SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

< PREVIOUS

Morning, and Mulder and Scully pull up to the Hoese’s Casa de Kitsch to find an ambulance and a police car convention. Billy tells them that Theresa’s been taken. An ambo is taking Theresa’s baby out of the house. Poor little tyke must have screamed himself hoarse. Mulder and Scully go straight upstairs and find a green burn on the carpet, the same as Mulder found on the road. They’ll have to replace that carpet, but seeing that it’s pink, no great loss. Scully agrees with Mulder (!) and I’m getting whiplash from recapping Season 3 to Season 7. How things have changed! Mulder leaves the room, no doubt to search for mysterious goo in other places, and Billy asks Scully what it is. Scully tells him: “It’s a biological toxin, emitted as a gas through the bloodstream.” Billy’s all Wha??? So Scully goes on: “From what is arguably an alien.” Then, suddenly, all of this agreeing with Mulder gets to her in a big way and she stumbles, dizzy.

EEEEWWWW GROSS!!!! Close-up of CSM puffing his cigarette through his tracheal tube. Shouldn’t his nurse be objecting to this blatant disregard for his health? Her name is Greta, so maybe she’s the daughter of one of the eeevvvviiilllll Nazi scientists and therefore genetically eeevvvviiillllll herself and doesn’t care. Marita’s sitting on the couch looking squicked, like any normal person would. She asks why CSM’s brought Krycek back from Tunisia just to mess with him. Haven’t you heard Marita? CSM’s totally EEEVVVVIIILLLL!!!!! CSM has great faith that Alex will find the ship, but he can’t tell him too much or Ratboy might be tempted to sell the information. You don’t say. CSM tells Marita that the ship won’t be there forever because it’s rebuilding itself. He also says that to possess it is to hold the answer to all things, yada yada yada. Nooooo, don’t bring in a new Key to the X-Files this late in the season! Argh! He tells Marita there’s no God, only an alien intelligence greater than ours. OK, I’ll buy that. Perhaps we should ask them to explain the mytharc to us, maybe as a Powerpoint presentation with diagrams. Or we could ask ejluther. I’m good, either way. Marita asks CSM, “They’re coming here, aren’t they?” and he answers, “They’re only coming back.” Marita looks totally scared.

Scully’s leaving Hoese’s Casa de Kitsch. Mulder’s already in the car, but he’s watching our little bushwalking friend, Richie, who’s twitching in a crowd that’s gathered, drawn to the police cars like blow-flies to a barbeque. I think I’ll call him Twitchy Richie from now on. Mulder knows how to spot suspicious behaviour. Now Mulder’s on the move, ignoring Scully who’s calling his name. Mini-ditch, but he knows she’ll just follow him – he’s on the hunt. Twitchy Richie tries to surreptitiously wander away, but only succeeds in appearing more guilty of something. Mulder accosts him just as Billy Miles walks up and says he knows him. Twitchy Richie can’t hold it in any longer, and blurts out to Billy that ‘They’ took Gary. He gets a bit hysterical, and Mulder tries to calm him down. Hey, Mulder, I think you were the one who upset him in the first place. Twitchy Richie says: “They’re out there. I don’t care what your Dad says, Billy.” They must be with The Truth then. Richie then tells Billy that Not-Det. Miles was out there too and that he knows. Billy looks perturbed by this and rushes off, as Twitchy Richie starts crying. Mulder and Scully both look away, as if they are embarrassed. Hold it together, Twitchy Richie! Be a man!

Woods – Twitchy Richie is giving Mulder and Scully a guided tour of Spooky Woods, all excited and telling the about how his flashlight beam hit a spot in space that bent the light. At least they’re listening to him, yo. That must be a new experience for Twitchy Ritchie. Scully gives him a Sceptical Look. Hoorah! Her first real one this episode! TR tells them about Gary disappearing, and his hot flashlight (that sounds kinda dirrrty). Mulder follows Twitchy Richie who’s trying to find the spot where his flashlight was burning the underbrush, while Scully, less impressed with his hijinks, decides to look around a bit on her own. Oh no! She’s walked straight into that speeded-up film effect that made Gary disappear. Scully can’t be abducted again, she just can’t! Meanwhile, Twitchy Richie and Mulder find TR’s melted flashlight and Mulder looks around for Scully, wanting to show it to her, but he can’t see her, so he calls out her name. He starts to look for her, speeding up as his worry grows, then rushing over to her as he sees her lying on the ground, out of it. She opens her eyes, and Mulder asks her if she wants some water. TR asks what happened to her and Mulder looks at him like – I just got here stupid! And tells TR to get Scully some water. From the non-existent packs they were carrying. Or maybe he’s going to drain it out of the radiator of the rental car. Mulder picks Scully up and cradles her in his lap as she tells him she just hit the ground. She asks him why this is happening to her. Umm, aren’t you the Medical Doctor, Scully? Mulder just comforts her and gently smooths her hair off her face. Aww, it’s so sweet. He’s so worried and trying not to upset her by showing it. So he starts babbling about the abductions, that people are being taken and not returned and that they’ve got to warn Billy Miles.

