The One Where Scully Actually Sees A Spaceship And Doesn’t Deny It
7×01 – THE SIXTH EXTINCTION – So, the 7th Season kicks off with Mulder in pretty bad shape. Like that’s new, right? But this time it’s pretty bad. He’s in the hospital and his Mysterious Brain Disease is getting worse. Scully’s still in Africa, playing with a machete but she makes a new friend. Which is good because Creepy Dr. Barnes shows upand he’s craaaazzzyyyy. Kritschgau’s back, all bitter and pissy. Skinner’s desperate and confused. Diana Fowley makes a half-assed love confession to manipulate Mulder into overlooking her betrayal. And then Scully proves once again why she is the only one that without which, Mulder couldn’t live. Without. Which with. Whatever. (Recap by Bolissa)
The Passion Of The Mulder
7×02 – THE SIXTH EXTINCTIONII: AMOR FATI – In the concluding chapter of the Season 7 premiere, we’re treated to The X-Files version of The Last Temptation of Christ. CSM and Diana Fowley trap Mulder in a Suburbia of Lies, where he’s reunited with his fake sister and a tennis-playing Deep Throat. They all convince him to abandon Scully and the earth is colonized by aliens without Mulder ever putting up a fight. Don’t worry though, it’s only a dream. There’s also this other dream that’s filled with sand UFOs, a young boy and a gray pectastic t-shirt. Diana is murdered and X-Philes everywhere throw a party. We also bid a fond farewell to Kritschgau and at the end of a 3-episode arc, where absolutely nothing is explained about his activities, Krycek finally makes my head explode. And in a truly touching climax, Mulder and Scully reveal how much they mean to each other: Hallway Style. (Recap by Bolissa)
I Dipped MY Boys In The Recap, Not The Coleslaw
HUNGRY – After investigating all the way to Africa in the last few episodes, we jaw-shatteringly return to Earth by finding a weird freak who has cool eyes and loves expired meat and brains. Something smells goo-ood!
Should Auld TV Shows Be Forgot
7×05 – MILLENIUM – In which Chris Carter gives a farewell party to his failed show Millennium , there’s a cool set of zombies shambling around a basement, and the world as we know it pretty much ends in a shower of New Year’s sparks. (Recap by M.C. Exalt)
Feel The Rush
RUSH – Feel it, dammit! I’m sure something happened in this episode, but Mulder and Scully weren’t needed. Therefore, neither are my TinyCapping skills. Aside from writing that my TinyCapping skills weren’t needed.
Cause and Effect…
7×06 – THE GOLDBERG VARIANT – Cause: Airplane crash. Effect: Henry loses an eye and gains some luck.
Cause: Shia LaBeouf needs a new liver. Effect: Henry gets thrown off a skyscraper by the Mafia.
Cause: Mulder drags Scully to Chicago. Effect: Scully makes a joke! And tells Mulder to take off his clothes.
He’s STILL Totally Resistible, Dude…
ORISON – …But now he’s dead as well. A random prison priest helps Donnie Pfaster escape. Then, the man with the evil shampoo is an idiot and decides to go after Scully again. Hey, when you play with fire(-colored hair), you’re gonna get burned…
A Moderately Amazing Episode: No Racing Necessary
THE AMAZING MALEENI – Monk totally copied off this unorthodox episode. In other news, did you know that Scully is an amateur magician? However, I doubt that this episode was the first time she’s ever gotten down on all fours in front of Mulder.
No Signs, No Wonders
SIGNS AND WONDERS – Rattlesnakes, whilst they sound disturbing, are not scary and should never have been used as the basis for an X-File. Got it, writers? Apparently not, because that’s pretty much the whole premise of this episode.
The End Is Nigh
SEIN UND ZEIT – No-one shoots at the Mytharc. At least not if Momma Mulder can help it. Unfortunately, she can/t, and she dies. Also, Santa Claus is a pedophile. Not the real one, though. Your stockings can rest easy.
The End Is High
CLOSURE – The vice-principal from Boston Public guest stars as a psychic. Meanwhile, Squirrel gets into a séance, and Samantha was abducted by fairies, not aliens. Or something like that. The only important thing is that she’s dead.
Crackpipe Shenanigans III
X-COPS – As the show finally realises LA can’t impersonate anywhere else that well, Moose hams it up for the camera, the makers of The Blair Witch Project sue 1013, and Cops camera guys are wimps.
We’re Getting Our Ya-Ya’s Out
FIRST PERSON SHOOTER – The Lone Gunmen go and exploit Silicon Valley for all it’s worth this week. Provided it’s “worth” is a crappy video game involving a lot of standing still and extremely fake-looking animation. It’s not worth the CD-Rom it’s written on.
Scully Vs. Voodoo
THEEF –Two weeks after we had a Fear monster episode, the guy who played the Fear Demon on Charmed (I’m so ashamed that I know that) turns up as a grieving dyslexic father. Who, also ironically, practices witchcraft. Huh.
En Ami, Or Enemy?
EN AMI – Welcome to the first episode of a trilogy of a different kind – three of the most well-known cast members each write an episode, because the writers are lazy. This week, William B. Davis gets the cure for cancer and uses it as an excuse to put Squirrel in skimpy dresses.
Surprise In The Suburbs
CHIMERA – Mulder gets a nice, welcoming family now that his is gone and all. Ravens are the bad guy in a bizarre love triangle. Also (and this is the funniest part), Scully stakes out a brothel for a drag queen. And it’s not even Mardi Gras!
All (Not-So-Good) Things Must Come To An End (Thankfully)
ALL THINGS – Yeah, it’s not meant to be capitalised, but I don’t give a shit anymore. If Gillian Anderson can’t write a good-quality episode of The X-Files, then her requests deserve to be ignored. On that note, check out my new fanfic!
Dancing With Disaster
7×18 – HOLLYWOOD AD – As we finally wrap up our star-written Trilogy Of Bad Episodes, David Duchovny proves just hw much of a famewhory ass his wife is, Chris Carter himself makes a cameo, and Garry Shandling has a flashlight in his pants… AND is happy to see you. Ewww.
A Face-Eating Good Time
7×19 – BRAND X – Genetically-engineered tobacco beetles transported by cigarette smoke infest people, including Mulder. This features several gross-out scenes unparalleled by anything on the show… at least until the Skin Shower. (Recap by Mack the Spoon)
Plotholes (And Manholes) A-Plenty
7×20 – FIGHT CLUB – Kathy Griffin guest stars this week as a woman named Lulu. Kathy Griffin guest stars this week as a woman named Betty. Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb guests stars as a dumb wrestler. Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb guest stars as a seemingly intelligent prisoner. The plot’s hard enough to follow without all of this *static* going on.
Napoleon’s Dynamite… Maybe
7×21 – JE SOUHAITE – Our third attempt at a comedy episode in a row, and this one actually works, thank God. Mulder gets control of a genie, and, to the audience’s surprise, he doesn’t ask for an unlimited supply of porn. Instead, he gets her a cup of coffee. Yeah, aside from that, it all makes sense, and is quite possibly the best non-Darin-Morgan comedy episode of the show ever aired.
Requiem – or Where My Baby-Daddy At?
7×22 – REQUIEM – in which Mulder finds out the hard way that it’s not a good idea to stick your hand into just anything and Scully gets nausea and vertigo from too much mytharc all at once. (Recap by Crass)