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SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

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Next morning. The Nerd Carpool is back and The Jerk runs into the house to get Sandy . He notices that the house is stifling and he sees Sandy sitting on the couch. He calls to him. "Sandman? Hot Dog? Corn Dog? Hot Pocket?" But Sandy doesn't move. As he walks around the couch, we're given a lovely scene of Sandy 's open gaping hole in his chest. It's all bloody and gross. The Jerk is freaked out and makes for the front door. Then we hear the familiar alien screeching sound from the movie and The Jerk turns around, looking horrified. Then the alien lunges for The Jerk and he's all, "Help me!" He's bloody and running for the door. Just as he gets his hand on the doorknob, he's attacked again. Darn. So close! We hear some screaming and then fade to...

Credits. Ok, how stupid is CSM and the Syndicate for studying the mutated virus in Arizona ? In the movie, weren't they practically having aneurysms over keeping it contained and sticking to their "Deny Everything" mantra? They know the alien virus thrives on heat! And why weren't these scientist nerds under heavy security? No wonder the Syndicate got burned up. Man, I have a feeling this is going to be one long recap.

FBI Lab. Mulder's working at this computer, putting burned pieces of paper together. They look like his burned up X-Files cases. Then Mulder is sitting in front of a table filled with Assistant Directors, including one Walter Skinner. Yay for Skinner! Mulder is telling them that he's been working on restoring his cases with adding moisture to the burned paper and then gluing them back to together. Something like that. I guess he succeeds because apparently, ALL THOSE X-Files Doggett read was enough for him to think it was an actual accomplishment. Anyways, Mulder feels confident that he and Scully can begin working immediately. As if on cue, Scully walks in and she looks as though this is the last place she wants to be. A.D. Maslin, Wendie Malick, who played Nina on Just Shoot Me!, is having some trouble with Mulder's "pie-in-the-sky" report about colonization and then she calls his account "omnibus." Know what became really omnibus? The mytharc. Mulder says that he can back his report up. Then Random A.D. #1 says that Mulder's "renowned arrogance" is still intact and he's shocked that Mulder expects them to believe all this crap about an alien spaceship. Scully looks uncomfortable. Mulder then tells them that the ship melted the ice, and then rose up out of it. Random A.D. #1 tells Mulder this this report is "essentially unintelligible." Mulder wants them to focus on his and Scully's resulting medical conditions. Random A.D. #2 asks Mulder if the aliens he saw were similar to the aliens in Men in Black. Mulder hasn't seen it. Random A.D. #2 says that it was "a damn good movie." I bet he has a Will Smith poster above his bed. Mulder agrees that his report sounds like science fiction, but they have facts to prove it. Now Scully looks really uncomfortable.

A.D. Maslin wants to get this straight, because she's probably a little confused by all this. Well, welcome to the life of an X-Phile. "The plot is for these spacelings to take over the planet aided by a group of men here on earth?" Then Mulder says that it's a conspiracy in the government and then Skinner looks constipated. "Who are growing corn in the middle of the desert which features pollen which was genetically altered to hold a virus which will be taken away by bees whose sting transmits the virus, causing the growth of an extraterrestrial biological entity inside the human host?" Mulder says that he and Scully will prove it now that the X-Files are reopened. You're going to prove it, huh? Except you never do because 1013 completely threw this whole section of mytharc out the window. Then Random A.D. #1 says something like Mulder's presumptuousness is greater that the actuality of working on the X-Files. Mulder doesn't understand and Random A.D. #1 tells him that he's justifying their placement on the X-Files with a "rattletrap" story about adventures in Antarctica. Random A.D. #2 then grumbles about travel expenses. Mulder shoots him the stank-eye. Mulder's not down with auditing, yo. A.D. Maslin says that the FBI isn't a school for science or a place to grind personal axes, and she hopes that Mulder and Scully can provide some hard evidence. Mulder then gets on his high horse and proclaims that "Agent Scully was assigned to the X-Files as a scientist, was stung by one of these bees and was infected with this virus. She is here today with hard and incontrovertible evidence... Scientific proof that the virus she was infected with is, in fact, extraterrestrial." Mulder looks at Scully. Scully is probably wishing that the earth would open up and swallow her. She's speechless and Mulder is stunned that she's not backing him up.