Good Cop, Insane Cop: The Adventures of Moose & Squirrel

Recap by Bolissa

So, the 7th Season kicks off with Mulder in pretty bad shape. Like that’s new, right? But this time it’s pretty bad. He’s in the hospital and his Mysterious Brain Disease is getting worse. Scully’s still in Africa, playing with a machete but she makes a new friend. Which is good because Creepy Dr. Barnes shows upand he’s craaaazzzyyyy. Kritschgau’s back, all bitter and pissy. Skinner’s desperate and confused. Diana Fowley makes a half-assed love confession to manipulate Mulder into overlooking her betrayal. And then Scully proves once again why she is the only one that without which, Mulder couldn’t live. Without. Which with. Whatever.

Previously on The X-Files: There was an alien spacecraft on a beach in Africa. Pieces of it broke off and were spinning or flying all over the place. Some biologists were involved, one of them really creepy. Krycek was running around collecting tapes of Mulder & Scully’s conversations, although nobody really knows why. Skinner was basically helpless. Poor Albert Holsteen was dying of cancer. The spacecraft artifacts had some American Indian writings all over it and the rubbings of such made Mulder’s brain go crazy. Scully ran off to Africa to find a cure, leaving Mulder in the clutches of Diana “Love My Jugs” Fowley.

So, let’s get this show on the road!

Leo Carrillo State Beach, California. Oops, sorry. Ivory Coast, West Africa. Scully’s voice over kicks it in full gear. It’s addressed to Mulder, which supports my journal theory. I like the idea that Scully would write down stuff in her journal that she’d never have the guts to say to his face. Like her voice overs from Memento Mori. Scully’s sitting in her tent, going over rubbings from the spacecraft and oh, my God! Scully’s glasses! I’ve missed you. Remember when Scully used to be a nerd? Good times. “I came in search of something I did not believe existed. I’ve stayed on now, in spite of myself. In spite of everything I’ve ever held to be true.” Scully is willing to throw her beliefs out the window in order to save Mulder. It’s a major crossroad for her. “I will continue here as long as I can … as long as you are beset by the haunting illness which I saw consume your beautiful mind. What is this discovery I’ve made? How can I reconcile what I see with what I know? I feel this was meant not for me to find but for you… to make sense of — make the connections which can’t be ignored … connections which, for me, deny all logic and reason.” Huh. Has Scully been sitting in on 1013 production meetings? “What is this source of power I hold in my hand — this rubbing — a simple impression taken from the surface of the craft? I watched this rubbing take its undeniable hold on you, saw you succumb to its spiralling effect. Now I must work to uncover what your illness prevents you from finding. In the source of every illness lies its cure.”

A large bug lands on one of the rubbings. Instead of running from the tent screaming, as I would’ve done, Scully gets up to turn down the lamp. I’m going to assume it’s a locust, based on the whole Biblical plague thing they’ve got going on in this episode. As she turns off the lamp, she sees a semi-naked African tribesman in the reflection of the glass. He’s standing behind her, but when she turns around he’s disappeared. Spooky. A lot more bugs have come to join the party. Scully grabs a machete and leaves the tent to investigate. A machete? Dude, Scully. Where’s your gun? Aren’t you more properly equipped to use your fire-arm than a large knife? Scully’s boobs look like they’re going to burst out of her white tank top. I think the reappearance of The Jugs has motivated them to put up a fight. Anyways, she doesn’t see anybody around. She goes back into the tent and there are locusts everywhere. Including some really lame CGI’d ones. As Scully approaches the lamp, the locusts swarm and she starts waving her arms and screaming. The lamp falls to the floor.

Old Credits. Did you guys know about paranormal activity and that the government denies knowledge? Just checking.

Georgetown Memorial Hospital. The doctor and Skinner are watching Mulder on the observation monitors. Mulder’s just lying on the floor of a padded room and he’s still got that hospital gown on. No straight jacket, though. That’s a good sign, I guess. Mulder’s apparently had a haircut while in the hospital. The doctor tells Skinner that there’s activity in Mulder’s “temporal lobe” they’ve never seen before. Mulder can’t sleep, his body won’t shut down, etc. Sometimes this causes episodes of aggro, even against himself. The doctor then says that Mulder’s brain is going to die. Skinner does not look happy. A few minutes later, Skinner visits Mulder in his padded cell. “Agent Mulder, can you hear me? Do you know who I am?” Mulder just sits and drools. “It’s Skinner, Walter Skinner. The Skinman. Skinbone. The Skinster. Any of those ringing a bell?” Heh. At this, Mulder leaps up and starts choking Skinner. The doctor starts freaking out. Mulder then slams Skinner to the ground. Skinner tells Mulder that he doesn’t want to hurt him. Skinner’s nose is bleeding. Mulder’s all sweaty and grunting. The hospital staff pry Mulder off of Skinner and throw him against the wall. I think I saw a porno like this once. As Skinner leaves the cell, Mulder starts screaming. Mulder can scream, but he can’t talk? Ok, whatever. I think Mulder might need that straight jacket, yo. Out in the hall, Skinner takes off his glasses to wipe them or something. Maybe Mulder dripped sweat on them. He notices that his shirt pocket is ripped. He pulls out a small, torn piece of hospital gown with “Help Me” witten in blood. I think it’s written in blood. I doubt the staff have given Mulder a pen. That’s a big No-No in psych wards. Couldn’t Mulder have just handed Skinner that piece of hospital gown? Did he really need to attack him to get that message across?

Ivory Coast. An African woman arrives in a jeep and after some conversation with her driver as he points to Scully’s tent, she gets out and runs towards the tent. She’s really tall. And pretty. As she enters the tent, she looks around at all the dead locusts. “My God. What happened here?” Scully’s packing clothes or something in her duffel bag. Her hair is wet and she probably just had a shower. She turns around and stares at the pretty African lady. Scully’s body language is screaming Eyebrow. The African lady is all, “I’ve been told that you speaka of the English. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” Scully snootily spits “What do you want?” Now there’s no need for rudeness, Miss Scully. Sometimes I wonder about Scully’s intuition. She’ll gladly go to an upstairs bedroom with a creepy Amish genderbending freak but she’s rude and mistrusting of the pretty African lady who’s giving off harmless vibes. Instead of reminding Scully of her manners, she apologizes, introduces herself as Amina Ngebe and tells her that she’s come to see Scully’s discovery. “I asked that no one be told about it … nor that I’m here,” Scully snits. I’m pretty sure you’re trackable Scully. There’s airline records, your passport, etc. Even that chip in your neck is probably a tracking device. Anyways, Amina assures Scully that it is still a secret but it’s well-known among the locals thanks to “the African internet”[/Dr. Merkmallen]. Amina tells Scully that she worked with Dr. Merkmallen at the University and she’s a biologist too. Scully tells her about the semi-naked vanishing tribesman and the locust. Amina tells Scully not to tell the men who are helping her because they’re animists who’d believe that it was a sign from God to stop working on the spacecraft. As if on cue, one of the men out in the water starts screaming for help. Amina and Scully run out to the beach. The guy is covered in boils and it’s really gross. He’s taken away to the hospital. Amina tells Scully that it was another warning. Scully looks disturbed.

GMH. Skinner sneaks into Mulder’s hospital room. He’s now in restraints. “Agent Mulder, I want to help you. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have much time.” Mulder taps the bed with his right hand, his index and middle finger bound together with some string. Skinner asks Mulder if he can write and Mulder nods. Skinner gives Mulder a pen (Oh no!) and holds out his hand for Mulder to write on. Mulder writes out “KR…”

Ivory Coast. It’s now nighttime and Scully’s lying in her cot, staring up at the ceiling. Amina is sleeping next to her. Not like that, you pervs! Amina’s got her own cot. Scully’s v.o. journal entry is going strong. “I feel you slipping away from me with every minute I fail here. What are the elusive meanings I cannot see that are hidden here? If I could understand it, know how it affected you, learn how to use its power to save you. And to save my reproductive organs so that we may be able to have a miraculous love child.” I notice that the dead bugs are still everywhere. Why haven’t they cleaned them out? That should’ve been priority #1, as far as I’m concerned. A jeep pulls up outside, with its high beams on. Scully grabs her trusty machete. Seriously, Scully? Where’s your freaking gun? Sigh. Why am I letting this bother me? Moving on. Scully approaches the jeep and asks the driver what’s what. The driver, let’s call him Mufasa, starts rambling in Swahili, I think, and takes out this enormous flashlight, classic X-Files style. He tries to get Scully to walk over to the water with him. Scully’s like, “I don’t speak African.” Then somebody interrupts, “Perhaps you need an interpreter.” Ah, look kids. It’s Creepy Dr. Barnes. Except he’s a little less creepy and a lot more unhinged. He’s Crazy Dr. Barnes. Scully looks kind ofscared, as one would, and raises the ole machete at CDB. “Are you going to hack me up in front of my driver? Word is you’re under suspicion already.” Suspicion of what? Extremely long journal entries? Leaving her gun home in Washington? Abandoning Mulder to Diana’s jugs? Scully tells Amina that CDB killed Dr. Merkmallen. CDB denies this. He tells them that he knows how important this discovery is because of its “extraterrestrial origins.” Scully tells him that he doesn’t even believe in that crap. “Nor do you,” CDB says. How does he know what Scully does or does not believe? He doesn’t even know her. CDB tells them that he can help them interpret the writings. At this, Mufasa starts calling them over to the water, which has turned into blood. Aren’t these plagues a little out of order? You’d think God or the aliens would know that the water-turning-into-blood came first. Ahead of locusts and boils. But, whatever. Chris Carter wrote this, so I really shouldn’t be expecting the plot line to move forward in a logical manner. Scully spots the semi-naked tribesman again, standing on a cliff. Let’s call him Rafiki. He then disappears. Spooooooooky.

G Street, Washington. This is a crappy section of DC, yo. Skinner’s walking through a run-down apartment complex and he’s got “Kritschgau” written on his hand. With all the abnormal brain function going on in Mulder’s head, it’s good to know that he can still spell a name like that correctly. Especially since the person is someone he hasn’t seen or spoken to in two years. Skinner knocks on KR’s door. KR opens it and is like, “Dude. It’s 6am.” If someone knocked on my door at 6am, I wouldn’t even have answered it. But judging by the time it took for KR to open the door, I’d say he was already up. Skinner tells KR that Mulder’s in “serious condition” and he wants to talk to KR. KR’s like, “No.” He starts to shut the door, but Skinner slams his foot into it. KR starts bitching, “You know, I had a job … with a government pension coming and two years ago, Fox Mulder asked me to do him a favor — blow the whistle on Uncle Sam’s UFO propaganda mill. And all it got me was this swanky address.” Dude, worse things could’ve happened to you. At least you didn’t have to undergo the Crispification that Spender did. ["Yeah, but now Spender's finger lickin' good! Going to hell now. Quit blocking the gate, Fowley!" - raceguy] Skinner says that Mulder doesn’t have much time. KR tells Skinner that he ain’t no doctor. I personally don’t get how, through Skinner’s words, he would immediately jump to the conclusion that Mulder’s situation was medical. He could’ve been in prison or something, waiting to be sentenced to death after sitting through a fake trial put on by the army and his FORMER employer.

GMH. Mulder’s still in his bed, restrained and doped up. He’s basically just lying there and drooling. There’s a monitor in the room, tracking Mulder’s brain activity. KR wants to know if Mulder recognizes him but Skinner’s got no idea. As Skinner speaks to Mulder, the monitor registers activity but Mulder doesn’t move at all. Skinner and KR chat about the treatment Mulder’s being given. KR starts to ask something, and Mulder’s brain monitor buzzes before he can finish the question. Same thing happens again. KR tells Skinner that Mulder anticipated the questions. Skinner tells KR that Mulder “claimed to be hearing voices.”

Some time later, Skinner and KR wheel Mulder into a med room. Skinner doesn’t want to be held responsible for anything happening to Mulder. KR’s like, “You’re the one who came for me, so you better be ready to handle the responsibility in case this all goes horribly wrong.” KR grabs a syringe and informs Skinner that he will be injecting Mulder with Phenytoin. Skinner is not pleased by this turn of events. Skinner thinks they should consult the doctors first. KR thinks Skinner’s being a pussy. Mulder? Still sitting and drooling. KR tells Skinner that he’s seen this before in a study done by “the CIA” of an ESP-like condition called “remote viewing.” Skinner then injects Mulder with the syringe, which was really full. Mulder closes his eyes and swallows, becoming more aware. In a raspy voice, Mulder tells Skinner and KR that “they’re coming.”

Out in the hallway, Diana and the Jugs are berating the nurse for not noticing that Mulder was AWOL. Diana is pissed, blah blah. Diana and the nurse walk into Mulder’s hospital room, to find Mulder in bed and Skinner standing next to him. Skinner tells them that he found Mulder down the hall. Diana looks suspicious. Skinner orders Diana out of the room, after reminding her that he’s her boss. I assist Skinner by kicking Diana out of the room with my steel-toed boot. Once she’s gone, Mulder tells Skinner that “she knows.” Skinner’s shocked that he can read Diana’s mind. Skinner wills himself to not think about his late night Male Connection Hotline phone calls. Mulder tells Skinner that they need to act fast. Skinner wants to get the doctor. “No doctors. Get me Scully.” Yes! He needs the one person that without which he cannot live without which with! Take a note here recap readers: Mulder asks for Scully. ["Scully, not Fowley. Not Fowley at all." - raceguy] Skinner tells Mulder that he has no idea where she is. “Look … I know you’ve been compromised. I know Krycek is threatening your life … Blackmailing you. You don’t think I can trust you but it’s not you that I need.” Mulder tells Skinner that he needs KR to prove that what’s causing his condition is alien. KR looks like he thinks Mulder really does belong in the psych ward.

Ivory Coast. Scully’s in her tent, putting her rubbings together on the floor like a puzzle. This makes me wonder how long Scully’s been in Africa. It sure would take a while to get all those rubbings. Scully’s journal v.o. is in full effect: “The work here is painstaking — a slow and tedious piecing together. It appears to be a craft, its skin covered in the intricate symbols you and I both saw but which I now understand are part of a complex communication. [CDB] has broken some of the symbols into letters using an ancient Navajo alphabet and, though it has helped to uncover some of what’s here, it has also made for greater confusion.” Led to greater confusion? Like Seasons 8 &9, perhaps? “On the top surface of the craft I’m finding words describing human genetics.” Scully translates some symbols into four nucleotides: CYTOSINE, GUANINE, ADEMINE and THYMINE. Either Scully or the aliens spelled that wrong, because it’s AdeNine. You know what? I’m just going to blame Chris Carter. “Efforts to read the bottom of the craft have been harder.” Darn! I bet the bottom had all the cheat codes for the new Zelda game! ["Or what William is, where he came from, and why he's important to the mythology." - raceguy] “Our workers were scared away by phenomena I admit I can’t explain — a sea of blood, a swarm of insects. But what little we have found has been staggering — passages from the Christian Bible,” Is there a Bible that’s not Christian? “from pagan religions, from Ancient Sumeria … science and mysticism conjoined. But more than words, they are somehow imbued with power. I’ve ignored warnings to quit this work, remaining committed to finding answers, afraid only that our secret here won’t last and that I might be too late.” Outside the tent, Amina gives CDB the stank-eye before running into the tent with some papers. She joins Scully on the floor with some rubbings she had translated. They’re from the Koran, foretelling the “day of final judgment.” Scully tells Amina that she discovered the 24 pairs of chromosomes, ["Again with the sciency nitpicking, aren't there only 23 pairs?" - raceguy] “a complete human genome. I mean, it’s like … it’s the most beautiful, intricate work of art.” Scully is in awe, yo. Amina thinks that it’s God’s Word. At this, CDB enters the tent and puts a sack underneath a table. He starts yapping that there is no God, only aliens. “What’s out there on the water … is only what we call “God” … What we call “creation” — the spark that ignited the fire that cooked the old primordial soup.” Mmmm. Primordial soup. I had some for dinner last night. And it was good. ["You've GOT to give me the recipe. Mine turns out tasting like a mix between shaving cream and mouthwash." - raceguy] Amina thinks that CDB’s gone mad from the sun. CDB says that he’s “perfecty sane.” I beg to differ. And his lips are really white. They’re freaking me out. Scully thinks CDB needs to lie down and rest. CDB grabs Scully’s machete. See, Scully?! See?! GET YOUR GUN, WOMAN! CDB’s all “You think you’re going to take the credit? This is my discovery.” Scully tells him that “I’m only here to help my friend. Well, I guess you could call him that. I mean, of course he is my friend. He’s my best friend. But that word doesn’t really come close to describing our relationship. I really have no idea how to describe it. I mean, I like him. Actually, I might be in love with him. Which is why I’m over here suffering in this African heat, living in a freaking tent with dead bugs and a crazy biologist. Plus, I’m having these visions of a half-naked shaman who keeps disappearing. I guess I should be thankful that he’s at least partially covered because I don’t think I could handle that right now. But anyways, I couldn’t care less about winning the D.C. Science Fair. I just want to find a way to save my parter/best friend/future lover from dying.” I added that last part. CDB takes the machete and stands guard at the tent entrance, telling them that nobody’s gonna leave the tent before he does. Scully and Amina look kindof nervous.

GMH. Skinner and KR have set up some small computer/TV monitors at the foot of Mulder’s bed. On the monitors, several pictures zoom by. Including one of a UFO. KR explains to Mulder that this is “like a card trick. You tap the monitor where the saucer image appears when it appears or when you think it does.” Mulder attempts to make a joke. “Who ya gonna call?” Oh, dear. Are there ghosts in the room? Is Mulder seeing Walk Ins? That was one lame joke, my friend. I hope Scully’s working on that cure. Mulder’s first attempt at tapping the monitors when the UFO pops up isn’t so good. “But I see them in my head.” Skinner wants to try it again, but faster this time. KR puts it at full speed and Mulder begins tapping the monitors so fast, he’s tapping before the UFO even appears on screen. KR is amazed.

Ivory Coast. CDB has finally fallen asleep. But then that sack under the table starts moving and he wakes up. It was filled with dead fish and now they’re alive. As he’s picking up the fish and basically celebrating the fact that the ship brought them back to life, Scully takes a chair and bashes CDB in the head. Again, Scully. A gun would’ve been useful in this type of situation. Scully and Amina run for the jeep and take off. They’re going for the police. While driving, Scully sees Rafiki in the road and yells for Amina to stop. Once they’ve stopped, Rafiki has disappeared again. Don’t you hate it when that happens? Scully looks around and suddenly Rafiki is sitting where Amina was. “Some truths are not for you,” he says. He reaches out and touches Scully’s forehead, just over the spot where her cancerous tumor once dwelt. Scully goes kind of rigid and suddenly it’s Amina tapping Scully. Scully jumps, visibly shaken. Duuude, was Scully just cured there? Of her infertility? I mean, Rafiki is clearly a spirit guide. Just like Hosteen. Whoops, that comes later. Anyways, moving on. Amina tells Scully that it’s a sign to give up. Scully wants to go back. Amina doesn’t want to go back to the beach. Scully tells her that she’s going home. But how does she get those rubbings? She’s got all those rubbings down in the X-File office, as we saw in Provenance. She doesn’t go back to the beach to retrieve them? Continuity is a harsh mistress. Ok, well maybe Amina mailed them to her.

GMH. Mulder’s gone back to the drooling and blank stares. Skinner and KR are attempting to break him out of the ward. They bicker about KR’s intentions. KR wants to pump Mulder full of Phenytoin again. Skinner doesn’t think that’s a good idea and says that this has gone too far. KR asks “How far should it go?! How far would Mulder go?!” Well, he’d drill holes in his head. So I’d say pretty far. Then Diana and the Jugs appear in the room with the doctor. She’s demanding to know what’s going on. She tells KR to back away. She spots the syringe and the Phenytoin. Skinner tries to explain what’s what, but nobody’s paying attention to him. Diana orders KR to stand against the wall. The doctor wants to know how much Phenytoin Mulder was given, and then Mulder goes into seizure. They all hold on to him.

Ivory Coast. Mufasa comes to tell CDB that the jeep was taken. Then CDB kills him with Scully’s trusty machete. Why? Who knows? He’s crazy. At least he apologized beforehand.

Diana’s Bedside Confessional. She tells Mulder that she knows what’s happening to him. “I’ve been sitting back and watching.” Yeah, that’s right. Sitting around and doing nothing. And where’s Scully? On the other side of the world DOING SOMETHING. Diana tells Mulder that she knows he can read her mind, that he knows she has loyalties to CSM but she has her reasons. What are those reasons? We’ll never know. Then she tells Mulder that she loves him and she won’t let him die. That he doesn’t have to prove the alien stuff, he needs to let go. “Now we can be together.” She tells him to give up his quest and settle down with her, basically. She kisses his head and walks away. Blech. Mulder turns his head and watches her leave.

FBI. Scully’s back and the Jugs better run! She looks a tad disheveled. Hee. Everyone in the hallway stares at her funny. I don’t think any of them have seen Agent Scully looking so out of sorts. Scully walks right past Arlene and into Skinner’s office. Scully demands to know where Mulder is and wants to know if he’s still at GMH. Skinner tells her that she can’t get to Mulder. Scully has been on a plane for 22 hours! She’s tired and hungry and desperate to see Mulder! Skinner tells her that he takes full responsibility for screwing with Mulder but he doesn’t actually come out and say what he did. He only tells her that he got KR involved. Skinner then tells Scully that the doctors said that Mulder was dying. “He’s not dying. He’s more alive than he’s ever been. He’s more alive than his body can withstand and what’s causing it may be extraterrestrial in origin,” Scully whispers. Skinner tells her that there’s nothing they can do about it. Scully has no response to this. Skinner tells her that she won’t be allowed to see Mulder. “Maybe as his partner … but not as his doctor.” Scully then walks out, leaving a trail of giant eyebrows behind.

Ivory Coast. CDB’s working on some papers when he hears a rumbling noise. Mufasa’s corpse is missing from the tent. CDB is amazed and runs around all “He’s alive!” He takes a lamp and goes to look outside. There’s footprints out to the water. He starts to follow them but then turns to see Zombie!Mufasa wielding Scully’s machete. Goodbye, CDB.

GMH. Mulder’s lying in bed. He can hear multiple voices overlapping one another in the hallway. In a second or two, one voice above all the others comes through loud and clear. “Please. I need to see him. I’m begging you, please,” Scully tells the doctor. Scully walks in Mulder’s room and stands over his bed. She looks rough, yo. “Mulder, it’s me. I know that you can hear me. If you can just give me some sign.” Mulder doesn’t give her a sign. Even though a few minutes ago he could turn his head and watch the Jugs walk out the door. “I want you to know where I’ve been … what I found. I think that, if you know, that you could find a way to hold on. I need you to hold on. I found a key … the key … to every question that has ever been asked. It’s a puzzle … but the pieces are there for us to put together and I know that they can save you if you can just hold on.” Scully holds his hand and cries. “Mulder … please. Hold on.” Mulder can read her mind, yo. Inside Scully’s head: “I love you, Mulder. I can’t live without you. Why can’t anything go right for us? When are we gonna cut through all this crap and get it on? I think an African shaman healed my reproductive organs. So, we should talk about that later. Maybe over a candlelit dinner and some red wine. Oh, Diana and her jugs better not have been hanging around here the entire time I was gone.”

I find the difference between Diana’s bedside conversation and Scully’s really interesting. Mulder could read both their minds and their feelings. Diana is only interested in her own agenda and wants Mulder to give up. She has also betrayed him, probably over a very long period of time. She does tell Mulder outright that she loves him, but it’s selfish and manipulative. Scully is purely unselfish and no amount of dishonesty can be found in her. She wants Mulder to hold on because she has found the truth that they’ve been searching for. Scully does indeed love Mulder, but she doesn’t have to say it. Moving on…

Ivory Coast. Amina arrives at the beach with the police. They find CDB’s dead body. Amina looks out to the water and the spacecraft is gone. Dun dun DUN!

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Recap by Bolissa

Recap by Bolissa

So, a couple weeks ago I decided to pop in my X-Files DVDs and watch the whole series. Or at least all the episodes I can sit through without becoming bored or infuriated. So, I get to the Season 6 finale Biogenesis and I instantly remember watching it for the first time, back in 1999 at the age of 17. That Sunday night I watched it with my mom upstairs in my parents’ bedroom. When the episode ended, my mom said “Wow.” The first time I watched the Biogenesis and Sixth Extinction episodes, I remember thinking that the whole idea of the Navajo writings on the alien spacecraft, and how Mulder and Scully are tied together by fate was a really amazing turn for the series. It appeared as though the mytharc was going to go someplace really cool. And then we all know what happened after that. But let’s try not to go down that road because I’ve managed to bury a lot of the bitterness and anger. So remember all that hullabaloo about Mulder’s Mysterious Brain Disease? Well, let’s take a trip down memory lane and find out where it all started.

Ok, so here we go!

Chris Carter penned this episode, so it really shouldn’t shock anyone that it starts off with Scully doing a voice over about life. So is she talking to herself or what? I don’t know. Maybe she’s writing in a journal. Since this is part of a 3-episode arc, maybe this V.O. is Scully writing in her journal while in Africa. But I’m getting ahead of myself. We haven’t gotten to that part yet. “From Space, it seems an abstraction — a magician’s trick on a darkened stage. And from this distance one might never imagine that it is alive. It first appeared in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-celled life. In an explosion of life spanning millions of years, nature’s first multicellular organisms began to multiply… and then it stopped. 440 million years ago, a great mass extinction would kill off nearly every species on the planet leaving the vast oceans decimated and empty. Slowly, plants began to evolve, then insects, only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the Earth. The cycle repeated again and again. Reptiles emerging, independent of the sea only to be killed off. Then dinosaurs, struggling to life along with the first birds, fish, and flowering plants — their decimations Earth’s fourth and fifth great extinctions. Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear — man. From cave paintings to the Bible to Columbus and Apollo 11, we have been a tireless force upon the earth and off, cataloguing the natural world as it unfolds to us. Rising to a world population of over five billion people all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain, is what or who ignited that original spark. Is there a plan, a purpose or a reason to our existence? Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion, into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already in progress?” While Scully blah blahs about science and life and whatnot, we’re treated to lots of scenes of earthy stuff. Just take scenes from that Planet Earth series on The Discovery Channel and insert here. We then are transported to a beach where some Africans spot an artifact in the sand and start yelling in Swahili. Or at least I think they’re speaking Swahili. I can’t think of any other African languages right now. ["It's the Ivory Coast, so I think... some form of French?" - raceguy] Anyways, they seem pretty freaked out. While this freak out commences, Scully continues talking to herself. Or writing in her journal. Whatever. “Or will the mystery be revealed through a sign, a symbol, a revelation?”

Old Credits. Like balm for my scars.

Ivory Coast, West Africa. Dr. Merkmallen finds another artifact in the sand. Once he’s in his office at the University, the two pieces connect like magnets and fly across the room. Since there aren’t any AlienMiracleBabies around, it jams itself into a Bible. Dr. Merkmallen seems pretty shocked, as one would, and removes the artifact. It starts spinning on the desk but then he wraps it in cloth. As he gets on the phone, the camera pans down to show us that the Bible is opened up to Genesis 1:28, a verse explaining God’s purpose for the earth. Interesting.

