SEASON 1

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SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

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SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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As they walk down the hall, Scully tells Mulder that she can tell he has seen it before. "I would never lie," Mulder says smoothly. "I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation." These are what passes for Mulderisms in this episode? Weak, man! Why don't you throw in a joke about how leverage isn't a verb? Now that it's the '80s and America is going so corporate, the jokes just write themselves! It's just yuppie, yuppie, yuppie, spend, spend, spend! (/Steve Martin) Who wrote this one, anyway?...MORGAN AND WONG?!?! Really?? Wow. I did not realize that. I thought I smelled Gordon and Gansa all over this one. OK then.

Mulder tells Scully he's got files with similarities to this case, but none with all the elements in one case. This is what you call a paranormal jackpot, right here. He says he knows what could cause the mystery throat-crushing: psychokinesis. He says this all in his Crazy Mulder voice, which you know he loves putting on to rile Scully up. It works -- she gets all giggly-skeptical (that's something different from bitchy-skeptical or scared-skeptical -- she's got a lot of skepticals, Scully does) and goes, "You mean how Carrie got even at the prom?" According to Mulder, the Russians and the Chinese are doing secret studies on psychokinesis. How Mulder knows this he does not elaborate, but if the Russians are running gulags where they strap you down with chicken wire and pour black oil into your nose until you cut your own arm off, I can believe they're doing psychokinesis studies. Scully silently hems and haws and then...admits that she's intrigued. Of course she is. How can you resist Mulder? He's crazy and hot and he wants to take you on an adventure. You can't not go on the adventure with Mulder! That would just be a waste. They get onto the elevator. Scully stares at Mulder. Mulder stares at Scully. Mulder puts his arm around Scully's shoulder (DUDE! THEY ARE TOTALLY ABOUT TO GET IT ON IN THIS ELEVATOR) and holds up his glasses (oh -- maybe not), and breathes on them, fogging them up. Scully recovers from the arm thing and pays attention to the glasses. There on the lenses are two giant fingerprints. Lord, Mulder, how can you see out of those? Oh, they're one of the dead guys' fingerprints. Smart!

Back at HTG the next morning, Lauren, now in a paisley dress that I think I see Stacy and Clinton throw out every week on What Not to Wear, dashes into the office, a little late. A matronly-looking secretary passive-aggressively observes that it's very nice how Mr. Graves used to let Lauren get away with that sort of behavior, but now Mr. Dorlund is in charge. What with Mr. Graves being dead. So, you can keep on being late to work until your lenient boss kicks the bucket! That's a good rule for the workplace. Lauren asks if she can see Mr. Dorlund. Mr. Dorlund's bitchy gatekeeper consults a schedule book (MeetingMaker, people! Oh, right -- 1993) and prissily informs Lauren that she may see Mr. Dorlund tomorrow at 3. Lauren asks if she can please see him today; it's really important. Just then, Bitchy Gatekeeper's coffee mug tips over. Coffee all over the desk. Lauren whips out a bunch of tissues and helps her wipe it up while Bitchy Gatekeeper flutters and well-I-nevers. As they're cleaning it up, Mr. Dorlund himself!!!! comes out of his office to see what all the ruckus is. Lauren seizes the moment and asks if she can speak to him, and he escorts her into his office.

Once inside, Lauren tells Mr. Dorlund (who reminds me of CSM, and that is one ugly wig he has on) (except I suffer from a deficiency that renders me incapable of accurately guessing when someone is wearing a wig, so knowing me, it's probably his real hair and I just horribly insulted him) that she's giving her two-week notice. Mr. Dorlund says that Jane told him about her crying in Howard's office (for Christ, Jane, that was PERSONAL, you fricking blabbermouth), and he wants her to know she's not alone. He reminds Lauren, while coincidentally and helpfully informing the audience, that he and Howard founded the company, and because they were all such one-dimensional workaholics, the company became their family. Lauren was like a daughter to Howard, and so Mr. Dorlund feels close to her too. Uh, I'm getting the feeling this is all leading to a giant sexual-harassment suit. Lauren, did you read that notice HR put up on the bulletin board in the break room? Because I think you might want to go do that. Mr. D. lays it on thick, telling Lauren the company needs her and he wants to take care of her. Then he suddenly randomly grabs her face and says he won't let her leave. I guess the ghost of Howard Graves -- er, I mean, the mysterious phenomenon of unknown origin that Lauren keeps observing -- has had enough of that shit, and Mr. Dorlund's...gold bracelet?...snaps really hard around his wrist. That smarts! (Seriously, Ghost of Howard Graves, that's kind of lame. Tightening his bracelet to distract him? What are you, the Dog Whisperer? And no, it's not a watch -- his watch is on the other hand. The dude is wearing a gold chain around his wrist.) Lauren takes advantage of the distraction and displays her calm assertiveness by telling Mr. Dorlund she's leaving, and then leaving. Probably wise. "You've got two weeks," Mr. Dorlund says creepily. Do stop by HR on the way out, Lauren, won't you?