SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Okay, so, a couple things before starting this recap. First off, this is one of very few episodes that features Mulder and Scully in the teaser. A bit of trivia, there. No need to thank me. The other thing? I once drove this highway coming back from Tucson (via Vegas), and Michael McKean never stopped me. So don’t go thinkin’ this happens to everyone. Just Mulder and Scully. All that bein’ said, let’s play our game!

The Scroll in the Font of Courier New With Caps Lock On tells us that we’re on Highway 375 in rural Nevada. Which could really be anywhere that isn’t Lake Tahoe, Reno, or Vegas (ooh, don’t forget Laughlin! … Maybe only Nevadans get that joke. Never mind.), but is really this stretch of road outside of Vegas that is affectionately known as “The Extraterrestrial Highway”. Though, sadly, you don’t ever get to see actual extraterrestrials on it. It’s also 11:17 PM. A car whizzes by and suddenly we’re inside. It’s Mulder! And Scully! And Mulder’s driving! Oh, so that’s not so exciting. And it’s really dark. I mean, I know it’s 11:17pm and all, but you can hardly see their faces. If there were a kiss in this scene, I’d be extremely upset. That’s how dark it is. Anyway, he’s telling her that the only have two miles left, and Scully’s tingling. Or, erm, “all a-tingle”. She asks Mulder, in that affectionately chastising voice we all know and love, how he knows that his so-called “clandestine source” isn’t “another crackpot whose encyclopedic knowledge of extraterrestrial life isn’t derived exclusively from reruns of Star Trek.” There’s a joke to be had here about Klingons circling Uranus, but I can’t quite get the bat off my shoulder. Anyway, Mulder tells Scully that this source works inside Area 51 and as he begins to explain what Area 51 is – because she’s 12 and has NO idea – when she interrupts and finishes his thought. “Marry me,” he says, awed by her. Oh, wait. That’s Chinga. In this one, he exclaims that proof of E.T. life (extraterrestrial is too long to type, althought I just did, so nevermind) is in there. And this is when Scully gets all metaphory with driving and stopping the car and getting out instead of watching their lives pass them by. Which is all well and good, but if I were Mulder, I’d be a little frustrated. Not more than a couple months previous, he practically begged her to “go be a doctor” and she refused. Why is she complaining about this now? Maybe she’s just tired. It is 11:17pm, after all.

So, he responds to her “don’t you want a normal life?” with “This is a normal life,” (which it totally isn’t, but he’s pretty so we’ll ignore his occasional stupidity) when the headlights from a car approach them from the right. Mark Snow’s Lower Keys on the Piano of Doom pound away as what turns out to be several cars skid to a halt right in front of them, blocking their path. Ooh, they’re behind them, too. Men get out, all heavily armed and fatigue-wearing. They request that Mulder and Scully get out of their car, which they do, hands held high. Out of one of the cars emerges… gasp! It’s CSM! With the smoking and the backlit silhouette! No, just kidding. Nice fakeout, Chris Carter. It’s really Michael McKean, star of awesome movies like Best in Show and Spinal Tap (and who, incidentally, seems to be married to Clark’s mom on Smallville, but that’s neither here nor there) and some awesomely bad movies like Earth Girls Are Easy. Not!CSM walks right up to M&S and asks for their IDs. They oblige, and he sighs. These damn FBI agents, gettin’ all up in his bid’nis. He tells them that they have to turn around because the road boarders a US Testing Ground, but not, by any means, Area 51. Nope. Nothing to see here! (“Cows turn themselves inside out all the time!” – South Park) Of all people, Scully calls him out, asking him if he’s testing crafts using U.F.O. technology. Guess she becomes a believer after a few hours in the car on a deserted Nevada highway. Yea, Not!CSM thinks they’re crazy and turns to head back to his car. Scully grabs Mulder’s arm and pulls him into an embrace. No, not really. She tries to get him back into the car, but then there’s this rumbling. And a light. A bright… light! It passes over Mulder and Scully and they’re illuminated in a way that is, well, that’s really attractive for both of them. Not!CSM has this look on his face like, “God Dammit! They just totally blew my cover!” As it hovers directly over Mulder’s head, there’s this whooshing noise and a ripple before the space craft seems to malfunction and either land or crash.

When Mulder looks back down, he’s looking at Scully. But he’s wearing Not!CSM’s suit! What just happened? Is this that Jody Foster movie where she switches bodies with her mom? Or, for the youngsters in the audience, that Lindsay Lohan movie where she switches bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis? It might as well be. Mulder’s all, WTF?!, as Not!CSM, now wearing Mulder’s pectastic grey shirt (although not so pectastic on McKean) and blue jeans, calmly gets back in the car with Scully and the two of them drive off.

Credits. Has anyone noticed that The Bionic Woman credits are trying to go for the same tone as these but are failing miserably? No? Just me?

We’re back. Mulder starts to run after the car as it drives away. A military guy asks if he wants him to open fire, but Mulder’s all, “My touchstone is in that car, you ass! Put your gun down!” As Army Boy asks what Mulder’s orders are, he contemplates for a second. Clearly these men are at his command, which is kinda cool in a totally freaked out kinda way. After a beat, Mulder tells Army Boy that he wants to get outta there. He gets into the passenger seat of a car and a voice from behind him keeps calling him Morris. That must be Not!CSM’s name. Oh, look! It’s Jeffrey Spender! Just kidding. Another fakeout. This guy is named “Howard” and the guy next to him, in shadow, doesn’t have a name yet. Howard asks why “Morris” let the FBI agents leave, and Mulder answers that they didn’t know anything. Which is kinda true, actually. No Name adds that they can’t just “disappear” two FBI agents.