Three days later, Merkmallen has landed in D.C. and arrives at American University. He asks some students where can he find Dr. Sandoz. At some lab in the Biology department, Merkmallen is greeted by “Dr. Sandoz”, an older guy wearing a white lab coat and he immediately creeps me out. I don’t know why. He’s just creepy. He also seems to be giving Merkmallen the skeeves, too. They sit down at a table and discuss the artifacts. Then a whole lot of monkeys in cages start freaking out. Maybe they thought Michael Jackson walked in the room. Or it could have something to do with Merkmallen’s mysterious artifact or maybe “Dr. Sandoz” was creeping them out, too. It’s hard to say. Creepy “Dr. Sandoz” takes this as his cue to kill Merkmallen. Aww, we hardly got to know you. Oh well. Will the real Dr. Sandoz please stand up? Ok, here he is. He’s bald and short and wearing a bowtie. He pretty much looks like he belongs in the Biology department. He finds Merkmallen’s bloody body on the floor in the lab and the Creepy Dr. NotSandoz is gone. Dun dun DUN!

Skinman’s Office. He’s giving Mulder and Scully the assignment of finding out who murdered Merkmallen. It’s assumed he was murdered because of all the blood at the scene, but the body was missing. Not really an obvious X-File, but Skinner says that Mulder is familiar with Merkmallen’s work. Mulder comments that both Merkmallen and Sandoz believed in “Panspermia,” that life on earth originated elsewhere. Skinner wants Scully’s opinion. Scully agrees that many scientists believe that “microbes” from other planets landed in our atmosphere and flourished but it’s only a theory. Scully wants to know what this has to do with his death. Skinner tells them that Merkmallen found an artifact and shows her a rubbing of it. Merkmallen believed that the writings contained the answer to human existence. Scully shoots Skinner an eyebrow. For those of you who enjoy X-Files drinking games, there’s your first eyebrow out of many in this episode. Enjoy. Anyways, Mulder points out that Dr. Sandoz contributed to “a science journal” that he also found an artifact with similar writings. Scully gives a classic eyeroll. Ah, Season 6 Scully. How I’ve missed you. Scully thinks they should ask Dr. Sandoz some questions but he’s missing.

As Mulder and Scully get on the elevator, Scully tells him that she doesn’t think this case warrants their attention. Mulder claims that he’s just “a hired gun for the FBI.” How ironic. Right about now, I’m pretty sure the FBI has hired guns looking for Mulder. Scully sarcastically wonders why two men who claim we’re all martians could “come into foul play.” As a whole lot of people fill up the elevator, Mulder and Scully move to the back. Scully tries to have a heart-to-heart with Mulder, but he starts hearing a loud ringing noise and lots of indistinct voices. He looks around the elevator, wondering where it’s coming from as Scully continues to talk. He can’t really hear her until everyone else gets off the elevator and they’re alone again. Scully’s in mid-rant, telling him that this endless pursuit of the truth doesn’t make sense anymore. Word, Scully. Word. Mulder stares at her blankly and Scully assumes that this is just another case of Mulder not wanting to listen to what people are telling him. As they get off the elevator, Scully tells him that he won. He uncovered the truth behind the Syndicate’s conspiracy and they’re all dead now, so what else does he hope to find. “My sister,” he says. Don’t even go there.

American University. Mulder and Scully check out the crime scene. Creepy Dr. NotSandoz is talking to Mulder about his crazy colleague Sandoz, and we learn that he’s actually Creepy Dr. Barnes. When Scully shows Creepy Dr. Barnes the rubbing, the ringing noise starts up again in Mulder’s head and he leaves the lab. Creepy Dr. Barnes, let’s just call him CDB, tells Scully that Sandoz believes that the artifacts are from aliens. Scully gives him an eyebrow. Out in the hall, Mulder’s splashing water on his face. He tells Scully that he hears a hollow noise and she checks to see if he’s got a fever. Mulder tells her that it may sound weird, but he thinks the rubbing is causing it. Scully’s not that shocked. She’s clearly heard crazier things from him. ["So, there's this two-headed, peanut-butter-sandwich-eating serial rapist with a Cher fetish..." - raceguy]

She tells him that it’s just a piece of paper.

LBO. Chuck Burks is in da house! Scully and Chuck are rocking the projection screen. Chuck thinks this whole thing is fascinating and he’s amazed that it’s only happening to Mulder. Yeah, what’s up with that? Scully also has the alien virus in her system. Why didn’t she get the Mysterious Brain Disease? Maybe what Scully tells Moronica in Provenance is true, that she was meant to find that ship. This brings up questions of fate, Mulder and William. Which I guess ties in somehow with Amor Fati. But I’m getting ahead of myself, here. Anyhoo, Chuck and Scully show Mulder some magazine articles about magic squares, CDB de-bunking Sandoz’ beliefs and uncovering religious and scientific fraud. Mulder thinks that proves that CDB would want to hide what he couldn’t disprove. Scully asks Mulder why there would be a real Native American artifact in Africa. Mulder tells her that a Mars rock was found in Antarctica. Scully’s like, “Duh. It was from outer space.” Mulder raises his arms in victory. Heh. Chuck wonders why would someone produce a fraud with Navajo writing in Africa. Which makes sense. If they really wanted people to believe it wasn’t fake, why not claim to find it in Arizona or New Mexico? As Chuck places the rubbing on the projector, the ringing noise starts in Mulder’s head again. He doubles over, holding his head and Scully takes him out to the hallway and the noise goes away. Scully wants Mulder to get an imaging scan. Mulder refuses, telling Scully he’s fine. Scully thinks Mulder should at least go home to bed. “Only if you’re coming too.” Not really. Mulder refuses to go to bed. Mulder thinks he knows what’s causing the problem. And he also knows that CDB killed Merkmallen. Scully’s like, “We can’t arrest him based on what the voices in your head are saying.” Mulder tells her that he’s going to show her where CDB stashed the body.

Casa de Sandoz. The Landlord, a bald version of Ian Holm, lets Mulder and Scully into the apartment. He seems really put out by it. Mulder finds Sandoz’ luggage and comments on his frequent trips to New Mexico. Scully points out the picture of Sandoz with Albert Hosteen. Mulder figures that Hosteen was helping Sandoz translate the artifacts. “Or write them,” Scully says. Mulder has no response to this. Scully wants to know where the body is. They walk into the kitchen. “Scully, you packing any latex?”, Mulder asks. Scully shoots an eyebrow. “No, Mulder. I don’t think now’s the appropriate time. We’re working on an assignment. And besides, I’ve got no ova so there’s really no need for the latex.” Famous last words. Anyhoo, Mulder comments that the garbage is stinking up the joint and he grabs a dish towel to open the trash. They’re greeted by the smell of decaying flesh and some flies for good measure. Hello, Dr. Merkmallen.

Skinman’s Office. Mulder tells Skinner that Sandoz is innocent, that CDB killed Merkmallen for the artifact, which is genuine. Scully tells Skinner that certain body parts were taken to hide the evidence of galactic radiation. As Skinner places the rubbing on the desk, the ringing and voices kicks it up a notch inside Mulder’s head. Mulder starts interrogating Skinner about someone else being on the case, that Skinner is hiding something from them. Scully takes Mulder out to the hall and tells him he’s losing it. Which I think is kind of unfair. It’s not like Mulder’s drilling holes in his head. Mulder tells Scully that Skinner’s not telling them the truth, that he’s “hearing people” and he thinks Skinner is spying on them. Scully wants Mulder to see a doctor but Mulder wants to find the artifacts. Scully tells Mulder to go home and she’ll find the artifacts. Skinner is watching them from his office. After they walk away, Skinner collects a tape that’s been recording in his cabinet and slides it across the table to none other than Krycek. Yummy, yummy Krycek. ["Yummy, indeed. He's almost enough to make me jump ship. Add Knowle Rrrrrrrrooooaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr into the equation, and I'd definitely go Brokeback." - raceguy]

Hospital, New Mexico. Scully’s visiting Albert Hosteen but she sees him being wheeled out in the hallway surrounded by medical staff. A nurse approaches Scully in Hosteen’s room after Scully finds another rubbing with a translation on the back, which happens to be Genesis 1:28 again. Scully tells the nurse that she’s here to see Hosteen and wants to know what’s wrong with him. The nurse tells her that she can’t give out that kind of information. Yeah, just ask those New Jersey hospital staff who got suspended after George Clooney’s motorcycle accident. But our Scully won’t take no for an answer and shows the nurse her badge. HIPAA SCHMIPAA, I say. The nurse tells Scully that Hosteen is dying of cancer.

American University. Guess who’s not home in bed? Mulder starts going through CDB’s office looking for the artifact. He hears, I think, CDB coming down the hall and once CDB gets into the office he can tell someone’s been in there. CDB checks out the lab, where Mulder’s hiding with the monkeys. The ringing starts up in Mulder’s head and as he walks down the hall he’s hearing voices again. Mulder crawls up some stairs before collapsing.

Hospital, New Mecixo. As Hosteen returns to his room, Scully spots Sandoz at the door and a chase ensues. The camera goes in for a super close-up of Scully’s face as she’s straining to hear something. Is she starting to hear vocies, too? Oh, it’s just the alarm on the door that Sandoz was trying to go through. Sandoz is caught and Scully wants some answers. Get in line, Scully.

Stairwell of Brain Pain. Mulder’s still rolling around, clutching his head. Here comes Krycek, casually stepping over Mulder’s body as if he wasn’t even there, and walks upstairs. He meets CDB on the roof. I think this is the same exact roof that Billy Miles was thrown off of in Essence. ["Yes, it is." - raceguy] Krycek hands CDB a tape and tells him that they’re “destined to be great friends.” Who exactly is Krycek working for? I mean, we don’t see him again until Requiem, right? ["Here and Amor Fati, then Requiem, yes." - raceguy] For some reason, CSM had him put in prison in Tunisia. Why? Over this Mysterious Brain Disease fiasco? I guess we’ll never know.

Hospital, New Mexico. Sandoz tells Scully his tale of meeting Hosteen and having the artifact translated. Hosteen sensed its “power and importance.” He translated one of Merkmallen’s rubbings, “a passage from the Bible on an artifact that is extraterrestrial.” Scully is one huge eyebrow right now. Sandoz basically says that the Bible came from aliens. Yeah, I really can’t figure out why anyone would want him dead. Sandoz pulls out an artifact and places it on the table. It starts spinning, but Scully grabs it before it can fly through the air at anyone. Couldn’t that artifact have cured Hosteen? Poor guy. I really liked him. Scully calls Mulder at home and The Fowl One answers. Scully asks for Mulder and Diana hands him the phone. Scully asks Mulder where he is. Um, Scully? You called him. At home. But it’s ok, I’m sure hearing Diana Fowley’s voice has thrown your normal brain function off balance a little bit. Scully asks Mulder who answered the phone. Mulder avoids this question and asks Scully where she is. She tells him that she’s with Sandoz in New Mexico and Mulder asks about the artifact. Scully reluctantly tells him about the passage from Genesis. Mulder jumps on this and starts babbling about how we all came from the aliens. Scully refuses to believe that. Well, she sure changed her tune at Mulder’s Fake Trial. Mulder tells Scully to go ahead and prove him wrong. Then he just hangs up on her. Ah, just like old times. Technically, this was old times. Wasn’t it? Can we consider the season finale of Season 6 “old times?” Is everything before Season 8 “old times?” Or is basically everything before XFII: The Movie “old times?” Moving on… Mulder hands the phone to Diana and rolls over trying to sleep. She walks out towards Mulder’s kitchen and makes a phone call. She tells someone that Mulder called her, she found him in “a particular state of distress”, she doesn’t know why but she’s gonna stay there until she finds out. She then takes off her shirt and heads towards Mulder’s bedroom, I’m assuming. And now I’m feeling nauseous. We cut to CSM hanging up the phone as he sits in a meeting with people we’ll never see again, discussing the alien invasion.

Scully’s back to her V.O., journal, whatever. “It began with an act of supreme violence — a big bang expanding ever outward, cosmos born of matter and gas, matter and gas ten billion years ago. Whose idea was this? Who had the audacity for such invention? And the reason? Were we part of that plan ten billion years ago? Are we born only to die? To be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth before giving way to our generations? If there is a beginning, must there be an end? We burn like fires in our time only to be extinguished. To surrender to the elements’ eternal reclaim. Matter and gas… will this all end one day? Life no longer passing to life, the Earth left barren like the stars above, like the cosmos. Will the hand that lit the flame let it burn down? Let it burn out? Could we, too, become extinct? Or if this fire of life living inside us is meant to go on, who decides? Who tends the flames? Can he reignite the spark even as it grows cold and weak?” ["If she doesn't shut up with the anvilicious monologue, I'm gonna blow out the candle myself." - raceguy] While she’s talking, we see Hosteen being brought into a tent for a healing ceremony. Scully tells Sandoz that she doesn’t want to sit in on it because she doesn’t share their beliefs. ["Wait. Didn't she ASK him to visit Melissa back in Paper Clip? And a faith healer to visit Daniel in all things, which she sat in on?" - raceguy] Skinner calls Scully to tell her something bad has happened to Mulder and he’s in the hospital. He tells Scully to get there right away. Scully’s cell phone works in the New Mexican desert? Ok, sure.

Georgetown Memorial Hospital. Skinner’s sitting on a bench or something with his head in his hands, contemplating his life and thinking maybe he should search the personal ads for a blue-eyed ex-cop with some dead son issues who wouldn’t mind relocating to Vermont. ["And who likes pie. Don't forget the Pie." - raceguy] Scully approaches Skinner and is surprised that Mulder’s in the Special Psychiatric Unit. Should she be really surprised, though? I mean, she must’ve thought that there was a likely chance he’d end up there one day. Skinner tells Scully that no one knows what Mulder’s problem is. Skinner says that he knew she’d want to see Mulder and talk to the doctors. Skinner then holds Scully’s hand and she looks as though her heart just fell into her stomach. Scully goes to the observation room, where The Fowl One is watching Mulder on some monitors. He’s wearing a hospital gown and basically acting crazy: holding his head, mumbling indistinctly, etc. Diana thanks Scully for coming and tells her that Mulder was asking for her last night. Yeah, I bet he was. As soon as he saw Diana’s jugs in his face, he probably started screaming for Scully and then Diana had to take him to the hospital. ["Psych ward, no less." - raceguy] The doctor walks in and tells them they can’t be there. Scully wants to know what’s wrong with Mulder. As soon as Scully says his name, Mulder starts screaming at the camera. I think he knows his Scully’s there, ya’ll. The doctor has no idea what’s wrong with Mulder and they have no idea how to treat him. Mulder has extremely abnormal brain function but he hasn’t had a stroke and they’re waiting to run more tests. Scully wants to know what they’re waiting for. The doctor tells Scully that Mulder’s extremely violent and that they’ve given him so much drugs that he should be in a “barbituate coma,” but there’s brain activity they’ve never seen before. Scully wants to talk to Mulder but the doctor tells her that he’s dangerous. “Not to me,” she says. Diana wants to speak to Scully privately. “About what?” Scully spits. Then there’s this Look of Death face-off between them. Hee! Skinner gets them into the hall. As Skinner opens the door, Mulder screams “SCULLY!” into the camera and directly at her. He knows she’s there! He needs her! Even when he’s whacked out on drugs and aliens have taken over his brain, he needs the one person that without which he cannot live without!

Hallway Showdown. Diana asks Scully when did Mulder start getting sick. Scully tells her that it was when Skinner gave them this case. Diana wants to know the nature of the case and Scully tells her that it’s a murder investigation. Diana wants to know who was murdered and then Skinner butts in and says that the case has nothing to do with Mulder’s condition. Diana trusts Scully’s judgement. Well, at least there’s one positive thing about Diana. Diana wants to help, based on her background into the paranormal blah psychiatric wards blee, and her work on the X-Files. Skinner once again butts in and says that the X-File is a fraud, Scully has proof of a scholar de-bunking it. Basically, the conversation in the LBO between Scully, Mulder and Chuck. Scully eyeballs Skinner and he makes a “Busted!” face. “I never sent you that report,” she tells him. Skinner ignores this and tells Diana that the case is being resolved. Diana’s all, “Not as far as Agent Mulder’s concerned.” Diana then asks Scully that if she knows what’s happening, why she won’t tell her. Why? Because Scully doesn’t trust you Diana. At all. And she knows who you’re really working for. She may not be able to prove it, but she knows. Scully wants to get down to business, however, and asks Diana why she was with Mulder last night. Oooh, Mulder’s in trouble when he gets out of the hospital. ["You heard the lady, Mulder. Scully's gonna go all dominatrix on yo' ass. Why couldn't that have been a DVD extra? And why couldn't Krycek show up in that episode?" - raceguy] Diana tells Scully that Mulder called her, she found him in the Stairwell of Brain Pain and he could barely speak. But he did manage to get out that the only one who would believe him about an artifact was Diana. God, I hate her. Sure, I can buy that Mulder called her since Scully was in New Mexico and all. But he did not say that Diana was the only one who’d believe him. I mean, Scully’s his one in 5 billion. And I’d bet my life on the fact that if Scully had been in the D.C. area, he would’ve called her. Scully rightfully calls Diana a liar and turns to leave. Skinner grabs her arm she says that they’re both liars. Scully gives them one giant eyebrow before walking away. ["And anotherrr *hic* thinnng!" - raceguy]

New Mexico. Hosteen’s healing ceremony is still going strong. Sandoz looks as though he’s had a revelation and walks out of the tent.

LBO. Scully starts searching the office for a camera. Isn’t this something they should’ve been doing, like, every week since they started working together? Scully notices the smoke alarm on the ceiling and she stands on a chair to check it out. There’s definitely a camera in there. But before she can discover it, her phone starts ringing. Foiled! It’s Sandoz. She warns him that the line may not be secure but he doesn’t care. He tells her that the random letters that Hosteen was trying to translate on the other artifact are gene clusters. Sandoz then notices the horses freaking out and then Scully hears a gunshot. Sandoz is dead, ya’ll. Killed by Krycek. What is he up to? I don’t think he’s working for CSM. I mean, he saw Mulder in the Stairwell of Brain Pain. But based on Diana’s phone call to CSM, that was the first he heard of Mulder’s condition. Right? Unless it was really Krycek who called Diana. Does that even make any sense? Am I thinking too much about this? ["Yes." - raceguy] I should just be happy that Krycek is alive.

Ivory Coast, West Africa, 36 hours later. Scully’s on the beach wearing a really nice beige dress. The Africans lead Scully to the water where she finds an alien spacecraft. I guess Scully has finally gotten the solid proof she needed. I mean, I can’t really see her trying to deny this. Now Scully is equipped to become the “believer” to Doggett’s “skeptic.” But let’s not speak of such things. Happy thoughts, people. Happy thoughts.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

---

Recap by Bolissa

Recap by Namarie

Okay, first of all, I’m extremely excited to be recapping this episode of The X-Files, since it is one of my favorites. Second of all, I want to let you all know that I was wounded in the line of duty for this recap. On the way home from work the other day, I was thinking about how I would do this recap as I walked, and I missed the edge of the curb and tripped into the (thankfully empty) street. This probably also has something to do with me being severely sleep-deprived, but anyway.

We open with a young couple who are returning from a hiking trip. As soon as they get inside the cabin, the wife begins complaining about mosquito bites, and blisters from her new boots. She tells her husband that he was hiking too fast for her, and “for future reference, me running through the woods after you for an entire day is not my idea of a good time.” Then abruptly she rubs her temples, clearly having a headache. Her husband, I am pleased to say, does not start talking about how much of a spoilsport or whiner she is, but simply apologizes and says she can hit him on the head with a rock if she wants, to make her headache feel better. She smiles, and says she’s going to take a shower. Uh oh. Showers on this show hardly ever end well.

As the wife is taking her shower, in fact, Mark Snow’s quiet Strings of Impending Doom begin to play. Suddenly we see from her perspective that the shower walls are covered in yellow goo. Just as suddenly, everything is back to normal. The wife looks understandably freaked out. Then abruptly the music crescendos and we flash to her underground, covered in that same yellow goo, screaming, and after it goes back to normal she looks even more freaked out.

Next scene. The wife is in her bathrobe, sitting on the edge of the bed. She still has the headache and is rubbing her temples. Her husband asks if she’s still mad at him, which she denies. They lie down facing each other, touching each other on the side, as the husband promises that they’ll never go hiking again – it’s “indoors forever from now on.” Then he asks what’s wrong, and his wife tells him to just hold her. It’s very sweet. (Actually, they’re in almost the exact position Mulder & Scully are in at the end of “The Truth,” which probably has no deeper significance.) Slowly, the scene changes to two skeletons lying in a field, in that exact same position. Um, much less sweet. Credits.

FBI headquarters, basement office. The image of the two embracing skeletons is on the slideshow that Mulder is showing Scully, on a map of South Carolina. Mulder moves the projector so it’s now projecting onto the blank wall, and fills Scully in that these two skeletons belong to Angela and Wallace Schiff, a young married couple that were last scene hiking in the vicinity of Brown Mountain, North Carolina (so what was up with the map being of South Carolina? Did I miss some joke here?). The catch is, Mulder informs us, that they were found in this condition after only being missing three days, in temperatures that never got over 70 degrees.

Scully exposits that this rules out decomposition, and then also rules out predation, based on the fact that the skeletons are still intact. “Not to mention that these skeletons are not wearing any clothes,” Mulder points out, surprisingly without any accompanying eyebrow-waggling.

Scully acknowledges that input and then gives her opinion (remember this, because it will be Important Later!!): “Well, I’d say it looks like a double murder, possibly one with ritualistic overtones. The bodies may have been stripped, then skeletonized, possibly by boiling or by the use of some kind of acid solution. Maybe the arrangement of the bodies has some meaning for the killer or killers. But at any rate, I’d term it ritualistic.”

Raining on Scully’s plausible-sounding-explanation parade, Mulder points out that there were no tire tracks, footprints, or any other signs that such a huge operation would have likely left. Scully then asks what Mulder’s theory is. You think she would’ve learned by now.

Mulder is surprised (you’d think he’d have learned by now) that the location – Brown Mountain – doesn’t ring any bells for Scully. He goes on to tell her the story of the Brown Mountain lights, an atmospheric phenomenon that dates back almost 700 years, where strange multicolored lights are seen to dance above the peak of the mountain. There has not, of course, been any geologic or scientific explanation for the phenomenon. Scully wants to know what the connection is to their case. Mulder says that even if there hasn’t been a scientific explanation for the lights, “there are those of us who believe these strange multicolored lights are really…”

“UFOs,” Scully finishes for him. He smiles wryly and nods. Scully snarks that these extraterrestrial visitors apparently have nothing better to do than buzz the same mountain over and over for 700 years. At this, Mulder bites his lip and replies sadly, “Sounds like crap when you say it.” Hee!

Then he continues that he’s just wondering if there’s a connection here, and points out that the condition of these two bodies are reminiscent of certain southwestern cattle mutilations, which have long been associated with UFO activity. Scully just shakes her head and asks him if, for once, for the novelty of it, he can just Occam’s Razor it and go for the simplest, most logical explanation “instead of automatically jumping to UFOs or Bigfoot”.

Mulder is annoyed, and answers that in the six years they’ve worked together, he hasn’t actually been wrong that often, and that he’s getting tired of their cases always starting with this perfunctory dance where Scully tells him he’s not scientifically rigorous and is crazy, and then he ends up being right, “98 point nine percent of the time.” Then he pauses, and says he feels he’s earned the benefit of the doubt here. Scully has no response (though her hair looks fabulous, I must add).

Oooh, story by Frank Spotnitz. That’s good – the fact that he wrote this one gives me a little more hope for the new movie’s story!

Boone County Morgue, Asheville, NC. The coroner has pulled out both skeletons for our agents, and OH MY GOSH, Mulder looks fantastic in his dark blue fleece pullover. Ahem. Sorry. The coroner says they were about to send the bodies on to the state medical examiner, and Mulder tells him he and Scully appreciate getting a chance to look at them. Scully is all business and pulls on her gloves as she starts her examination, informing Mulder that the connective tissue is still intact. The coroner – I’m going to call him Fred, because I’m tired of typing “the coroner” already – remarks that that’s pretty much the only thing intact, and admits to being completely stymied by his findings.

Scully asks Fred’s pardon but is he sure that these are the right two bodies, and not the bodies of some couple who were missing for six months? Fred doesn’t look too offended, and tells the two that after triple-checking the dental records, it’s definitely Angela and Wallace Schiff lying on the tables there. Mulder looks at the photos and takes the file from Scully, asking Fred for the exact location where the bodies were found. Fred confirms that it was near Brown Mountain and offers to write Mulder some directions. Meanwhile, Scully is examining one of the skeletons (I don’t know whether it’s Angela or Wallace, since I’m not a forensic pathologist like Scully), and she notices some yellow goo. Dun dun DUN! She smears some onto the fingers of her glove and asks Fred if he knows what it is. Both he and Mulder come over to look at it. Fred dismisses it by saying the remains were found in a swampy area, so it’s just organic “bog sludge.”

Scully looks dissatisfied, perhaps thinking back to the last time she and Mulder dealt with yellow goo in a way that made Mulder betray his cool exterior, and Mulder says he wants to go check out where the bodies were found. He sets down the dental records file and asks Scully if she’s coming. She tells him to go ahead, at which he looks slightly disappointed but leaves nonetheless. I really, REALLY like how he looks in that blue pullover.

Mulder drives up to the scene where the bodies were found, the tire of his car crushing some mushrooms which release a puff of spores into the air. When I first watched this, I was like, “Hmm, I wonder if that could be significant, since the camera made sure to focus on the mushrooms right there.” But then later on I almost convinced myself that I had guessed wrong. I hate it when I do that to myself. Mulder gets out of the car into the cloud of spores and looks around. The field is in a very pleasant, sparsely-forested area, with rocks and boulders and stuff around. Mulder walks over to the exact spot where the bodies were (you can tell because there’s no grass there, just dirt), and bends down to touch some more of the yellow goo that’s on the ground. Eeww! You don’t have gloves! What is it with you and touching nasty goo without gloves, Mulder?? He smells it and grimaces, then stands up again, just in time to see Wallace Schiff walking around near some boulders!

Wallace looks over and sees Mulder, who calls out his name questioningly. At this, Wallace starts running, and Mulder quickly gives chase, as the music builds. Mulder runs after Wallace into a more rocky part of the terrain, and sees him crawl into a small hole under a rock. At this point, I am forcibly reminded of that scene in The Silver Chair where the giants are chasing Jill, Eustace, and Puddleglum to try to catch them and make pies out of them, but the three adventurers escape in a very similar manner to Wallace just now. Mulder runs up to the tiny cave entrance and turns on his flashlight, calling out Wallace’s name again. He’s so pretty (Mulder, that is, though Wallace is not bad-looking, either).

Back at the morgue, Scully is looking at a drop of the yellow stuff under a microscope. Fred comes in with the results of Scully’s gas spectrometer, and shock of shocks, the bog sludge isn’t bog sludge at all! Scully reads off the list of components and recognizes that they are all digestive secretions. Fred agrees that it amounts pretty much to “stomach juices.” Ah, Fred, you and your quaint, folksy ways of saying things. “Bog sludge” and “stomach juices,” indeed. Then he ruins his folksy image by pointing out the one disparity in the results: chitinase. Scully doesn’t seem to know what that is, so Fred exposits that it’s also a digestives secretion, but one found only in plants.

