SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

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Big Friggin’ Sign That Reads “Area 51”. You’d think a top secret testing facility would be a little less obvious, but whatever. Their car pulls through the gate and passes a bunch of stealth-bomber-like aircraft. Inside a building, “Morris”, Howard, and No Name are asked for their Identification. “Morris” looks at his, and it’s a badge with McKean’s mug plastered on it. I think he’s finally getting the hint, boys and girls. He shows the guard “his” ID and looks at himself in the surveillance camera. The face looking back at him is also not his own. And, hey, credits tell us that this episode was written by John Gilnitz! Cool! He’s a popular guy in this episode. No Name makes an offhand remark that “the old man” is still here, and Howard rushes off to find out what’s going on. No Name swipes his card in a… card swiper thingy, and Mulder watches. It’s a good thing Area 51’s security is so tight that all you need is one of those cards with your picture on it and not have to know any, y’know, codes or anything. Mulder follows No Name’s lead and swipes his card at another door that has Morris’ name on it. Morris Fletcher, we learn. Inside the office, Mulder takes a gander at the photos on the wall. Morris and Newt Gindrich, Morris and The Reagans… aw, man! Another Republican? What’s with this show’s liberal agenda, making all Republicans bad guys? Not that I don’t agree with the show’s liberal agenda, but it’s a little obvious. Oh, look! It’s Morris and Sadam! Or is it John Gilnitz? I can never be sure. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, we’ll get to that later. Anyway, as Mulder examines the photos, he seems to finally realize that this… Republican… is with Scully. Help! Scully’s trapped in a car with a Republican! Who smokes! Okay, I’ll stop. Sorry to offend those more conservative readers. Each his own, and what not.

The real Morris Fletcher – the one in the Mulder suit – pulls into a gas station. Scully is concerned because he’s been silent since the confrontation. “Mulder” is fine. “Gas cap’s on your side.” He’s a prince, this one. She gets out and begins to pump gas as her phone rings. “Mulder” is fiddling with the radio and can’t hear it, so she has to hop back into the car to pick it up, turning down the radio and giving “Mulder” a dirty look. Oh, she’s gonna be a great mother. Except not really since William ends up being kidnapped, almost killed twice, and ultimately put up for adoption all before his first birthday.

By the time she picks up, though, Mulder – the real Mulder – has to hang up. No Name bursts into his office exclaiming, “Bastard!” Back at the gas station, Scully hangs up and gets back out. “Mulder” asks her to pick him up some Morleys (Morley’s slogan? “The choice for fictional characters. Preferably evil.”). “You don’t smoke!” Scully exclaims. And Morris answers with this little gem, “You’re not gonna be a Nazi about it, are you?” Taking a moment to decide whether to chew him out on the dangers of smoking or just slam the door in his face, Scully decides upon the latter and heads inside the little shop.

No Name is back in Morris’ office, explaining to Mulder that there’s definitely a leak. Someone called the FBI this morning from “Wegman’s” office. Mulder has no idea who that is, so each time No Name says something, Mulder just repeats it with this “I obviously have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m pretending like I do” voice. Basically, Mulder’s leak came from within the “old man’s” office. No Name says about the leak, “He’s rubbing our noses in… the fact that he works in this building, that he has access to everything, all our work.” He doesn’t for a minute suspect Wegman himself because that would be too obvious. Just before Mulder is forced to react to No Name’s anger, the phone rings. He picks it up to hear a very shrill Nora Dunn on the other end (who was awesome in Three Kings, but I was never a fan of her on SNL) bitching about why he isn’t home yet and not to forget the milk. Ah, marriage. It seems so fun. Mulder notices a picture of Morris’s family, which includes an average-looking pre-teen son and a, let’s say, generously be-schnozzled teenage daughter. What a joy that family must be. No Name confirms that it’s “the wife”, then cracks an invisible whip at Mulder, making that oh-so-classy “wuck-shh” sound as Mulder just looks like he got hit with a truck. No Name invites “Morris” to go home with him (no, not like that; they’re just carpooling together) and the next scene is No Name dropping Mulder off in front of a modest two story home in the middle of the night. He sorta looks around, then, resigned, heads inside. I find it incredibly amusing that there’s this entire community out in the middle of the desert somewhere. Shopping must be a bitch.

