SEASON 1

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SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

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As it turns out, there is. "You're a pilot, isn't that right?" says Mulder, and throws out a technical plane question. I wonder if Mulder really does have a hotshot pilot friend. I mean, how would he know that thing about the Immelman off the top of his head if he didn't? Just what is up with this hotshot pilot friend? Why haven't we met him? Is he British? Maybe when he and Diana divorced, they lost touch because he was really more Diana's friend. AUUUUUGGGGHHH, I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT. Barf! Never mind. Stupid hotshot pilot friend! Take your Immelman and your sustained 8 Gs and get lost, jerk! So, when Mulder poses this question to Budahas, the good Colonel looks blank. He stammers a bit. He doesn't know! "Anita," he says, seeming to realize. "I can't remember!" Well, God, no wonder she's upset! If she can't talk plane technicalities with her husband all day and night, what use is he? What kind of MARRIAGE IS THAT? I ask you.

As they leave the house, Mulder and Scully are tense. Mulder thinks Budahas's memory has been drained. Scully snaps that the technology to do what he's suggesting does not exist. Well, counters Mulder, neither does the technology to move those crazy flashlights around the sky. Touché!

In the car on the way back to the motel, Mulder's hypothesizing that it would take just about exactly 50 years (the amount of time they would have had since Roswell) for the Army to master UFO technology. How convenient! Scully sort of grins indulgently and gives up for now.

But suddenly, something happens. That's right -- aliens use their powers to give Scully completely different lipstick. BELIIIIEEEEEEVVVVVVE! And after that? A governmenty-looking sedan pulls onto the wrong side of the road, causing Mulder to swerve wildly. The worst doubles in the history of filmed entertainment look very concerned before they turn back into David and Gillian. I think we just witnessed the briefest abduction ever. Or possibly a foreshadowing of the shapeshifter plot. IT ALL MEANS SOMETHING! Anyway, the goons, now blocking the road, get out and one of them knocks on Mulder's window. He's wearing aviator sunglasses, anticipating the trend by almost fifteen years. THAT MAN HAS SEEN THE FUTURE! Is there anything those aliens can't do? "Please, step out of the car," he monotones. Mulder looks over at Scully. "You think if maybe we ignore him, we'll go away?" he says archly. Hee hee hee. I love Mulder. The MIB knocks again. "Please, step out of the car," he repeats in the exact same tone of voice. "Guess not," says Mulder. He steps, followed by Scully. They immediately get frisked, and Mulder's camera film gets exposed. Hopefully he'd already uploaded the pictures to Shutterfly before -- wait, it's 1993! DAMN it! When Mulder asks what's going on, he gets a punch in the gut for his trouble. Scully looks away, pained. They're told to skip town, or else.

Back at the Beach Grove -- do my eyes deceive me? Is that...CASUAL CLOTHING?! Yes, it's true -- not even ominous government threats can sway young, carefree 1993 Mulder and Scully from changing into more comfy outfits when they get back to their rooms. Scully's wearing jeans and a huge blue button-down over what looks like a man's undershirt, and has even seen fit to put her hair back in a kicky ponytail. And to apply yet another color of lipstick. She's on the phone trying to track down the license plate of the car that stopped them, to no avail. "Thanks, Gail," she says resignedly, hanging up. I have always wondered about Gail. I sort of picture Gail as the predecessor to Pendrell. I wonder if she had a crush on Scully too. Or, maybe we could set her up with Mulder's hotshot pilot friend! Scully hangs up, we pull back and -- dayyum, Mulder's full-on reclining on Scully's bed. Or, maybe it's his bed, I don't know. He's changed too -- he's wearing a fetching sea-foam-green polo shirt with the merest hint of chest hair visible, and black jeans. Mulder is also, and I say this only in the interests of thorough reporting, looking HOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT in this scene. This is one of my hottest Season 1 Mulder scenes ever. It's some combo of his hair (which has thankfully been relieved of some of its goop), the green shirt, and, in a few moments, his fine, fine ass. For now we can't see that. But I can. In my mind's eye. "I don't think it was those kids they were chasing away from the base last night," Mulder says pensively. "I think it was us." Well...duh? Did they really think the Army (or the Air Force or whatever it is -- I'm trying here, OK?) brought out helicopters and searchlights to chase away a couple of teenagers who had snuck in on foot -- and hidden completely enough in the bushes that Mulder, who'd been watching for hours, hadn't noticed them -- instead of the two adults who'd parked their government rental car smack in the middle of the road for half the day and most of the night, while one of them stood silhouetted in plain sight on top of a hill actively staring at the UFOs? I never got that. I mean, I never got how it's supposed to be such a revelation at this stage. Scully, however, looks slightly flabbergasted. "They returned Col. Budahas as a decoy," Mulder goes on. He sits up -- HOTNESS -- and decides now is the time to tell Scully that some mysterious guy approached him in the bathroom in DC and warned him that tragedy would befall them should they take the case. "And my phone was being tapped," he by-the-ways. It was very subtle and hard to tell, but yes, it was. "WHAT?" says Scully. Julio at the salon is NEVER going to believe this. Mulder gets up and stands pensively and hotly at the window. I pause the DVD and stare at his butt for a while. The man has a nice butt. Sure, he likes to wave it around a whole lot, but -- there's no denying, he's got the goods to back it up. If you were lucky enough to be in possession of a fine diamond brooch, it would be a crime to wear it hidden beneath a jacket. The same applies to the Duchovny bottom.