We cut back to Mulder, who has entered the cave. It seems amazingly huge inside, and is lit with an eerie blue light. Mulder is soon able to stand up, and walks forward, calling out, “Hello?” after a few steps. It echoes quite a bit. Mulder shines his flashlight around and looks a bit spooked. (Hee, you see what I did there?)

Back at the morgue once more, Fred is showing Scully files of two similar cases. They were also found as skeletal remains, but since these were hikers that had been missing for months, Fred explains, they thought nothing of that. Scully notices that the bodies were found near Brown Mountain, not too far from Wallace and Angela Schiff, and immediately whips out her phone to call Mulder. When he doesn’t answer, her concern grows. She tells Fred to forward a sample of the goo to the FBI lab at Quantico where they can do a full analysis, and then asks to borrow his truck.

Creepy Cave of Creepiness. Mulder is still exploring. We see that one of the cave walls is dripping with nasty yellow goo, but Mulder can’t see this from his vantage point. Just then, Wallace comes out of the shadows and begs Mulder not to “take [him].” Mulder orders Wallace to come out into the light of his flashlight, but assures Wallace that he won’t hurt him. Wallace asks uncertainly, “You’re not one of them?”

Mulder asks what “them” Wallace is referring to, then confirms that he is, in fact, speaking to Wallace Schiff. Then he tells the still-frightened man that he’s supposed to be dead, and that his skeleton was discovered nearby. Wallace grimaces and says that it’s a fake, that “they” put it there. Mulder again asks who “they” are, and Wallace says ominously, “You know who.”

“The Brown Mountain lights,” Mulder guesses, and Wallace nods, looking sick. He tells Mulder that he and his wife were abducted and taken onboard their ship, but he can’t finish the sentence before he puts a hand to his head, as if it’s aching.

Mulder tells Wallace that they found Angela’s skeleton, too, but Wallace, nearly hysterical, replies, “No. Don’t you get it? They-they faked our deaths! They have that kind of technology. Who the hell would look for us if they thought they’d already found our bodies? You see?!” Then he continues anguishedly that Angela is still on the ship, and that they’re doing experiments on her, and he doesn’t know what to do. Mulder, looking very sympathetic, has no answer.

The notes of the theme ring out as Scully drives up next to Mulder’s Suburban in her borrowed truck. The camera lingers on the DODGE logo for a good five seconds as she gets out – product placement much? Scully walks closer to the rocky area, calling out for Mulder and looking worried (awww). Then she sees a man’s bootprints in the mud, and follows the trail, stepping on more mushrooms and releasing more spores as she does so. (You know, the equivalent French expression for “Step on it!”, meaning “Go faster!”, literally translates to “Press on the mushroom!” Fun fact.) Scully notices the mushrooms briefly before continuing on.

We’re back to Wallace and Mulder in the Creepy Cave (that should so be an album title, or something). Mulder says they need to find a way out of the cave first of all, and Wallace, confused, points to the exit right behind Mulder. Mulder turns around and sure enough, there’s an opening there. He begins to wonder what the hell is going on, since that was “solid rock a minute ago”. At this, Wallace begins freaking out again, saying that “they” must be messing with his and Mulder’s head, and how can they know if anything is real?? Mulder just walks over to the exit and tells Wallace to press on the mushroom already, but Wallace just yells that they’re out there. Cue eerie mechanical whooshing and vibrating noises, and a bright light pouring in through the opening. Wallace runs away in fear, but Mulder stays where he is for a few seconds before running after him.

Then we see that the light is actually coming from Scully’s flashlight, as she peers into the cave from the same entrance that both Mulder and Schiff went in. Scully calls out for Mulder again, but seems reluctant to go in the cave, despite the bootprints leading right to it. She always is a bit less impetuous than Mulder, isn’t she? After calling Mulder’s name one more time and looking around, Scully walks away.

Meanwhile, back with Mulder and Wallace, the eerie vibrating and bright light is still resonating throughout the cave, and Mulder hides behind a stalactite and stalagmite that have grown together into a column (see, I still remember some of my elementary-school geology!). He watches avidly as Wallace implores him not to let them see him. Suddenly, the light and sound are gone. Mulder turns his flashlight back on and Wallace turns on a little camping lantern thingy, and they have a brief conversation about how it’s odd that the aliens didn’t find them. Mulder surmises that they must have been after something else, and heads in the direction where the light was coming from. Reluctantly, Wallace follows. They enter another large chamber, and Wallace cries out “Oh, my God” as they both see Angela lying on the ground. Wallace cradles her head in his arms as he and Mulder crouch next to her, and Wallace rejoices that they brought her back. Mulder looks on pensively.

As Wallace fills his cup with water from the wall of the cave, Mulder is asking Angie if she remembers anything about what just happened to her. Suddenly we see that Wallace is actually filling his cup with the nasty yellow goo. EEEEeeww. Don’t drink that, Wallace! Meanwhile, Angie is saying that her memories are all fuzzy, and Mulder prompts her that she was with Wallace. Finally, Angie starts her story, with Mulder’s occasional help: blah blah strange lights dancing over Brown Mountain, blah blah white place, lying on a table blah blah featureless men doing experiments – we’ve heard it all before. Mulder moves Angie’s hair aside and looks at the back of her neck: sure enough, there’s a scar there. This is when one might begin to wonder at how perfect this whole setup is. I don’t think I did yet – but one might. Heh.

Mulder explains the scar to the distraught Angie and her husband as an implant – he’s seen this kind of thing before. Boy, has he. Poor Scully. Mulder does admit that this abduction experience is textbook, down to the last letter, except for the skeletons, which still confuse him. Then Wallace puts in that the skeletons might be something like the “cattle mutilations you hear about.” Mulder says he had that thought, but it’s without precedent in the literature. Well, Mulder, obviously these are revolutionary NEW abduction techniques, did you ever think of that? Huh?! What if the aliens have just gotten bored of the same old story, over and over, for 700 years?

Wallace reiterates his explanation that the aliens must not have wanted anyone to find them, and that they didn’t want Mulder “to know the truth.” Somehow the odd pointedness of that statement seems to pass Mulder by, and he says they should just get out of the cave. But both Angie and Wallace think that’s a bad idea, that they’ll get taken again. Mulder insists, but Angie says she can feel that they’re coming again. The noise and light returns, and Angie runs off screaming. Wallace tells Mulder to hide, or they’ll take him, too, but Mulder says, “No! I don’t get abducted until ‘Requiem,’ you moron!” Okay, he doesn’t say that last part, but he does walk defiantly into the beam of light, and out of the cave, Wallace’s “Nooooo!” following him. My sister and I totally thought Mulder had been abducted right then, since we’d heard that he got abducted at some point but didn’t know when. But we were all, “Hey, wait, I thought this wasn’t a mytharc ep!”

We transition directly (and niftily) to the “42″ on Mulder’s apartment door. Scully knocks, and Mulder opens the door, looking outside to see if anyone else is there. Scully is understandably somewhat upset that Mulder left North Carolina without telling her and then just called her from DC, but Mulder just says it’s a long story and holds the door open for her to come inside. GA is so short that she can walk right under DD’s arm. Hee. I love them.

Mulder introduces Scully to Angela and Wallace Schiff, who are sitting on the sofa. Scully recognizes them immediately, and Mulder tells her that she was “meant” to identify their remains. Angela gets off on the wrong foot with Scully by starting out with telling her that the skeletons were decoys planted by the aliens. Scully reacts just about as well to this news as you would expect, shooting a look at Mulder as they both move to sit down.

Mulder begins to talk to Scully in a very quiet, sort of reverent sounding voice, telling her to put aside her scientific bias for some news that is going to change the lives “of everybody on this planet.” He tells her about the Schiffs’ abduction, and that he’s found “the truth”. Angela then jumps in with an abbreviated version of her abduction tale, and when she gets to the part about the implant in her neck, Scully takes a deep breath.

“Just like what happened to you,” Mulder exposits unnecessarily, but Scully protests that from what she knows, this is nothing like what happened to her. Unperturbed, Mulder simply tells her that there’s more, still with that same quiet excitement/reverence, and stands up. He leads her to his bedroom – but not for that, come on, people! – and closes the door behind them, because, he says, “it doesn’t like the light.”

Scully asks who doesn’t like the light, but since nobody ever tells Scully anything important directly, Mulder just guides her forward by the arm. Scully’s jaw drops open (farther than usual, I should say): it’s a gray!

Adorably, Mulder grins and tells her, “I abducted him!” Then, still smiling, he tells her that they’ve been speaking telepathically, and that he told him everything – whatever that means. Still looking stunned, Scully gasps, “I – I can hear him!”

The theme plays again, slowly, as Scully tries to grasp what is happening. The two of them leave the bedroom (no, I told you already!), and Scully tells Mulder that she doesn’t know where to start, that he was right all along. Mulder is pleased, but thankfully not overly smug. Scully continues with a list of all the things Mulder has been right about involving aliens, but then Mulder himself brings up the skeletons. Scully dismisses them as decoys, but Mulder presses on, wondering about the organic goo that she was so interested in before. Scully dismisses the goo, saying it was just bog sludge, at which point Mulder puts his hand to his forehead.

“That, uh… doesn’t sound like you, Scully,” Mulder says, clearly in physical pain. “I can’t believe you’re buying that!” Scully just watches him with concern and repeats that she’s admitting that she was wrong. Then she asks him if he’s all right.

In another kind of scene that never ends well on this show, Mulder goes into the kitchen to splash cold water on his (pretty, pretty) face. He looks up and sees that the water from the faucet has turned into thick yellow goo. The noise it makes as it comes out of the faucet is incredibly revolting. Mulder is shocked. It turns back into water, and Mulder rubs his face, clearly wondering what the heck is going on.

Going back into the living room, Mulder repeats to Scully that none of this makes sense – the Schiffs being there, their stories, the skeletons. Then another wave of pain hits him, and he sees the entire room engulfed in a wash of yellow. Scully asks him why he can’t believe it if even she can, but Mulder isn’t listening. He’s too busy looking at the Schiffs, as they dissolve away into yellow goo, and the room around him gets all… bendy (big points to whoever gets that reference!). We pan back around to Scully, and Mulder stares at her in horror as she too dissolves away into bubbly yellow goo. Then it fades to black, and we are once more underground. Mulder is covered in tendrils of some kind and that same goo. His eyes are open, but he is obviously not seeing. There’s also more of those delightful squelchy, goo-type noises. Eewwwwww.

The next scene is Scully and Fred heading up the hill to the cave. Scully tells Fred that she went inside the cave and that it was empty (but we never saw her go into the cave! Could that be… a clue?), and that Mulder seems to have just vanished. Fred says helpfully that they’re bound to find him. Then Scully sees more goo on the ground, in a bootprint, and shows it to Fred. She says that it looks like the digestive material is coming out of the ground here. Then they both look around a bit more, and Fred discovers tracks leading in and out of the cave.

Scully is confused, and states that the tracks only led in before, to which Fred replies that she must have missed him. “How? I mean, this, this cave’s not much more than a hole in the rock,” Scully answers.

Fred calls her over from where she’s crouching next to the cave. He’s looking down at another skeleton sprawled on the ground in front of him. The music builds dramatically as Scully stares in shock and fear.

Back at the morgue. The new skeleton is on a table, and we zoom in on the head. What, does Spotnitz expect us to be able to recognize Mulder’s head when it’s just a skeleton (SPOILER!)? Scully is looking at the skeleton, too, distressed. She might actually be able to recognize Mulder from his skeleton, since she’s his doctor. Fred comes in holding an envelope, which he says the courier just dropped off – Mulder’s charts. Scully quickly takes the envelope and puts the enclosed x-rays on the lighted screen thingy. She compares the teeth to the ones from the x-ray from the skeleton. It’s a match.

Scully’s face crumples, and Fred apologizes quietly. She walks over to the skeleton again, swallows, and tries not to cry as she asks Fred if he thinks that the digestive secretion they keep finding could have done this to him. Fred seems confused, so she continues, still trying not to break down, “Well, it’s… it’s chemically similar to gastric juices, right? I mean, maybe he fell in it or… may… maybe it’s a product of a… of a particular vegetation that grows in the area.”

Fred concedes that this sounds plausible, except that there’s no goo on Mulder’s bones. Scully quickly verifies this by rubbing a cloth on one of the bones – nothing comes off. Confusedly, she mutters, “It was on the Schiffs,” and turns to Fred for reassurance.

Gently, Fred tells her that he thinks they should be looking for “the simplest explanation. The most logical.” Scully asks what that would be, and he replies, “I’d say we’re looking at a murder– one with ritualistic overtones. I think his body was stripped and then skeletonized. Possibly by boiling or use of an acid solution.” Remember that from earlier? Remember?

Scully also seems to remember, perhaps. Then Fred promises that they will send the remains on to DC, at which Scully looks even less happy, if that’s possible. Poor Scully. How many times has she thought Mulder was dead at this point in the series? How many more times are left?

We cut to Skinner reading the report of Mulder’s death, which contains such phrases as “cannot be fully explained” and “lack of any real physical evidence.” Skinner closes the report and tells Scully that he appreciates the thoroughness of her report, especially given the circumstances, and that she should take some time off.

Scully is incredulous that Skinner would be satisfied with the conclusions in the case, because she wasn’t able to reach any real ones. Skinner looks confused at her confusion. “You concluded that he was a victim of a ritual killing,” he states.

Scully gets even more bewildered, and her composure begins to slip. They argue (but not heatedly) about the fact that Scully thinks the ritual killing theory is the least plausible, while Skinner thinks it makes perfect sense and is a perfect fulfillment of Scully’s usual rational perspectives on X-Files. Scully asks Skinner if her scientific, rational approach has really helped to explain many X-Files, at which Skinner tries to comfort her that her reports always help make sense of Mulder’s views. In this case, though, Scully firmly states that her report wasn’t of use. Skinner asks if she really thinks this was something other than a murder. Almost crying, Scully answers, “That’s what Agent Mulder would have thought.”

Skinner tells her that while it’s tempting to attribute Mulder’s death to something paranormal, given his life work, that’s not the case. She wipes away some tears as Skinner promises her that “we’ll get the bastard who did this.”

Outside Mulder’s apartment. Scully gets out of the elevator, wearing black, and walks down the hallway. She takes a deep breath and knocks on number 42. Frohike opens the door and she goes inside, staring around at all the people in suits and somber colors. Other than the Lone Gunmen, there is no one recognizable. Hey, come on, Scully would be the first person there! As Scully meets the eyes of a few random, sympathetic people, we head into the next room. Oh good, there’s Skinner. That makes sense at least.

Skinner comes up to her and quietly tells her he’s sorry. Scully doesn’t respond, but looks through a door at the room with the coffin in it. None of the people next to it are any Mulder relatives known to us (not that there are that many left at this point). Byers comes up behind Scully and asks her how she’s holding up. She tells him that she still can’t believe it, and Langley agrees – he still almost expects Mulder to show up any minute. He’s wearing a tuxedo T-shirt, by the way, which is totally in-character. Hee.

Frohike offers Scully some wine to “dull the pain,” which she refuses. As Frohike downs the wine, Byers pulls her aside and tells her that TLG have launched their own investigation. Scully is relieved – she thought she was the only one who still had suspicions. Then Frohike dashes her hopes by saying they’ll find the SOB who killed Mulder and make him pay. As Scully begins to freak out quietly, Byers tells her that they managed to get ahold of her report and that they were “impressed by the thoroughness of it.” “Especially given the circumstances,” Langley adds.

Scully’s bewilderment grows as Byers starts to spout the same “ritualistic murder, stripped and skeletonized” stuff. Langley agrees that that’s the obvious answer. This is the last straw for Scully, who almost yells, “What the hell is wrong with everybody?” She wonders angrily why she’s the only one who sees the unanswered questions here, and TLG look at each other nervously. Frohike goes to get another drink. She continues accusingly that the Gunmen of all people should not be “buying the party line.” As her voice gets louder, Skinner looks at her in concern from across the room. Then Scully puts her hand to her temple, in sudden pain.

Byers quickly asks if she’s all right. The yellow washes over her field of vision, just like it did for Mulder in the earlier scene. Skinner comes over and tells her she should get some rest. Now Scully’s all paranoid, and demands to know what Skinner has done with Mulder. Skinner tries to calm her down, but Scully’s having none of it. She pushes his hands away and yells, “Look, something else is going on here! Where is he?! Where’s Mulder?!”

As everyone in the apartment looks around at each other anxiously (”What are we supposed to do with the crazy partner of this dead guy most of us don’t even know?” “Don’t ask me, I just came for the hors-d’oeuvres!”), there’s a knock on the door. No one else seems to want to answer it (Frohike is too busy drinking directly out of the bottle, which is hilarious), so Scully goes over and opens it herself. It’s Mulder! He comes inside, and everyone else who was there is suddenly gone.

Scully stares at him in complete shock, and notices the disappearance of the others. Mulder just nods to her and says, “Scully.” Aaaand scene.

Mulder is sitting on the couch, relating the story of what seems to be his abduction (which happened with the Schiffs, I think) from the cave. His voice is even more monotone than it is usually, as he tells the same old abduction story – quite unlike what actually happens to him later, from what we hear before Scully interrupts him with the statement that the Schiffs are dead, so they couldn’t have told him their abduction experiences.

“No, actually, they’re not,” Mulder answers. The way he says it comes off hilariously casual.

Scully insists that it was finding the Schiffs’ remains in the field that brought them to this case in the first place, and she just found Mulder’s remains that same way. Mulder just points out calmly that he’s here.

“How did you get here?” Scully asks.

“Aliens brought me back here.”

“From North Carolina direct to your apartment door?” Scully presses incredulously.

Mulder actually pauses to think about this, and they realize that Mulder doesn’t remember how he got to his apartment. Scully realizes that she doesn’t know how she got here, either.

At first Mulder tries to blow it off, but Scully points out that he knocked, at the door of his own apartment. She goes on that he didn’t seem surprised to see her there (well, actually, Scully, that’s not that surprising), and if the Schiffs actually are alive, where are they? And what happened to the people that were there for Mulder’s wake not five minutes ago?

Mulder doesn’t have an explanation but says that he’s here now, and that it’s real. Scully shakes her head. “Mulder, this is not reality. This is a hallucination. It has to be. And either I am having it, or you are having it or we are having it together.” Awww.

“Brought on by what?” Mulder wonders. Scully thinks about it for a while, and abruptly recalls the mushroom that she stepped on, back in that field in North Carolina. She tells Mulder that many mushroom varieties are known for their hallucinogenic properties, so they must have inhaled the spores. They are not, in fact, even in this apartment right now. They’re still in the field in NC.

Mulder, overwhelmed, says, “Whoa, Scully,” and rubs his face, but Scully says, “Bear with me” – hee! Role reversal! – and explains how it makes sense: Angela and Wallace Schiff were digested by the substance that was all over that field, then expelled out of the ground as skeletons. “What if that substance and this hallucinogen are – are from one and the same organism?” she asks.

“A giant mushroom?” Mulder wonders skeptically.

“A giant fungal organism,” Scully corrects him. Apparently there really are giant fungi that range dozens of acres and weigh hundreds of tons. Eewwwwww. I am NOT a mushroom fan, so that image is incredibly gross to me. She also mentions the precedent of carnivorous plants like the Venus fly trap and the pitcher plant – maybe this giant fungus is carnivorous, too.

Mulder is following along now, and says that the hallucinogen would be a way for it to lure its prey into the cave. Scully agrees – this would be a way to keep the prey complacent while being digested.

At this point, Mulder’s piercing headache comes back, and we flash to him underground, covered in tendrils and goo again, eyes open wide. Scully starts getting more and more frightened as she continues, “What if we’re still underground, Mulder? What if we’re moving deeper into the cave? Or being moved? Mulder, what if we’re being digested? Right now.” Then she dissolves into yellow goo again in front of Mulder, who is wearing his panic face.

(I’m just going to take a moment and say, what other couple would be hallucinating the same hallucination? Awwww. Even the giant mushroom has figured out that Mulder and Scully love each other enough that they would both need to be in the same hallucination.)

Okay, back to the story. We’re back in North Carolina, and Mulder is Westleying himself out of the muddy ground of the field. He knocks aside a mushroom as he pulls himself out, then reaches back in and pulls Scully out. They lie next to each other, and Scully coughs, like Buttercup when she came out of the lightning sand. Hee. And awww. They are both utterly exhausted.

Back in Skinner’s office, he reads their report and asks for details about the organism. Mulder and Scully report that the exact size can’t be determined, since it’s mostly subterranean, but that they’ve contacted all the necessary government offices and specialists, so their bases are covered. The spores that have been analyzed have a chemical structure similar to LSD, and also contain a narcotic. Skinner remarks on the rareness of both of them signing off on the same report, which seems to make Mulder pause.

Skinner asks him what’s bothering him. “I’m not exactly clear on how we escaped,” he admits, and turns to Scully. “Once you recognized that we were under a chemical influence then it simply kind of… broke its spell?”

Scully looks thoughtful, but nods. Mulder remarks that he doesn’t know of any drug that loses its effect once the user realizes it’s in his system, but both Scully and Skinner don’t seem to find this as confusing. I wonder when Hallucination!Scully ends and Real!Scully begins in this scene. Then Mulder points out that furthermore, after being underground and covered in acid for at least half a day, they should both have chemical burns all over their bodies – but they don’t.

Scully looks at her hands as Skinner asks where Mulder is going with this. Ignoring him, Mulder tells Scully that they never escaped – they’re still trapped underground. Scully smiles condescendingly and tells Mulder he must be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but Mulder just shakes his head, smiles, and says, “This is not real.” He turns back to Skinner. “You – you’re not real.”

Skinner scoffs, but Mulder gets his trademark Crazy Face, pulls his gun, and fires at Skinner over Scully’s alarmed protest. Skinner doesn’t react at all to being shot, except to narrow his eyes and start leaking yellow goo from the three bullet holes. Scully and Mulder’s eyes widen. Then Scully looks at Mulder as he dissolves into goo, and Skinner’s office behind him.

We cut back to underground. Our agents are both covered in the nasty goo and the tendrils. They both are moving their mouths, but not able to move much else. Except somehow Mulder manages to get his hand partially up through the dirt, and the camera pans up from his hand to reveal a team of searchers all around the field. Skinner and several other people rush over to them and begin digging. The rescuers are all wearing gas masks, which is a darn good idea. They pull Mulder out, all covered with dirt and with red burns on his face, and then Scully, who is in the same condition. Skinner helps to load them onto stretchers.

Barely conscious, Scully mutters weakly, “Mushroom,” and Skinner assures her that they found it – presumably because of the sample Scully had forwarded to Quantico. Then he tells her to take it easy, and the two are lifted on their stretchers into the back of a waiting ambulance (Skinner helps lift Scully’s stretcher). As the doors close on our heroes, Mulder wordlessly reaches out a hand to Scully, and without even needing to look, Scully reaches out her hand. Their muddy, burned hands meet, and Scully turns to look at Mulder. Nothing needs to be said between them, and it is beautiful. They do not stop holding hands as we fade to black.

I’m really surprised – but mostly pleased – that CC & Co. didn’t go with the sci-fi cliché of ending the episode with some little thing to make the viewer think that it might still be a hallucination. Now of course I know that many fans have decided that all of seasons 7-9 are or should be “Field Trip”-induced hallucinations, but to each their own. Me, I’m just content to rewatch the ending scene of this episode, over and over.

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Recap by Namarie

Recap by Bolissa

This is the last Diana Fowley episode to be recapped by yours truly. ["And the last to be recapped by me. Yay for consistency!" - raceguy] The hoo hoo is fair game and no holds barred. Let’s just get right into it, shall we? The episode, I mean. Not Diana’s hoo hoo.

Previously on The X-Files: CSM took a million years explaining his life story to Diana Fowley, making her ears bleed. Not that I’m complaining about that. Mulder wanted to play one-on-one with Scully and was shocked to find out stuff he already knew. Krycek was back with the Syndicate and had to kill a Rebel Without A Face because Spender’s too much of a pussy. Mulder and Scully were kicked out of the FBI for breaking into the former LBO. Spender found out his dad was the Devil. Cassandra, The First Successful Cavity-Free Alien/Human Hybrid, returned and confused the mytharc with The NeverEnding Story. Then she found some clothes, grabbed a taxi and wound up at Mulder’s apartment requesting an assisted suicide. Mulder was ready to obey her wishes and Scully was having a heart attack. There were mysterious persons banging on Mulder’s door…

So we’re greeted with that photo of CSM and Bill Mulder from last episode. And Mulder’s voice over kicks in: “Two men, young, idealistic — the fine product of a generation hardened by world war. Two fathers whose paths would converge in a new battle — an invisible war between a silent enemy and a sleeping giant on a scale to dwarf all historical conflicts. A 50-years war, its killing fields lying in wait for the inevitable global holocaust.” Then the photo catches on fire which then fades into a flashback of the 70’s Syndicate in an air base hangar.

October 13, 1973. “Theirs was the dawn of Armageddon. And while the world was unaware, unwitting spectators to the hurly-burly of the decades-long struggle between heaven and earth there were those who prepared for the end; who measured the size and power of the enemy, and faced the choices: stand and fight, or bow to the will of a fearsome enemy. Or to surrender — to yield and collaborate. To save themselves and stay their enemy’s hand. Men who believed that victory was the absence of defeat and survival the ultimate ideology… No matter what the sacrifice.” Then the hangar opens and some midgets with long fingers and big heads walk toward the Syndicate and CSM is going to give them an American flag. So they can fly it from their spaceship. Or hang it on their porch. Something like that. I don’t know.

Credits. Two men, kind of young and full of ideas — whose paths would cross to write for a really awesome TV show. Their partnership was the dawn of a nine year saga that would not end well. The world was unaware, unwitting spectators to their fake tans and bad haircuts. These men were faced with choices: stand and fight to keep a show that was reliant on dark and moody atmosphere in its rightful place, or bow to the will of an arrogant actor. Or to surrender — to yield to the powerful herbs and chemicals that would get them through their writing sessions. To save themselves from actually putting forth the effort needed to make the show logical and understandable. Men who believed that victory was the ratings and stringing along the shippers the ultimate ideology… No matter if things like continuity and the sanity of the fans were sacrificed.

Frank Spotnitz: So what are we gonna do with the mytharc this year?

Chris Carter: Not sure.

Frank Spotnitz: What about the bees and the corn? We going to delve into that some more?

Chris Carter: I don’t know.

Frank Spotnitz: What about the black oil?

Chris Carter: I haven’t decided.

Frank Spotnitz: Well, what are we gonna do now?

Chris Carter: It’s 4:20 somewhere. Let’s spark ‘em.

Frank Spotnitz: No it’s not. Don’t you know how time zones work?

Chris Carter: …

Mulder’s Apartment Of Interrupted Suicides. So Cassandra’s shouting for Mulder to kill her and Scully is also shouting at Mulder but hoping for the opposite result. There’s banging on the door and then these men in biosuits bust in and they’re hosing down the place. Mulder demands to know what’s going on. “Who are you?!” The decon dudes yell for them to get down and they say they’re from the CDC and they’re taking them to be quarantined. Scully wants to know what they’re being quarantined for. Then Diana “The Anti-Christ, I Mean Anti-Scully” Fowley enters, all dressed in a decon suit. “A contagion. A contagion of unknown origin.” Mulder looks kind of shocked. Scully looks pissed.

