SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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Whack is at his desk looking through photos of the bank robbery—his old dead body and that mug of Lula they had on TV. He gets a phone call—it’s a tip from some landlord that thinks he saw Lula—Scully catches up to him in the bullpen and asks him about the missing print—he was carrying the evidence bag. He snips that he doesn’t know anything about a missing print, but that he’s about to close the biggest case of his career, and is she coming with him or what? Scully looks skeptical (surprise!) but joins him.

At another crappy apartment building, Scully and Whack arrive at the manager’s apartment door and ask him about the tip, showing him a picture of Lula. The manager tells them that she arrived two days ago and paid the first and last month’s rent in cash. Scully tells the manager to go back into his apartment and stay there. As they’re walking down the hallway to Lula’s new place, Scully double checks with Whack that he called for backup, because shouldn’t they be here by now? Whack is all mad—they should have been here ten minutes ago! He almost has ME convinced and I’ve seen this episode. Just then, Lula comes out of a stairway door, a load of laundry in her hands. Whack’s face lights up and they give chase back from the way Lula came—the building’s basement. Whack is desperate to find her, and he and Scully split, searching every nook and cranny. In the boiler room, Lula jumps Scully, knocking her weapon out of her hands. The have a pretty manly girlfight and Scully totally flips and cuffs her. There are a couple of seconds there where Scully’s straddling Lula that probably got some fanboy screen pauses. I’m just saying. Whack catches up and tosses another pair of cuffs at Scully. Scully reminds him that she already cuffed her, but Whack tells him that they’re for her. See what I mean about the fanboys? Anyway, Scully is shocked! Shocked! And kind of a little resigned to her fate. She also looks pissed.

You know who else looks pissed? Lula. Whack gets down on his knees and pulls another couple of “babies” on her and then tries to wipe some shmutz off her face with his thumb and some spit. She tells him to keep his stinking hands off of her. I have to say—even if I DID recognize the guy as my husband—which Lula clearly doesn’t—I would been totally grossed out by that too. I don’t even like my mom doing that.

Back at Warren and Lula’s old place, Scully is cuffed to a radiator, coming to. Off screen we hear Whack telling Lula that he’s weirded out too! This isn’t his face! These aren’t his hands! And I was totally hung WAY better! Okay, maybe not that last part. Whack tells Lula to ask him something that only he would know. He rattles off her birthday and her favorite color (April 7, and red). In the room with them, Lula is clearly weirded out, but asks him a question anyway: What did they do after they got married? Whack goes all smarmy and says “Right after?” Gross. Then he goes on: “We went down to the beach, I took out my buck knife and I sliced open my palm. Then I slit open your palm...” And now we both have matching scars! And Hep C! He grabs her hand and holds it to his. “We let the blood drip down in the water.” Lula’s caving a little, you can tell. “Then what did you say to me?” She asks. “I said, ‘This is so we can be married in all the oceans of the world,’” Whack says, which is kind of sweet and also kind of creepy. And also, sharks, dude. Yikes. He goes on. “And then I made you a solemn oath, to NEVER take this ring off my finger, ever.” He takes Dupree’s ring out of his pocket and jams it on his hand. “This is just too weird,” Lula says, stepping back for a breather. Yeah, I’ll bet that’s what the story editor said when he got the first draft of this script. “I can’t believe it’s really you.” “Don’t worry, baby,” Whack says, coming up behind her and nuzzling her neck, “it won’t make any difference in the dark.” EW.

Mulder and an FBI agent that’s been working the case with them come down the steps after talking with Lula’s building manager, who’s harping about getting his reward. Other FBI guy, who’s bald pate makes him look a lot like my high school Physics teacher (so I’ll call him Agent Bufe) tells the guy really dismissively that they’ll call him. Hee.

“Now I’M worried,” Agent Bufe says, as they exit the building, “12 hours with no word. Why’s her car still sitting out front? Why didn’t Willis call for backup?” “Because it wasn’t Willis who answered the hotline,” Mulder answers, about to make another friend in law enforcement. “What do you mean? You heard the recording, that was Willis’s voice on the line.” “Forget it, Bufe,” Mulder says, cutting his losses. Poor Mulder. “Plus which,” Bufe goes on, pointedly, “the manager just ID’d Scully and Willis.” “I said forget it, Bufe,” Mulder repeats. Back at the car, Bufe asks Mulder if this is one of his X-File theories. Mulder tells him that it doesn’t matter what he thinks, they’re still after the same thing. Like you never could have said THAT to Scully in nine years, Mulder? Geez.

Mulder’s phone rings. It’s the FBI operator transferring a call. “Guess who, ace?” It’s Whack. Mulder immediately asks about Scully, demanding to talk to her. Whack says okay and puts the phone to Scully’s ear just long enough for Mulder to say “Dana, are you okay? Dana?!” I can’t help it. The ‘shipper inside me squees when Mulder and Scully call each other by their first names. For them, it’s just so… intimate. Until you put a “Dearest” in front of it, and then it’s just gross. Whack pulls the phone back and then hangs up. Scully tells Whack that Bureau policy won’t let them negotiate. She keeps calling him “Jack” which really pisses him off. She keeps at it, though, telling him his name, where he was born, reminding him of who he is. Whack shakes it off, spouting out that his name is Warren James Dupree and that he was born in Clament Falls, Oregon, in “the year of the rat.” I don’t have a Chinese restaurant placemat in front of me—is that like, ’52?