SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

< PREVIOUS

Marita and Ratboy are now in the Watergate Apartments in Washington DC. Marita is back to looking elegant and glam, and Krycek is back in the Black Jacket of Betrayal. They knock at a door, and a nurse opens it and says, “Hi, he’s anxious to see you.” Ratboy seems shocked to see CSM in a wheelchair with a tracheal tube in his neck. Geez, he’s let himself go since the beginning of Season 7. I’m guessing a combination of emphsema and lung cancer – he looks all blue about the lips and bruised around his eyes. He tells Ratboy he heard about his incarceration and Ratboy accuses him of having him thrown in that hellhole. CSM counters by saying that Ratboy was trying to sell something that was his. He’s one old dude you don’t want to double-cross if you can avoid it. He tells Ratboy they need to put the past behind them as they have a singular opportunity now. An alien ship has collided with a military aircraft in Oregon and Ol’ Smokey wants to get the band back together to play those Alien Abduction Blues. Nursie lights up a cigarette and hands it to Ol’ Smokey who grosses out everyone present by taking a drag through his tracheal tube. Nasty – isn’t that how you got that whosamajig in the first place? Marita asks how he knows someone hasn’t already recovered it and he replies that it’s not quite so easy.

Oregon woods, night-time. The subtitles for the hearing impaired tell me there’s an electrical crackling sound. That can’t be good with all that dry underbrush around. It’s the two dorks from before whose names are Gary and Richie and contrary to all good sense, but in keeping with X-Files clichés, they are in the dark forest with flashlights. Dudes, take it from me: it’s an Very Extremely Bad Sign to be in the forest with only a flashlight between you and the unknown, at least on this show. One of the dorks walks into something that picks him up and jerks him around, just like that effect in Rush. His dorktastic friend has some sort of Geiger counter, so he must be the dominant geek. I’m also basing this on the fact that he did all of the talking before to Det. Miles. He swings his flashlight around until he finds a spot where the flashlight appears to be reflecting off the air, like water. He calls out to his friend Gary, but Gary is nowhere to be seen. Instead, all we can see is a bright light shining from behind the trees. That’s very common on The X-Files and is usually A Bad Sign when it’s not just being a fake-out. He calls out again, but has to drop his flashlight when it becomes red-hot and it begins to burn on the forest floor. He should run his hand under some cold water right away or he will get some nasty blisters. Meanwhile, his Geiger counter is going way off the chart, and he loses his nerve and runs away, leaving his flashlight burning. Literally.

A car pulls up to an official-looking building, and we are shown a Lariat bumper sticker. Oh, my budget! It hurts! It’s Moose and Squirrel, out in the field, looking for aliens and spending up big on Uncle Sam’s dime. Hooligans. It’s Old Home Week as Billy Miles comes out of the building dressed as a cop, so I’m guessing the building is the local PD. Mulder congratulates him on getting his own badge and Billy admits that his Dad got them to fudge the psychiatric evaluation so he could get in. Scully notices a wedding ring and Billy admits sheepishly that he’s actually divorced and living back with his Dad. Sounds like he might have been better off staying in that coma. Either that, or it was a totally non-subtle way of indicating to Scully that he’s single. Cos’ you know, Mulder and Scully just work together. They aren’t married. Even though Scully is Mulder’s one in five billion, his constant, his touchstone, that with which he cannot live without blah blah blah and he makes her ‘fairly happy’ by all accounts. Mulder says to Billy, “You’ve never um…” and I have no idea where he’s going with that, but then he says: “Have you ever been able to get over the abductions?” Billy says that he has, but that everyone else still doesn’t believe it happened to him and that his Dad denies it ever happened. Billy goes on to tell Moose and Squirrel about the crash and that the military has recovered their jet, but that the other aircraft has not been found. Scully asks why not, and Billy tells her that because it’s their county, the Bellefleur Sheriff’s Department is in charge of coordinating efforts and that Det. Miles has not been very helpful, even though there’s a deputy missing. What? Wouldn’t the FAA be involved, at the very least? Bounding to conclusions, as is his wont, Mulder tells Billy that if they find the UFO, Det. Miles won’t be able to deny the truth. And here’s the man himself, pulling up in a battered police car. The door is in such bad shape it won’t open from the inside and Det. Miles has to put his hand outside the door to lift the handle. Man, that must be inconvenient when it’s raining. He looks less than enthused to recognise Our Heroes and immediately debunks the whole UFO theory. Scully gives him a look that screams – Just Let Me Do My Job and Stop Horning in On the Debunking, but I bet she only really debunks Mulder in bed now because he enjoys it.

Chuggachuggachugga and we’re out in the forest again. Moose and Squirrel pull up in the EXACT SAME SPOT that Mulder painted the orange X in the very first episode – ah, the memories – and Det. Miles says it was already there in case they were wondering about it. Scully admits that Mulder put the paint there seven years ago. What a vandal! Shouldn’t Billy and Det. Miles fine him or something? Perhaps the statute of limitations has run out. Mulder babbles on about anomalous electrical disturbance blee, missing time blah, car losing power yada yada yada. Oh, who really cares what he says. He’s wearing a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up and I think I’m going to have to go and get a paper towel to wipe up the drool. Scully is looking very tall in this scene, so Gilly must be standing on a box. She looks at least 5’10” and we know that’s not the truth. Mulder’s doing some crime scene investigation and finds a burnt patch in the asphalt past the skid marks. However, Scully finds something that interests the Bellefleur PD a bit more – shell casings from a .38. Det. Miles asks Scully what he was shooting at, and Mulder comes up behind and says, “Probably nothing. Nothing’s all you seem to find out here.” Way to keep the locals on side, Mulder, you snarky bastard. Mulder and Det. Miles then wander off, probably to see whose dick is bigger or who can piss the furthest, while Billy and Scully get on with the actual police work. While they’re collecting the evidence, Scully takes the opportunity to ask Billy about Deputy Ray. She asks if he was a good cop, and Billy says he was. She then says, “Married, single?” Boy Scully, are you bored with Mulder already? I’ll have him if you’re finished. Billy tells Scully that Ray was married with a new baby and Scully gives him a look of solidarity in Putting Up with Arseholes as Det. Miles calls him over to the police car. Moose and Squirrel leave the scene as Billy hands the evidence bag to his Dad, saying, “You know, they only want to solve this.” Which is almost exactly what Scully said to Mulder in the Pilot episode. Woo, Continuity! Det. Miles then tells Billy to get in the car and goes around to the boot to put the evidence away. He opens it, and we get a shot from inside the boot, over the dead body of the real Detective Miles, the same set-up as when the Schwarzenalien was revealed in Colony. Crap. Now I guess I’ll have to refer to him as Not-Det. Miles, which is more typing.