The Other Skin Shower. So our heroes have been transported by Diana’s Decon Team of Evil and they are taking a shower. They’re only one stall apart and they’re naked. The water shuts off. Mulder turns around and eyes Special Agent Dana “Plausibly Hot” Scully up and down. Scully looks up at Mulder. They stare at each other in silence for a few seconds before Scully turns away. Mulder looks unhappy. He’s possibly wishing he’d made a carpet crack to lighten the mood, that he should’ve called her “Red” or something. You snooze you lose, buddy.

Locker Room Of Fake Apologies And Feelings Hidden Well. Mulder and Scully are dressed in white scrubs and are being checked over by some dudes with radioactivity scanners, I think. “There must be some kind of mistake. I signed up for the aroma therapy treatment,” Mulder snarks. Scully would like to talk to somebody who can tell them what the heck is going on. After the scanner dudes leave, Mulder asks Scully if she has any idea of where they are. “I think, based on our travel time probably Fort Marlene. High risk decontamination and quarantine. It’s the same place Deep Throat sent me to and I stole that frozen alien fetus, which we traded for your life and then Deep Throat was shot.” I added that last part. A couple of doctors come in and check on Mulder and Scully, taking their vitals, etc. Diana comes in and she’s no longer wearing a decon suit, but dressed in a typical FBI Lady Suit. Diana “begs for their forgiveness” for this whole thing and she owes Mulder’s neighbors apologies too but they were acting on a CDC Level 4 quarantine protocol. “Based on what information?” Scully snits. According to Diana, Cassandra the Southern Oracle had a “vectoring organism” that causes the spontaneous breakdown of something and it causes combustion. “What?” Scully snits some more. Exactly. Don’t throw BS medical lingo at Scully because she ain’t going to fall for it. Diana then reminds everyone that Cassandra was the only survivor when all those doctors were burnt to a crisp. But that doesn’t explain the “vectoring organism.” Mulder wants to know who called her. Spender did. Scully wants to know where Cassandra is. She’s isolated until she’s given the medical OK. Scully says that Cassandra was in the hospital for days and that on a whim Diana calls in the “third battalion” and the motive is very suspicious. “Scully…” Mulder says. Diana asks Scully what motives is she suspecting. Diana’s isolation of Cassandra. Diana says that she’s “Patient Zero.” That’s funny, I thought she was Patient X. Scully can’t take this woman anymore and really breaks out the snit. “No one is sick or infected here. I mean, I assume that based on you walking in here dressed to the nines offering apologies masquerading as explanations.” Mulder is annoyed and seems to be trying to get her to shut up. “Scully,” he says more firmly. Is he shushing her? Since when does Mulder shush Scully? When does he ever censor her or try to prevent her from voicing her opinions and concerns? Mulder is walking a fine line with me, that’s for sure. “Mulder, I want to see Cassandra.” Diana says that she’s isolated. Scully’s all, “Yeah, and I’m a doctor. So I think I can handle it.” Diana’s all, “Yeah but you’ve been fired from the FBI and you have no authority.” Scully rips the blood pressure cuff off from her arm and storms out of the room. Mulder and Diana just stare at each other.

Scully opens a locker to find a dull gray dress. She’s disgusted and hangs it back up as Mulder enters. Scully is pissed that they’ve burned her Armani suit. Mulder quips that “gray is the new black.” Scully is upset. “Mulder, this stinks, and not just because I think that woman is a… well, I think you know what I think that woman is.” Mulder gets that sarcastic expression, but he’s also slightly amused. “No. Actually, you hide your feelings very well.” Scully thinks that Spender calling the CDC is BS and this is just a “hi-tech government kidnapping.” Mulder called Skinner and confirmed that Spender did call the CDC. “But she wasn’t sick, Mulder. I mean, the remarkable thing is she was well. She could wiggle her toes and she even danced a jig.” Mulder asks Scully to explain why Cassandra wanted to be killed. Scully thinks it’s because Cassandra is sick of the tests, she just wants it to be over and “they’ve” taken her so the tests can continue. Mulder says the tests won’t continue and that Cassandra knows what she is. She knows it’s dangerous for her to be alive. Scully: “You don’t mean that ‘Southern Oracle’ crap?” Mulder: “I think she’s the one, Scully.”

Syndicate Office in NYC. Alex “One-Armed Leather Sex Machine” Krycek is giving CSM and his cronies the 411 on the Cassandra situation. He recovered all the medical files he could could get his hands, I mean hand, on. The doctors who examined her said that she might be the culmination “of 25 years of this group’s finest efforts.” Rocko, or Third Elder, guesses that’s why the rebels attacked. That they were trying to kill her. Krycek points out that they killed everyone but Cassandra, when they could’ve easily fried that crazy freakshow to a crisp. Krycek says that they did it to keep her alive, to prevent them from killing her. Doug, or First Elder, asks what the rebels want. Rocko says they want to destroy the Syndicate because they know once the (other) aliens learn about Cassandra, colonization will start. The Fourth Elder, let’s call him Heffer, says they must destroy Cassandra. CSM pipes up to nay Cassandra’s destruction and to just let colonization begin. “Save ourselves.” Heffer comments that Bill Mulder was against this whole thing. CSM says that Bill Mulder sacrificed Samantha because he knew this day would come. “What choice have we… If you want to see your families survive? If we want to see those we sacrificed returned to us?”

Chris Carter: *exhales* Ok, I think I’ve got an idea. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* What’s that? *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* Why don’t we bring back that crazy Cassandra and she can be the first successful alien/human hybrid? *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Ok. But what about the Samantha clones and the Kurt Crawfords? Weren’t they hybrids? *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* Um… let’s just say they were unsuccessful. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Well, what’s Cassandra gonna do this time around? *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* She can be returned from the tests and then she can do… something. I don’t know. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Why don’t we bring the faceless rebels back, too? *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* That’s a great idea. I think we’re onto something. The rebels can burn up some project doctors but Cassandra is found unharmed. Then we’ll somehow get Mulder and Scully to find out about her relation to Cancer Man. Oh! Mulder can find out that his father and CSM were working on secret government projects. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Yeah, but that’s something Mulder already knows. *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* Who’s even gonna remember that? *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: …

Fort Marlene. Mulder walks out into the hallway and he’s wearing a suit that’s way too small for him. And white socks. He sees a big nurse with big gray hair down the hall. “Hello? Hello? Oh, Ma’am. These shoes? They’re two sizes too small. I was wondering if I could get a … A pair that fit, maybe?” The nurse ignores him. “Two sizes too small”? How’d he get his feet in there? A bone saw? Then he sees a blonde woman duck into a room and Mulder sort of limps after her. He enters this lab/storage room and sees the lady. Hey! It’s Marita Covarrubias. She looks rough, yo. Like some chicks I’ve seen down in NYC, i.e. crack whores. She tells Mulder that she can’t be seen with him or CSM and the Syndicate will kill her. “What have they done to you?” Mulder asks. She says she was tested on. “Like the tests on Cassandra Spender?” No, that was the hybrid program. Marita was infected with the black oil so the secret vaccine could be tested. Mulder feels sorry for her. And then they blah blah about stuff we already know. The hybrid program was in cooperation with the aliens, even though that doesn’t really make sense because why would they want alien/human hybrids? Why not just wipe us off the planet? Why the dilly-dallying for 50 years? And then the vaccine was developed in secret to buy time, to develop a weapon. And then they pull that Cassandra Spender Is The First Successful Alien/Human Hybrid thing and Marita says colonization will begin if the aliens find out about her. Then Marita tells Mulder that she’ll “do anything” for twenty bucks. ["Even Krycek's prosthetic arm. Going to Hell now. Quit blocking the entrance, Fouley!" - raceguy]

The Southern Oracle’s Hospital Room. Spender has come to see his mom. She wants to know why she’s there and he tells her that she’s safe from CSM. She doesn’t think Spender can do much about CSM. Spender says that he can and there won’t be anymore tests on her. Aww. “You don’t understand about me. The Nothing is coming, Jeffrey.” Spender tells her that he does understand. “You don’t understand what will happen… what will happen to you if they find me out. The Nothing is coming. You have to let me go!” Spender says that they’ll just hurt her again. “Yes. You must let them. That’s how the story goes. The Southern Oracle gets sucked into the Nothing. Or everyone dies. Jeffrey! Please!” Spender walks away and right by Diana, who was watching this whole scene. “We gotta get my mom on some strong meds. Maybe transfer her to some psych ward or something.”

The Lone Gunmen Office Of Male FBI Agents Who Really Piss Me Off. The office buzzes and my main man Frohike unlocks a whole bunch of locks before letting Special Agent Fox “Renownedly Arrogant” Mulder in. He quips about the “latest in home security” and then Frohike says something like “you gotta get through me.” Mulder then says that Scully called him and it was urgent. They walk into the office and see Scully with Langly and Byers. Scully asks Mulder to hear her out before he objects and then tells him that they found everything they could about Diana. Mulder doesn’t have time for this because for someone obsessed with finding the truth, he sure doesn’t mind believing the lies. Scully comes right out and tells him that Diana is “playing [him] for a fool.” Mulder says that he knows her and Scully doesn’t. She points out that Mulder used to know her and he doesn’t anymore. Byers then pipes up and says that Diana was working in Europe for seven years in the FBI’s anti-terrorism unit but Scully says there’s absolutely no information about her activities. Mulder then gives a sarcastic melodramatic gasp and quips about indicting her with that information. Then Scully tells him that her travel records were purged from her FBI files but they found them in airline manifests. She was moving extensively throughout Europe and took weekly trips to Tunisia. Was Diana having an affair with Strughold? Anything’s possible, I guess. She was probably the Syndicate’s bicycle. Mulder asks what the purpose was for Diana’s travels. Langly and Frohike tell Mulder that they took “a flyer” and found Mutual UFO Network logs. Scully tells him that Diana was going to every European MUFON chapter collecting data on female abductees. Mulder: “So she’s collecting data. Big deal.” Scully: “Or hiding it.” Mulder tells her that she’s reaching and then Scully reminds everyone about her own abduction and finding the MUFON ladies. Mulder asks if Diana is monitoring the abductees. Scully’s all, “You tell me that Cassandra Spender is ‘the one’, the Southern Oracle. And who’s got her isolated so we can’t see her? Diana. Plus there’s no information on her whatsoever. That doesn’t ring any alarms? You tell me to ‘trust no one’ but you’ll trust her blindly. Hello?!” Mulder says that Scully’s given him no reason not to trust Diana. Hmm. Maybe his brain’s been dying a lot longer than we all originally thought. Mulder and Scully then stare at each other.

Scully: Well, then I can’t help you anymore.

Mulder: Scully, you’re making this personal.

Frohike: Oh, no he di’int!

Langly: That ain’t right.

Byers: Uh oh.

Scully: Personal?! PERSONAL?! Of course it’s personal! I was abducted, my NECK was chipified, my sister was SHOT in the head, I almost DIED from cancer, I was abducted AGAIN and I can NEVER have children all because of the X-Files! All for YOU and your quest for the truth! And now I’ve been fired from the FBI! The only thing left is my relationship with you and if you take that away by siding with that lying whore, I’m not going to continue!

Scully walks past him and slams the door on her way out. Mulder just watches her go in silence. The Lone Gunmen give each other looks. Even they know Mulder’s being played. I have a feeling that although they’ve known Mulder a lot longer, they absolutely adore Scully and would back her up any day.

Diana’s Apartment Of Smelly Hoo Hoos. Mulder, who pretends to buck Scully’s common sense and logic but in actuality takes it very seriously because Scully is the voice inside his head, has decided to confront Diana. He knocks on her door but there’s no answer, so he breaks in using his lockpick. Sidebar: As Mulder walks down the hallway, it’s pretty obvious that he’s never been there before. He’s even checking the numbers on the doors. I know there’s some out there who’ve speculated that the reason Mulder acted so much like a dick this season was because he was actually having a relationship with Diana. But that’s clearly not the case. I’d bet a million bucks that Mulder never associated with Diana outside of running into her in the FBI hallways. Mulder may have been hung up on her but Scully was always his #1 girl. Even if, at times, he didn’t act like it. Oh! Plus in his dream in The Sixth Extinction: Amor Fati when Mulder’s talking to Diana outside after they, you know… ew, Diana tells him that he needs to become a father and he says something like he’s only slept with her the one time. And Mulder thought that all was really happening. So, yeah. He never had sex with Diana. I mean, he did before of course. Years ago. But not since she came back. Moving on. ["Clearly, he didn't rattle her nymphomaniac bones, then." - raceguy] So Mulder breaks into her apartment. No lights are on and he goes into her bedroom, looking through her drawers and only finding cigarettes (Because she’s evil!) and lingerie (Because she’s a whore!). He sniffs the panties, makes a face like he’s going to puke and throws them back into the drawer. The apartment door opens and Mulder pulls out his gun. CSM enters, lights a cig, walks into Diana’s bedroom and right in front of Mulder’s gun. Mulder quips about the interesting company CSM keeps. CSM snarks about Mulder’s lingerie fetish. Mulder tells him that Diana’s panties are foul. Mulder calls him ” C.G.B.”, says they he knows his game and he’s “got nothing to lose.” Except his life. And Scully. But you know, besides those two things he’s got nothing to lose. CSM remarks how he’s been in front of Mulder’s gun before and he was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. Mulder cocks the gun. CSM then pulls the old Manipulation Card out of his back pocket and tells Mulder he came to Diana’s apartment because he was looking for Spender. LIAH! He says that Spender has betrayed him and chosen to believe in Mulder’s cause. “That presumes my cause is wrong.” CSM tells him it is. Mulder starts yelling. “I’m not the one using innocent people — innocent WOMEN — as lab rats, trying to create a hybrid — an alien/human hybrid — so that I might save my own SORRY ASS when they finally come knocking…” I think Mulder has finally figured out who was behind Scully’s abduction. Bravo, my friend. Bravo. It only took you four years. I think he deserves a promotion to Captain Obvious. CSM smiles but Mulder doesn’t think it’s funny. CSM tells him that Bill Mulder was against it too and then we’re treated to flashbacks of the 70’s Syndicate in that air base hangar. CSM blah blahs about the State Department and 1947 and Roswell. WE KNOW! Bill Mulder was against allying with the alien colonists. Then Mulder and CSM go back in forth about who was saving who and how they postponed invasion and Mulder berates him for giving their families to the aliens like they were objects. CSM blah blahs about the alien DNA and the hybrid program and the vaccine, which was Bill Mulder’s idea. CSM continues to bore us to death with talk of the virus and the bees and how they’re going to hand over Cassandra. Colonization will start. Mulder stands up. “You stop it… or everyone dies,” Mulder says rather weakly. CSM says that he’s going to live. Then CSM manipulates Mulder by saying that the only way he’ll live and see his sister again is by joining his cause. What a liar. He knows Samantha is dead. At least I think so. But I highly doubt at this point 1013 knew Samantha was running around in the starlight. ["Of course not. They probably didn't know until they were writing the last five minutes of Closure." - raceguy] Anyways, CSM hands him a piece of paper. “Save her. Save yourself.” Then he leaves. Ok, sidebar: I’ve been racking my brain over the identity of “her”. He could mean Diana because that’s whose apartment they’re sitting in. But CSM has got to know that Mulder and Diana have no relationship, right? So could he be talking about Scully? She’s the only legitimate “her” in Mulder’s life and CSM knows that. But maybe he was talking about Diana. I can’t figure it out. I want to go with Scully because that’s what makes me happy. But in all likelihood he was talking about Diana.

Syndicate Office in NYC. Spender walks in but it’s empty except for sexy, sexy Krycek. ["He's so evilly hot that even Al Gore wants to kill him." - raceguy] Apparently he’s just been sitting in the corner, sulking. Or something. Krycek’s like, “If you’re looking for your dad, you’re too late. They skipped town.” Spender’s all, “But they’ve been here for 50 years! Since 1947! Since Roswell!” Krycek: “You’re not getting this. They’ve gone to West Virginia. The grey midgets are going to pick them up and give them hybrid genes. Oh, except your daddy. He’s getting your mother.” Spender: “He can’t get to her. I’ve got her guarded.” Krycek: “I think you’ve seriously mistaken your place in the chain of command. He’s already had doctors looking at her and they’re probably about to leave right now.” Spender high tails it outta there.

Frank Spotnitz: So Cassandra is returned and the rebels attack. What then?

Chris Carter: How about colonization will begin once the aliens know she exists?

Frank Spotnitz: Sounds good. So what then happens to Cassandra?

Chris Carter: The Consortium can decide to give Cassandra to the aliens to start colonization. So they can save themselves at the expense of everyone else.

Frank Spotnitz: What are we gonna do with the mytharc once the Syndicate’s plans are finished? I thought the invasion wasn’t happening until 2012?

Chris Carter: Um… I don’t know. Maybe the Consortium should just kill Cassandra to prevent colonization.

Frank Spotnitz: Then how should we wrap up the rebels plotline? The fans are gonna want answers. Hmm. We should at least give out some new information about the mytharc. Something involving Samantha, maybe? How about we explain the mutated virus and the bees?

Chris Carter: Who cares about that? The movie doesn’t count.

Frank Spotnitz: …

Chris Carter: I think I need to roll another fatty.

Frank Spotnitz: …

The Southern Oracle’s Hospital Room. A doctor comes in with a needle. EW! OMG! Somebody hold me! Cassandra starts spazzing, as one would, and they sedate her while she’s calling them “bastards.” Then CSM, “The Biggest Bastard Of All”, walks in. The doctor leaves. Cassandra says how nobody ever questions CSM’s authority even though he’s a coward. CSM doesn’t want to talk about the past, he wants to talk about the future. Cassandra’s like, “Well that’s good because you stole my past.” CSM isn’t going to defend himself, but they’re here now alive because of what he’s done. For many years Cassandra didn’t understand. “I know it now. Only now. It was you. G’mork.” It was never CSM’s intention to harm her. He wanted to save her and Spender. Cassandra says that he can never save Spender because he knows what CSM’s done to her. “There’s only one way to save him. Only one thing you must do. You have to kill me. I must be sucked into the Nothing. That’s how the story goes.” CSM can’t do it. Cassandra says that she must die or “they all die.” CSM runs out of there.

Diana’s Apartment Of Punks Named Mulder. So Mulder’s just sitting there, looking dejected. Diana “I’m Loyal! Pinky Swear!” Fowley walks in and Mulder scares her. He apologizes. She wants to know what “Fox” is doing. “Nothing. Not a damn thing. I came here looking for evidence. Evidence that you’d lied to me — that you had loyalties other than to me or to the X-Files.” Nothing could be further from the truth, “Fox”! Except, the exact opposite of that. “I didn’t find anything. But your panties reek, Diana. You should see a doctor about that smell. Something found me, though. Fate. Destiny. Kismet. Divine will. Providence. Karma. Lady Luck. Whatever it’s called when you realize that your choices were already made and you can do nothing except sit in the dark like a gutless wonder.” Diana would like “Fox” to tell her what happened. “CSM came here, which I should be suspicious of but I’m just going to put that out of my mind, looking for Spender because he’s taken up my cause that is futile. Worthless. Hopeless. Hollow. Trivial. Nugatory. Otiose.” Diana wants to know why his cause is futile. “Because there’s nothing to be done. I have to accept that the only way the people I love are going to survive is if I give up. Because I’m a pussy. Like my father.” Mulder hands her a piece of paper that reads: El Rico Air Force Base. “That’s where it begins. That’s where we need to be if we want to survive at the expense of the rest of the world and everything I’ve worked for during the past six years.” Diana then kisses Mulder and hugs him. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Then the camera reveals the typical conspiratorial expression on Diana’s face. Sidebar: Why didn’t Mulder get on the phone and call Scully immediately after his conversation with CSM? Why sit around and wait for Diana to come home? Why? Because he’s a punk.

Fort Marlene. Spender enters his mother’s room but she’s gone. He’s upset. Then Marita CovaCrackWhore comes in and asks Spender to help her because “they” are going to leave her there. Spender is freaked out and tells her to stay away from him. Marita says that the Syndicate’s packing up house and they’re not coming back. She tells him that she knows him and she can help him. Spender begs to differ. Ah, but Marita knows where they’re taking his mother and how. Then she tells Spender she’ll “do anything” for twenty bucks.

Fort Marlene’s CryoLab Where Scully Found The Frozen Alien Fetus And Still Refused To Believe. A Random Doctor comes in and takes the alien fetus from one container and puts it in another. The same big nurse with big gray hair that ignored Mulder earlier, has walked in and RD is not happy to see her. “Shut the door. This is a highly sensitive area. Get back. You’re at high risk of contamination. Leave the room.” Well, apparently this nurse isn’t really a woman. I guess this particular Rebel Without A Face has seen Mrs. Doubtfire one too many times. The RWAF starts choking RD because I guess he left his trusty torch at home. RD rips the “nurse’s” face off. A few seconds later, NotRD walks out of the lab.

Diana’s Hallway Of Mulder Getting Some Sense Knocked Into His Head. Mulder and Diana walk out of her apartment. Mulder’s calling Scully, who’s driving.

Mulder: Hey Scully, it’s me.

Scully: I was just dialing you. Weird how that happens, huh? So… where are you?

Mulder: Uh… I’m, uh…with, uh… Diana.

Scully: Oh, really? I’m coming to get you. Right now.

Mulder: No. We’re betraying mankind and you’re coming with us.

Scully: I don’t think so. I’m taking you to Cassandra.

Mulder: Cassandra’s gone.

Scully: I know where she is.

Mulder: It’s no use, Scully. We have to give up. It’s the only way. Woe is me.

Scully: MULDER, I DID NOT JOIN YOUR QUEST AND FOLLOW YOU FOR SIX YEARS JUST SO YOU COULD PUNK OUT NOW! I’M GOING WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR WHINY ASS!

Mulder: Where are you going?

Scully: The Potomac yards because they’re taking her by train car.

Mulder: How do you know that?

Scully: Well, besides the fact that a train is the Syndicate’s favorite mode of transportation, Spender called me.

Mulder hangs up and tells Diana to go ahead without him. She asks Mulder what Scully said but, interestingly, he doesn’t tell her. He just says that this is his and Scully’s last chance to stop the Syndicate. He walks down the hall. “It’s because of my hoo hoo, isn’t it?” Diana calls after him.

Potomac Yards. Scully’s driving(!) her and Mulder alongside Cassandra’s train. Mulder tells her to turn around. Scully whips a U-turn and pulls in front of the train. Then our heroes get in front of their car, pull out their guns and shoot at the train. They’re firing off rounds and one hits the window of the conductor (if that’s what he’s called) and the train puts on the brakes. Mulder grabs Scully and they jump off the tracks right before the train plows into their car. This show really was awesome at times, wasn’t it? Then the project doctors in the train are all like, “What’s going on?” Then we see NotRD mingling with the doctors and Cassandra’s gurney.

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* I really don’t see how we’re going to explain all this. *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* Why don’t the rebels just destroy the Consortium? You know? Burn them up with their torches. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Really? What about the clones and the virus and the bees and the hybrids? *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* With the Consortium dead and gone, so is the conspiracy. Then we don’t have to explain anything. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Then what are we going to do with the mytharc? *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* I don’t know. I’ll think about that later. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* But we’ll need something to distract the fans from noticing that we’re not actually revealing any answers. *passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales* Let’s make it a reunion show. We’ll bring back Krycek and Marita. We can have Mulder and Scully fight over Diana. Cancer Man can blah blah about Roswell and 1947. Then the rebels can burn up the Consortium. How do we get Mulder and Scully back on the X-Files? *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Well, we gotta keep CSM alive. Hey! I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we have CSM shoot Spender in the face? *passes*

Chris Carter: …

Frank and Chris: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

El Rico Air Base. The Syndicate has gathered with their families.

Potomac Yards. The Skinman has come to get Mulder and Scully. Mulder says that their lives are in danger and they don’t have much time. Skinner’s like, “You couldn’t tell me that over the phone?” Mulder wouldn’t have wanted to create “mass panic” if they had been overheard. Skinner’s all, “Would you get to the point?” Onward to El Rico Air Base!

El Rico Air Base. A jeep pulls up and the doctors, CSM and Cassandra unload. Doug tells CSM that they waited to send their communication. Rocko says they were worried that something had happened. CSM tells them that they were shot at. Rocko asks who. CSM says he doesn’t know but the way he says it, it makes me think that he may have an idea. CSM looks around. “We have people missing. Where’s Alex Krycek?”

Fort Marlene. Krycek gets into the CryoLab and finds the empty alien fetus container. He spazzes. Later, he’s walking down the hall and Spender calls over to him. He’s standing in the doorway of one of the hospital rooms. Spender’s trying to get out of there but they won’t recognize his authority to release a patient. Krycek’s like, “What are you talking about?” Spender opens the door wider and Krycek is shocked to see Marita CovaCrackWhore. Spender tells him that CSM messed her up and she wants to tell her story. Krycek calls Spender a “sorry son of a bitch” and says that the rebels are going to win. “They took it.” Spender doesn’t know what he’s talking about. But Krycek and Marita exchange knowing looks. Krycek then walks away. Marita runs after him. “I’ll do anything you want for twenty bucks! How about ten? Ten dollars, Alex! I’ll take real good care of you. Ok, five?”

El Rico Air Force Base Hangar Of A Burned Up Mytharc. Diana “My Hoo Hoo Is” Fowley pulls up in her car. Her and CSM get out. Wasn’t he just there? So he left and met Diana somewhere? Whatever. A bright light appears at the end of the hangar and the doors begin opening. The elders start freaking out because they haven’t phoned the aliens and this is not how it’s supposed to happen. CSM and Diana get back in the car and drive off. The Rebels Without Faces encircle the Syndicate and their families. The Syndicate and their families are then torched.

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales**passes*

Chris Carter: *exhales**passes*

Kersh’s Office Of Inappropriately Over-Emphasized Words. Kersh is looking at the photos of the burnt Syndicate. He’s kind of upset. Mulder, Scully and Spender are sitting in chairs in front of his desk. Skinner is standing behind Mulder and Scully. Both literally and figuratively! Kersh offers some sympathies to Spender for his mother. But that’s not what why Spender asked for the meeting. He feels responsible for those deaths “in no small way” and he didn’t prevent them. “I can assume then you can explain how they died? Because I have yet to hear any explanation.” Spender thinks Mulder and Scully can explain it and they may have prevented those deaths. “Agents Scully and Mulder have been suspended by the FBI.” That was Spender’s fault. Spender tells Kersh that he should do everything he can to get Mulder and Scully back on the X-Files because far worse will happen. He then gets up and Kersh demand to know where he’s going. Spender says he’s going to pack up his office. “Agent Spender…” Spender pats Mulder on the shoulder and then leaves. I guess he got over those Mulder-induced inferiority complex issues. “You have answers now? Why didn’t I hear about those answers before?” Mulder’s always had answers. “Then why didn’t we hear about them?” Because nobody would listen to Mulder. “Who burned those people?” Mulder then says that the Syndicate burned themselves by sleeping with the enemy, and not Julia Roberts’ husband from that movie, only to awaken another enemy: Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz. “What the hell does that mean?” Mulder says that “it means the future is here, and all bets are off.” That certainly describes the state of the mytharc. “Agent Scully, make some sense.” Scully wouldn’t bet against Mulder.

