SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

By jennisaurusrex

Cleveland, Ohio. A seedy looking chap is sweet talkin' some honey (Get it? Huh? Sweet? Honey? Anyone? Oh brother, this is gonna be a long one...) while they sit in a car. At night. In the middle of nowhere. This is always a bad omen, especially when accompanied by Mark Snow's High Synth Notes of Misfortune, but forget what ya heard and keep on. Honey is expressing that she was afraid of being rejected, and Seedy's all, "No, I love your beliefs and how you see the world! We have a real connection!". He's spreading it on real thick (not unlike honey...which is a sick pun that will work on all sorts of levels as the episode goes on, trust me), saying how most men don't know what they're missing and all that jazz. Honey's all "I can't believe after three months we've finally met! I'm really enjoying myself!" Because this is 1995, and because I have half a brain, I'm gonna guess that they were internet sweethearts. Oh, the beginning of digital courtship! My heart thrums to the beat of a dial-up modem just thinking about these two little rascals meeting up in some beta-based chatroom, hoping to find love. Sure, I was 11 in 1995, but I had a dream! I had a dream that one day, when I was old enough, love would be as close as my iBook G4! That I would turn it on and find the man of my dreams, all Arial size 12 font with a little icon of Salvador Dali and... wait, you know what? Nevermind.

Honey's broke her necklace. Ripped it straight off her neck, I suppose from being so damn nervous. Seedy comes to the rescue, and then we notice he has some nasty skin thing on his neck, which makes me want to start calling him Skinny instead of Seedy. "Skinny" works on a whole lot of levels too, but I'll spare you. Honey doesn't notice Seedy's skin(ny) problem though, and starts telling him how her sister gave her that necklace for good luck--it's a silver four leaf clover-- and Seedy's all, "It's beautiful" like he's one of those weirdos in the black and white Calvin Klein commercials that whisper about CK1 with some bizarrely thoughtful look in their eyes. Then he leans in for the kiss and it doesn't take long before Honey realises that something's not quite right. She starts making all of these groany sounds and when Seedy backs away, her mouth is full of this phlegmy bubbly goo and she's trying to scream through it but her scream is all muffled. Seedy seems pleased with his work and goes in for the kill. The camera pans to the car rocking back and forth, but I can tell you with some amount of certainty that it's not from any boot knockin', that's for sure.

Morning. A police vehicle pulls out to the back of an abandoned warehouse where Honey's little brown car is sitting. The police officer gets out of his vehicle and knocks on the window of Honey's car. "Cockadoodle doo!" he says. "Rise and shine in there!" The windows of the car are foggy, and the officer wipes them off to look inside. "Mother of God!" he exclaims. We don't really get to see what he does, which I'm kind of grateful for, but we do get to see Honey's good luck charm amidst what's left of her body.

Oooh, it's opening credits. Do you realise how much I get made fun of at work for humming the theme song from the X-Files? I don't mean to or anything, it just kinda happens. My co-workers are like, "Freak! The X-Files has been off the air for years now!" and I'm like "It's just a hobby!". Then again, they don't know I'm recapping an episode of a television series that aired twelve years ago. And they're never gonna, either. 'Cos if they find out, one of you is getting CUT!

Uh, yeah, anyway. The seagulls are squawking and the detectives are..detectin'? A man walks over to where Mulder and Scully are standing and introduces himself as Allen Cross of the Cleveland P.D. Mulder's wearing sunglasses that make him look like a Blues Brothers escapee and Scully's wearing a suit that's blue in all the wrong ways. It reminds me of those patches of carpet that they spill wine on in those infomercials for stain removal where the host screams a lot for no real reason. "LOOK AT THESE STAINS DISAPPEAR!", he yells. "LOOK AT AGENT SCULLY'S SUIT DISAPPEAR ON AGENT MULDER'S BEDROOM FLOOR!" Oh wait, it's only Season 3. The removal of business suits for sweet love makin' doesn't happen until Season...what was it? Whatever. Cross says he's found Honey's license in the car and that Honey's name isn't actually Honey, it's Lauren Mackelby. Are you as surprised as I am? She looked like a Honey, anyway. Cross says he thinks that the body they've found is Honey--er, Lauren Mackelby-- but he can't be sure with what's left it, and we soon find out what he means by that. Most of the skin from the body has dissolved, leaving just a thin coating of muscle and blood over a skeleton, along with some pretty nasty clear goo. Scully wants to know if there's a cause of death, but Cross says it was impossible to tell and that they were just lucky to be able to get her body without it falling apart. Mulder wastes no time in collecting some of the goo and asks if it was found anywhere else in the car. Cross states that no, it was only on the body, but he's curious why Mulder asks, and wonders if he has any idea on what happened. Mulder just says, "No, not yet" and walks away, leaving Scully with the niceties of saying she'll let Cross know when they find anything concrete.