Season 5

Back To The Beginning

REDUX – Mulder, totally not dead at all, breaks into the Pentagon like it’s the easiest thing in the world (it’s not, my ex-girlfriend is). He’s like a freaking cockroach. Ahem. Anyway, he finds a cure for Scully’s cancer. Except it’s just water. Don’t you hate it when that happens?


The Second Coming Of Lazarus

REDUX II – Squirrel gets her cure, and Moose gets to see his sister again. And yet we’re still left with a bitter feeling in our mouth at the end of this. I blame the writing. Or possibly the omnipresent Cancer Man.


Unusual Suspects or Land of the Giant Cell-phones

UNUSUAL SUSPECTS – in which Mulder is nekkid and babbling (phwoar!), Byers is a narc, Langly doesn’t believe in Government conspiracies, Frohike is only sleazy rather than sleazy and paranoid and Scully is only a twinkle in Section Chief Blevins’ eye.  Oh, and there’s an appearance by a molar-pulling Mata Hari.  Recap by Crass


The Non-Amazing Kind Of Detou

DETOUR – Spanish explorers somehow get mutated into Floridian versions of the Jersey Devil from season one. It’s not the most logical X-File, but you do get Scully singing and Mulder’s joy at going to a trust workshop to cancel that out. Yay.


The Baby-Momma Of Frankenstein

THE POST MODERN PROMETHEUS – Chris Carter is color-blind this week, so naturally, the rest of us all are too. Peterman from Seinfeld plays an evil scientist who created the one creature on this planet who likes Cher. The search is over, and we can all go back to normal.


Deck The Halls… With Squirrel’s Ovaries!

CHRISTMAS CAROL – Scully’s dead sister calls her to tell her about a girl with dead parents. Then Scully thinks it was her niece. But she’s wrong. Turns out it’s her daughter. Dun-dun-DUN!


My Daughter Is An Alien, And I STILL Refuse To Believe

EMILY – Scully takes her new daughter away for testing. Scully finds out her daughter is an alien. Scully lets her daughter die. Although my typing is showing no emotion whatsoever, I assure you my heart is doing this inside: J. Uh, I mean: L. L!


Pusherette

5×08 – KITSUNEGARI – The title of this episode means ‘fox hunt’. Did you know that? You know, as in Fox Mulder? Well, you’ll certainly know that by the time it’s over. Pusher comes back in this episode, because no one ever dies on this show. And This Time, It’s Personal, because his magical evil fraternal twin sister wants revenge on our favorite agents for what they did. Despite some anvils, though, this episode is decent and features a climax that comes close to being as good as the famed Russian roulette scene. (Recap by Mack the Spoon)


Huh?

SCHIZOGENY – Evil soil did it. People with axes are evil. It’s pretty much the same old tired crap you’d see on cop shows and sub-standard sci-fi. That is all.


Our Maine Man

5X10 Chinga

Scully gets naked. Oh, and a possessed doll starts killing people, interrupting her vacation. (Recap by Jennisaurusrex)


Close Encounters Of The Trailer-Trash-Surveillance Kind

KILL SWITCH – The most intricate X-File yet, according to AntiChrisT Carter, involves a weird lady in skunk make-up talking about a virtual reality program run amok. It’s pretty much a re-tread of Ghost In The Machine, but slightly better, and with Ninja!Scully kicking the collectively not-so-tight asses of a bunch of Virtual Porn Nurses. Even when Mulder has no arms or legs, he still gets hot chicks. I hate him even more.


The Recapper Did NOT Have Buck-Teeth!

BAD BLOOD – Owen Wilson’s non-suicidal brother Luke manages to make fake buck teeth look convincing. And hot. Mulder and Scully can’t get their stories straight. Gillian Anderson has fun with intestines and poisoned pizza. David Duchovny and an RV (Ridiculous Vehicle) do their own stunts. Jessica got to do this episode at TWoP. Enjoy! (But come back for more. Please?


Comrades, Kazakhs, Abductees… Lend Me Your Face-Holes!

PATIENT X – The X-Files mytharc officially overtakes the world’s largest onion in terms of layers this week when we get to meet Special Asshat Jeffrey Spender and his invalid mother, who likes to be abducted by aliens. Problem is, these aliens with no faces keep burning abductees alive. Also, Hot!Krycek and HighClassSkank!Marita Cornucopia are SOOOOOOOOO doing it.


What About The Magenta, The Cyan, And The Vermilion? When Are THEY Getting Their Own Title?

THE RED AND THE BLACK – The aliens are at war! Cancer Man returns! Not to America, but he’s back in the show! The Alien Bounty Hunter is back, and in America! Krycek can’t be trusted! (OK, you already knew that.) Scully escapes the aliens, but we aren’t shown how! Sigh. Remember how good this show was?


David Duchovny, Darren McGavin, And Someone Pretending To Be Roy Cohn Walk Into A Bar. Not Much Happens.

TRAVELLERS – We learn the history of the name “The X-Files”, the real Kolchak turns up as a crusty old has-been FBI agent, and we get some moderately entertaining Communist jokes. It’s fun for everyone, except those who like cases dealing with the paranormal. Or those who like Scully.


Peek-A-Boo, I Can’t SeeYou… With My Own Eyes, At Least…

MIND’S EYE – A blind lady sees people getting murdered. Like, actually sees. Through someone else’s eyes. Not the metaphorical kind of seeing at all. And then she almost sees herself getting murdered. By her own father. Huh. Someone wake me up when people stop trying to kill their relatives.


A Failed Attempt At A Pun About Seraphims And Nephilims

ALL SOULS – Scully sees her dead daughter. Redheads are the devil. People with extra fingers should be hidden from everyone for their own safety. Mulder doesn’t do a lot. God can’t afford good special effects for his friend the Seraphim. It’s the usual religious show of the season.


Double Your Trouble, Double Your Double-Crossing Fun

THE PINE BLUFF VARIANT – Moose dresses up as an ape for a bank robbery. Scully seems to think that Mulder might actually be a bad guy. Nobody else is fooled. Terrorists try to kill people with their own money, popcorn, and car keys. Oh, how could you? Especially the popcorn one?


Monster Of The Work

5×19: FOLIE A DEUX – Welcome to Folie a Deux, a.ka. the One Where Mulder and Scully Fight a Giant Zombie Creating Bug, Or Do They?  It is also the one in five billion episode.


Downstairs In A Blaze Of Glory

THE END – A psychic chess freak kid who lives in the Philippines almost gets shot during a game. The bullet instead hits his Russian rival. The game is played in exotic downtown Vancouver. So… why is the FBI getting involved? Also, Mulder has a dirty mind, and a group of kid shrinks had a lot of breakfast.