Basement Office That Was Once Lush And Now Home To A Man About To Be Crispified. Spender walks in to find CSM sitting at the desk looking at that picture of himself and Bill Mulder that apparently had burned up in the teaser during Mulder’s voice over. He tells CSM to get out. CSM tells him about the picture and about how that other man was Mulder’s father. “He was a good man… a friend of mine… who betrayed me in the end.” Spender doesn’t want to hear CSM’s babbling about the good ole days and he knows enough about him to hate him. “Your mother was right. I came here hoping otherwise.” CSM takes out a gun from the drawer and stands up. “Hoping that my son… might live to honor me… …like Bill Mulder’s son.” CSM then raises the gun and shoots Spender in the face. He puts the gun back into his coat and leaves.

Chris Carter: *exhales* This is some good shit right here. *passes*

Frank Spotnitz: *exhales* Oh, yeah. *passes*

---

Recap by Bolissa

Recap by Bolissa

I’d like to start this off with a Shout Out to everybody in the Season 6 Topic Thread over at TWoP. Including, but not limited to, Namarie, Mack the Spoon, cheeriogirl, ism, louloublu and Starbucket ["Woooo! Shout Out!... Oh, wait. Never mind." - raceguy]. It’s great how we can all put our heads together because that’s the only way to make some sense of this show.

Previously on The X-Files: Deep Throat told Scully about the “original tissue” and she found the Purity dead alien baby frozen in a tube at Fort Marlene. Mulder saw the hybrids sleeping in tanks of water and realized the government had been doing alien hybrid experiments since World War II. Scully stood in a train car with the Fat Mafia Elder and remembered being tested on. CSM to Spender: “Who’s your daddy?” And it was CSM himself. The Aliens Without Faces burned up a whole lot of abductees and some Project Doctors. Scully watched as Cassandra Spender was lifted out of her wheelchair and into an alien spaceship.

So we open up on some nefarious persons performing some tests and whatnot on an unknown patient. But who am I kidding? We all know it’s Cassandra. They laser her belly, she bleeds green and then immediately heals. The doctors give each other Fortuitous Glances.

Potomac Yard. Arlington, Virginia. Random Project Doctor greets Dr. Openshaw. RPD congratulates Openshaw and tells him that his work has been completed. Openshaw steps into the train car and holds Cassandra’s hand. “25 years… she must seem like an old friend,” RPD says. I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t put old friends through hideous experiments. New friends, maybe. But not old ones. Anyways, the doctors are all going to Hooters to celebrate and RPD asks Openshaw to join them. He passes. Outside, RPD is attacked by a Rebel Without A Face and then it burns up the doctors who were waiting in the parked van. RWAF walks into the traincar and attacks Openshaw. Then RWAF gives Cassandra the once-over.

Credits. Oh, that’s right. This is the ep filled with CSM’s one-sided conversation called Exhausting Exposition. Why do I recap mytharc episodes? Why?! ["Because they're more snarktacular than standalones?" - raceguy]

Office Of CSM: Caustic Statements of Malevolence. So, CSM is talking to somebody. We all know who it is but for the sake of the BIG REVEAL at the end that was SO SHOCKING to everyone watching this show, I’ll not say who. CSM is telling his life story: blah “this is the end” blee “the secret we kept to well” blah blee “perfect conspiracy with an alien race” blee blah “prepare the way for their invasion” blee blee blah “create slave race of alien/human hybrids” blah blah blee “kept secret for over 50 years” blee “Roswell” blah “kept secret from men like Fox Mulder” BLEE?! “rebel alien race come to destroy them” blah blee blah “my own son chosen betrayal” blahbity blee BLEEEEEEEEEEE. ["Skinnercakes." - raceguy]

Basement Office That Was Once Lush But Now Has A Weasel Infestation. The Skinman has come down to chat with Spender. Spender’s been working on a progress report for the X-Files. Skinner was under the impression there hadn’t been any progress. Oh, SNAP! Spender says that “it’s been slow going.” Hmm. “Slow going”? Like putting your cases through paper shredders? That kind of thing? Skinner then lays into Spender on how he isn’t supposed to be making any progress and that he doesn’t even care about the X-Files, besides his mother’s abduction. Spender’s all, “alleged.” That’s what brought Skinner down to the basement.

Potomac Yard. We’re treated to scenes similar to the ones from that last two-parter with Cassandra. I can only remember one was called The Red and the Black. I can’t think of the other one right now and I’m too lazy to check. But you know what I’m talking about. ["Patient X, for those of you playing along with this week's installment of Name That Bad Episode." - raceguy] There are bodies in yellow bags and general law enforcement running around, as well as medical staff. Skinner takes Spender into a train car, where Skinner tells him basically what happened in the teaser. Then Skinner tells him that his mother was found alive. “Where is she?” Skinner tells him that she’s outside. Not that I don’t love the Skinman and all, but why didn’t he take Spender to his mother immediately? Why waste his time yapping about doctors burnt to a crisp when Spender doesn’t care about that “mumbo jumbo”? So Spender runs outside and over to an ambulance where an EMT is taking care of Cassandra. He asks her what happened and he gets a little choked up when he says that he thought he’d never see her again. She tells him not to cry. Spender wants to know where she’s been and who did this to her. Cassandra needs to speak to someone. “You can tell me.” Sorry, sonny. She needs Mulder. Spender then channels Jan Brady and is all, “Mulder, Mulder, Mulder!” and stomps away from the ambulance. He tells Skinner that he doesn’t want Mulder talking to his mother because he’s forbidden from the X-Files. Skinner says she asked for him. “She’s my mother!” Spender whines. “My daddy doesn’t love me! My mom is a crazy freakshow! And everyone compares me to Mulder! WAAAH!” Spender just wants to know what happened to his mother and why. Skinner tells him to use every resource available. Spender says that he’ll send him a progress report. Oh, SNAP!

For crying out loud, when are we gonna get to Scully?

Office Of CSM: Cumbersome Spiel of Malice. He’s still yapping away at… somebody. “My son refused to believe” blah “I schemed to put him in charge of the X-Files” blee “Fox Mulder had amassed so much evidence” blah blee “when he did come to believe” blee blah “he turned, not to me” blah blee blah “but to the man I ruined” blee “the man I’d chosen for him to replace” blahbity blah HA HA! ["Maritacakes." - raceguy]

Gym Basketball Court. Mulder’s playing with some guys and he’s wearing a Knicks t-shirt with the sleeves torn off so he can show off his muscles. Mulder makes a basket and then sees Scully walk in the gym. Finally! He’s gazing at Scully until some dude calls him “Milk” and “Homestyle” to get his attention. Mulder gets this look on his face, grabs the ball, pivots, and scores a basket. “Game.” The other guys are not happy about this. But Mulder is pleased that he got to show off his manly self for Scully. ["Now why can't he show off his, uh, "manly self" for the rest of us?" - raceguy]

Mulder: Thank God you’re here, Scully. Now the episode can start without anymore exposition.

Scully: …

Mulder: …

Mulder and Scully: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mulder calls Scully “Homegirl” and asks what’s up. Scully tells Mulder she thinks he cheated and that he’s not coming into work today. Mulder says that he’s got game. Scully thinks he’s got so much game he ain’t got much work left. “No, I’m ready to J-O-B just not on some jagoff shoeshine tip.” Scully smiles and she doesn’t quite get what Mulder’s saying. Mulder smiles. “No background checkin’ jagoff shoeshine tip.” They smile some more. Sidebar: Appreciate this scene while it lasts, people. Because when One Son comes around, there will be no more smiles. And I’m including the viewers in that as well. Anyways, Scully tells Mulder that someone’s been trying to reach Mulder about an X-File and they want him back at the FBI “ASAP.”

FBI Bullpen Of Jagoff Shoeshine Tips. Mulder walks in and finds Spender sitting at his desk. Mulder offers to shove some of his work down Spender’s throat. Spender was writing him a note.

Dear Mulder,

Suck it!

Yours Truly,

Spender

P.S. Could you talk to my mother?

Anyways, so Spender tells Mulder that his mama wants to talk to him. Mulder didn’t hear the magic word. “Look, Agent Mulder I’m not going to get down on my knees here.” Insert your own joke here. ["Okay. Uh, 'not for you. Krycek, sure. Skinner, maybe. But not you.'" - raceguy] Mulder wants to know if Spender has come gravelling at his feet for assistance. Spender’s mother has been gone for almost a year! She was found in a traincar! She’s been operated on! Her doctors were burned alive! He wants the truth! But he can’t handle the truth! “The truth is out there, Agent Spender.” Clunk. “Maybe you should find it for yourself.” Spender walks away. They are twelve year olds.

St. Mark’s Medical Center. Openshaw is lying in a plastic tube, semi-crispy fried. CSM approaches him. Openshaw tells him that “Cassandra is a success.” CSM is shocked and he’s not very happy about this news. The rebels spared Cassandra to expose their work. Openshaw says that “she’s the key to everything” and that Cassandra “must be terminated.” CSM looks kind of sad about that. Openshaw says that he will be questioned. CSM apologizes and then turns his oxygen off. “A man should never live long enough to see his children or his work destroyed,” Openshaw says. Then he dies. Well at least he didn’t have to sit through any exposition.

Silver Springs, Maryland. Ok, so I guess this dude is named Second Elder. But what kind of a name is that? Let’s call him Pete. So Pete’s sitting in his massive house and CSM calls him to tell him about the rebels, the burned up doctors and the loss of Dr. Openshaw. CSM is calling a Syndicate meeting immediately. Pete will be on a plane. After he hangs up there’s a knock at his door, and look! It’s Dr. Openshaw. Except, we all know he’s an alien. Pete opens the door for NotOpenshaw because he’s an idiot, then he decides to grab NotOpenshaw’s face and said face peels off. Is that normal? I mean, the alien bounty hunters could shapeshift and all, but I don’t think you could rip their faces off. Right? But seeing as how these aliens are completely different, let’s just go with this. So, NotOpenshaw was really a Rebel Without A Face and he burns up Pete.

FBI Bullpen Of Whiny Babies Named Mulder. Scully walks in and she’s surprised to see Mulder there. “Where did you expect to find me?” Didn’t Spender offer you an X-File? “It wasn’t exactly an offer.” Isn’t this the opportunity you’ve been waiting for? “An opportunity made to order for the powers that be.” It’s a setup? “This is exactly the kind of mistake they’ve been waiting for to come down on me full force.” Didn’t Spender personally ask you? “Not exactly. He left me a note and told me to ’suck it.’ I’m never going to help him! Never!” Scully notices that Mulder’s looking at the pictures of the burned up bodies from the teaser. Scully tells Mulder that they’ve seen this before and then reminds everyone that she was with Cassandra when she was taken on that spaceship. Or, as Scully says it “when she disappeared.” Scully also reminds us of when she was under hypnosis and reached out for Mulder to hold her hand, even though she had no idea he was there. Because they’re soulmates! They’re cosmically connected! “I was taken to one of those train cars. I was tested, just like Cassandra. What if what she tells us could expose who did this to me? Mulder, Agent Spender doesn’t have to know.” Mulder looks at her and thinks that maybe that’s a good idea. Sidebar: Don’t they know by now that it was CSM behind Scully’s abduction? I mean, come on! It’s not really that hard to figure out.

Hospital. We’re greeted with a close up of something green and slimy. It’s jello. And Cassandra’s eating it. Do you get it? Do you? Are you sure? Should I explain it? Well, I’m not going to because there’s enough explaining going on in this episode and if I have to resort to explaining the green jello, I’ll kill myself. A random female agent is sitting with Cassandra in the room. Her haircut is terrible. Scully walks in and Cassandra is really excited. Scully hugs her. Scully tells Agent BadHaircut that she and Cassandra are “old friends.” Scully says to Cassandra that she’ll get a wheelchair and then they can go outside. Cassandra stands up and says that she doesn’t need a wheelchair. Scully looks down and Cassandra wiggles her toes. Then she dances a jig. Cassandra would like a cigarette and she skips out of the room. As Cassandra dances down the hall, Agent BadHaircut stares at her and Scully suspiciously. Cassandra babbles to Scully how she just loves walking again, the doctors can’t explain it and she can’t tell them the reason because they’d just think she’s crazy. She’s only going to tell somebody she can trust and who will do something about it. She was hoping that Mulder had come with Scully. Scully tells her that she’s got a surprise for her.

Cassandra walks into a storage room, with Scully coming in behind her and shutting the door. Mulder peeks around a shelf. Cassandra is so excited she thinks she might pee the floor. Mulder just sort of laughs nervously and tells her not to do that. She gives him a hug. Mulder is amazed that Cassandra can walk. “I told you about their power. You said you didn’t believe it.” Mulder had his reasons to doubt that alien bologna then because he was in the middle of his Season 5 Crisis Of Faith and he was consumed with guilt over Scully’s cancer. “You just doubted yourself,” Cassandra tells him kindly. “You were just doubting you’d ever see her again, weren’t you?” Mulder looks at Scully. I think he thought Cassandra was talking about her. Right? Because when Cassandra was taken, Scully was with her. Does that make sense? Well, in my head it does. And that’s all that matters. Then Cassandra tells him that she meant his sister. Scully tells Cassandra that Mulder saw his sister in Redux II. That Samantha was fake. Well, of course she was. You’d think Mulder would’ve figured that out by now. But he always believes CSM. Even though a certain dead informant told him to “trust no one.” Mulder asks Cassandra where his sister is. Oh, man. Cassandra says that she’s “up there” with the aliens. Oh, really? She’s “up there”? So Cassandra saw Samantha running around in the starlight? That’s interesting. Scully asks Cassandra about the doctors and she says that it was the aliens who cured her. She’s all, “Remember last year when I said that I was the Southern Oracle and I had to help Atreyu find out the reason the Childlike Empress was dying? Well, I was wrong. The aliens don’t love us after all. They’re going to wipe us off the planet with a virus called the Nothing and then Bastian will never be able to give the Empress a new name.” Mulder translates and tells Scully that she means the black oil. Scully asks about the burned doctors and Cassandra tells them the rebel aliens are behind that. They’ve mutilated their faces so they won’t be infected with the virus. All it takes to have the virus infect you is open orifices? Then why did those black oil worms squirm into that boy’s feet in Fight the Future? So if your eyes, nose and mouth are sewn shut the oil takes no effect? Well that’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The greys must not be that smart if that’s the best they could come up with. Scully asks Cassandra why she couldn’t tell Spender. Apparently, Spender’s life is in danger from the rebel aliens because he’s in on the conspiracy with the same men who experimented on her and Scully. Mulder asks her if she knows the men. One of them is her ex-husband.

Office of CSM: Clamorous Saga of Mordancy. The conversation continues: “Cassandra was beginning to realize” blah “the key to all of our plans” blee “it’s Cassandra I should’ve killed” blee blah “I couldn’t kill the mother of my own son” blah blee “my colleagues never knew” blah blee blah “rebels already held the upper hand” blee blah blee “infiltrate our group” blahbity blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. ["Spendercakes." - raceguy]

Syndicate Office in NYC. Alex “Ratboy” Krycek is in da house! ["Holla!" - raceguy] Apparently, he’s back under the Syndicate’s thumb. Or maybe it’s the other way around. I really don’t think they want him running loose. He knows too much. Krycek is showing the elders slides of the burn victims. He and Mulder both rock projection screens? That’s interesting. Krycek’s fake arm is holding a piece of paper. Krycek is telling the men that the Rebels Without Faces destroyed their project facilities in the Southwest and their medical staff in Arizona are all dead. Dr. Openshaw’s death won’t help the alien/human hybrid work. First Elder, let’s call him Doug, wants to know what the rebels want. CSM says they want to expose the Syndicate. Third Elder, let’s call him Rocko, thinks that some “hot-shot reporter” or law enforcement will put the pieces together. CSM says that they have control over the federal agencies and that “their new man at the FBI”, Spender, can divert attention. NotPete says that maybe they should side with the rebels. CSM stares at NotPete. Doug thinks it’s an option. Krycek then babbles about “resistence is futile” blah “you voted against men like Bill Mulder” blee “stall colonization” blah blee “developing an alien/human hybrid” blah blee blah “ensures your survival” blah. ["Syndicatecakes. SyndiCakes?" - raceguy] “As slave laborers for the aliens,” NotPete says. CSM and Krycek eye NotPete suspiciously. Krycek then blows the lid on their secret work on a vaccine. CSM: “Shut your piehole, Alex!” CSM then tells NotPete that they’ve been working on this for 50 years, since Roswell. WE KNOW! Is anything new going to be revealed here? You’re just going to rehash everything? CSM then says that they can’t sacrifice themselves for every new threat.

Basement Office That Was Once Lush But Now Has Agent Spender’s And Diana’s Name On The Door Even Though Scully Never Got Her Name On The Door In The Six Years She Was Down There And If Diana Has Her Very Own Desk I Really Will Kill Myself. So our heroes break into the office and head on over to their old desk. I don’t see another desk in there, so I think I’ll be fine. Mulder sits down at the computer and looks for “Spender” in the information directory. Special Agent Dana “Smart Is Sexy” Scully asks Mulder why they should risk getting caught there and Mulder says that their own computers will be monitored, they have to access files and they’ve got a “name that’ll raise flags.” Two people come up on the screen, with pictures. “Spender, Jeffrey #10487: Severe abandonment issues and an inferiority complex” ["Oh. So he's seen Mulder naked, too? Am I the only person alive who hasn't?" - raceguy] and “Spender, Cassandra #53934: Claimed of being continuously abducted by aliens, of being the Southern Oracle and is afraid of being sucked into the Nothing.” Scully thinks it’s possible that the crazy freakshow Cassandra was making up that crap about her ex-husband. Mulder types something on the computer and then we see CSM’s picture, “Spender, C.G.B.” and there’s no information available. Mulder and Scully exchange a look and Mulder says “Smokey’s got a name.” WE KNOW! Haven’t we known forever that CSM was Spender’s dad? From last season at least? Enter the Skinman (That’s the name of my new band, by the way). He tells them to shut off the computer and hand over anything they printed out. “Let’s go, Agents. They’re coming.” Mulder and Scully get up and they move out into the hall to be greeted by Spender and his Posse of Random Agents. Who are all probably in love with Scully. I mean, come on. Who wouldn’t be? Every guy in that building is at least infatuated with her. ["Either her or her adorable haircuit and pantsuit combo." - raceguy] Probably some girls, too. Spender tells Skinner that he assumed he came down to apprehend Mulder and Scully for breaking into his office. He’ll make note of it in the report of their dismissal. Skinner: “…” Mulder: “…” Scully: “…”

CSM’s Office. Spender walks in and sits down next to CSM. He tells CSM that he’s done just as he was told and had Mulder written up. He and Scully should be out of the FBI in no time. Now he would like CSM to do something for him because he thinks he’s entitled to the truth about his mother. “She won’t tell me. She’ll only tell Mulder. I’m SO sick of Mulder! He’s all anybody talks about. ‘Hey, Spooky! Wanna go shoot some hoops?’ ‘That Mulder may be crazy but he sure is a genius!’ ‘His partner is SO hot! I bet they’re doing it. Why else would someone like her have stayed down in the basement? Mulder’s gotta be an animal in the sack!’ Even Diana is all “Mulder this” and “Mulder that”! I can’t stand it!” CSM tells Spender to take a chill pill and says that his mother won’t tell him because he won’t believe her. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know. “I need to know!” CSM tells him that he needs to prove he’s capable of handling the truth. “Don’t try me, old man.” Uh oh. CSM stands up and slaps Spender across the face. That’s gotta hurt the pride a little. CSM tells him that he gave him position and responsibility, the things he couldn’t get for himself and he can’t do the job! Spender says that keeping Mulder down isn’t a job, it’s CSM’s dirty work! Slaaaaaaaaaaaap Part Deux. “You pale to Fox Mulder.” Ooh, somebody get Spender some aloe because that was a burn. CSM leaves the room and then Spender books an appointment with Dr. Melfi to work out his Mulder issues.

Gym Basketball Court. Special Agent Fox “Can You Dig It?” Mulder is shooting hoops by himself. Scully walks in carrying a box. I love the fact that Scully pretty much knows where to find Mulder at any given time. Anyways, she bets that Mulder is curious about ” C.G.B.” Mulder’s still dribbling. “C.G.B. Spender — Cigarette Smoking Man? You know, your arch-nemesis? Are you interested or not?” Mulder keeps dribbling, asks what the initials stand for and then shoots a basket. Scully says that it’s an alias and probably one of hundreds. “Scully, you want to go one-on-one? We got nothing but time now that we’re on administrative leave.” I think Scully may be up for some one-on-one, but only after Diana is dead and out of the way. Anyways, Scully asks him if he’s curious about what she’s got in the box. “I’m more curious about what you’ve got in your pants.” Not really. But you know he was thinking it. Scully dug up everything she could find on him. Mulder tells her that none of it would be accurate or credible and then he shoots another basket. Scully shows him an old picture of Bill Mulder and CSM, apparently arguing in some field. Scully tells him that it was taken in 1973 and they worked together for 25 years in the State Department. “There’s more, if you’re ready.” Mulder nods and appears to be bracing himself. Scully tells him that Cassandra was telling the truth about being his ex-wife and that the first time she was abducted was on November 27, 1973, the same night as Samantha. Scully also tells him that there were doctors’ names connected with CSM and Bill Mulder, including Openshaw. Mulder looks surprised. “The project is still going on.” Sidebar: Doesn’t he know this already? I mean, WE know it. Doesn’t he? Did he or did he not see hybrid bodies in tanks of green-ish water in some government storage facility? Which brings up something else. Cassandra is the first successful alien/human hybrid? But what about the Samantha clones and the Kurt Crawfords? Or Emily? Or those bald doctors who were being killed off by the ABH in Colony? Weren’t they hybrids? Why weren’t they called “successful”? Did they have cavities or something?

Office of CSM: Cruel Scoop of Malignity. He’s still at it. “If Mulder hadn’t known of his father’s history” blah “fueled now with names and dates” blee “I couldn’t stop him” blah blee blee “truth was out there fatally exposed” blee blah blah “one last hope” blee “preserve my legacy” blah dee frickin’ dah. ["Charles Scullycakes." - raceguy]

Downtown Washington. Spender’s waiting on the corner. Is he turning tricks? A dark car pulls up. Oh, my God! He is. Oh, wait. It’s CSM. Nevermind. Spender’s been waiting on the corner, just like his daddy asked and asks CSM if he has a new job for him. CSM says that maybe he was harsh and that he’d like to give Spender a chance. He then gives Spender the Alien Ice Pick. There’s probably a name for it somewhere, but I don’t feel like searching through the fandom to find it. ["Plam. I need a life. Spender, teach ME how to turn tricks." - raceguy]

But you know what I’m talking about. The weapon Mulder found in the lamp and you stab it in the back of the aliens’ necks so that they’ll die. But sometimes they don’t. So I guess it’s hit or miss. Anyways, CSM tells Spender that an enemy has infiltrated their group and he’s disguising himself as Pete. Spender has to kill him with the AIP by stabbing the back of his neck. Spender gets into the back seat and we see that Krycek’s the driver. Mmm. Yummy. ["Gets distracted by thought of Krycek, drools on printout of recap, has to print another one." - raceguy] Ok, sorry. Anyways, Spender opens the AIP and Krycek snaps for Spender to watch where he points it. I’m sorry, but is Krycek an alien? Or does he just not want to be poked? Well, I really don’t think he’s an alien. So, maybe he’s gotten stabbed with one of those things before and it hurt really bad.

Silver Springs, Maryland. Spender walks up to Pete’s house and rings the doorbell. NotPete answers and Spender tells him that CSM sent him there with a message from the group. NotPete asks if they’ve changed their minds about joining the rebels and then he lets Spender inside. They sit in the living room and NotPete asks what the message is. Spender holds up a piece of paper and tells him that it’s a name that should mean something to NotPete. Spender gets up to hand him the paper but then “accidentally” drops it. Spender then attempts to do the Bend and Snap, except with an AIP, but NotPete catches him. Spender rips his face off to reveal the Rebel Without A Face underneath and he’s pretty horrified. It’s a good thing Krycek pops up from behind the chair and stabs him in the neck. Then the green stuff starts oozing out.

Mulder’s Apartment Of Dead Informants And Mysterious Waterbeds. Mulder opens the door for Skinner. He thanks Skinner for coming over, even thought it’s really late and he’s been forbidden to have any contact with him and Scully. Skinner walks in to find Scully sitting on the couch. They told Skinner that Cassandra’s life was in danger. Mulder says that her life’s been in danger for 30 years but now it’s different. She’s in danger from the men who’ve conducted medical experiments on her that was once a “secret government project” and is now a “private global enterprise” to develop alien/human hybrids who will survive when aliens colonize the earth. Skinner asks him if he’s got proof. Mulder says that his #1 girl Scully made all the right connections from Openshaw to his sister, his father and Spender’s father. Skinner’s all, “Spender’s father?” Mulder tells him that’s it’s CSM. Scully backs that up by saying they’ve got evidence. Skinner is surprised. “Well, no wonder that boy’s got issues. Then you believe this, Agent Scully?” Mulder says that although Scully may have a differing opinion as to the purpose of the experiments she does believe that she was experimented on when she was abducted. Skinner wants to know why Scully’s life isn’t in danger if Cassandra’s is. Mulder says that it’s because Cassandra is the final result, “the first successful alien/human hybrid.” Skinner doesn’t understand why her life is in danger if she’s a success. Mulder astutely guesses that the men would rather kill her than allow her to expose them. Skinner says that Cassandra has a 24-hr guard. “Assigned by Agent Spender?” Is it just me, or does it seem like 1013 completely pulled this “first successful alien/human hybrid” thing out of their butts? Fully knowing that it wouldn’t make a difference if this made sense or not because they were just going to destroy the conspiracy anyway? Gah.

Silver Springs, Maryland. Krycek and Spender are watching NotPete’s body ooze and fizzle. Shouldn’t that green stuff be poisoning them? Anyways, Krycek remarks that Spender’s never seen an alien before and it’s so shocking the first time and it undermines your beliefs in everything, until you come to understand. Spender is like, “What the heck are you talking about?” Then Krycek pretends to like CSM by saying what a great man he is because of the sacrifice he’s made for having this knowledge. Spender would like to know about said sacrifice. Krycek’s like, “Oh, you didn’t know? Yeah the reason why your mom was repeatedly taken from you as a kid and the reason she’s such a crazy freakshow is because the government’s been experimenting on her for 25 years. Yeah, your dad is a wonderful guy. I really, really admire him. Really.” Spender is shocked. “I’m protecting her so the experiments can continue?!” Krycek’s like, “Duh. That’s why your dad put you on the X-Files. Mulder had gotten too close to the truth and he had to be put down and controlled. Your dad knew that you’d never be as good as Mulder, so he put you on the X-Files in order to control the investigations. He knew you’d never get anywhere dopwn there and you were just used as his lackey. That’s why he sent you here tonight. To kill this alien dude. It’s to protect the project that completely screwed over your family. I admire him so much. Don’t you? He’s such a great man. You can be a great man, too.” Spender grows some balls and announces that he’ll be his own great man. Then he stomps out of the house and makes another appointment with Dr. Melfi: “I’ve got a whole new bag of issues right now. We can forget about Mulder for awhile.”

