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FIGHT THE FUTURE

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So we know it isn't a lover she's waiting for. Plus, Scully would never leave work in the middle of the day to go to a bar to meet some guy. The very idea! Besides, she's busily reading some papers, and who should come along and stick his head into her personal space? Why, it's Fox Mulder! Oxford-educated psychologist, wrote a monograph on serial killers and the occult that helped to catch Monty Props in 1988 (psst: in this episode, 1988 wasn't that long ago). Generally thought of as the best analyst in the Violent Crimes section. In fact, I believe he had a nickname at the Academy. And that nickname, unless I'm very much mistaken, was "Spooky" Mulder. Please note air quotes. Here he is in the flesh, with his sleepy Mulder eyes and his crazy Mulder tie and his moussed-up-to-Jesus hair. With a spit curl. Almost. Oh, Season 1 Mulder hair. You are indeed a delight.

Mulder offers to buy Scully a drink. Aww! He totally almost asked her out! They will definitely be dating by the end of this episode, and probably sleeping together by sweeps. Of course, then we'll have to deal with crap like how, when they're in the middle of shooting aliens, she suddenly asks him if he left the iron on. Goddamnit! That will suck so hard! This show is crap. Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. She says no, because drinking is for dirty whores. She points out that it's afternoon. He points out that that isn't stopping anyone else. They point things out to each other! I suspect they'll be doing that a lot.

He says he has something to show her, and suggests they get a table. As they head in that direction, we pan over a bunch of people, including Dick Cheney (OMG! I think I just solved the mytharc!), and we linger on one man sitting at the bar. Something is suspicious about that guy. I wonder if he'll come into play later. Let's make a mental note, shall we?

At their table, Mulder and his pink lipgloss give Scully the rundown. Budahas used to be a gung-ho military test pilot and now he's gone nuts. And also missing. And it's all very mysterious. His wife called the FBI, and nobody wanted to deal with it so they gave it to crazy Mulder. Scully can't IMAGINE that the MILITARY would do something like KIDNAP one of its OWN PILOTS. The GOVERNMENT! Doing something SHADY! Clearly, Mulder's full of it. Mulder and Scully make limpid eyes at each other during this whole scene. Seriously. Quite limpid. I like to consider this scene the birth of the UST. I don't count the pilot because, well, she was in her underwear, there was giggling over a grave...the pilot was a little off in tone, is what I'm saying, so it doesn't quite count (not that I don't love it). Now we're on track, and instead of Scully freaking out and hugging Mulder while wearing a bra and underpants, she's sort of half-liddedly scowling at him while he sort of half-liddedly smirks at her. THEY ARE SO HOT. This is how I like my UST, baby. Then, Mulder ruins it by getting up to go take a leak.

In the restroom, which appears to have been lifted from an Old West saloon, Mulder's washing his hands when suddenly HOLY CRAP IT'S TOTALLY THAT SAME GUY WHO WAS SITTING NEXT TO DICK CHENEY AT THE BAR! No, it totally IS! Didn't I just tell you to make a mental note about that guy? Geez. Mulder bends down to splash some water on his face (he's so sweaty from all the eye love he just made with Scully), and when he looks up the man from the bar has MATERIALIZED IN THE MIRROR. That means that HE IS AN ALIEN. (Remember the days when anything and everything could be attributed to the mytharc? The Pentagon, creepy twins, a giant flukeman. It all seemed like it might somehow connect. Then we realized that it didn't. Ah well.)

So, this bathroom stalker fellow tells Mulder to drop the case. Mulder and his now entirely different hair would like to know just what the f he means by that. The man says he can help Mulder, he can be his...Deep Throat, if you will...but that he should leave this one alone. A guy rattles the door, which is locked even though it has separate stalls in it. Mulder is astonished! He didn't lock it! Why would he? It has stalls! Clearly, it was locked by ALIENS!

Deep Throat takes off, and Mulder tries to run after him but is thwarted by Chris Farley blocking the door. When he finally gets by, DEEP THROAT HAS DISAPPEARED. With the help of his ALIEN POWERS! Possibly. We pan across the bar, back to Scully sitting with her sexy little legs crossed. She asks Mulder if he's OK. He snaps out of it. Oh, you crazy kids. Forget about Col. Budahas and his rash! Why don't you hop a plane to Maui instead of southwestern Idaho, get to know each other over a few fruity cocktails, open a pet store and live out the rest of your days in contentment? (By the way, I would watch that show.) Heed Deep Throat's warning! HEEEEED IIIIIIIT!