He cracks open the door quietly and surveys the entry hall. It’s interesting that even though it’s – again – a super top secret organization, they don’t feel it necessary to lock their doors. Anyway, Mulder heads straight for the phone to, I presume, try and call Scully again. What he hears isn’t even a dial tone; it’s an operator asking to whom the call should be directed. Hey, I thought only the President got that kinda phone service! Cool! Anyway, Mulder doesn’t want his call traced so he says “Good Night” and quietly hangs up. The next scene is him sneaking into the master bedroom to find Nora Dunn already asleep. The music is all tense and he’s all shadowy, even thought the scene is incredibly tame. Did he expect to find an alien asleep in there? He shuts the doors again and finds a comfortable spot on the Laz-E-Boy in front of the sofa. He flips until – what else – soft core porn is on the TV, then he lies back to sleep. It’s hilarious that he sleeps to porn, rather than doing what… other people do while watching it. So I’ve heard. Eh-hem. Moving on.

Ooh, now we’re getting somewhere. We’re looking at the wreckage of a plane crash. Or at least a craft crash, but that doesn’t quite roll of the tongue the same way. Men in silver suits walk around with fire extinguishers as a white Jeep Cherokee flies toward them at a speed that can’t be safe. An older guy gets out of the car, and by the way NotSpender is sucking up to him, I’m guessing he’s the “old man” that No Name was taking about earlier. His uniform indicates he’s some kind of General or Captain, or whatever rank is at the top of the Area 51 Secret-Alien-Technology-Testing-Military chain of command. NotSpender is telling this “old man” that the craft seems to have lost altitude over Highway 375 right around 23:17 hrs (that’s 11:17 to you and me – sound familiar?), although they can’t figure out why. They have the flight data recorder, though, so that should help. And the pilots? Well… let’s just say the co-pilot’s a rock star (get it? Sigh. Okay, not my best work, I’ll admit) while the pilot’s gone catatonic. No, seriously. The co-pilot seems to have merged with a nearby rock on what seems to be a molecular level! Gross! And the pilot, thankfully whole (and kinda cute), was found rocking quietly back and forth and muttering something in a Native American dialect. And the guy’s totally white! What the…?

Ooh, back at the FBI, Scully is waiting outside Kersh’s office, looking smokin’, as usual. She sees “Mulder” walk past the office all nonchalant-like and calls him inside like a disobedient puppy. It’d be kinda cute if it was really Mulder and not this asshole. He smiles and calls her “Dana” – EVEN THOUGH NO ONE’S DIED; clearly he’s not her Mulder - and tells her that he got a little “lost in [his] head” and that’s why he was late. As he flirts with Kersh’s secretary, Scully just looks at him like he’s way crazier than usual. Ms. Bottle Blond behind the desk informs them that Kersh is waiting and “Mulder” practically sprints into the office.

And here’s Kersh. Ah, James Pickens, Jr., how I both love and loathe you. First, let me say that you are awesome on Grey’s Anatomy. You bring a sense of warmth and gravitas to the series that I really enjoy. Aaaand then there’s this performance. Where’s the warmth? The grandfatherly advice? The need to watch old movies with Patrick Dempsey and McSteamy while eating cold pizza and whining about whether Meredith Grey’s mother really loved you? It’s just not there, and the character’s the worse for it, if you ask me. Anyway, it goes without saying that every other word he says is emphasized, so I’m not even going to bother typing all that out like Jessica does it. Basically, he’s not happy that Mulder and Scully were in Nevada (one point in his favor… at least he pronounces “Nevada” right, unlike half the cast of CSI even though the show takes place there. It’s Navadah, not Nevaughdah.), and that this is the third time he’s lectured them about these “field trips”. And that they should, per the Pentagon, be reprimanded for trespassing on a top secret base, even though they were really just on the freeway. But let’s not let itsy bitsy stuff like “logic” get in the way of good storytelling. Then, he asks them whether their current caseload warranted such a trip, even though, again, logic-be-damned, they weren’t exactly on duty at the time and it could have been considered a private expedition. It’s not like Mulder submitted an expense report. But Fletcher-as-Mulder explains calmly to Kersh that they were contacted by someone on the base and that, “If [he] had the name [he]’d give it to [him]. Some whistle-blower working inside the so-called Area 51.” Then he babbles on about how the whole thing was a “gigantic mistake” on their part. Meanwhile, Scully is just looking at both of them like “What the hell is going on here?” And when “Mulder” agrees with Kersh that he should not be investigating the X-Files, she shoots this “if looks could kill” glance his way that Mulder would have found incredibly sexy but Fletcher just blows off. Now Fletcher is apologizing to Kersh for their “blatant disregard of [his] direct order.” I’d imagine that Kersh was speechless, but they cut straight from Fletcher to them leaving the office, so I guess we just have to assume he was. Oh, and didja catch how he gave the Bottle Blond a little look, there? And is it considered cheating on Scully if Mulder’s body has sex even though Mulder wasn’t in it at the time? That question comes into play later.