THE X-FILES RECAPS: 7x06 - THE GOLDBERG VARIATION
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7x06: THE GOLDBERG VARIATION

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Apartment Building Hallway. Mulder and Scully are at the elevator and Scully pushes the Down button. She turns to Mulder and totally eyes him. "So, here's the plan, as I see it: we inform the Chicago field office about Weems, leaving it to them to secure his testimony, you change your clothes..." Mulder waggles his eyebrows again and Scully smiles. See! They are totally DOING IT. The way she says that is so suggestive. "...we fly back to D.C. by sunset and all is right with the world." You just know that seeing Mulder soaking wet got Scully worked up. She wants to hurry and get home for some hot monkey love! But seeing as how The X-Files will always be The Only Thing That Matters To [Him] he's all whiny about Scully dropping the case "just as it's getting interesting." Mulder? This is not interesting. Evil alien worms living in the arctic is interesting. Babies all born with a tail is interesting. Heck, a Mexican Goatsucker is kind of interesting. Henry? Not that interesting. Scully's not going for it either. "Come on, Mulder, this guy just got lucky. There's no X-File here." Yes, thank you! Somebody's using their brain. And it's not the person whose brain is apparently dying. "Maybe his luck is the X-File." Seriously, Mulder? You're grasping at straws here. The elevator's taking too long and they decide to take the stairs. Right after they depart, a Mafia Hitman walks off the elevator and heads for Henry's apartment. As Mulder and Scully walk out the front door, Mulder realizes he doesn't have his keys and he probably lost them when he fell. He buzzes Henry's apartment as the hitman kicks in Henry's door. The buzzer startles him, he shoots the lamp, it falls and knocks over the ironing board, Henry jumps over the couch and knocks it over, the hitman trips and flips through the air. Mulder and Scully come running in to see the hitman hanging by his shoelace from the ceiling fan. He's dead and Henry's gone. Wow, Henry sure is lucky!

Lucky Henry's Lucky Apartment. The place is crawling with cops. A photographer is taking some pictures of the hitman's body. "So, you get many of these?" Mulder snarks. The photographer wisely says nothing and moves away from the bad dresser and lame-joke cracker. Scully then tells Mulder that the building's been searched and Henry's nowhere to be found. Mulder tells her that the dead guy's name is Angelo Bellini a.k.a. "Angie the Animal." Scully asks if Henry killed The Animal in self-defense. Mulder's like, "This wasn't a murder. He probably died of a heart attack." Scully wants to know what happened. Mulder tells her "cause and effect." Scully wants Mulder to get to the point because she would like to go home sometime in the next twenty years. Then Mulder acts out the attack I just described up there, all James Bond-y and "whaa gaa!" about it. Scully actually laughs. Then The Animal's shoelace breaks and he falls on the floor. This does little to break Mulder's train of thought. "QED: seemingly unrelated and unconnected events and occurrences that appear unrelated and random beforehand but which seem to chain-react in Henry Weems' favor." Cause: Jeffrey Bell writing this episode. Effect: Boredom. So Mulder basically says that Henry has somehow tapped into "dumb luck"[/Scully]. Well they've certainly got the "dumb" part right. Anyways, Shia has come to check out what's what and Scully introduces herself to him. She then takes him back to his apartment.

Shia LaBeouf's Bedroom of Bad Livers. Shia's lying in bed and Scully sits next to him. There's sports stuff all over the walls. Scully asks him what his favorite sport is. Shia tells her that it used to be basketball, but The Bulls suck so he's thinking baseball. Oh, come on. The Bulls aren't that bad. Wait. This was back in 1999/2000. So… yeah they sucked. "I like baseball, too," Scully says. "I learned how to play not that long ago. And those lessons have sure come in handy recently. There's a whole lot of hips and hands action going on, as well as plenty of ash and I'm constantly in the middle of a Mulder sandwhich." Shia looks confused. HA! Not really. Scully then notices one of Henry's toy machines on the floor. She pulls or pushes something and it basically ends with a tiny basketball shooting into a net. Scully laughs and she thinks that's "pretty neat." Shia tells Scully that Henry made it for him when he was in the hospital and that Henry believes "everything happens for a reason... only just sometimes it's hard for us to see." Scully asks him if he went to the hospital because of his liver. How does she know that? Just by looking at him? He does look a little jaundiced. Oh, so he's sickly. That's why he's not in school. So maybe this isn't the weekend. Sorry, Mulder. But you should still heed my warning. HEEEEED IIIIIIIT![/ As An Amoeba] So Shia tells Scully that his liver doesn't work and then he asks if the police are looking for Henry. Scully tells him that they just want to talk to Henry and she asks Shia if he has any idea where Henry might be. Shia says that since he got sick, Henry hardly ever goes out. That scene was nice. Scully's good with kids. Just not her own, unfortunately. Scully walks back over to Mulder and he asks her if Shia knew anything about Henry. Scully says no. As they walk down the hallway, Scully would like to chat about Mulder's theory. No, you don't Scully! Don't get sucked in! Be strong. Demand that this "X-File" be dropped and then go home! She ignores me. Why does she always ignore me? "Why would the world's most supernaturally lucky man work as a building superintendent? I mean, why doesn't he just run down to the Illinois state lottery, enter, and, you know, he'd win automatically?" Well, at least she's pointing out how dumb this all is and how it makes no sense. Henry is apparently listening to this entire conversation through a vent in the wall by the floor.

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