to work in) while Scully spoil-sports, "I think Howard Graves fabricated his own death." I would like to point out that Mulder is wearing pleated pants. I disapprove of pleated pants in all forms, Mulder. Mulder informs her that only one man has pulled that off -- Elvis. I just read that Morgan and Wong made Mulder an Elvis fan to annoy David because he hates Elvis. That's kinda hilarious. I also hate Elvis, so I am down with that, Duchov. (I mean, I don't HATE Elvis, I just don't LOVE Elvis, so I might as well hate Elvis, because I constantly have to hear about how awesome Elvis is, which gets really annoying when I don't love Elvis as everyone else does and essentially leads me to more or less hate Elvis. See: Moore, Julianne; Winehouse, Amy; City, Sex and the.) Ignoring Mulder (she's already quite good at that), Scully theorizes gossipily that Howard and Lauren are in some kind of illegal company deal. "You may be right," Mulder says, in that laconic way. "Wait," Scully says, stopping him. "...You think I'm right?" "Sure," he says easily. "All you gotta do is prove Howard Graves is still alive."

Cut to a closeup on a woman who's another Carter regular -- three XFs and one Millennium, and lately I've seen her as the priest on BSG -- who I always think of as the "Howard Graves is very dead" lady for reasons that will momentarily become apparent. "Howard Graves is very dead," she says, absolutely deadpan, if you'll pardon the pun. Zooming out tells us she's Ellen Bledsoe, ME. "May we see the autopsy report, please?" Scully asks politely, while Mulder looks smug. "Knock yourself out," she says, handing it over. Cause of death was arterial hemorrhage -- "four out of six liters of blood down the tub." (Do MEs really say "liters" in Not Canada? I don't know, maybe they do.) Scully observes that some blood work is missing; but they only do those tests if they suspect homicide, which they did not. The body was positively ID'd -- by Lauren Kyte. Now it's Scully's turn to look smug. There's no way to confirm -- he was cremated! Except for his organs. Which were donated. I...geez, this is a lot of trouble to go to to find the identity of a blurry witch hat.