Office of CSM: Cloying Speech of Misery. The BIG MYSTERY is about to be revealed! “I’ve trusted no one. Treachery is the inevitable result of all affairs. Every man believes he has his own good reason. I have little doubt of my son’s disloyalty to me. Certainly he led Mulder and Scully to us. His mother must know by now her central role in the grand plan… That’s she’s as much alien as human. Do you wonder why I’ve chosen you? You’ve never betrayed me. Now I need someone to trust.” The camera pans over to… Diana “Screwing Over Both Father And Son” Fowley! Dun dun DUUUUNNNN!!! Egads! Somebody pass me the smelling salts! I’m quite overcome with shock! I might pass out from the sheer incredulity of it! Except, not really. Diana tells CSM that she’ll help him. And if they haven’t already, X-Philes everywhere begin praying for her slow and painful death. ["Were we supposed to not do that the moment we saw her? Because most people didn't get the memo." - raceguy]

Hospital. Spender’s gotten to his mother’s room but she’s gone. Skinner confronts him and Spender asks where his mother is. Skinner would like to know the same thing. Spender’s like, “I had guards here!” Skinner says that nobody was there when he arrived. “He took her!” Then Spender gets on the phone.

Mulder’s Apartment Of Suicides Both Faked And Requested. Somebody’s pounding on Mulder’s door. Mulder looks out the peephole and then looks at Scully. He opens the door and Cassandra runs in, looking frightened. “I can’t believe I found you!” Mulder and Scully ask her how she did find them, how did she get there and how did she get her clothes. She doesn’t answer. There’s somebody pounding on Mulder’s door again. “You cannot let them have me!” She tries to get Mulder’s gun from his holster, but Mulder grabs it from her. “You have to kill me now!” Mulder puts his hand up to put some distance between them. “If you don’t kill me, it all starts. There won’t be any stopping it. The Nothing is coming! If I don’t die, Atreyu will never find the Childlike Empress! Bastian will never be able to give her a new name! He has to be able to run to the window and scream out ‘Moonchild’! If I don’t die, he’ll never be able to ride Falkor down that alley and chase the bullies! I have to die or the Nothing will take over. I AM the Southern Oracle! I am the one! You have to shoot me… Please!” Mulder takes out his gun and points it at Cassandra. Scully practically has a heart attack. “Stand away, Scully. Your weak, feminine self can’t handle me shooting Cassandra in the face. Look away!” Scully tells Mulder that they have to protect her. The pounding on the door continues. Mulder points the gun at Cassandra’s head. Scully: “Mulder!”

To Be Continued!!!

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Recap by Bolissa

Recap by Bolissa

The Cherokee tribe performed rain dances to both induce precipitation and to cleanse evil spirits from the earth. The legend of the tribe holds that the rain summoned contains the spirits of past tribal chiefs who battle evil spirits in the space between our reality and the spirit world. It was also believed that elaborate rain dances could inspire the participants, as well as onlookers, to partake in extreme acts of worship. You will see none of that in this episode.

Kroner, Kansas. Valentine’s Day. We open up to some cheesy Dollar Store Valentine’s card and then we see someone’s hand, with fake nails and whore-ish red nail polish, sign “Love, Sheila XOXOX” on the inside. Wow. A woman of many words. She places the card on top of some gift boxes with red wrapping paper. Hey! It’s that chick from Saturday Night Live. Sheila’s got big blonde hair and is wearing a red negligee. She lights some red candles and she’s watching the home shopping network. She then changes the channel to watch the news and there’s an upcoming story about two pandas in love. We then see the weather report. There’s apparently a drought. Then this redneck dude who sort of looks like Bill Paxton, but not as good-looking, walks in and he starts berating Sheila for announcing their engagement in the paper. Apparently, it was supposed to be a secret. Yeah. Somebody needs to clue this bimbo in. Sheila agrees that money is tight because of the drought, but they shouldn’t put their lives on hold just because it hasn’t rained in awhile. Well, that’s what she basically says. I’m not very good at writing hick-speak, so I’m just going to translate it into regular English. NotBillPaxton thinks they should call off the engagement. On Valentine’s Day. Kick this guy to the curb. Sheila gets upset and tells him that she has a feeling that it’ll rain soon. NotBillPaxton says that he needs time to think. He then looks over at the table and sees an opened box of chocolates and some empty wrappers. “Oh, look at that. And you wonder why your ass is so big.” He then walks out. Classy. NotBillPaxton gets in his car and drives off. Sheila sits on the couch, looking at their engagement announcement and turns on the radio. She surfs the stations until stopping at The Carpenters’ “Rainy Days and Mondays.” NotBillPaxton is listening to the same song in his car. He’s drinking and driving. Ooh, that’s naughty! It then starts raining. We see Sheila sitting on the couch and crying. Hmm. Sitting at home alone, listening to The Carpenters and pigging out on chocolate candy. That’s pretty much like every night at my apartment. So NotBillPaxton… you know what? I’m just going to call him Daryl because we’ve all seen this episode before and we know what his name is. So Daryl is driving in the rain and he’s all excited, then it turns to hail, he loses control of the car and crashes into a pole. Or a tree. Whatever. He’s in pain and then a huge piece of hail knocks him in the head and he passes out. We then see that the hail are huge heart shapes. By the way, The Carpenters are still going strong.

Credits. Jeffrey Bell wrote this episode. He might’ve peaked here, because I don’t know if The Goldberg Variation is necessarily an improvement.

Kroner, Kansas. Six Months Later. A small airplane lands in a dried up field, with nothing around except for a trailer. Mulder and Scully get out of the plane. You wouldn’t get me in one of those tiny planes. Well, unless Mulder was with me. Then I might consider it. Mulder and Scully are greeted by the mayor and his daughter, who’s dressed in a red, white and blue leotard and twirling a baton. She’s also playing music on a boombox. Mulder and Scully exchange a look. “Don’t look at me. This was your idea,” she tells Mulder. They approach the mayor and he greets Mulder, saying that they had spoken on the phone. The mayor then looks at Scully. “If I’d have known you was bringing the missus, I would’ve arranged for fancier accommodations.” Mulder waggles his eyebrows and smiles, but says nothing and looks at Scully. Scully clears the matter up by saying that she’s Mulder’s partner. Potato Potahto. Let’s face it, they’re married. Just not legally. Or sexually. Yet. Anyways, Scully is sure the accommodations will be fine. The mayor shakes her hand and apologizes. Mulder seems pleasantly amused by this. The mayor then thanks them for flying out to Kansas to help them with their crisis and he wishes they could’ve had a bigger welcome. Sidebar: How did they get Kersh to allow this little trip? I mean, he must’ve allowed it since he wasn’t calling them up and chewing them out. But this isn’t domestic terrorism. Well… the baton twirling might be. Anyways, the mayor tells his daughter to stop the show and go find her mother. Scully inquires after the crisis since Mulder hasn’t filled her in on the specific details, as per usual. The mayor says that the drought is ruining everyone’s lives and that it’s not fair for one single man to benefit from it. Apparently, Daryl from the teaser is charging people for rain. He comes to a farm, does a “dog and pony act and the heavens weep.” Scully doesn’t think that’s a crime. The mayor is of the opinion that Daryl’s causing the drought so he can charge for rain. Scully gives Mulder the Look of Death. He tries to look innocent.

Downtown Kroner. Mulder and Scully get out of their Sensible Rental Car and walk down the street. They’re in mid-argument. Mulder gets defensive because Scully apparently accused him of intentionally misleading her. He says that Kroner is “ground zero for extreme weather.” Scully thinks a man controlling the weather is ridiculous. There’s a surprise. Mulder says that if Daryl is controlling the weather for profit, it’s a crime and they should investigate it. Scully thinks the people of this town are so desperate, they’ll look for any scapegoat. Mulder wants to know how many scapegoats lease office space.

Office Of Daryl, The Redneck Rain King. Mulder opens the door for Scully as they walk into the office. At the receptionist’s desk, sits a young woman with curly dark blonde hair, tied half-way pretty high up on her head, and behind her is a huge sign that says “Rain King.” She’s talking on the phone, all perky and with a thick mid-western drawl. Mulder flashes his badge and introduces himself and Scully. Miss Perky holds up her finger and continues telling the poor sap on the phone that Daryl needs a six-pack of beer, a carton of Morley Lights and a bowl of jellybeans, with the green ones picked out. Miss Perky finally hangs up the phone. “Now what can I do for the FBI?” Mulder says they want to see the king, and he slams an Elvis accent on that last part. Daryl’s on business, making it rain in Nebraska. Scully would like a client list. Miss Perky gets defensive and asks them if they need a warrant or a subpoena for that. “Usually we just say please.” I don’t think Scully likes Miss Perky any more than I do. Then Miss Perky starts saying how Daryl is a hero in the community! And he saved her daddy’s farm! How dare Mulder and Scully accuse him! Mulder notices the weather report on the TV and sees it raining in Nebraska. Miss Perky says that’s Daryl working his magic. “Is it possible that he could’ve just followed it up there?” Scully asks. Mulder gives her a look like, “Do you realize how stupid that sounds?” Miss Perky hands over the client list and insists that they’re all satisfied customers. Mulder asks if the TV station is close by.

Television Studio Of Comically (Not Really) Mistaken Identities And Sexy Weather. Sheila, the blonde bimbo from the teaser, runs up to greet Mulder and Scully. “We were beginning to worry that you wouldn’t make it. Is this your first time in a TV studio? How exciting. I couldn’t be happier for the two of you.” Scully goes to interrupt, but Mulder stops her. Sheila then grabs Holman, the weatherman, brings him over to Mulder and Scully and introduces him to “the Gundersons.” Holman shakes their hands, congratulating them and saying that he hopes they “have a truly romantic getaway.” Mulder remains pleasantly silent through all of this. Scully has to pull out her badge and set the record straight. Sheila thought they were the “Watch the Weather and Win” contest winners. It’s to promote good PR with the community because of the drought and all. Then the real Gundersons have arrived. They look kind of older and Mrs. Gunderson is pretty plump. Mulder smiles at Scully and mutters, “It’s like looking in a mirror.” Then Mulder and Scully end up in Holman’s office and they sit together on the couch. Holman says that he thought they looked rather “smartly dressed” for a farm couple. Mulder comments on Kroner’s weird weather. Holman then gets excited and says that although Kroner may look sad and dull, the weather is “sophisticated, complex and… well… sexy.” Scully shoots an eyebrow and Mulder grins at Scully. Oh, would you two just do it already? Holman continues, saying that Kroner is an exciting place for a meteorologist. Scully asks Holman for the 411 on Daryl. Holman doesn’t think that Daryl is causing the drought, the responsible party being a high-pressure system. “Can we go now?” Scully snits at Mulder. Something tells me that Scully wants to get out of hick-ville as soon as possible. Mulder asks Holman about Daryl’s rain. Apparently, that’s a “clouded issue.” Everything on this show is a clouded issue. The mytharc: Aliens, bounty hunters, clones, hybrids, super soldiers and an AlienMiracleBaby. Mulder and Scully: When did the sex actually begin? It’s all a foggy cloud. Like Chris Carter’s office. Anyways, Holman went to high school with Daryl. He’s an ignorant low-life but apparently the rain is genuine. “Where he wanders, showers follow.”

Monroe Farm Of “Cherokee” Crip Dances. Mulder and Scully arrive at what looks like a family picnic. There’s a tent with a table covered in food, lots of people standing around. Scully thinks that they’ll believe anything because they’re desperate. Mulder merely comments on Daryl’s tardiness. Next thing you know, a red truck pulls up with the license plate “RAINKNG.” The farmer family gets all excited. Daryl gets out of the truck and we see he’s missing a leg. Miss Perky, who was with him in the truck, hands him some crutches and he goes over to the tent, sits down and grabs a beer from a cooler. Daryl tries to charm the farmers and he pawns his crutches off on some fool. Miss Perky brings over this huge black case and inside there’s a prosthetic booted leg. He rudely informs her that she brought the wrong boot and to get the red snakeskin. Mulder and Scully approach Daryl and he’s all, “Ooh! Looky here. The FBI.” Scully says they came to see the show but she guesses they came too early. Apparently, Daryl’s truck is faster than the rain clouds. Miss Perky hands Daryl his fake leg and we’re treated to a nice shot of his stump. Mulder asks Daryl to explain his “unique ability.” Daryl says that it’s complicated and he can’t explain it. Because he’s an imbecile. Mulder claims to watch The Weather Channel so he’d like Daryl to try and explain it. Daryl did not ask for this gift nor did he ask to lose his leg. But he’s not surprised because he comes “from a long line of healing people. [He's] a spiritual man, in touch… with the really real. The, the unseen real.” The only real thing about Daryl is that he’s an idiot. Miss Perky then starts playing some generic pop music on the boombox and Daryl starts dancing. Well, I guess you could call it dancing. He can’t really move the fake leg and it just sort of drags. Daryl’s just getting started, though. “And I… am one 64th Cherokee and I can summon up my ancestors to bring water to this thirsty land. Yeah!” I can’t think of any indigenous people who’d want to claim Daryl. I’m sure all those buried Cherokee people are turning over in their graves. Daryl then gets even more into his crip dance, as he claps his hands and hobbles all over the tent. Scully can’t take much more of this and walks away, out from the tent and into the dried up pasture. “Mulder, what are we doing here?” He then starts pulling Native American history out of his butt and blah blahs about “rainmakers” and “Pueblo Indians.” Scully doesn’t think Daryl’s hobbling is a rain dance and her Irish Aunt Olive has got more Cherokee blood than Daryl. “I mean, look at him, Mulder. Does that look like a man who can control the weather?” Then it thunders and starts pouring. The family starts celebrating. Mulder and Scully are getting drenched and as they look over at Daryl, he forms his hands into guns and shoots at them victoriously. Whatever. We all know he’s full of BS.

Television Studio Of One Really Dumb Bimbo. Sheila walks into Holman’s office and sits on his desk while he’s typing on his laptop. She asks him if they’re still going to go to the reunion together on Friday. Holman confirms and calls it “the social event of the decade.” Oh, dear. These people need to get out and see the world. Or at least spend a weekend in the closest big city. I’m not sure what that is, though. Kansas City? But isn’t that in one of the M states? I guess I don’t really know. I live in New York and so all those states in the middle are all kind of the same to me. Sheila remarks on how fast the past twenty years have gone by and then she asks Holman about what Mulder and Scully wanted. He says that they were just asking about Daryl and his rain. “I wish they’d just go back to wherever they came from and leave him alone.” Why? He’s a moron. Holman can’t believe she still loves Daryl after he treated her like crap, he never loved Sheila and he only wanted her money and as soon as he got his own money he dropped her. “But I think he used to love me.” She really is dense. Does she not recall those Valentine’s Day events from the teaser? That was a man in love, I tell ya. Holman tries to drop a hint. “There are other men who would love you more.” Sheila either didn’t hear this or she’s got a really short attention span because all she says is she won’t get any sleep knowing the FBI are “poking around.” Holman is crestfallen.

Cool View Motor Court. It’s really windy outside and and it seems as though a storm is brewing. Scully tosses in her bed before turning on the light. The clock turns 3:08am and then Scully lies back down in bed, clearly irritated at being kept up all night because of the whack weather in this hick town and she’d really like to go home but she’s stuck there because of her “intimacy through co-dependency” issues. We then chung chung over to Mulder’s room, where he’s still up reading newspaper articles about Kroner’s weird weather. As the storm gets worse, Mulder gets up and looks out the window. He then sees a cow lifted off the ground and fly through the air. Mulder looks up at the ceiling and he can hear the mooing of the cow grow louder. He dives out of the way just as the cow comes crashing through the ceiling. Got milk? Mulder was in his boxer shorts, ya’ll. Just wanted to mention it.

Next Morning. Scully’s in Mulder’s motel room, checking out the hole in the ceiling. Some dude with a chainsaw suggests that she leave unless she wants to be covered in hamburger. Scully walks out and then is greeted by a motel employee who tells her that they’ve moved her “boyfriend’s” things into her room. Special Agent Dana “Queen of Denial” Scully says that Mulder’s just her partner and that they prefer separate rooms. I somehow doubt that. Mulder seems really at home whenever he’s hanging out in her motel rooms or in Arcadia when Mulder accused Scully of wanting to “play house,” it was him who wanted to play house. Anyways, the lady calls Scully “old fashioned” and tells her that they’re booked full because of the reunion. Looks like Mulder and Scully will be sharing a bed, then. Offscreen, of course. Scully walks over to Mulder, who’s arm is being mended by a doctor. He’s been cut or something. “Scully, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that a cow gets hurled at me just as we’re down here investigating the weather.” Scully then starts checking his scalp and head, asking Mulder if he was checked out for head trauma. Scully just wanted an excuse to run her fingers through Mulder’s hair. And I don’t blame her. Because he looks really hot here. He’s got this gray-blue t-shirt on and it’s pretty tight. Mmm. He’s looking good. Ok, I’ll stop. Mulder is adamant that the cow had his name on it. Holman has arrived and he looks really sorry about what happened to Mulder. He says he feels terrible and if Mulder needs anything, to just ask. Scully would like Holman to explain to Mulder that what happened with the cow wasn’t anything paranormal. Holman then comments that a mini-twister picked the cow up. Now the Sheila Bimbo has arrived. She’s crying and a lot of mascara is streaming down her face. That’s what happens when you apply half a tube every morning. Holman runs over to her and tells her that she shouldn’t be there. She comes over to Mulder and Scully, telling them that this is her fault.

Scully’s Motel Room Of Depressing Memories, Freaky Hand Kissing And Awakening Epiphanies. So Sheila’s sitting on Scully’s bed, crying her eyes out. Scully holds a box of tissues and Mulder sits across from Sheila as the doctor fixes up Mulder’s arm. Holman’s standing by the door. Sheila is upset that she murdered the cow. Then she begins to recount the sad story of her life accompanied by visual flashbacks, starting with a tornado at her senior prom, a snowstorm during her July wedding, her husband running off with some other chick and happy clouds on the day her divorce was finalized. Mulder wants to know what her connection to Daryl is. Sheila tells him that they were engaged six months ago but then they got into a fight, he drove off and a freak hailstorm cost him his leg. Mulder guesses that’s when the rain started following him. Sheila wants to know if she’s under arrest. Mulder says no, but she should be arrested by the Fashion Police if you ask me. Mulder gets Scully to back him up and assure Sheila that she’s not responsible for the weather. Sheila says that she really wants to believe Mulder and then she kisses his hand. What a freakshow. I don’t know if it’s just me, but a girl kissing a guy’s hand is just weird. Scully’s eyebrowing all over the place. So I guess she feels the same as I do. Plus, this is her boyfriend so I’m sure she’s even more uncomfortable over this. Sheila then grabs Holman’s hand and then leaves the room. The doctor then announces that the hailstorm had nothing to do with Daryl’s leg. He was driving too fast and he was drunk. Holman is surprised. “Drunk?… I never heard that.” The doctor says they felt that Daryl losing his leg was punishment enough. Holman is clearly upset by this.

Nebraska Farm Of A Redneck Getting What’s Coming To Him. Miss Perky is massaging Daryl’s shoulders while he sits under a tent. Daryl’s babbling about how people don’t realize how hard it is to sit around and drink beer while another dude’s suppressed feelings makes it rain wherever Daryl goes. Whoops. I wasn’t really giving anything away, was I? You’ve all seen this episode. He then starts talking about his “powers of concentration” but is then easily sidetracked by Miss Perky’s massage. He then babbles some more about how his brain functions on 14 different levels of stupid and it also takes in variables like Nascar velocity and the humidity at tractor pulls. While he was busy listening to the sound of his own voice, the rain stopped. Daryl: “Uh oh.”

Mulder And Scully’s Motel Room Of Offscreen Bed Sharing. Mulder’s sitting on the bed, going over newspaper articles. Scully walks in and sits in the chair next to the bed. She tells Mulder, quite excitedly, that the next flight out is at 10:00am. She can’t wait to get out of there. Mulder holds up a newspaper and tells her that on one day back in 1991 it rained rose petals for an hour. Scully is exasperated and adamantly tells him that they’re going home, Daryl is being sued by 50 people and there is no case. Mulder then tells her that the day it rained rose petals was the day after the death of Holman’s mother. He says that Holman is “manufacturing the weather” and comments on his relief over the fact that Daryl was drunk. Holman has been hospitalized five times with nervous exhaustion, each time coinciding with some crazy weather. To everyone’s surprise, Scully’s not buying it. Mulder then asks Scully about that disorder where the weather affects the way people feel. “SAD — Seasonal Affective Disorder,” Scully says. Mulder theorizes that maybe someone’s feelings can affect the weather. “That the weather is somehow an expression of Holman Hardt’s feelings or better still, the feelings that he’s not expressing?” Scully then suppresses the feeling that she’d like to hit Mulder upside the head with that newspaper. Then Mulder and Scully sleep in the same bed, offscreen. I’d like to think there was some spooning involved. Although seeing as how they were so uptight this season, it was most likely unintentional and they were unaware of it. Scully probably woke up with Mulder’s arms around her and pretended to be horrified.

Television Studio Of Getting Your Hopes Up And Then Having Them Dashed To Pieces. Holman is trying to proclaim his true feelings for Sheila. “I’ve tried to say this a thousand times… tried to express the… fire that burns inside this… humble exterior. Sheila, you’re the reason I remained in this town all these years. I wake up each day knowing…” Apparently, Holman was talking to his reflection in a mirror. His phone is ringing and it’s Sheila calling. He tells her that he was just thinking about her and he’s looking forward to the reunion. Sheila’s in a good mood and it’s all because of Holman. His face lights up. “I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about what you said about Daryl yesterday and I realized that you were right.” She says that she’s over Daryl and realizes she’s been chasing the wrong kind of guy. Holman looks really happy and “[he] can’t tell [her] what that means to [him].” Sheila then wants to ask Holman something and she wants it to be their secret. “What do you think of Agent Mulder?” There’s a huge crash of thunder outside. Holman then hangs up the phone and contemplates strangling himself with the cord.

Television Studio Of An FBI Agent Giving A Weatherman Advice That He Himself Refuses To Follow. So it’s the next morning and Mulder has come to Holman’s office for a quick chat. Mulder tells Holman he wants him to get some help before he kills somebody. Holman feigns ignorance. Mulder says that he knows that Holman is the one causing all this whack weather. Holman says that if he indeed could control the weather, doesn’t Mulder think he’d end the drought. Mulder doesn’t think Holman does it on purpose but “[he bottles] up [his] emotions — anger, grief, or love or whatever — and then, as a response, it rains or hails or there’s a flying cow. And whatever it is, [he's] got to let it out.” As if Mulder’s one to talk about expressing one’s true feelings. Holman says that he can’t let his feelings out. “Yeah, you can. It’s Sheila, isn’t it? You love her. You’ve always loved her. That tornado at the high school… that was you, wasn’t it?” Holman then says that he came across Sheila and her boyfriend, “en flagrante delicto.” Mulder asks Holman if he’s never told Sheila how he feels. “How can a frog tell a swan that he loves her?” How can a narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous, egomaniac believer tell a closed down, self-protective, intimacy-issues addled skeptic that he loves her? Your guess is as good as mine. Mulder tells Holman that he better tell Sheila before somebody gets killed. Holman wants Mulder to help him, but Mulder’s got a plane to catch. Holman asks who will help him, if Mulder doesn’t. Mulder says that he’s got to meet his partner at the airport. Mulder’s cell phone rings.

Scully: Mulder, it’s me.

Mulder: I’m coming.

Scully: The plane won’t take off because of the fog.

Mulder: Holman!

Scully: I’m Scully, Mulder.

Mulder: No, Holman wants dating advice.

Scully: From who?

Mulder: That would be me.

Scully: …

Mulder: …

Scully: …

Mulder …

Scully: …

Mulder: Um, hello? Scully?

Scully: Yeah, I’m here. When was the last time you had a date with an actual person and not a phone sex operator, Marty?

Mulder: Bye bye!

Scully: I pity the fool.

Office Of Daryl, The Ex-Redneck Rain King. Miss Perky is adding up some calculations and hands Daryl the tape with the figures. The result is apparently a red number and Daryl hangs his head on the desk. Miss Perky looks sympathetic. “Daryl, you’re like one of those tragic rock stars. You know, like, Jim Morrison or Kurt Cobain. Biggie Smalls or 2Pac. Or Rick James. George Michael. Leif Garrett. Or any of those dudes on VH1’s Behind the Music. You just shine too bright for too short a time.” She then ruffles his hair and tells him that someday it’ll be a nice story to tell their kids. Daryl then gets pissy and says that he can’t afford kids. That he needs cash “pronto” and he’s in “deep doo-doo” if he doesn’t come up with it. Miss Perky then offers her $6/hr Dairy Queen wages and she’s confident they can get the money he needs. Daryl isn’t really paying attention to her and then comes up with a brilliant idea: Sheila. Daryl tells Miss Perky that she’s real sweet and all, but he thinks they needs some time apart. “What? Are you breaking up with me?” Honey, you should be counting your blessings. Daryl tells her that it’s nothing personal and then he leaves.

Television Studio Of A Weatherman’s Astute Observations And An FBI Agent’s Painful Denial. Holman and Mulder are having their dating conversation. Apparently, Mulder has admitted to Holman that he’s no Eddie Van Blundht. “I’ve been envious of men like you my whole life. Based on your physical bearing, I’d assumed you were… More experienced. I mean… You spend every day with Agent Scully” (Mulder sighs and stops walking) “a beautiful, enchanting woman. And you two never, uh…?” (Mulder stares at Holman, with his jaws clenched) “I… confess I find that shocking. I… I’ve seen how you two gaze at one another.” Mulder waits a beat, before he takes Holman’s shoulder and leads him out of the room. “This is about you, Holman. I’m here to help you. I’m perfectly happy with my friendship with Agent Scully.” Oh, brother. Except, I think at this point Mulder may actually believe this a little bit. Remember, this is the year of The Fowl One. So, she’s hanging around in the back of Mulder’s mind. Anyways, Holman recaps Mulder’s theory that if he just tells Sheila how he feels, then the drought will end. Mulder straightens Holman’s tie and tells him to just tell her how he feels. Holman walks towards Sheila’s office. Special Agent Fox “Loser By Choice” Mulder then exclaims “Holman! I do not gaze at Scully.” Yes you do.

Sidebar: According to Shadowman Michaud it was Scully who had to make a move. Mulder isn’t the one who initiates their physical relationship. So the more I think of it, it seems as though Holman represents Scully and Sheila, the oblivious one, represents Mulder. I think Scully knows perfectly well how she feels about Mulder, but she’s got those fear of intimacy issues. And like Holman, who has stayed in this po-dunk town all these years just for Sheila, the major reason Scully has stayed down in the basement is to be with Mulder. Sheila is still hung up on that waste of space Daryl and Mulder clearly has hang-ups about Diana.

