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FIGHT THE FUTURE

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Episode 6x05 – Dreamland II

Written by Vince Gilligan, John Shiban, Frank Spotnitz

Recapped by Adrienne (aka Starbucket)

We don’t get a “previously, on The X-Files” because this is a DVD, but you can gladly read my recap of the first episode to catch up. For now, we fade in on…

Oh, God. It’s a monologue. But luckily, it’s Michael McKean, so hopefully it won’t be too wordy. Damn Scully and her enormous, 1500 SAT word vocabulary! Just kidding. I’d never damn her. Okay, so we start of with this voice over about Mulder. We look at his file (which includes a really HOT picture of him that I just bet isn’t standard FBI issue), peek at his old home movies (he’s a Spock fan? I pegged him more as a Kirk kinda guy.), talk about how normal he is – other than his name, and then we get serious. Samantha disappears; this guy buckles down, gets a good education, top of his class at the Academy, and then goes nuts. “Fox Mulder pissed away a brilliant career…and now lives his life shaking his fist at the sky and muttering about conspiracies to anyone who will listen. If you ask me, he's one step away from pushing a baby carriage filled with tin cans down the street. But now, all that's going to change.” Dun, dun, DUN!

Credits. I love how the show is six years in and still uses images from Squeeze. Yes, I love that, Chris Carter. Don’t change them, like ever. I don’t need no fetuses and falling Mulders in my credits. No, thank you.

And, we’re back. Mulder’s being dragged out of the gas station by men in fatigues, screaming about how he’d never do this, as Morris – in his “Mulder” suit - watches unsympathetically. Scully, I do believe, finally gets that maybe her “Mulder” isn’t really Mulder at all. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe she is now a believer. For this episode, anyway. Or at least until everything slingshots back. Okay, so, “Mulder” apologizes for “narcing” her out, but she tells him, in that “I’m so onto you but I’m not going to say anything even though I’m a terrible liar and you could probably figure it out anyway if you paid attention, which you’re not” voice, that she knows he didn’t mean it. He’s surprised, exclaiming, “It’s the new me!” Yea, entirely new.

Back at the ol’ top secret military base, Mulder’s being dragged into yet another Plexiglas prison, right next to the Hopi lady with the bad attitude. She lights up a cigarette, swathed in darkness, and tells Mulder that they’ve “had [their] asses officially disappeared.” She gets up and Mulder’s all, “who’s this crazy grandma using network-television-approved bad language all up in my griz-ille?” She tells him that she’s, “not gonna be hot-stickin’ it any time soon,” and then calls him a desk monkey. Hey, he’s a field agent! Okay, pick your battles. I know.

FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C. Hey, I think Agent Booth works there now! Morris is playing Tiger Woods again as Scully enters the bullpen with a cardboard box. Kersh said she was, “willful, insubordinate, and not a team player. And the FBI [doesn’t] need agents who aren’t team players.” And that she’s suspended for two weeks. Morris tries to “ease the pain” by offering her her own first name and a home cooked meal at “his” place. She smiles knowingly and nods, heading out. If I didn’t know any better, I might think that she really does think he’s Mulder and that he’s just offered her a lovely roll in the hay. But, sadly, she doesn’t and he… still isn’t. But she’s not going to be Van Blundht’d again. Oh, no. She’s way smarter than Lois Lane.

Plexiglas Prison That in No Way Resembles Hannibal Lecter’s Holding Cell. Mulder’s lying on the cold metal slab that is his bed, listening to the Hopi woman/fighter pilot blabitty blab on about how when “Buzzsaw” gets on your “zero”, “he’s like a damn dog tick”. Mulder’s having none of this, finally yelling at her, “Hey, Grandma Top Gun, will you shut the hell up?” I wonder if she looks suggestively at Val Kilmer, too. Mulder’s about to ask about that when Grandma Top Gun (or GTG for short) gets up and flicks her cigarette on Mulder’s jacket, right through those conveniently placed slats that separate the cells. She informs Mulder of his new “bitch” status and he lunges back at her, trying to grab her neck. “Hey, I’m only one person’s bitch and she’s the reason I’m in here!” he exclaims. She backs off and laughs just as his door opens. The guard informs him that General Wegman, who, until now, was known simply as “sir” or the “old man”, wants to see him.

Mulder is ushered into the “old man’s” office. NotSpender (aka Howard) and NoName (aka Jeff) are also in the room, along with the old man himself (aka Wegman). Mulder’s worried that he’s about to get found out, but stays silent. Wegman then caves, telling him that he has “a set” on him. A set of what? Nipples the size of dinner plates? Oh, wait. That was Duchovny on Saturday Night Live. Apparently, they thought that Mulder’s dumbass move of taking the wrong flight data recorder and giving that to the FBI was genius, and that he was “running a scam on the FBI.” After a moment, he picks up what they’re layin’ down, and plays the “I totally knew what I was doing the entire time even though not really” card. He’s all, “I didn’t know if I could trust you,” because of the security leak. He “decided [he] should approach Agent Scully alone to find out who her contact is. Unfortunately, her partner, Agent Mulder,” he says with so much disgust and frustration that you begin to redefine the notion of ‘hating yourself’, “screwed everything up.” NotSpender asks if the real flight data recorder is safe, but Mulder thought he had the real one so he has no frickin’ clue. But, of course, he doesn’t tell them that. He chuckles, assuring them that it’s safe. Wegman admires his chutzpah and scolds the other two guys. He’s recommending censure for locking up their coworker with the GTG and forcing him to be someone’s bitch. Oh, chasquido.