SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Recap by Crass

Outside the 14th Precinct House, Buffalo, New York. A pair of detective-type men get out of a car and go into the building. One of them is carrying a brown bag. Is it his lunch? Evidence? I’m sure all will soon be revealed…or not. They mustn’t be too busy, as they stop to sexually harass an attractive woman cop who gives as good as she gets. Cool! It’s Maggie Wheeler, who is a friend (and I believe an ex-girlfriend) of Duchovny’s and got him his first movie role in New Year’s Day. Fans and those appreciative of quality nudity should check it out – there’s even penis! Duchovny must have been in his mid-20s then and my-oh-my, what a gorgeous young man he was, even if his hair did need a good cut. There must have been a trail of moist knickers left all around Yale while he was working on his Masters and PhD. Maybe some soggy jocks too. Mmm-mmm. Moving on. Maggie’s wearing jeans and tops them off with a blue shirt, some sort of white unbuttoned vest, and a jacket over the top. It must be cold for her to be wearing so many layers. She says, “See ya,” to the other cops and leaves the building, but as she goes around the corner, she sees a little blonde girl sitting by herself in the alley way. She asks the kid if she’s all right, and if she’s lost, but the kid just looks at her and sort of nods.

So much for getting home and getting some sleep – Maggie’s back in the precinct and she’s left the kid with the detective who harassed her earlier. She’s also taken off the jacket and when can see the vest in its full, horrible glory. It has pockets, people! Pockets above the breast, pockets that serve no practical purpose whatsoever. Ah, early nineties’ fashion - even worse than the eighties, in my jaded opinion. Detective Sexual Harassment Panda is bitching about being left with the kid. Why should he assume Maggie would be better with kids, just because she’s female? Gah. They go into the holding room and Maggie tells the little girl that Detective Barbala is going to help find her parents. He calls the little girl ‘sweetheart’ and asks what her name is. Apparently, it’s Michelle. She looks thrilled to bits at being left with Detective Sleaze and Maggie tells her not to be scared and leaves the room. Detective Sleaze gets out his notepad and starts to question Michelle Ma Belle about her parents. Her last name is Bishop. He continues to question her but Michelle is giving him the hairy eyeball and then BAM! He flies out of the window in a hail of broken glass, for no apparent reason. Maggie, her attempt to go home thwarted yet again, runs back into the room and looks out the broken window. Detective Sleaze has landed right on top of a car. I hope that’s his own car he’s ruined. Michelle Ma Belle is still sitting at the table, looking non-nonplussed by the turn of events. She’s got some nasty luggage under the eyes for a young kid. Maybe she should get her liver checked out? Doo DOO doo doo doo DOO – you know the drill.

Lucky police! They have a crime scene right outside the front door, which really saves on travel time. The press have just turned up and are filming away. Inside the precinct and YAY! It’s Moose and Squirrel! Turns out Maggie has called them in especially, as her brother was a cop on the Tooms case in Baltimore. Good to see that Mulder’s shenanigans impress someone other than Scully. She goes on to tell Mulder that Detective Sleaze never won any popularity contests at the 14th (hard to believe, I know) but he was still a cop and Maggie can’t let it go. Scully asks her about the little girl who witnessed what happened and Maggie tells Scully that the little girl said there was another man in the room. Scully starts to say that it stands to reason, but Maggie cuts right over her to say that she was right outside and that Detective Sleaze and the little girl were alone in the room. Mulder asks her if she got a description and she exasperated says, “I’m telling you, there was no one else.” She tells Moose and Squirrel that the department is treating this as a suicide but she says: “I knew this guy. There was no way he did himself.” Oh, and not the most believable scenario that he’d choose to do it in front of a little girl he was interviewing. Searching in vain for a scientific explanation, Scully asks if he was depressed or under psychiatric care of any kind. You just keep plugging away, Scully. I’m sure one day it will all make sense. One day. Maggie says, “Nah. The only time he ever looked at himself was in the mirror, and he always liked what he saw.” Ouch! Just as well he’s dead, or he’d be occupying the Burn Unit at the local hospital after that comment. Mulder walks past the crime scene techs and makes the comment that most jumpers tend to open the window before they jump out. I guess getting a face full of glass before your plunge to the unforgiving pavement (or unfortunately parked car) would sort of be adding insult to injury. Maggie tells them that the little girl was picked up by her mother an hour ago. Scully says that surely Maggie doesn’t think that the little girl has anything to do with Detective Sleaze’s untimely encounter with gravitational force, but Maggie says, “I don’t know what to believe.” Come sit by me, Maggie. You’ll fit right in. Have you heard of this concept called the mytharc? Apparently the kid gives her the wig. Anytime any kid appears on The X-Files, there’s something evil afoot.