SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Writers: Frank Spotnitz and John Gilligan

Director: Thomas J. Wright

Recapper: M.C. Exalt

December 21, 1999, Tallahassee, Florida: We start with a nice funeral home, with candles and white flowers adorning a coffin. People are consoling a middle-aged woman, Betty Crouch. A man with grey hair, who exudes the air of One Who Will Be Important in This Episode, tells Betty that he’s sorry for her loss; he worked with her husband for a short time. As everyone files out, Betty “tells” Raymond, ostensibly her dead husband, that it sure is going to be a “nice Christmas,” and then lets us know that his death must have been a suicide, because he “didn’t even leave a note.” Ooh, that’s cold, Raymond. The funeral director closes up shop, and then we find out that the Man Who Will Be Important is still in the room, lurking. Sneaky, that standing-in-a-corner strategy. He slinks over to the coffin and pulls up the lid. It comes open, making a sound similar to a refrigerator opening. Ew. And, are coffins really as easy to open as they always are on this show? Inside is Mr. Crouch, gray and lifeless, with the signs that he’s been autopsied. Then, Man Who Will Be Important starts undressing. To our surprise. It’s also a bit surprising that he’s not wearing an undershirt under his white dress shirt (not a good look, guys.), but the much creepier point is that he then starts taking the clothes off of Mr. Crouch. I thought that necrophilia was a bit out there even for the X-Files, but I guess they really have to push the envelope in Season 7. He even takes off Mr. Crouch’s tiepin, which shows a federal government insignia. Oh, but wait, he’s not going to have a liaison with Mr. Crouch – he just wants to give him a phone. He places a cell phone (turned on), with a number ready to be dialed, in the dead man’s crusty old rigored hand, then pulls out the antenna for good measure. Do you think Mr. Important works for a cell phone company and wants to sell Mr. Crouch a new plan? Those people will hound you to the grave.

Oh, and Mr. Important is repeating the same phrase over and over again in a low voice: “I am the resurrection and the life. He that believeth in me, though he were dead yet shall he live, and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.” Sounds Biblical to me. Is it already the time for a Scully-’N-Christianity episode this season? When Mr. Important is satisfied – he’s shirtless, and the dead man has just an undershirt on – he closes the coffin again, taking the tiepin with him. By the way, Mr. Important was extremely good at saying, with perfect enunciation, his little Biblical catchphrase with a tie tack in his mouth. Try it: it’s a lot harder than you might think. You can use another small object, similar in size to a tie tack, if one isn’t at hand.

Timestamp on a rainy cemetery: It’s December 29, eight days later. Mr. Important is sitting in a car, watching the graves. The seconds tick by in tense Teaser anticipation, until his cell phone starts ringing. It says “Incoming Call on Line 1.” Gotta love the silly things that tv cell phones say. Who has ever had a cell phone with more than one line on it? Instead of picking it up, he grabs a shovel and heads out into the rain. Was he waiting there for the phone to ring for eight whole days?

Credits. Have to say that was a bit of a snoozer of a teaser.