The Hosteen With The Most… Een
THE BLESSING WAY – In the third season premiere, Mulder escapes from the train car without explanation, and spends the rest of the episode talking to ghosts just like Scully did last year. Then he rests at home. Something else probably happens too. Will the original excitement never end?
From Navajo To Nazi, In Two Short Episodes
PAPER CLIP – Mulder sees a not-so-Unidentified Flying Object. Scully sees aliens. And yet Scully STILL doesn’t believe. What is wrong with her? Also, the Nazis are responsible for the genetic experiments which caused the DAT file to be made. Rule #1 of TV: If you can’t explain something logically, blame Hitler, and it’ll all work out.
I Feel A Thunder In My Heart
D.P.O. – This week, Jack Black and Giovanni Ribisi guest star. That’s the most interesting thing about this generic episode, but we also get to see the “Head ButtMonkey: Chris Carter” screen at the end a bit differently too. Oh, look at the episodes either side of this and see if you can come up with a good TinyCap.
03×04: CLYDE BRUCKMAN’S FINAL REPOSE – Again with the guest stars! Now, the dad from Everybody More Or Less Likes Raymond For Some Reason Or Another is an insurance salesman who can tell how people are going to pie. I mean, die. Damn pie, even with Mulder’s foot in it, it still makes me hungry.
Just Like Oz…
THE LIST – …even with the killings. But no naked Keller or Ryan. Damn. Speaking of which, what sort of guard would leave an unprotected attractive female alone in a maximum security prison shower? Watch this episode to find out?
3×06: 2SHY – Hey, did you guys know that Scorpions can surf the internet? Yeah, I didn’t believe it either, but Scully said it, and she’s a medical doctor. Also in this episode: if you’re chubby and own a computer, watch out! Some freak named Virgil wants to give you free liposuction. With his mouth. (Recap by jennisaurusrex)
And you thought ‘legless’ was just an expression for drunk?
THE WALK – An armless, legless war veteran gets a postal worker to help him kill people. That’s the gist of it. Someone should have got him on a date with Helen Keller. Still, communication would have been a bitch. (Oh, you were all thinking it. Don’t lie.) Mulder tries to explain it as ‘astral projection’, but that don’t make it any less confusing.
Pretty As A Picture… Except Not
OUBLIETTE – A photographer kidnaps an eight-year-old, and a thirty year old lady goes out in sympathy. Shouldn’t Moose and Squirrel have left this up to the FBI’s People Who Act Like My Washing Machine And Refrigerator Department?
Americans, Germans, and Japanese Walk Into A UFO…
NISEI – Scully and Mushmouth The Elder get talking in a train car. About her abduction. And why it wasn’t by aliens. You know, for people trying to protect the truth from getting out, perhaps they shouldn’t tell the partner of the man whose life’s work it is? But then again, this is The X-Files, and commonsense is on strike. Again. Somebody really should sort that out.
Liar, Liar, Trains On Fire
731 – Mulder spends this week locked in a train car with a deadly fake alien. And a bomb. X to the rescue! In other news, Scully finds out that what she saw in the mine may not have been aliens at all. Hmmm. It’s all about hoaxes this week. I blame the writing.
Another Recycled Plotline
03×11 – REVELATIONS – Scully finds the stigmata in an 11-year-old boy. Because God knows grown men end up crying like little girls when it happens. Of course, preteen boys don’t cry. Mulder doesn’t believe, because he is an atheist. Damn his oily, good-looking hide!
Holy $#!T… eaters!
WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES – Scully reads Breakfast At Tiffany’s and eats ice cream and floor chocolate. Mmmm-mmmm! Also, Mulder meets an entomologist named Bambi. Yes, her name is Bambi. Luckily, her mother wasn’t killed. Not in the episode, anyway.
Neptune Rising In Uranus
SYZYGY – Moose and Squirrel investigate the mysterious death of Ryan Reynolds. They work out that it’s because of two teenage virgin sluts. Or the stars. Does anyone completely understand this plot, and why they were called in in the first place?
Grotesque, or “There’s Something About Gargoyles”
03×14 – GROTESQUE – In which Scully questions Mulder’s ideas about interior design and Mulder fulfils the American Dream by getting to shoot his boss. (Recap by Crass)
Ships And Other Shit
PIPER MARU – Skinner is shot! Krycek returns! Mulder gets stuck in Hong Kong! We meet the oil! Scully goes home! This is the best and worst episode ever! I can’t think of anything else to exclaim about!
Meanwhile, Deep In Silo 1013…
APOCRYPHA – Mulder, Scully, and Skinner all get out of their respective predicaments in one way or another, the man who shot Skinner and Scully’s sister is killed, and Krycek ends up puking the oilien out of his eyes. Yay!
03×17: PUSHER – The one in which our intrepid heroes let their fingers do some walking, play a little roulette (Russian, of course), battle an everyday monster with an enviable ability to snark, and Mulder makes a mental note to use “G-woman” in the bedroom later. Also, it’s the first episode that Vince Gilligan wrote which doesn’t feature Tony Shalhoub. Go Vince! (Recap by Adrienne aka Starbucket)
Basement Cat Is Watching You
03×18: TESO DOS BICHOS – The cat ate the rat, the dog ate the cat, and we’re forced to swallow this stinker of an episode in which, apparently, some stuff happens in a Boston museum, and if they ever turned the lights on, we might be able to see what that is. If you always knew your cat was plotting your demise, you…still will think this episode is stupid. The debut of John Shiban, who may have written it under the influence of yaje. (Recap by As An Amoeba)
Not A Chance In Hell!
HELL MONEY – Continuing with this season’s theme of celebrity guest stars, B.D. Wong, Lucy Liu and James Hong sort of but not quite work together to reveal a hidden organ lottery in Chinatown. Except none of them actually physically tries to. It’s all very disturbing in a totally non-X-File-y way.
Reynard Muldrake, FBI, And This Is My Partner, Diana Lesky
03×21: JOSE CHUNG’S FROM OUTER SPACE – Guess what happens in this episode? More celebrities! Charles Nelson Reilly talks to Squirrel about a fake abduction in a small Wisconsin town, and the cover-up organised by those two masters of deception, Alex Trebek and Jesse Ventura. Except it’s not that straightforward. Like it ever is.
Suck-ubus Is Right
AVATAR – Skinner wakes up next to a dead prostitute. Then sees a cranky old lady everywhere. Mulder tries to explain it as a succubus. Isn’t it possible that he just had a little too much to drink? Also, what the hell does the word ‘avatar’ have to do with the episode?
A Sea Snake And Moby Dick References. Not Together, Sadly.
QUAGMIRE – Starbuck loses Queequeg this week as he is eaten by a crocodile in this obvious take on the Loch Ness Monster. They should have really gone to Scotland for it. I’m sure the writers could have explained it away perfectly as to why Moose and Squirrel are there. Also, our two heroes end up camping out… on a rock ten feet away from shore. Idiots.
Yet Another Reason To Watch YouTube
WETWIRED – SFX wizard Mat Beck tries to write an X-File. He fails miserably. Still, it’s better than watching Space again. Also, X works for the bad guy. Like we hadn’t already figured that out in some form or another anyway. And get away from the damn TV, people!
Days of our Mulders
03×24: TALITHA CUMI – In which the Mulder family’s domestic squabbles take on global significance and Mulder’s arse is comprehensively kicked by a mysterious informant. Again. (Recap by Crass)