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SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

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Back on dry land, Scully's cell phone rings. "Scully!" she yells. "Hey, I thought you weren't answering your cell phone," Mulder says, twirling the phone cord around, obviously bored. "Then why'd you call?" Scully, be glad for the distraction, seriously. I know I am. Mulder's got a new theory about the case she's working on, something having to do with a virus, but Scully wants to know if there's any references in occult literature about objects being able to direct human behaviour. "You mean like Chucky?" he asks mockingly. "Yeah, kinda like that," Scully deadpans. And in fact there is, especially in New England literature. Mulder goes on a rant about how possessing these objects were said to give the owner a magical power, and how people used to be persecuted for even insisting that such things existed. "Why do you ask?" Mulder interrupts himself. "You didn't find a talking doll or anything, did you Scully?" "No no, nothing like that," she lies. Mulder then suggests Scully checks the back of the doll for a plastic string, and Scully rolls her eyes to high heavens before hanging up on him mid-sentence. "Let's go talk to Melissa Turner," Scully tells Bonsaint. And they're off!

"WHERE'S MY POPCORN?!" We're at Polly's house and she's flipping her lid because apparently when a craving hits, it hits hard in this house. Well, at least she's crazy for popcorn and not ice cream-- the last thing that kid needs is sugar. Down in the kitchen, Mommy's working on the Jiffy Pop and crying her eyes out because guess what-- Buddy's deader than a doornail on the floor. "It's coming, Polly!" she says, shaking and shaking. Polly's still screaming though. Listen, Polly, I know it says "jiffy" in the name and all, but even popcorn takes time. Damn.

After the commercial, Mommy's got the hammer and nails and she's battening down the hatches of another window, which I kinda don't get, but whatever. Polly calls her from the staircase and says she can't sleep, but Mommy tells her to go back to bed because it's past her bedtime. Polly doesn't want to hear any more pounding, and apparently neither does the doll in her arms, because it wants to have fun yet again (insert eye roll here), causing Mommy to see herself with the hammer stuck in her forehead crying for help in the reflection of the window. "Everything's gonna be alright, sweetie, you just go back to bed," Mommy tells Polly. She walks her up the stairs.

Bonsaint and Scully pull up at Mommy's house and notice that Buddy's car is already there. Inside, Mommy locks the hammer that's soon to be impaled in her head away in the cabinet, and starts pouring gasoline all over the floors and trying to strike a match while Mark Snow's This Episode Can't Get Any Worse-- Or Can It? tune of suspense plays in the background. Bonsaint knocks on the front door, calling out Mommy's name, but she doesn't answer and Scully can't see anything through the window. Every time Mommy tries to light a match, it won't work. It finally does, and Mommy sees Polly standing in front of her, seemingly terrified. The doll's eyes pop open and it says, "Don't play with matches!" like it's Smokey the Bear and shit. The match goes out. So do subsequent matches that Mommy lights, and she screams at Polly to go back to bed while Scully and Bonsaint are still knocking and trying to get in. Scully sees Mommy through the window and calls her name, trying to get in the house, but Mommy's given up on matches and has gone on to knives. The doll's not having that though, and tells her "Don't play with knives!", snapping the drawer closed every time she tries to open it. Scully tells Bonsaint that Mommy has nailed the door shut because she's trying to kill herself, and they take turns knocking themselves into the door to try to bust it down. Um, hello? Break the windows, fools. I know Bonsaint ain't the sharpest tool in the shed Scully, but you? I'd have expected better.