SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Recap by As An Amoeba

Shadoooooooows. I picked this episode because it's really spooky and atmospheric, and because the concept of "ghosts" really makes us think about what it means to toil upon the earth as a human b...heh, just kidding. I picked it because it's full of bad hair, white tights, weird acting, and other entertaining, goofy Season 1-ery. It's just one of those mid-S1 randos that isn't really all that good yet somehow is also a lot of fun. Let's dive in, shall we?

Here in the teaser, we're in an office, which, if the nameplate is any indication, belongs to one Howard Graves, a name which I'm sure will in no way turn out to be a hilarious pun. Someone offscreen is crying. Wow, you really sound like a girl when you cry, Howard Graves. We pan past a glass desk plaque thing on which is engraved the quote: "One To-day is Worth Two To-morrows." This is attributed, in possibly the most hideous Things Remembered-y font ever designed, to Ben Franklin. Let me be a dorky proofreader for a moment and say that the size of the hyphens in that font is seriously wack. Also, a hyphen is not an em dash. And init-cap "is" -- it's a verb! Doesn't matter how many letters it has! Take that, BEN FRANKLIN! Dumbass.

The sniffling continues as the onscreen legend informs us that we're at HTG Industrial Technologies, Philadelphia, PA. We pass a completely accurate and un-retouched photo of someone, perhaps our friend Howard Graves, with I think President Bush (no, not that one -- the other one), and then a picture of the same guy with President Reagan. And one with Clinton! The Clinton one is down lower and has a brown mat. Stupid tree-hugging liberals! Clinton's applauding and looking terribly tickled at something Presumably Howard Graves has just said. Oh, Howard, don't fall for that legendarily seductive charm. You know he'll only hurt you in the end. A woman's hand takes the picture from the wall, and we continue panning to see that the hand, and the crying, belong to a somewhat mousy-looking lady in a headband and an extremely poufy teal silk blouse with two giant flap pockets on the boobs. I used to have a silk blouse very like that, only blue. Remember when you were supposed to tuck shit in and then pull it like, 80 percent of the way back out? Because that was...slimming? Perhaps. In making you look as if you were wearing a tire around your waist, it reduced the apparent size of your ass? Could be. I don't remember. All I know is, you were supposed to do it, and anyone who didn't was a loser. Ah, high school. Could you have been more awesome? I think not. (Also...that's back in style, isn't it? Never mind -- I don't want to know.) Anyway, the crying lady puts the picture of Clinton and Pretty Much Definitely Howard Graves into a box. She's cleaning out the office. What could have happened to Howard Graves? Why is the lady crying? Will we soon see some paranormal activity? Oh, X-Files. You will never, I repeat, never run out of scary stories.

Another woman comes in, telling Early '90s Administrative Assistant Casual, now revealed to us as Lauren, that she's been looking for her. When she sees that Lauren's crying, she stops and kindly offers her some water. I don't know about you, but I firmly believe that water cures everything. Sore throat? I drink water. Dizzy? Water. Headache? Water. Stomach ache? Water. I'm not kidding. Water rules. Lauren declines, though. She and her colleague, Jane, exposit that Howard Graves killed himself two weeks ago, and that Lauren's pretty shaken up about it. Jane suggests that she go home, and hands her her paycheck. Woo-hoo! Remember when your paycheck came in an envelope instead of in an e-mail telling you that your paycheck had been direct-deposited? Jane leaves, and Lauren mulls for a bit and then turns to leave too. But as she approaches the door, there's a sound that makes her turn. The Ben Franklin paperweight thing has slid a few inches over on the desk. Can it be? Did we imagine it, or did it really move? Yes, it did, because the camera showed it to us a second ago while Lauren's back was turned. Hey, way to stretch out the suspense there, guys! Lauren picks up the paperweight, smiles, cradles it to her bosom, and leaves.

Night. Lauren's at the ATM, depositing her paycheck, when she gets jumped by some thugs. See? Direct deposit, man. Can't beat it. Lauren screams that she has no money, but has the shit beat out of her anyway as we fade to black.