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FIGHT THE FUTURE

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SEASON 9

Episode 3x17 – "Pusher"

Written by Vince Gilligan

Recap written by Adrienne (aka Starbucket)

We fade in on lettuce. Yes, you heard me. Read me. Whatever. Lettuce. Or, as I pronounce it in my head, thanks to an episode of the underappreciated series Ed, "LeToose". Is this the episode that solves the age-old debate of iceberg vs. romaine? Maybe, but I doubt it. The camera's moving. Oh. We're actually in the produce aisle of a market, and we're following a mid-30ish guy in navy blue sweatpants past various foodstuffs. He picks up some vegetable dip here and some V8 Juice there as the captions tell us, helpfully, that we're in the Mt. Foodmore Supermarket in Loudun County, Virginia. As Mark Snow's Music of Mostly Curiosity But Ultimately Impending Doom tinkles in the background, Sweatpant Man stocks up on cans of Carbo-Boost, which is not only on sale, but features a lovely and, I'm sure, steroid-infested arm flexing on the label. Guy loves his Carbo-Boost. Maybe it's the sweet 47¢ per can deal that entices him so. Or not, since he seems to be loading up on just about every energy-boosting drink in the aisle, whether or not it's on sale. As Sweatpant Man fills his little shopping basket with cans of Carbo-Boost, a smokin' but fairly obvious law enforcement type comes around the corner and stealthily examines a box of off-brand Animal Crackers as he watches our guy out of the corner of his lovely brown eye. He subtly-but-not-really follows him to the register, and Sweatpant Guy gets in line behind Curtis from 24. No, really. It's really him. Guy had to be stationed somewhere before he made it up to CTU, right?

Anyway, SPM picks up a copy of the World Weekly Informer and long-time fans of the show giggle as they see a badly drawn portrait of Fluky the Fluke Worm on the cover, along with a caption that decries, "Depravity Rampant on Hit TV Show" and showing a picture of a scantily clad Jennifer Aniston. Just kidding, but what a foreshadow that would be, eh? With the lawsuit and the sexual innuendo? Anyone? Bueller? Anyway, SPM laughs at the absurdity of the Flukeman – Hey! You have no idea how real he was, buddy? Wait til you're just sittin' in a porta-potty, mindin' your own bidniss, when t hat thing shoves a scolex up your ass! Then, perhaps you'll realize how true that cover story is! – and takes a gander out the window. He notices a cop's patrol car enter the parking lot, then sighs, "Let's get the show on the road." Sweatpant Man rips off the back of Curtis' jacket to reveal a tiny little FBI logo as he and his hot cohort spring into action, grabbing our guy and smooshing his face down onto the moving conveyor belt. Police brutality! Police brutality! No one seems to care except for the other FBI agents, who run from all corners of the store toward our cuffed Carbo-Boost buyer. Wow, what'd this guy do?

A big, burly guy in a standard police-issue trenchcoat and Burt Reynolds mustache enters the store and leans over Sweatpant Guy, asking him if he's Pusher. Whew. Thank goodness he's got a name that's easier to type than Sweatpant Guy. Pusher replies, "You must be Frank Burst," and I've never heard a more appropriate name for a character. The guy's a tree trunk. And Pusher agrees with me, because he thinks that Burst is a great name, too. Great and mildly psycho minds think alike, eh? Burst tells Agent Collins, aka Smokin' Guy, to read Pusher his rights, and he does as Curtis drags him out of the market, basket of Carbo-Boost forgotten in the uproar. Apparently, this cat's one bad mother (shut yo' mouth!), because Burst is demanding leg shackles and a car with a cage and stuff. Is he the next Hannibal Lecter, or Shaft? Let's find out, shall we? Rows of cop cars drive along the Virginia streets (although I suspect it's Vancouver. Hm. Don't know why. Just a feeling.) as Burst asks Pusher what his real name is. Pusher does not oblige. Then Pusher starts talking about how the deputy driving has a stunning blue uniform. The man sounds like a Project Runway castoff as he goes on and on about how soothing that blue is, and the name for that particular shade of blue is "cerulean." Cerulean Blue. Burst is all, "yeah, we get it. It's a nice shade of blue." But Pusher insists, "Cerulean Blue. Cerulean Blue is like a summer breeze." Burst tells "Mr. Blackwell" to put a sock in it, and I must be too young because I totally don't get that reference. [Ed. note: Mr. Blackwell is that guy that puts out an annual "worst dressed" list of ladies that, like, Cher is always on. Which…Cher is awesome. Suck it, Blackwell.—Lurkey] Anyway, the deputy is staring out the window as this huge blue Mack truck looms large. But then, like a breeze, it just disappears. The deputy, not seeing the truck, pulls out in front of it and the car gets smashed like a pancake. And, get this, the truck has a logo on the front, and that logo is Cerulean. Oooh.

Aw, credits. Yay. They're so 90s, yet still kinda creepy. Exactly what I look for in, uh, credits.