SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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Okay, so one thing I didn’t mention was that there was this brief, seemingly throwaway sentence in the first half about how Morris’ job at Area 51 is to come up with the cover stories for all the secret stuff they do. Like, he’s basically the guy who plants false stories in rags like The Lone Gunmen in order to cover up what’s really going on. So, in this scene, he tells them all about all the shit that’s in their paper that he made up, including several he made up while on the toilet. Nice. He calmly explains that Saddam Hussein is really an Oklahoman (!) who they found doing dinner theater. Then that whole hanging thing must have been a viral video fakeout, right? No? You mean John Gilnitz isn’t really Saddam? Madness! Frohicke’s about to launch at Morris like a flying squirrel when Scully puts the kabbash on it and tells them that the only way they can get Mulder back is to figure out what’s in that FDR. She gives Morris this, “behave” look and he grins cheekily.

Back at the ol’ top secret military testing facility, Wegman is shredding papers as Mulder enters his office. He explains that Scully is on a flight back with the FDR, but that Wegman better get out of there because Morris will surely rat his ass out when he gets back. If he gets back, Wegman reminds Mulder. Either way, NoName and NotSpender will figure it out soon enough. Mulder wants to know why he sabotaged the craft in the first place, and Wegman explains that he wanted Mulder to see it. He didn’t mean for it to crash. Why did he want Mulder to see it? Because he wanted to share his dirty little alien secret before he died with someone who would appreciate it. Basically. Then he starts asking Mulder about aliens, like has he seen one, and what they’re like. Mulder’s all, don’t you know? Wegman explains that they just get the technology from another base out in Utah and just fly them. Uh… what?

Back at the Gunman Haus (these are getting harder to come up with. Gah!), they’re finally into the flight data recorder and notice all this extra stuff inside, like readings for “tachyon flux”, “gravitational displacement”, etc. Scully grabs Morris and drags him out of the building. But not before Morris gets a chance to call Frohicke “Sneezy”, which I always find amusing.

Ah, the C story finally arrives. These three hippies, or stoned - or even just really excited - people are out running around in the Nevada desert and come across the “black mailbox”, which is supposedly some kind of Area 51 marker. Only thing is, this mailbox is white. Hippie 1 claims that “they painted it white to hide it.” Right. Hippies 2 and 3 are making out and totally ignoring him (I suppose I should mention that Hippie 3 is a girl, but would it really matter? Honestly?) while Hippie 1 is talking about lights in the sky. There’s this noise approaching them and what looks like a ripply wave of energy that passes through them. Hippie 1 is all, “Cool!”, but Hippies 2 and 3 can’t say anything because they’ve been mushed together at the face. Gross. It’s like the lizard and the rock, but imagine the girl as the lizard and the dude as the rock.

Anonymous meeting place for Mulder and Scully, also known as the Barn of Sunflower Seeds and Long Goodbyes. Scully gets out of the car, leaving Morris inside, and walk toward Mulder, who is already out of his. He’s worried he’s going to have to put two kids through college (and invest in earplugs), and Scully confirms his fears by telling him that the crash data said that the “anomalous event” was random and they have no way of recreating it to reverse the situation. And, even if they could, he may end up with his head in a rock. Aw. Can I just pause for a second that they both look incredibly attractive like this, all lit with headlights? Okay, and, resume. So, Mulder asks about him, meaning Morris, (who, incidentally, is in the car picking his teeth in the rearview mirror), and Scully tells him about how he’s Kersh’s new golden boy, and how she’s been fired from the FBI and can come on full time as his permanent mistress. Maybe if he lost about 30 pounds, dyed his hair, and had extensive plastic surgery, anyway. Mulder wants her to get her job back but she’s not too concerned, basically saying-without-saying that she’s not really interested in going back without him. She then offers up, “I’d kiss you if you weren’t so damn ugly”, which I think is just a cop out – now that you can’t, really, is the time to joke about it? Regardless, at least she wants to kiss him. Too bad it takes, like a year and a half for it to actually happen. As they stare wistfully into each other’s eyes, Morris beeps the horn and shouts, “Take a picture – it’ll last longer!” Mulder seethes, “If I shoot him, is it murder or suicide?” and Scully replies, “Neither, if I do it first.” Then she sort of pats his arm and effectively says goodbye. As she starts to walk away, he calls her back and places a small handful of sunflower seeds in her palm. He then picks one out and pops it into his mouth as he walks away. Aw, again. She smiles and they part for good. Just kidding. For about 10 minutes. He watches her drive off and heads into his car to bawl his eyes out about what was, is, and never will be.

Hippie 1 jumps out in front of a car that turns out to be NotSpender’s. NotSpender gets out and follows him over to where his friends are stuck together, telling him about the wave and the… uh… sticking together. But when they get there, the couple is totally unstuck! Uh-oh. Slingshot time!

Morning. Morris and Scully are heading back to, I’m guessing, the Vegas airport. Morris is yammering on about how being an FBI agent gets him a sweet hotel deal as Scully stares listlessly out the window. Morris then asks her if she’d like him to talk to Kersh on her behalf, maybe get her job back? She’s all, “No thanks. I have a date with an overweight balding MIB with my one in five billion inside him.” She sees something outside and demands he stop the car. She gets out and notices the gas station that was destroyed in the last episode. But now it’s in perfect condition and the attendant is alive and not at all stuck to the floor. She’s all, “What the…” but then realizes that there is, indeed, a slingshot thing goin’ on.

The MIBs are back in the Plexiglas Prison, grabbing the Indian lady and the pilot. Mulder, meanwhile, is moving out of the Fletcher house when Scully and Morris pull up. Mulder’s all, “Didn’t I just say, like, goodbye forever to you?” and Joanne sees Scully outside and again, to my utter shock, starts yelling. As Mulder and Scully go off to talk, Morris heads over to Joanne, who is trying in vain to move the Laz-E-Boy onto the driveway. Morris tries to explain to her that he really is her husband, telling her about their wedding and their first apartment in Pentagon city or when she was pregnant. She’s, like, Oh Em Gee! It’s really you! And you seem like a partway decent guy! Hopefully he won’t ever tell her that he cheated on her with Kersh’s Bottle Blond Secretary. I have a feeling she won’t take it well, body switching notwithstanding. Mulder and Scully approach the now happy couple, and they talk about getting to a place where they can switch back. But before they leave, the ubiquitous white Jeeps pull up and the MIBs inside grab all three of them and head back to the base. I think NotSpender realized what was going on with Mulder and Morris. They all exposit that, if they can get in the slingshot’s path, it’ll be like the last three days never happened and that’s in the best interests of everyone. Morris is all, “In that case, Dana, it’s been real,” and dares to slap her ass again. Mulder just about lunges at his throat, but the ripple goes through before he can.