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SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

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Back to Mulder, still at the World's Worst Doctor's Appointment (At Least Until Season 8). A huge light (not unlike the one Scully later sees during her abduction) goes on over his head. A man in a doctor's mask leans over him. He looks into Mulder's eye as someone adjusts his wrist restraints and puts the mask over his nose and mouth. Machines beep ominously. Mulder, get a yearly physical and this kind of shit won't happen so much! Dr. Evil (no relation to Seth Green) takes an eyedropper from a bottle and (and this is one of the most squirm-inducing bits of the series, at least for me) squirts a drop into Mulder's eye as his unseen assistant holds it open. Gaaah! I mean, I know it's only eyedrops, it's not like he's, you know, lying on a stone table wearing an iron diaper with his cheeks stretched back by pinchy metal things and more metal things sticking into his nose, while a medieval-looking drill spins toward his teeth, or anything like that. But it still squicks me out. UNKNOWN STUFF in your EYES. Not good, man. Mulder's eye gets all milky (aaaaaaaahhh), and he jerks once on his restraints, and he's out again.

In the car, Redbird touches one finger to the corner of his eye and flicks something away in clipped irritation -- a nice little transition. This isn't any old Sunday-morning drive for Mr. Bird -- we pull back to see Scully behind him, gun pointed at his head. "There are other ways to go about this," Redbird says tersely. "Yeah, I've already seen where you get with tears and a sad story," Scully snarks back at him. Look at Little Miss Sassy Mouth!

The car pulls up to the base's gate, and Redbird kills the engine. A couple of dudes in berets and white gloves (hee) are standing guard. Scully yells at Redbird to start the car. He does, with just the faintest hint of eyeroll. "And put your hands on the wheel where I can see them," Scully adds. Nag, nag, nag! "You do anything stupid and this situation could get big in a hurry," he says pissily. "Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that," Scully snaps. Oh, she is so awesome in this. I mean, she's awesome in lots of episodes, but one reason she's so EXTRA awesome in this is that she's kicking ass while wearing a sassy ponytail and her dad's shirt and tiny workboots and being approximately in third grade. Love!

On the seat beside him, amidst even MORE artfully arranged second-unit glass, now safety (hey! Aliens can turn a pile of broken regular glass into broken safety glass! IS THEIR NO LIMIT TO THEIR POWER?), Redbird's walkie-talkie crackles. On the other side of the fence, a Jeep approaches. The twins at the gate roll it open, and the Jeep drives through. Somebody's getting out...a giant workboot followed by a long leg...it's Mulder! One pant leg is stuck in his boot. He blinks in the sun, looking utterly lost. I do love him so when he's pitiful. I think it started during Anasazi. Oh, Sickly Plaid Shirt Anasazi Mulder. I need a moment.

Her eyes never leaving Mulder, Scully tells Redbird to keep the car running and step out of the car. He does. Man, being a reporter SUCKS. Scully gets out too, keeping the gun trained on Redbird. The sky behind her in this part is absolutely beautiful -- stormy, but it's sunny where they are, so there's a really weird lovely light. Mulder stares at her dopily. "Get in the car, Mulder," Scully orders him, not moving the gun. Mulder sort of lifts his head up all, wha? "GET IN THE CAR," Scully repeats. Mulder looks back at the gate, then starts shuffling unsteadily towards her. Scully nudges Redbird forward and takes his place at the driver's side door. As he passes Mulder, Redbird turns to him: "I just want to say, everything you've seen here is equal to the protection we give it. It's you who have acted inappropriately." In Mulder's head: Blah blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah GINGER blah blah. Redbird heads toward the base, looking forward to all the shit he's about to get for being overpowered by a wee little person in workboots and a ponytail. Someone's getting demoted to Airbase Security Level 1! Mulder keeps waddling towards Scully and gets in the car. Scully reverses for some reason (what, was somebody parallel-parked in front of her that we didn't see?) and then floors it, back to the NON-erased-by-the-government part of the USGS quadrant map, thank you very MUCH.

On the road, she breathes a sigh of relief and smiles over at Mulder. But instead of saying, "Dude, you are not going to BELIEVE the stuff I saw in there -- I mean, literally" or "Those bitches put MYSTERY EYEDROPS in my eyes! I hope you kicked that guy in the nuts for me," or even "Scullyyyyyy! I was just about to see the spaceshiiiiiiip! Five more minutes!", he just stares blankly ahead. "You OK, Mulder?" Scully says. "I think so," he answers. He's speaking in a monotone! The aliens must have really done a number on -- oh, wait, never mind. Scully frowns at him, puzzled by his muted reaction. Finally, Mulder turns to her: "How did I get here?" Oh, crap. Scully immediately starts screaming and freaking out about this is not her partner and they bodysnatched him and replaced him with an imposter. Except she absolutely does not, because that would be a completely idiotic reaction when it's obvious he's just had parts of his memory wiped. Mrs. Budahas.