Television Studio Of Unrequited Love Confessions, Crippled Combat And Embarrassing Displays Of Affection. Sheila’s working in her office. Holman walks in and asks to speak with her for a minute. Sheila asks him if he’s excited about the high school reunion. He says he is, then notices she’s busy and tries to back out. But she tells him to spit it out. “I… I love you.” Sheila says that she loves him to, but she says it in a friendly way. She then asks him what’s wrong. Mulder’s standing outside the office and notices that it’s started raining. Sheila and Holman walk out of the office, Sheila very cheerily greets Mulder and then tells Holman that she’ll see him tonight. Mulder smiles at Holman and tells him that he did it. “No, you did.” Holman says that Sheila told him that she loves him, but she’s in love with Mulder. Mulder is speechless. In the hallway, Daryl is talking to Sheila. He made his move but she told him there was somebody else. He’s agitated and Sheila tells him that this is not the right place for this conversation. Daryl has grabbed her arm and she’s trying to get him to let her go. At this point, Mulder walks in on this scene and tells Daryl to quit it. Sheila smiles at Mulder adoringly. Daryl gives a disgusted look. “This is the guy? What’s he got that I ain’t got” Mulder just shrugs meekly. Sheila then spouts off Mulder’s qualities, seeing as how she knows him so well, including things like having “a job” and “good looks.” Daryl is not down with Mulder’s good looks and takes a swing at Mulder, who easily gets out of the way. Sheila doesn’t want Daryl to hit Mulder in the face, seeing as how the “good looks” are high on her list of Mulder’s best qualities. Daryl swings again but Mulder grabs him, pins him against the wall and cuffs him. I don’t know why Daryl even tried to fight him. Mulder is an FBI agent and Daryl is a one-legged dimwit. Daryl then accuses Mulder of picking on a cripple and that he’ll hear from Daryl’s lawyer. Sheila tells Mulder that he deserves a big reward. Mulder shakes his head. Seeing as how Mulder hasn’t given Sheila any inclination that he has any regard for her, she grabs him and kisses him, pushing him against the wall. Mulder’s hands are gripping her shoulders as he tries to wiggle away from her. Holman and Scully come walking around the corner. Holman is shocked and then runs away. Scully just stares in amazement at Mulder. Mulder manages to get Sheila off of him. He stares at Scully. He looks guilty, yo. Scully then tells Mulder that the fog has lifted and if he’s ready, they can leave. Scully doesn’t seem all that upset over this. Sheila ain’t exactly a threat. But if that were Diana, her reaction would’ve been slightly different. In The End, Scully had to go out and sit in the car to regain composure just because she saw Diana grab Mulder’s hand. Anyways, Mulder notices a TV screen and asks Scully if she’s familiar with weather radar and asks her what red means. She thinks it means thunderstorms. They both watch the monitor as a huge red mass starts spinning over the area. “Looks like we’re not going to be able to catch our plane,” Mulder says.

Kroner High School Reunion. The gym is decorated in a Wizard Of Oz theme, “There’s No Place Like Kroner.” The DJ is spinning some 70’s music and there’s buckets scattered throughout to catch the leaks. You can hear the rain and thunder, as Mulder and Scully look around the gym for Holman. Scully says that there’s been 7 inches of rain in the past 6 hours and there’s now a flash flood warning. They locate Holman and pull him out of the gym and into the hallway. Mulder tells Holman to make it stop. Holman tells him that it’s his fault because he was kissing Sheila. As if on cue, Sheila enters and greets some of her “favorite people”, Holman and Mulder. Holman compliments Sheila on how she looks. Holman and I have very different taste, apparently. Sheila sure does love the color red, that’s for certain. Sheila tells Holman that he looks handsome, and then pays the same compliment to Mulder. A slow song starts playing and she asks Mulder to dance. Scully cuts in and says that Holman wanted to dance. She then nudges Mulder, who concurs. As Sheila and Holman head back inside the gym, Mulder desperately tells Holman to tell Sheila. As Sheila and Holman dance, she asks him what Mulder meant. Holman says that it’s not a big deal and Sheila reminds him that they tell each other everything. Holman starts reminding her of their chat earlier that day and she remembers. “When you said you loved me.” Holman looks like he might puke. “What I meant to say… what I wanted you to understand… is that I’m in love with you. That I’ve loved you since high school.” Sheila looks upset and walks away from him. I don’t think that’s the response he was hoping for. Sidebar: I’ve personally been “The Sheila” in this type of situation. And it sucks. Royally. Especially when you really don’t feel the same way and you end up breaking your best friend’s heart. It blows. Anyways, Mulder and Scully have been watching this go down, swaying together to the music, and when Sheila walks away from Holman they give each other the panic face. “I’ll build the ark, you gather the animals,” Mulder quips. Scully walks away and heads towards the bathroom. “I was kidding,” he calls after her.

Ladies Bathroom Of Awkward Girl Talk. Sheila is staring at her reflection in one of the mirrors, wondering if she should put on some more mascara. Which I don’t think is possible. Scully approaches her and starts to tell her about Mulder’s theory. ” Agent Mulder believes that the drought, this storm these bizarre set of weather conditions that have plagued you over the years are… are caused by Holman.” Scully goes on to tell Sheila that Holman’s emotions are affecting the weather and that he’s ” unwittingly destroying this town” because he loves her. Sheila gives Scully a look. “You love him, don’t you?” Scully thinks this bimbo has lost her mind. “You’re jealous because Agent Mulder and I have a special connection and you’re trying to divert me to Holman.” Scully’s all, “You are one crazy ho. The only ’special connections’ Mulder has are with me, got it?” Ok, she doesn’t really say that. But she was thinking it.

High School Gym. Dimwit Daryl the Drunk has arrived on crutches and hobbles over to Mulder. He proclaims that “it’s good to be the king” and he wants to know where Sheila is. Mulder asks Daryl about the missing leg. “[Miss Perky] took it. She said I’d have to crawl back to her. Where’s Sheila?” Hey, I kind of like Miss Perky now. She’s at least someone who’s not gonna put up with Daryl’s crap.

Ladies Bathroom Of Admitting One’s True Feelings. Sheila is shocked that Mulder and Scully have never even kissed. Get in line, sister. Sheila then comments on Mulder’s kissing ability, which I find ridiculous because he didn’t even kiss her back. Whatever. Sheila says that she never thought of Holman that way and that he’s her closest friend. Scully then gives a speech, projecting her own feelings for Mulder onto Sheila’s situation with Holman: “Well, it seems to me that the best relationships — the ones that last — are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is… suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.” Then the sinks start filling up with dirty water and overflowing onto the floor. Scully and Sheila run out of the bathroom.

High School Gym. Because it worked out so well the last time, Daryl is once again attempting to fight Mulder. Daryl’s swinging his crutches at him and is trying to teach Mulder a lesson for messing “with [his] woman.” Daryl falls over a chair (HA!) and the electricity goes out. Scully comes over and tells Mulder that she called the police. Mulder tells her to check on “the king” and asks about Sheila. We chung chung over to Holman, who’s sitting with his head in his hands. I personally like Holman and I don’t think that bimbo deserves him. But you can’t help who you love, I guess. Sheila asks Holman if it’s true that Holman makes the weather because of her, even the tornado at the prom and snow at her wedding. Holman apologizes. “Daryl’s rain?” He guesses it was a manifestation of guilt. “Even this rain? Because you love me?” He loves her. Sheila gives him a kiss. “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” she says. They then wrap their arms around each other and kiss passionately. In slow-mo. The electricity comes on, there’s sparks, the disco ball lights up and starts spinning, the music comes back on and the rain stops. Miss Perky runs into the gym, carrying one of Daryl’s legs. Daryl and Miss Perky apologize. Then they kiss and make up. Daryl wonders why Miss Perky is so good to him. So do I. Everyone is dancing and making out to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Everyone except our heroes, of course. Mulder: “I didn’t know reunions could be so…” Scully: “Wet.” Mulder smiles at Scully. Oh, you two! Holman and Sheila walk up to Mulder and Scully. Mulder asks Holman how it went. As he and Sheila walk away, Holman tells Mulder he should try it sometime and nods at Scully. Yes, he should. Except he doesn’t. Because he’s an idiot who has to wait around for Scully to actually make a move. Then Mulder and Scully spend another night in Kroner, sleeping in the same bed. Offscreen.

Kroner, Kansas. One Year Later. Judy Garland is still singing. Sheila is cuddling a baby, watching Holman giving the weather report on the TV. Beautiful weather all around. Holman and Sheila get their happily ever after. Hey, maybe if Mulder and Scully get together and have a baby, they can have a happily ever after! Wait… yeah, maybe not. Sigh. At least they tried.

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Recap by Bolissa

Opens with a doctor giving a couple some unsettling news. He has a sonogram of their unborn child and – wow! Bruce Campbell! But yuk! The baby has abnormal vertebrae and something growing on the plates of the skull; that just can’t be good. Bruce looks upset. Apparently his name is Wayne, which is what his wife calls him as he gets up and leaves the room. She’s a bit odd –looking, quite frumpy with truly dorky glasses, but with long red hair. Boy, there are a lot of red-heads in The X-Files. Is this a Canadian thing (even though we’re now shooting in LA)? Enquiring minds want to know…

Wayne is getting himself a drink. He seems much more rattled by this than his wife, who is wearing a pinafore that is a crime against fashion and calling him ‘sweetness’ which is a crime against good taste. You keep that dirty talk for the bedroom, missy! Speaking as a woman who has been pregnant more than once, I would expect her to be the one freaked out. She’s trying to convince Wayne it might be nothing – shouldn’t he be the one comforting her? Get it together Bruce (heh- Bruce Wayne – isn’t that Batman’s alter ego? But we digress…). He ‘just wants it to be normal’. Too bad buddy, this is The X-Files and normal isn’t even in the same universe. She convinces him to go home with her.

Outside shot of what I’m assuming is home for Sweetness and his little wifey. I haven’t seen a creepier place since that house on the hill above Bates Motel. We are apparently in Hollins, Virginia. Oh, isn’t that sweet of Sweetness? He’s bringing his wife a glass of milk before bedtime. She uses it to wash down a tablet that I’m guessing is pre-natal vitamins. I remember those horse pills. It’s nighty-night to Sweetness and Wifey (whose name, we now discover, is Laura) and Sweetness loves her, no matter what. Aaawwwww. Then he goes and calls her poopydoo and I don’t think I can take all of this filthy talk – my delicate pink and shell-like ears are burning.

Which is not the only thing burning, as Poopydoo wakes to a conflagration at the bottom of her bed and the silhouette of a demon. Maybe that was acid she was dropping and not vitamins? The demon pulls down the blankets (cover-hog!) and she calls for Wayne, only to discover he isn’t in bed with her. Now the demon grabs her by the ankles and drags her down the bed and it’s all getting a bit Rosemary’s Baby. Showing an admirable amount of spunk, Poopydoo rears up and bites the demon just where the neck and shoulder meet, but it pushes her down and the subtitling says, [pelvis cracking], and I didn’t need to know that. Sometimes the hearing-impaired don’t mind missing some things. Then we hear a baby crying and the demon picks up a baby, while Poopydoo screams for Wayne and begs the demon not to take her baby. A sister-in-law of mine once insisted that she scared off a demon who was intent on stealing her children, but in her case I was sure it was the acid talking; not that she’s not scary enough to frighten a demon, but I am Sceptical!Scully and I refuse to believe in demons.

Poopydoo now wakes up screaming, and it seems to have been a nightmare. Sweetness wakes up beside her and there’s no fire, no demon. Sweetness assures her she’s having a dream and I can relate, because you do have weird dreams when you’re pregnant. I once dreamt that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were floating above my driveway (I would have thought they had better things to do, but apparently not). Oh no! Sweetness just notices the blood on his fingertips, then tears the covers off the bed, to reveal that Poopydoo is all blood-spattered and no longer appears to be pregnant! Dun dun DUUNNNNN!!! Credits. Doo DOO doo doo doo DOOOHHH, etc.

Ooh, FBI Headquarters, Washington D.C.. We are in the basement office, and a policeman is telling a dark-haired man about Poopydoo’s traumatic experience. Fake-out! It’s that little rat-weasel, Jeffrey Spender, not Mulder. He tells the policeman (whose name is Deputy Stevens) he’s come to the right place and it turns out that Poopydoo is Deputy Stevens’ sister. The plot thickens, or congeals, or something, and Poopydoo’s last name is Weinsider (I’m thinking the kid had a lucky escape, no way you want to go to school with that name). Deputy Stevens is a bit put out that people have been saying mean and awful things about what happened to his sister’s baby. The rat-weasel assures Deputy Stevens that his sister’s case will go right into his priority caseload. He fakes sincerity really well. Of course, as soon as the Deputy leaves the office, Spender puts it straight through the shredder. Oh, that Jeffrey!

A police cruiser arrives at Casa de Poopydoo and Sweetness. It’s the Deputy and, yay, Mulder! Who has obviously fished out the case from the shredder bin and glued it together (now that’s dedication) and has rushed straight down to sort out the Hollins Happenings. No sign of Scully, and Mulder is asking the Deputy to keep it on the QT, so I’m guessing he’s taken off from another assignment, leaving Scully to dig through the manure on her own.

Interior, and Mulder’s getting the story directly from Poopydoo, looking all interested and sincerely sincere. Poopydoo tells him that the baby was ‘some kind of monster’ (was that a Metallica riff I just heard?) with horns and a tail. Oh, Mulder. Babies with tails never go well for you. Mulder keeps an admirably straight face through all of this. Poopydoo becomes overwhelmed and leaves the room. Mulder confirms with Sweetness that he was right there in bed with his wife the whole time and when Sweetness agrees, Mulder says that his wife states she reached over and he wasn’t there. Sweetness says, “Well, it was a dream,” and Mulder appears to agree, but his foxy little eyes are saying something else. Mulder is suspicious of Sweetness. He asks to use Sweetness’s phone.

Cut to Scully interviewing a Mr Ginsberg at the US Department of Agriculture in Washington, D.C., at 11:17am. She asks him if he has ever smoked marijuana. By the look of him, he had to open all of the windows and turn the fans up high to get the smell out of the office before Scully showed up, but he denies ever having indulged. She then asks him if he has consorted with people who have now, or in the past. Whoa, Scully sounds quite hostile and bored, no doubt an explosive combination. Mr Ginsberg denies this too – what, didn’t he go to uni? Scully gives him a long, hard, look. Scully is sceptical, therefore she is. The telephone rings, and Scully answers it with an expression of relief. However, her relief is short-lived, as it’s Mulder on the other end: “Scully, it’s me.” Drink. She gestures for Mr Ginsberg to leave, and he does so, quickly, cognisant of escaping a fate worse than death. Scully is pissed. She waited 45 minutes for Mulder to show this morning and she wants to know where he is. Mulder is only going to tell her if she keeps an ‘open mind’. Huh. “This isn’t an X-File,” Scully says, ominously, hoping against hope that it’s true. Oh, Scully, you keep that flame alive. Mulder tells her it’s a demon baby snatching. Mulder wants Scully to take a look at the woman’s charts and give her medical opinion of the deformities the baby was suffering. Scully is so obviously at the end of her tether and you can tell that this is an argument she has had before with Mulder and she’s just a bit tired of it and you can tell she just wants to go home and take a bubble bath and forget she’s ever heard the name Fox Mulder. Ooh, Mulder just called Spender’s actions unconscionable (how I love a man that uses big words). Scully accuses him of rooting through Spender’s trash. Mulder asks Scully how that’s any different that the assignment they’re stuck with. Snap. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Scully: “We? Mulder, I’m stuck with it. You’re not here.” She is unimpressed by Mulder’s opinion that this is a ‘classic case of demon foetal harvest’, then he breaks out the Latin (is it hot in here?). This just brings on Scully’s sarcasm, using the term ‘demon seed’. Unfortunately the whole conversation is being picked up on the baby monitor and Sweetness can hear Mulder trying to convince Scully that there is something demonic going on in Roanoke.

Outside the House’o’Creepy, 10:56pm. Poopydoo is looking for Sweetness, but he’s not inside the house. Outside, there’s a furnace going and some spooky chanting. Sweetness is up to something. He’s digging something up out of the ground. Ooh, it’s all bloody and gross, but he caresses it lovingly. Poopydoo’s heading out to the big old incinerator that’s cooking up a storm and Sweetness comes up behind her, giving her a start. He tells her he’s burning leaves, but she’s all “At this time of night?” Apparently raking up the yard was in the job jar (???) O-kay. Poopydoo isn’t as stupid as her fashion sense would indicate, and she feels she’s being lied to, but she goes back indoors to let Sweetness get on with whatever nefarious activity he has planned for the night. Aw, poor Sweetness is crying. I think it’s the baby that’s been barbequed.

Nice lapse to Mulder, asleep in the car. He’s obviously been staking out Sweetness on his own, but there’s a reason why there should be two teams of agents in twelve-hour shifts. He’s doing it by himself with no-one to drool on, or to drool on him. Poor, lonely Mulder. It’s 6:57 am and he’s woken by his phone ringing. Of course it’s Scully, and she’s been up all night too, examining the Weinsider baby’s charts. Scully uses a lot of long medical words, as is her wont, but Mulder breaks it down for us by asking if she means horns. Scully medico-babbles along while Mulder amuses himself by drawing devil-horns on a picture of Sweetness with a Magic Marker. Scully then tells Mulder that Virginia law on third-trimester abortions requires him to put Poopydoo under arrest as labour was induced by the use of mandrake. How would that work, considering Mulder isn’t even supposed to be there? Is it even the jurisdiction of the FBI? Mulder is not looking happy with this information. Mulder watches Sweetness leave in a red convertible, while pretending to listen to Scully as she tells him she’s going to fax the information to the Roanoke county attorney. She tells him to be sensitive as it’s likely to be an emotional case – hey Scully? I think Mulder tuned out after the mandrake thing. Sweetness has totally seen Mulder staking out the place, but he leaves anyway, and sure enough, Mulder decides to do some investigating on his own.

Cut to – Sweetness knocking at the front door of another house, and a very pregnant lady answers the door. She asks him what he’s doing and he says he forgot his key. Whaaaa?? She asks where he’s been, and he says, “I told you I was going to be on the road until Tuesday, poopydoo.” Now I’m completely sure he’s evil. However, Poopydoo II is much less frumpy than Poopydoo, and is dressed in a really pretty blue maternity dress that sets off the beautiful blue of her eyes. Sweetness has a second family! The dawg! He refers to their baby as their ‘bundle of joy’. Argh! He’s pure evil!

Back to Mulder, who has upset Deputy Stevens, who’s vociferously denying that his sister took anything to end her pregnancy, by accusing Mulder of taking hallucinogens. Oh, Deputy, you don’t know how close you are. You are but one in a long line to think this about our favourite boy Spooky. Sweetness chooses this moment to return and Poopydoo tells him she’s being accused of taking the life of their baby. The Deputy is not happy with Sweetness either, for leaving Poopydoo alone to cope with the mess. Mulder tells Sweetness he doesn’t want to arrest Laura and says that he thinks that Sweetness would ‘hate like the devil’ for that to happen, but he says it in a really insinuating way, letting Sweetness know that he suspects. Sweetness gives the police permission to search the premises, and they seem to be doing a very thorough job of the yard. I’m thinking Mulder was awake during the impromptu late-night barbeque.

Sweetness and Laura are watching the commotion, while Mulder walks though the house with some large pill containers, making a crack that everybody in the house must be regular, so I suppose they must be laxatives. Mulder, honey, if you’d ever been pregnant, you’d understand about that. The constipation is horrible. Laura says that she knows they won’t find anything, but Sweetness says there’s something he needs to tell her, that he’s kept secret. Oh, maybe Poopydoo II? No such luck. He spins some sort of horror story about how Poopydoo had aborted the baby herself in a trance, that she was chanting, yada yada yada, and that he burned the baby’s body in an attempt to cover up for her.

Oh no! Now the cops have found something outside! What could it be? Now poor Poopydoo is having to confess something she doesn’t even remember to her brother. Mulder is still throwing suspicious looks at Sweetness (and Bruce Campbell sure does bring the awesome, doesn’t he?) and poor Deputy Arky (for that is indeed his name) looks all broken up that he’s going to have to arrest his sister. She is blaming the herbal medication. Let that be a lesson to all you hippies! Sweetness is going to get Poopydoo the best attorney. Just you wait and see. Mulder’s not taken in though. He is the last to leave, and walks past Sweetness and says, “I know what you are.” Sweetness doesn’t look happy at all with this turn of events.

Now we can see Wayne’s red convertible speeding down the road to the tune of Garbage’s “I’m Only Happy When it Rains”. He’s calling Poopydoo II on his car phone (her name is Betsy). He’s late for the sonogram appointment. Poopydoo II is happy to go without him, saying, “It’s just a sonogram.” Sweetness isn’t happy with that and replies, “It’s not just a sonogram honey. It’s a picture of the expression of our beautiful love.” I hope they hand out vomit bags whenever Sweetness is around, otherwise I’m not gonna make it through this recap. Poopydoo II asks what he has been smoking (boo-yah!). He says he’s only five minutes away and Poopydoo II agrees to wait for him, but as he pulls up to the traffic lights, Mulder pulls in beside him and asks him where he’s going and who he’s talking to. Now Poopydoo II wants to know who he’s talking to as well. You’re in big trouble now, Sweetness. Mulder will be asking you about his Norwegian Elkhound next. It turns out that Sweetness is an insurance medical technician and that his work takes him on the road a lot. Mulder makes it clear he will be following Sweetness to his next appointment. Ow, that can’t be good for Sweetness. Looks like he won’t be making that sonogram appointment with Poopydoo II. Mulder offers to race him and Sweetness flattens it as the lights change, a futile attempt as Mulder just catches up to him. I just love it when Mulder puts the pressure on the bad guys this way. Hot!

Sweetness has turned up at Mrs. Britton’s house, unexpectedly. He’s come early to take the blood for her insurance policy, since naturally he can’t let on to Mulder about Poopydoo II. He convinces her that she doesn’t want to be without insurance for a week, so he’s come to take her blood early. Mrs. Britton’s three small sons run through the house like a herd of elephants as he’s doing the test and she calls them monsters (children as monsters – a familiar X-Files theme). Sweetness tells her that he loves kids and has a baby on the way himself. He tells her that he has been trying a long time. Mrs Britton looks at him uncomfortably, wondering how soon this psycho is going to leave her in peace. As he puts away his equipment, she notices some weird bumps on the back of his neck. No, he’s not a super-soldier, this is only Season 6, when the mytharc only just started to go off the rails. I’m guessing these are of supernatural origin. A horn honks and we see Mulder, leaning on Sweetness’s car, waving happily. Oh, that Mulder – he’s such a card! Sweetness asks to use Mrs Britton’s phone. The honking was Mrs. Britton’s kids in Sweetness’s car, playing with everything. I think Mulder probably encouraged them in this childish tomfoolery, that being his speciality. The subtitles for the hearing-impaired describe the honking as ‘playful’. Sweetness strides out of the house, saying he wants the kids out of the car. Mulder says, “Okay, Speed Racers. That’s enough driver’s education for today,” as the kids climb out. Sweetness asks Mulder if he’s having his fun, just as Mulder’s phone rings.

It’s Scully. “Mulder, you’re busted.” Ruh-roh. It turns out Scully has just gotten an earful from Kersh, who Sweetness called to complain about Mulder’s harassment. Why does Kersh rank Scully out for Mulder’s shit? Doesn’t he have Mulder’s cell phone number? Sweetness drives off, saying “Leave me alone,” to Mulder. Mulder tells Scully to tell Kersh that he’s down here doing a background check on somebody. Then maybe later Scully can pass a note to Diana on his behalf, asking her to go steady. Make your own phone calls, Mulder. Scully is less than enchanted with this development.

Roanoke County Jail. Poor Poopydoo is banged up in the Big House and Sweetness has come to visit. She’s asked him to come as she needs to see him. Sweetness tells her that he’s seen attorneys and that due to the circumstances and her emotional state, they feel confident of an acquittal. But Poopydoo didn’t come down in the last shower. She tells Sweetness that his story doesn’t stack up and when he embraces her, she pulls back his collar and sees the bite mark she put on the demon’s neck. Sweetness asks why she went and did that, but he tells her that he loves her and that he wishes she could have been the one. He grabs her tight, and sucks out her life-force, or her soul or something. At any rate, it’s a cool special effect.

The EMTs are now performing CPR on poor Poopydoo who is in V-fib. I need Scully here to explain all this to me. They’re using the defibrillator to try to bring her back and Deputy Arky wants to know what’s happened. Sweetness tells him she just collapsed, the big fat liar. Mulder shoots a suspicious look at Sweetness. Kersh is obviously still just getting his Voicemail or long-suffering Scully is still running interference. Sweetness is doing a good job of pretending to be upset and says, “It was like she died right in my arms.” Mulder looks at him again – if he was Scully, the eyebrow would have climbed so high it would be on the back of her head. The EMTs still keep trying to resuscitate Poopydoo, and they get a heartbeat. Sweetness reacts like this is a nasty surprise. The Deputy runs in to his sister and the EMTs say they need to get her to a hospital, pronto! Another look between Mulder and Sweetness – these two really don’t like each other. If I were Mulder, I’d be a bit more concerned about pissing off the Hosts of Hell, but then I suppose he’s not really religious.

Sweetness has rushed over to Poopydoo II’s house. She’s unimpressed by his disappearing act of earlier today. She tells him everything went fine without him, “it always does”. Ouch. He asks about the sonogram, she tells him the doctor found something. It sounds like there’s something wrong with this baby too, a bony growth on the baby’s spine and skull. Sweetness looks pretty cut up about this news (Bruce is very good in this scene) but tells Poopydoo II that he loves her, no matter what. Oh, dear. That is not a good sign. Poopydoo II is not as easily impressed as Poopydoo and wonders what’s going on inside Sweetness’s head (if anything). He tells her “you and this baby are my hopes and dreams”. I hope she doesn’t suffer from pregnancy-related diabetes or this could finish her off for good. He offers to get her a warm glass of milk and they can go to bed. Dun dun DUNNN!!!!

Hoorah! Mulder walks into the Roanoke County Hospital and Scully has finally arrived! She bitches Mulder out about being asked to come down, and he is nowhere to be found. He tells her he was down in the basement (familiar territory) at county records doing a background check. She says, “Mulder. It’s me. That’s your cover story, remember.” And I’m pretty damn certain that Gillian Anderson is definitely standing on a Gilly ramp for this scene. Seriously, she’s about a foot taller than she should be. He’s been checking into Wayne Weinsider’s history, but Scully tells him that there’s no evidence anyone did anything to Poopydoo, who is now in a coma. Scully gives Mulder a reasoned, scientific précis of Poopydoo’s condition, but Mulder is clearly just waiting for it to be over so that he can embark on a flight of fancy. He tells her that “not a shred of evidence is exactly the evidence I’d hoped you’d find.” Rightio, then. It turns out Sweetness’s real name is Ivan Veles, and he’s been prosecuted before for two dead wives, but acquitted for lack of evidence. Apparently he’s also known as Bud Hasselhoff (don’t Hassle the Hoff – hee!) and Gordy Boitano (what would Brian Boitano do?) and I think the writers were having some fun there. Ooh, the name Veles is synonymous with the Devil in Slavic societies. Impressed yet, Scully? The look on Scully’s face suggests not. Mulder thinks that the evidence proves that Sweetness is a devil, but Scully thinks that the only thing it proves is that Mulder is a nutbar. It’s just as well he’s so sexy. Then Mulder says, “I’m not a psychologist.” Really. And here I thought you’d gotten some sort of PhD from Oxford and worked as a behavioural profiler. Don’t you have to be a psychologist to do that? OK, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that Mulder meant he’s never practised clinically, but it still sounds like BS to me. Scully just closes her mouth, knowing that whatever she says won’t matter.

Sweetness is warming up the milk. I have to say, it looks a bit thin. It must be skim. He pours it into a glass and carries it upstairs. I’m thinking he should check the use-by date on the carton, because it sure does have a nasty green glow. Perhaps it’s on the turn. He gives it to Poopydoo II: “This’ll put you to sleep on a cloud, where troubles melt away.” Who wouldn’t be suspicious of a man who talks like a Hallmark card? Inexplicably, Poopydoo II seems to be impressed by this malarkey and she drinks her milk placidly.

