SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Recap by Crass

Ooh, right from the start we’re back in dark downtown Bellefleur Oregon, where the men are aliens and the pine trees just don’t care. There’s a siren wailing in the night, and it belongs to a police vehicle that’s really hammering it down a country road through the pine forest. Apparently there’s a fire and a downed aircraft. Well, we’re watching The X-Files so downed aircraft more often than not means UFO or some kind of UFO involvement. I stop to wonder sometimes how the UFO pilots keep their licences; they constantly seem to be having mid-air collisions of one sort or another. I suppose another way of looking at it is that they are negligent about the use of their cloaking devices, hence the number of fighter jets and domestic aircraft that come to grief after contact. Sorry dude, we just didn’t see you lurking there, picking up those abductees! Put your flashers on or something, for the love of Mike? Who is Mike anyway? I’ve always wondered. All units have a 10-13. Drink.

It’s our old friend from Pilot, Detective Miles, and he’s coming right at Ray. Well, perhaps it would be a good idea to slow down just a little, particularly considering there’s a fire and you don’t appear to have a fire hose. Det. Miles tells Ray he has to wait for back-up before he heads out. How long do you think he’ll have to wait? In a place as small as Bellefleur, perhaps Det. Miles means himself. There’s no reply from Deputy Ray, and the radio suddenly bursts into loud static. In The X-Files universe, this is always A Bad Sign, not just an indication of shitty reception. Demonstrating A Very Bad Sign, the car then loses all power, and coasts down the road, resisting Det. Miles’ attempt to slow it down or steer it. Power brakes and steering are a great idea until they fail, aren’t they? I once owned a 1966 Ford Falcon that did not possess these modern conveniences – driving to the shops was better than an hour at the gym, let me tell you. Anyhoo, I bet there’s aliens involved. That’s who I blame when the car won’t work. Unable to halt the car’s momentum, Det. Miles crashes right into another police car just sitting in the road. To be fair, he did tell Deputy Ray he was coming right at him. Det. Miles hauls himself out of the car, scattering little bits of safety glass all over the road, and looks over at the conflagration happening in the woods. He’s injured his head, and he puts his hand up to see how badly, then he looks at his watch, and the hands are spinning backwards. Uh-oh. Aliens, I bet you anything.

All of a sudden, he realises that he should check the other car. Deputy Ray is still in the car, groaning. In a move that would exacerbate the injuries of someone with broken ribs, Det. Miles grabs Ray by the shoulder and pulls him back so the light shines on his face. Oh no! It’s an Extremely Bad Sign! Ray’s eyes are all puffy and red, an indication that he has been exposed to toxic green blood! For sure his blood is all thick and sludgy. Someone needs to get him into an ice bath, stat! Unfortunately, Dana “I’m a Medical Doctor” Scully, the only physician who could be considered an expert in this malady, is nowhere around. Det. Miles steps back in horror, and straight into a puddle of bubbling green, acidic ooze. That’s the end of that pair of shoes. He turns around and…what the? It’s Deputy Ray! But isn’t he in the car in dire need of a bucket-load of Visine? Det. Miles appears puzzled and fearful and…

CREDITS – Doo DOO doo doo doo DOO etc etc.

Now we’re in an office, and an accountant type is adding things up on his little adding machine. I have one of those at work. I too use it for adding. He is adding up Lariat car rentals, and whistles at the sum, then hands the papers to someone we can’t see until the camera swings around, and shows us Mulder (Yay!), with a semi-cocky look on his face. He is looking mighty fiiiinnne. Mulder asks, “Is that a lot?” The accountant must be some kind of auditor, and he tells Mulder that by FBI standards, these numbers are out of control. I bet Mulder hears that sort of thing a lot. Mulder says, with a straight face, “We could start sharing rooms.” Oh, Mulder, you dog! I bet you already do! Auditor type says, “You’re under evaluation. There has to be a point where we say no.” Mulder then tries to justify himself, saying that: “What we do can’t be compared to other departments in the Bureau.” True dat. Auditor Guy says, “Right. This business with aliens.” Who’s in business with the aliens? I thought they all died at El Rico. Mulder says that there’s more to it than that, and he’s right. Why there’s flukemen, vampires, werewolves, voodoo, mutants, clones, evil children, chupacabras, ghosts, time-travel…eh, it is all a bit weird. I can just imagine what my boss would say if I told him I wanted to go on a monitoring trip to Boulia to check out the Min Min lights. First he’d think I was making an XF joke, and he’d laugh, then when he realised I was serious, I’d be talking to the EAP so fast it would make your head spin. Auditor Guy makes Mulder admit that aliens are his real focus. He goes on to imply that Mulder has been using government resources to investigate his sister’s abduction and the conspiracy around it and says that both of those issues have now been resolved. Mulder’s like, “No, it hasn’t.” Auditor Guy’s like, “Yes, it has.” The scene concludes with Auditor Guy saying that Mulder has nothing left to investigate in the X-Files.