SEASON 1

SEASON 2

SEASON 3

SEASON 4

SEASON 5

FIGHT THE FUTURE

SEASON 6

SEASON 7

SEASON 8

SEASON 9

Recap by supposebly

FBI Warning: Nice. The FBI warns me to keep this under wraps, don’t share, don’t scare, don’t ever sell these stories to the mass media. Ok, I don’t want to end up like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory. Well, I never wanted to be Mel Gibson, Conspiracy Theory, or not.

I’ve actually never seen the X-files on TV. For now, I’m assuming that that caused my ongoing addiction.

One of those many roads through some forest in British Columbia. Pardon, New Jersey 1947.

And a perfect little American Family singing a perfect little car trip song that this German recapper can’t identify. Oh well. Since this is the teaser, the tire breaks and we are witness to the father’s reassuring tone that it’s just a flat. And of course, it’s never just a flat since this is the teaser and there should be a reason why we would keep watching. Who would watch a guy changing a flat tire? Exactly.

We sweep from a close-up of the father’s flashlight lying in the grass to him grunting while pulling something off the car. It’s not a tire, I can see that. What is he doing?

Well, he hits the flashlight with the tire iron and it rolls down the ditch. That is not how you treat your flashlight! No wonder you won’t make it beyond the teaser.

He follows the flashlight, picks it up and climbs back to the car. Apparently it has taken him so long to pull whatever off the car that his kids have fallen asleep. Maybe he should have let his wife help. She might have surprised everyone with her mad tire-changing skills and then he could have survived.

Anyway, he barely gets the words “honey, would you mind holding the light for secoaaaaaaa! when he comically gets pulled backwards and down. Really fast. I rewind and it’s still cartoonishly funny. The wife runs out, screaming “Paul, what happened?” The flashlight didn’t roll away this time, so she picks it up. However, no answer is forthcoming. We see legs being pulled through the bushes, indicating that this is one dead husband. The kids are apparently still asleep.

This does not bode well for the edge of the seat suspense and the “scaryness” of the story, CC always was so damn proud of. Now, there might be 4 or 5 episodes of the X-files where I might have jumped once or twice and I’m someone who can’t sit through a plain old slasher film a la Friday the 13th. But this one? No.

We cut to men in uniform and dogs running through the forest waving their flashlights around. It seems to be dawn. See, that’s how you treat your flashlight! Uphill and downhill. Running, with the dogs barking and the uniformed men…barking. It’s all very intense and testosterony to quote Phoebe Buffay. Someone yells, “over here, I found something.”

Everyone runs to the yeller and we see a torso in a shirt, which, I’m no fashion expert but that shirt looks rather clean considering it’s been dragged around all night. Someone barfs and someone else provides us with an explanation given in a hoarse, voice. “His leg’s been eaten off.” I’m assuming he is talking about the torso on the ground not the barfer.

The manly men take a few seconds to stand there and stare meaningfully over their moustaches (seriously, they all have one) until we hear someone yelling. “Hey, up here!” Everyone runs uphill to find a guy who says: “It’s in here, it’s as tall as a house!”

Aaand, I’m giggling again. Who wrote that thing? Oh, Chris Carter himself. Well, that explains some things. Not all but some.

They are standing in front of a cave, supposedly someone or something is inside that is tall as a house.

But that always bothers me about those supposed ‘scary’ shows on TV. The teaser almost always kills someone we don’t know, we know we’ll never see again. How can we be scared if some actor gets his leg eaten off? At best, it’s gross, but all I saw was a shirt that was suspiciously clean and blood free.

We get a camera view from inside the cave. There is some back and forth about “smokin’ it out”. Then someone yells: “I see it. He’s coming at us!” Gun fire and cut to credits.

There is this theory that things are scarier if we don’t see them and let our imaginations run wild. Generally, I think that’s true but it would have helped if we had a clearer monster point of view, during that final scene. Some movement towards the shooters, some breathing, something! The way this was shot (pardon the pun), I felt like standing behind a camera, zooming in on one of the shooters, bam, that’s it. I never got the feeling that there ever was someone in that cave.

And the old credits. I still like them. Therefore, I have nothing more to say. I hope they use the music for that second movie that is supposed to get made.