No-ho On The… Dodo? Navajo? Mojo? Flo-Jo? Rojo!
LITTLE GREEN MEN – Remember how the X-Files were closed at the end of the last season? Well, Mulder promptly celebrates by… chasing aliens all the way to Puerto Rico. And the jackass didn’t even bring me back some souvenirs!
THE HOST – If I had to sum this episode up in one word, ew. But since I have all this room to fill up with the TinyCap, Skinner tries to show Mulder that not everybody hates him by… forcing him to wade through sewage for a gigantic worm-thing. Remind me not to piss Skinner off.
Kill Them. Kill Them All, Before It’s Too Late
2×03: BLOOD – Oops, wrong sci-fi show. Anyway, in this episode, a small town faces such tragedies as random people killing other people because electronic devices tell them to, illegal pesticide spraying, and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Also, Mulder gets sprayed with something that may cause paranoia, but surprisingly, it’s hard to tell whether it makes him act any differently.
Can’t Sleep…Cole Will Shoot Me…
2×04: SLEEPLESS – Alex Krycek — aka Ratboy — makes his first appearance as Mulder’s new partner in this episode dealing with Vietnam veteran experimentees who no longer sleep. Krycek also spends his time wearing bad suits, getting ditched, and shooting the suspect in the end. Spoiler! (Recap by Mack the Spoon)
The Red Speedo Episode! And Some Tooth-Drilling Aliens Too
2×05: DUANE BARRY – Poor Duane Barry. He claims aliens have drilled holes in his teeth, and of course Mulder is the only one who believes him. Before he helps Duane, though, Mulder goes swimming. In a Speedo. (Recap by RhymePhile)
Where Oh Where Has My Little Scully Gone?
2×06: ASCENSION – Our heroine Scully gets abducted/kidnapped/vanished in this excellent episode, despite Mulder’s attempts to save her. He even dangles off the side of a mountain cable car. It doesn’t matter, though, because Gillian Anderson had to go have her kid. (Recap by RhymePhile)
Mulder Almost Gets Some
2×07: 3 – Remember how Scully almost got some when Mulder was elsewhere last year? Well, Scully’s also “on vacation”, and now it’s Mulder’s turn. But it’s dreadful. Don’t waste your time watching this episode. Read the recap instead.
2×08: ONE BREATH – Scully’s back, but she’s in a coma. More than anything in this world, Mulder wants to beat the holy living bejeezus out of whoever put her there, but is that what she really needs? Mulder’s going to need all his strength, and all his beliefs, for this one. This recap, sadly, is a lot longer than the length of one breath. Sorry. (Recap by As An Amoeba)
It’s Ice! Ice, Baby!
FIREWALKER – Except it’s not. Instead of tiny worms, you get giant fake-looking neck splitters. At least the pus is interesting to watch. Also, we continue the quasi-tradition of having semi-well-known future stars in “remote situation” episodes. Because we love us some Bradley Whitford and Leland Orser.
Meat is Murder (Not To Mention Delicious!)
2×10: RED MUSEUM – Mulder & Scully go out to dinner together. Oh, and a whole lot of other stuff about perverted landlords, alien DNA, Samantha’s future fate, graffiti-smeared hooligans and turban-wearing cult members happens, too. (Recap by ejluther)
Who said old farts were weak and slow?
EXCELSIUS DEI – This week, a random assortment of old people (and by random, this of course means “people who live at one creepy nursing home, and who must include Happy Gilmore’s grandma”) get in trouble with Sab Shimono and some magic mushrooms. About as interesting as it sounds. Except much less so.
DNA: Do Nothing in Aubrey, MO
AUBREY – Locke from Lost tries to save his serial-killer girlfriend from killing the man who gave her the killer genes. It’s surprisingly dull for what it is. However, it’s still moderately scary, and you should still read the recap.
He’s Totally Resistible, Dude (T)
02×13: IRRESISTIBLE – Donnie Pfaster scares Jessica. Because he’s freaky, and he’s going after our Scully. (Recap by TWOP’s Jessica)
Snakes; Eyes; Evil; and Scully
DIE HAND DIE VERLETZT – We all know substitute teachers are evil, but not this evil. Like, the PTA hired Satan. Which, you know, would imply, for the first time ever, that the PTA people are NOT the Devil. And, said PTA speaks German. Because we all know that Germans are evil as well. This is doing wonders for multiculturalism.
FRESH BONES – This week, the military locks up Haitians and Mulder and Scully are called in. If this was a certain other show involving the paranormal, they’d be running FROM the Haitians, not towards them. TV needs originality. Badly.
Scully, It’s Me…
COLONY – It’s time for some more alien-invasion stories, so what say we have, oh, I don’t know, clones working in fertility clinics all over the US (because, as TV would have us believe, the world exists purely of America and a few other assorted countries), and we’ll have an alien coming to kill them all, and then he’ll come after Scully even though she’s not an alien. It’ll make perfect sense. Oh, and chuck in some Samantha BS for good measure.
The X-Files On Ice… Sort Of
END GAME – Mulder goes up to Alaska to try and walk to a submarine, which just conveniently happens to be five feet above the surface. And he meets the Alien Bounty Hunter, and they fight, and Mulder nearly dies, but Scully saves him by not warming him up. It’s all very shippy in a platonic sort of way.
FEARFUL SYMMETRY – Scully does an autopsy on a dead elephant. Because she’s now a qualified zoo vet. And a monkey teaches Mulder sign language. Except the episode still sucks, and not in any of the good ways.
I’d Rather Be Viking
DOD KALM – Because Norway is under America’s control this week, our heroes go over to the land of the fjord to hunt a ghost ship. And Scully goes all wrinkly, and it’s not a good look on her, for once. And toilet water is good for you for some reason.
Super-Freaky, Yow! (T)
02×20: HUMBUG – Mulder and Scully investigate the murder of an Alligator Man, and meet all kinds of nifty people, including a guy with a conjoined twin hanging out of his stomach, and a little tiny Frohike. (Recap by TWOP’s Jessica)
I Don’t Vant To Suck Your Blood
THE CALUSARI – But they are from the same area as vampires, so I’m still going to make that stupid joke. Now it’s done, you may not need to read it again in the recap. But you might. I haven’t checked. Included: More evil twins.
I Did Not Need To See This
F. EMASCULATA – Mulder chases after the evil pus virus from Guatemala. Or something. And Scully does more autopsies. Or something. And people die. That probably does happen. I couldn’t get all the way through the episode. At least you won’t have to see the exploding pus monster that isn’t a monster. Whatever.
SOFT LIGHT – This week, the guy from Monk is scared of his own shadow. Then X takes him away for testing. It’s surprisingly good, but not a lot really happens.
Finger Lickin’ Good!
OUR TOWN – In rural Arkansas, an entire town is full of cannibals. Yawn. They try and behead Our Scully. Boo! Mulder saves her. Awww. Turns out it’s the chicken factory’s fault. Ugh. I can’t come up with anymore sound effects. Crap.
MythArc On Hyperdrive
ANASAZI – The Lone Gunmen’s friend hacks into the Defence Department. He steals secret documents written in a dead language. Scully gets them translated. She’s in them. Krycek kills Mulder’s dad. Mulder finds a buried traincar. With dead bodies inside. Cancer Man comes. Even though “there’s no one inside”, he still wants it burned. Could it be because of something he knows?