Speak of the Devil, Billy’s entering his house and goes for his gun as he hears a noise, calling for his Dad. Not-Det. Miles appears, and Billy draws down on him. Billy isn’t stupid; he suspects that his Dad is an alien replacement and he won’t put the gun down. Not-Det. Miles keeps on coming, seemingly unafraid of the gun and trying to get Billy to put it down. Billy tells Not-Det Miles that he doesn’t know who he is, but that he’s not going to take Billy. Not-Det. Miles says, “I’m your father. Are you gonna shoot your father?” Billy’s crying by this point, and asks, “If you’re my father, why won’t you believe me?” Good point. Not-Det. Miles says: “I believe you Billy. I just want it all to go away.” He walks up and takes the gun from Billy, who sits on the couch and covers his eyes. The camera then shows us Not-Det. Miles, who looks to the left and morphs into the Mighty Morphin’ Bounty Hunter as a car pulls up outside. Oh no! Poor Billy!

Of course, it’s Our Heroes. I’m surprised that Mulder hasn’t insisted on taking Scully straight to the ER, but she’s a feisty woman and probably convinced him that stopping off to warn Billy wouldn’t take very long and they could go after that. If Mulder was lucky. They walk up to the open door and call for Billy. Getting no answer, they pull their weapons and walk in. This house has antlers on the wall. Antlers! Everyone except Scully has appalling taste in interior decoration on this show. Billy is nowhere to be found and Moose and Squirrel do that unspoken communication thing.

Two days later, and we’re at the J. Edgar Hoover building in DC. Skinner walks into the Lush Basement Office, and finds Mulder leaning way back in his office chair and throwing a basketball into the air. As you do at work. At least as Mulder does at work. Mulder asks the Skinman what the punishment will be this time (and another thousand slash BDSM fanfics are born, probably involving the basketball in some way). Mulder speculates: “Thumb screws, or 40 lashes.” Come on! Now you’re just asking for it, Mulder! Keep this up and it’ll be some sort of three-way involving Krycek, a can-opener and a purple Barney plushie, with long descriptions of how gorgeously chocolate-brown Walter’s eyes are when he takes off his glasses. Really. The Skinman looks embarrassed, and Mulder addresses him as Walter, and channels Jed Clampett, asking him to ‘sit a spell’, as it might be the last time he gets to come down to the X-Files office. Skinman says: “You went to Oregon.” Mulder answers: “Guilty as charged.” Geez, he’s begging for it. Then Mulder apologises to the Skinman for any trouble he’s caused him, but Skinman shrugs it off. Mulder just can’t help being a smart-arse. “Stick to a budget and you’re making a contribution. But push the limits of your profession and they say you’re out of control.” The Skinman brings him back down to earth by pointing out some hard facts. “You could bring home a flying saucer and have an alien shake hands with the President. What it comes down to, Agent Mulder is…they don’t like ya.” Mulder seems unsurprised by this revelation, saying that they didn’t bring home a flying saucer or an alien. Skinman walks into the office, and Krycek and Marita walk right in behind him. Yikes! Has the Skinman gone bad? Mulder’s out from behind his desk like lightning, ready to start punching on Ratboy. Skinner holds him back (oh, goodie, more ho-yay!) and tells him he should listen to what Ratboy and the Queen of Beehives have to say. I have to make an aside here and say here how much I appreciate Nic Lea’s performance of Krycek. He makes a real effort to play Krycek differently after the amputation, and always walks and stands in such a way to protect the side where his arm is missing. He never drops it. I can’t understand why Nic Lea didn’t have a bigger career – he’s very good-looking (even though Duchovny is more my type) and a great actor. It’s baffling and unfair. As are so many things about the entertainment industry.