Back at the House on the Hill above Bates Motel, the police are using some sort of technological thingummy to search for buried things, but I’m guessing it’s not treasure they’re seeking. There’s digging, explosions, flashlights and cars, ooh – and Mulder and Scully. Yay! Apparently, the technology is subterranean mapping equipment from Richmond P.D., but they’re not having much success so far. But immediately, someone makes a liar of Deputy Arky because they just found something. For a change, Mulder does the medico-babble while Scully unearths what appears to be a tiny skeleton, with horns. Mulder then tells Deputy Arky to put out an APB for his brother-in-law. Um, wouldn’t they get someone else to handle the case? Wouldn’t it be a conflict of interest for Deputy Arky? Oh, hell. Why am I even asking questions? They only give me a headache.

Mulder is convinced that Sweetness is a serial wife and baby murderer and is exercising his biological imperative. Huh, huh, huh, he said biological imperative. Scully asks the question on the tip of all our lips when she questions Mulder as to what motive Sweetness has for these crimes. Mulder says: “Because they’re demons, and he wants a normal child.” Oh, now we get it.

Poopydoo II is sleeping peacefully, her glass of warm milk empty. It’s demon redux with the fire and the monster, but quelle surprise! Poopydoo II just sits up and grabs the demon by the throat, which is, of course, Sweetness, and just asks him what he’s doing. I like her more and more. No one is more shocked by this development than Sweetness.

Mulder and Scully are tearing along in their Taurus, obviously on the way to rescue Poopydoo II. Mulder is on the phone and driving at the same time (that’s illegal here) and must have gotten directions, because he chucks a big U-ey, telling Scully that Sweetness’s employer has a second address for him, which they surmise is a second wife. Suddenly, there are lights in the middle of the road. They narrowly avoid an accident with Poopydoo II, who is covered in blood and driving Sweetness’s car. Our heroes get out of the Taurus and find Poopydoo II obviously distressed and staggering toward them in the light from the headlights. She says, “He took my baby. He took my baby.” Mulder and Scully look concerned and compassionate as Poopydoo II drops Sweetness right in it.

Next scene, Mulder and Scully turn up to Poopydoo II’s house, along with a shitload of backup. Now that’s not something you see every day. The house is dark, but the door is unlocked, so they enter, flashlights at the ready and guns out. The house seems deserted, but the subtitles for the hearing-impaired tell me that a TV is playing, with a man and a girl talking, the girl calling the man Daddy. Some old TV show or movie is playing.

Cut to outside, where Sweetness is digging up the yard in a frenzy. Mulder and Scully advance on him, Mulder telling him, “It’s over.” Sweetness tells Mulder that a family and a normal life was all he ever wanted. Like I said before, this is The X-Files. There ain’t a hope in Hell of normal. You are on the wrong show, buddy. Mulder asks him where the baby’s at, but Sweetness just says, “How could she do this to them?” and keeps on digging. Mulder tells him to put the shovel down and that his lies won’t work any more. Sweetness says: “My lies? What about her lies?” Scully says he can’t hope to bury the truth to which Sweetness replies: “I’m not burying anything. I’m digging it up.” Mulder is being uncharacteristically dense, and keeps asking Sweetness about the baby, which Sweetness is insisting Betsy took. Sweetness tells Mulder that Poopydoo II isn’t like Poopydoo, but he is cut off by the three bullets entering him shot by Deputy Arky. I’m guessing he’s still pissed about his sister being in a coma. Sweetness is convulsing on the ground and Scully calls for the paramedics. Crying, Sweetness says: “I just wanted what everyone wants.”

Sweetness is wheeled into Intensive Care and put right next to Poopydoo, to which her brother objects strenuously. I’m guessing that in such a small town, they actually don’t have much choice. Mulder prevents Deputy Arky from physically moving Sweetness, who is just out of surgery by telling him he is in enough trouble already and wouldn’t want to complicate the situation further. You should listen, Deputy Arky, Mulder is speaking from experience. Deputy Arky wants Sweetness to live so he can beat the truth out of him. I wish I had a brother like him. Mulder would be a cool brother too. I have five brothers, but they’re all younger than I am, and I always wanted a big brother to look out for me. Mulder and the Deputy head off to talk to Poopydoo II and Sweetness comes to and looks over at Poopydoo. Oh no – he’s having a fit! The heart monitor is beeping like all get-out and Poopydoo’s soul or life-force, or whatever it was he took erupts out of his mouth and goes back into Poopydoo, who convulses. Sweetness’s heart monitor flatlines. Where the hell are the staff of this ICU? Shouldn’t they be code-blueing, or crash-carting or something? I’m sure Scully would have plenty to say about their lax attitude. Oh, so now they show up. Better late than never. Poopydoo’s conscious and they’re giving her oxygen.

Scully has snapped on the latex and is excavating even more tiny little skeletons. What a depressing job. She doesn’t look happy about it at all. It turns out the forensics team has found four baby skeletons, but all the ones in Poopydoo II’s yard are normal, no deformities. Poopydoo II’s baby isn’t there. Mulder has finally twigged to what was going on. He tells Scully that these weren’t Sweetness’s babies and that Sweetness had met someone even more evil than he was. Mulder now realises that Poopydoo II had taken them in just as she had taken in Sweetness. She was driven to have what only Wayne could give her.

Now Poopydoo II’s driving down the highway in Sweetness’s red convertible, with a baby seat next to her in front. Don’t you know that should be in the back seat, Poopydoo II? They call that front passenger side the Seat of Death. Garbage is playing again. The baby’s crying and she looks across at it, and it’s got little claws. Aww, how cute. Poopydoo II looks into the camera and her eyes are now red with vertical pupils, like a cat. Spooky. Aaaannndd…she’s outta here.

Credits.

---

Recap by Crass

Episode 6×05 – Dreamland II

Written by Vince Gilligan, John Shiban, Frank Spotnitz

Recapped by Adrienne (aka Starbucket)

We don’t get a “previously, on The X-Files” because this is a DVD, but you can gladly read my recap of the first episode to catch up. For now, we fade in on…

Oh, God. It’s a monologue. But luckily, it’s Michael McKean, so hopefully it won’t be too wordy. Damn Scully and her enormous, 1500 SAT word vocabulary! Just kidding. I’d never damn her. Okay, so we start of with this voice over about Mulder. We look at his file (which includes a really HOT picture of him that I just bet isn’t standard FBI issue), peek at his old home movies (he’s a Spock fan? I pegged him more as a Kirk kinda guy.), talk about how normal he is – other than his name, and then we get serious. Samantha disappears; this guy buckles down, gets a good education, top of his class at the Academy, and then goes nuts. “Fox Mulder pissed away a brilliant career…and now lives his life shaking his fist at the sky and muttering about conspiracies to anyone who will listen. If you ask me, he’s one step away from pushing a baby carriage filled with tin cans down the street. But now, all that’s going to change.” Dun, dun, DUN!

Credits. I love how the show is six years in and still uses images from Squeeze. Yes, I love that, Chris Carter. Don’t change them, like ever. I don’t need no fetuses and falling Mulders in my credits. No, thank you.

And, we’re back. Mulder’s being dragged out of the gas station by men in fatigues, screaming about how he’d never do this, as Morris – in his “Mulder” suit – watches unsympathetically. Scully, I do believe, finally gets that maybe her “Mulder” isn’t really Mulder at all. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe she is now a believer. For this episode, anyway. Or at least until everything slingshots back. Okay, so, “Mulder” apologizes for “narcing” her out, but she tells him, in that “I’m so onto you but I’m not going to say anything even though I’m a terrible liar and you could probably figure it out anyway if you paid attention, which you’re not” voice, that she knows he didn’t mean it. He’s surprised, exclaiming, “It’s the new me!” Yea, entirely new.

Back at the ol’ top secret military base, Mulder’s being dragged into yet another Plexiglas prison, right next to the Hopi lady with the bad attitude. She lights up a cigarette, swathed in darkness, and tells Mulder that they’ve “had [their] asses officially disappeared.” She gets up and Mulder’s all, “who’s this crazy grandma using network-television-approved bad language all up in my griz-ille?” She tells him that she’s, “not gonna be hot-stickin’ it any time soon,” and then calls him a desk monkey. Hey, he’s a field agent! Okay, pick your battles. I know.

FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C. Hey, I think Agent Booth works there now! Morris is playing Tiger Woods again as Scully enters the bullpen with a cardboard box. Kersh said she was, “willful, insubordinate, and not a team player. And the FBI [doesn’t] need agents who aren’t team players.” And that she’s suspended for two weeks. Morris tries to “ease the pain” by offering her her own first name and a home cooked meal at “his” place. She smiles knowingly and nods, heading out. If I didn’t know any better, I might think that she really does think he’s Mulder and that he’s just offered her a lovely roll in the hay. But, sadly, she doesn’t and he… still isn’t. But she’s not going to be Van Blundht’d again. Oh, no. She’s way smarter than Lois Lane.

Plexiglas Prison That in No Way Resembles Hannibal Lecter’s Holding Cell. Mulder’s lying on the cold metal slab that is his bed, listening to the Hopi woman/fighter pilot blabitty blab on about how when “Buzzsaw” gets on your “zero”, “he’s like a damn dog tick”. Mulder’s having none of this, finally yelling at her, “Hey, Grandma Top Gun, will you shut the hell up?” I wonder if she looks suggestively at Val Kilmer, too. Mulder’s about to ask about that when Grandma Top Gun (or GTG for short) gets up and flicks her cigarette on Mulder’s jacket, right through those conveniently placed slats that separate the cells. She informs Mulder of his new “bitch” status and he lunges back at her, trying to grab her neck. “Hey, I’m only one person’s bitch and she’s the reason I’m in here!” he exclaims. She backs off and laughs just as his door opens. The guard informs him that General Wegman, who, until now, was known simply as “sir” or the “old man”, wants to see him.

Mulder is ushered into the “old man’s” office. NotSpender (aka Howard) and NoName (aka Jeff) are also in the room, along with the old man himself (aka Wegman). Mulder’s worried that he’s about to get found out, but stays silent. Wegman then caves, telling him that he has “a set” on him. A set of what? Nipples the size of dinner plates? Oh, wait. That was Duchovny on Saturday Night Live. Apparently, they thought that Mulder’s dumbass move of taking the wrong flight data recorder and giving that to the FBI was genius, and that he was “running a scam on the FBI.” After a moment, he picks up what they’re layin’ down, and plays the “I totally knew what I was doing the entire time even though not really” card. He’s all, “I didn’t know if I could trust you,” because of the security leak. He “decided [he] should approach Agent Scully alone to find out who her contact is. Unfortunately, her partner, Agent Mulder,” he says with so much disgust and frustration that you begin to redefine the notion of ‘hating yourself’, “screwed everything up.” NotSpender asks if the real flight data recorder is safe, but Mulder thought he had the real one so he has no frickin’ clue. But, of course, he doesn’t tell them that. He chuckles, assuring them that it’s safe. Wegman admires his chutzpah and scolds the other two guys. He’s recommending censure for locking up their coworker with the GTG and forcing him to be someone’s bitch. Oh, chasquido.

Casa de Mulder. Morris enters with grocery bags in hand. He notes with some disdain that there’s no bedroom. Wouldn’t he have realized that when he was romancin’ the Bottle Blond in the first half? Or did they, gasp, do it on Mulder’s sofa de lurve, star of numerous “first time” fanfic lovemaking sessions? Cause, ew. He pulls out some candles and opens a nearby door which, if I recall correctly, wasn’t always there. Inside, he finds boxes piled high (X-Files, I assume… perhaps the ones he saved from the fire, or the really good ones that he didn’t want Spender and The Fowl One to get their mitts on), and soft core porn magazines. He comments that Mulder hasn’t been laid in ten years, but to that I say two things. 1. It’s actually more like four, and 2. In another year or so, he’s going to be making up for that long draught with a certain brainy redhead that we all know and love. So, nyah.

Back at The House of Fletcher, Mulder pulls up to find all of “his” things piled up in the middle of the driveway. A nondescript sedan follows him, but pulls over a couple blocks away. Mark Snow’s Piano Keys of Curiosity play in the background as Kris comes out of the house sportin’ a spankin’ new nose ring. Mulder, trying to play the cool dad, tells her he likes it and touches it gently. She jerks back. Oh, you baby. That didn’t hurt. She hops into the minivan to fume at the sheer unfairness of having this dorkface for a father. Even if he isn’t really her father. Not that she knows this. Terry comes out soon after, informing Mulder that his mother is taking a restraining order out on him. What’s that saying? Ain’t no woman like a woman scorned? Or something? Whatever; she’s pissed. Terry hops into the minivan and Kris pulls out erratically, in that defensive sixteen year old driver kinda way. Mulder heads inside to spy on the sedan that’s not doing a very good job of being sneaky, as Joanne comes up behind him to bitch him out some more. God, does she have a volume button? Or at least a… um, de-screetchifying one? She’s upset that he’s there and tells him to leave. He tries to explain to her the whole story, that he’s not really Morris, that he’s Mulder, and Scully’s his partner. Maybe he should partner up with Joanne, because she seems to be having more trouble with this whole thing than Scully did. She calls Scully “Special Tramp Dana Scully” which is hilarious, though totally not who she is. Except for that one time when she almost had the affair with her med school teacher. But she wouldn’t have been a special anything at that time, so never mind.

So, he’s trying to explain that he just wants to get back into his body so her husband can get back in this one, but she just thinks he’s being all metaphory and tells him that men who have a midlife crisis don’t go around calling themselves “Fox”, they get a sports car. Which is odd because my dad made us all call him Fox for six months after his 50th birthday. Just kidding. Mulder shows her the not-so-secret car outside and explains that they’re after him and if something happens to him then something happens to her husband. She still doesn’t believe him, though, and tells him that she can’t blame him for not liking who he’s become, but “this flight from reality isn’t the answer.” Whatever, Screechy McScreechinstein.

Hee. It’s the awesome scene. Okay, so Scully shows up at Mulder’s for that home cooked meal, and Morris answers the door with a stupid grin and an even stupider “something smells good”–emblazoned apron. She enters, taking in the candles, the mood lighting, the cleanliness, and immediately dropkicks him. “You’re not fooling me again, you shape shifting, smooth-talking, tail-having asshole!” No, not really. She’s wary, though, as he removes her coat and hangs it up. He snarks that he (meaning Mulder) is too old to live like a frat boy (ironically, Mulder doesn’t strike me as a frat kinda guy, especially since I doubt they have fraternities at Oxford. Maybe he’s making up for lost time.)(Hee! Lost time!) He gives her a mini tour of the apartment, paying particular attention to the now-spotless bedroom. Y’know, the one with the leopard-print bedspread and convenient handcuff bar. Morris invites her to have a seat at the foot of the bed. She refuses, smiling this incredibly brilliant ScullySmile, but he playfully grabs her arm and pulls her over. I would have LOVED to see this scene from her POV, with Duchovny being all hot and seductive. But, alas, Chris Carter probably thought that we saw enough of that in Small Potatoes. What he doesn’t get, though, is that we can never see enough of Seductive!Mulder, especially if it’s Scully he’s trying to seduce. Oh, and the bed? It is of water. Of course. They fall back on the bed and ride the wave as Scully exclaims, “Oh!”, and we see a bit of her point of view through the mirror above the bed. Nice. Mulder and Scully in bed, and I can’t help but notice his shirt has ridden up just a little, revealing a small patch of yummy skin. What? Oh. Focus! Okay, she seems to be admiring him, too, and we hear Mulder – in actual Mulder voice – remark that maybe he likes to read the New York Times backwards. Hee. He asks her if she hates it, and she gets this wistful look on her face, like, “Oh, if only you weren’t some kind of nefarious non-Mulder, because I’d totally jump you right now,” and tells him that she doesn’t hate it. Morris hops back up and heads to the kitchen, where he’s got champagne chilling and flutes, um, chillin’. He carries them back into the bedroom while singing Barry White’s “Let’s Get It On,” but I can’t help but be reminded of the blooper in which the camera bumps into something and they all start laughing. Ah, good times.

After what would normally be commercials, we fade in on Morris and Scully sitting on the bed, laughing and getting ready to drink the champagne. She’s not really falling for this, is she? The alcohol, the amiable demeanor, the lack of desire to chase aliens… it all adds up to something not quite right. Oh, man, she’s flirting back! She asks, “Do you know what would really be fun?” and whips out a pair of handcuffs. This girl’s got a kinky side. Or she’s on to him. But given her past behavior… it could really go either way. Morris smiles, volunteering to go first. He snaps one cuff on his wrist and the other on the convenient handcuff bar. Oh, I guess it could be a head post/board thing, too. He looks at her in anticipation, which suddenly turns to terror as he finds her pointing her gun at him. Yay! She totally got it! I always believed in you, Scully! She’s all, “Where’s my touchstone, bitch?” (that touchstone thing never gets old). Then there’s this tasteless joke in which the champagne bottle pops while he’s holding it between his legs, and then he whines, “Baby…” She growls, “Baby me and you’ll be peeing through a catheter.” She surely knows. She can install them. You know, the whole medical doctor thing. So, he caves, talking about how he doesn’t know how to switch them back and that he dislikes his wife, his kids, his mortgage and his job. Oh, boo hoo, Man in Black. At least you didn’t get kidnapped by the government, made barren, given cancer, gotten cured, been thrown down numerous sets of stairs, and ultimately has the love of her life abducted and returned dead, only to be raised three months later after she’s discovered to be mysteriously pregnant. No one’s life’s a picnic, okay? That’s all I’m sayin’.

So, Morris is calling her bluff, telling her that he’s not even going to try and switch things back and no one will believe her, anyway, so she better just get used to him. Yea, no. She’s not buyin’ that, no how. She points the gun again and offers to shoot him instead. He then insists, in this totally over-the-top and unbelievable way, that he doesn’t know how to change things back. She switches tactics, asking him about Mulder’s source inside Area 51 and he, again, swears he has no idea. Just then, the phone rings. They let the machine get it (understandably) and we can hear this totally dorky message insisting that the caller “leave a message” “because I’m very busy entertaining a very special guest.” Then we hear a voice which sounds vaguely familiar but we’re not really memorizing the guest stars’ voices in this episode so it could be anyone’s (even though it’s totally Wegman’s) and he’s trying Mulder one last time and asks, “Are you or are you not interested in the classified information I have to give you?” Scully motions for Morris to pick up the phone and he does, holding it so both of them can hear. Wegman tells them to “listen very carefully”, and we fade into the next scene.

Palazzo de Fletcher. Mulder’s still hangin’ out in front of the window watching the not-so-secret surveillers in the car across the street. Joanne approaches him with his luggage, commenting on how he couldn’t wait to leave before and now she can’t get him to. He then has a lightbulb-in-a-thought-bubble idea and suggests that they go “someplace with a lot of people”. She’s like, “In Rachel, Navada?” (and, yay, she pronounces Nevada right, too!). He then gets all faux-affectionate and strokes her face, all sweet. “Whaddya say?”

So, my co-worker was telling me about how she and her boyfriend were driving up from Las Vegas and took this famed Extraterrestrial Highway past Area 51. They even stopped at a small bar called, I kid you not, “Little A’Le”Inn”. Which is the name of the bar in this episode. Even though she swears, up and down, that she’s never even seen the X-Files. So, yea. This place really exists. Which I find kind of cool. Anyway, the sign we see is lit and big and has a little grey – I’m guessing Reticulan – peeking over the edge. A car pulls into the lot and we realize that it’s Scully’s. She and Morris are inside it, and they go over the plan. Morris is supposed to go inside and hook up with their source, who’s wearing a Buffalo Bills cap, and “if I try and slip out the back door, da da da, dee, dee, dee…” and then asks if they can start over, with the handcuffs and everything. She cocks her gun. Nice. He jumps out and practically sprints toward the bar.

The inside of the Little A’Le’Inn reminds me a lot of that bar that Mulder & Scully went into in Deep Throat. Lots of kitschy alien memorabilia. It looks like a really fun place to hang out, though, although Morris is clearly not happy to be there. As he looks around, the camera refocuses to the space behind him and we see, in the behind-the-bar mirror’s reflection, “Mulder” walking around. Over in the corner, our Mulder is sharing cocktails with Joanne, who thinks he’s really there waiting for someone else and, if he is, he should tell her now so she can divorce him and take the house. He laughs and orders up another glass of wine. Morris, meanwhile, finds Mr. Buffallo Bills Cap and – surprise! – it’s Wegman. Aw, man, this is confusing to write about. Okay, so Mulder sees some other Men in Black enter the bar and fakes like he’s going to the bathroom while Morris converses with Wegman about how he sabotaged the craft to show Mulder that they really existed. Mulder sneaks outside and opens a nearby car door. That just happens to be Scully’s. What a coink-i-dink! He’s happy to see her (no, not in that “banana in your pants” kinda way, you pre-vert) and she correctly guesses that it’s Mulder. Yay! She can see past the Michael McKean suit into the real guy! He’s all, whatcha doin’? She’s all, “tryin’a figure out a way to help you,” while Morris asks Wegman if he’s disgruntled. See? It’s all cutting back and forth. Wegman points out that the real flight data recorder is by “Mulder’s” feet as Joanne heads outside looking for her husband. She finds “him”, of course, in the car with Scully. And guess what? She’s pissed! I bet you’re surprised! She stalks back inside and sits down as Morris, across the bar, picks up the flight data recorder and heads out. On his way, he notices his wife sitting there, alone, and gets this forlorn look on his face. What, ho? The man’s got sympathy face! How odd! Then he notices No Name and other MIBs looking for “Morry” and saunters into the bathroom as Joanne spots Mulder coming back inside. She walks up to him and splashes her wine on his face. Which, given her present depressive state, is kinda tame. He’d have his balls in a vice if he were my cheatin’ husband. Even though he’s not really cheating, but whatever. I’m not even married. NoName plays peacemaker as Mulder heads into the bathroom to clean up. He looks into the mirror and sees his own reflection. Like, for realz! Morris is standing right behind him!

New paragraph. Whew. Okay, so Mulder shoves Morris up against the wall and asks him if he wants the ass-kicking that are the ever-present phenomena in Mulder’s own life. And he’s about to offer him up one, himself. Morris shows Mulder the flight data recorder and tells him that they could be killed if they’re seen together. Mulder orders Morris to take it to Scully, and Morris snarks about Mulder’s “waxy buildup” (although, since he’s in your body, wouldn’t you be the one with the waxy buildup, technically?) and they argue about who’s trusted the least by the MIBs outside. Wegman, meanwhile, spots his insubordinate… subordinates and heads in the opposite direction fast. Into… the bathroom. Where he finds Morris and Mulder hiding in the bathroom stall. What the…?

Scully comes into the bar and sees NoName talking to Joanne as Wegman escorts the MIBs outside. He points to Mulder who’s carrying what looks like the FDR (flight data recorder, not the former President) but is really a bag of beer. Meanwhile, Morris and Scully make off with the real one. Sneaky!

Apparently, the Lone Gunmen have an alternate headquarters in Nevada, because it seems like Morris and Scully are at their pad mere moments later. Oh, and yay! It’s the Lone Gunmen! They’re eating dinner (I think it’s so cute, by the way, that they totally live together, as well as being best friends and co-writers of that awesome conspiracy rag). Huevos Rancheros. And practicing their Spanish. Scully rings the doorbell with Mulder – I mean, Morris – in tow. They don’t know that, though. As Morris marvels at the inside of their lair, Scully hands off the FDR and tells them she needs everything on there as soon as possible. Byers takes it apart, impressed that they got it at Area 51. While they’re telling her the latest in Area 51 conspiracy theories, Morris is hanging out reading one of their old papers and chuckling. They’re all, “What’s up with the Muld-Man?” and she has to go through this whole spiel about how he’s not really Mulder and yadda yadda yadda we’ve heard this like three times in the last hour and a half. Halfway through the explanation, she hands it off to Morris, who insists he “assumed Mulder’s identity through a warp in the space/time continuum.” They all laugh, but then, seeing Scully’s “we are not amused” reaction, are like, “Holy Shit!”

Okay, so one thing I didn’t mention was that there was this brief, seemingly throwaway sentence in the first half about how Morris’ job at Area 51 is to come up with the cover stories for all the secret stuff they do. Like, he’s basically the guy who plants false stories in rags like The Lone Gunmen in order to cover up what’s really going on. So, in this scene, he tells them all about all the shit that’s in their paper that he made up, including several he made up while on the toilet. Nice. He calmly explains that Saddam Hussein is really an Oklahoman (!) who they found doing dinner theater. Then that whole hanging thing must have been a viral video fakeout, right? No? You mean John Gilnitz isn’t really Saddam? Madness! Frohicke’s about to launch at Morris like a flying squirrel when Scully puts the kabbash on it and tells them that the only way they can get Mulder back is to figure out what’s in that FDR. She gives Morris this, “behave” look and he grins cheekily.

Back at the ol’ top secret military testing facility, Wegman is shredding papers as Mulder enters his office. He explains that Scully is on a flight back with the FDR, but that Wegman better get out of there because Morris will surely rat his ass out when he gets back. If he gets back, Wegman reminds Mulder. Either way, NoName and NotSpender will figure it out soon enough. Mulder wants to know why he sabotaged the craft in the first place, and Wegman explains that he wanted Mulder to see it. He didn’t mean for it to crash. Why did he want Mulder to see it? Because he wanted to share his dirty little alien secret before he died with someone who would appreciate it. Basically. Then he starts asking Mulder about aliens, like has he seen one, and what they’re like. Mulder’s all, don’t you know? Wegman explains that they just get the technology from another base out in Utah and just fly them. Uh… what?

Back at the Gunman Haus (these are getting harder to come up with. Gah!), they’re finally into the flight data recorder and notice all this extra stuff inside, like readings for “tachyon flux”, “gravitational displacement”, etc. Scully grabs Morris and drags him out of the building. But not before Morris gets a chance to call Frohicke “Sneezy”, which I always find amusing.

Ah, the C story finally arrives. These three hippies, or stoned – or even just really excited – people are out running around in the Nevada desert and come across the “black mailbox”, which is supposedly some kind of Area 51 marker. Only thing is, this mailbox is white. Hippie 1 claims that “they painted it white to hide it.” Right. Hippies 2 and 3 are making out and totally ignoring him (I suppose I should mention that Hippie 3 is a girl, but would it really matter? Honestly?) while Hippie 1 is talking about lights in the sky. There’s this noise approaching them and what looks like a ripply wave of energy that passes through them. Hippie 1 is all, “Cool!”, but Hippies 2 and 3 can’t say anything because they’ve been mushed together at the face. Gross. It’s like the lizard and the rock, but imagine the girl as the lizard and the dude as the rock.

Anonymous meeting place for Mulder and Scully, also known as the Barn of Sunflower Seeds and Long Goodbyes. Scully gets out of the car, leaving Morris inside, and walk toward Mulder, who is already out of his. He’s worried he’s going to have to put two kids through college (and invest in earplugs), and Scully confirms his fears by telling him that the crash data said that the “anomalous event” was random and they have no way of recreating it to reverse the situation. And, even if they could, he may end up with his head in a rock. Aw. Can I just pause for a second that they both look incredibly attractive like this, all lit with headlights? Okay, and, resume. So, Mulder asks about him, meaning Morris, (who, incidentally, is in the car picking his teeth in the rearview mirror), and Scully tells him about how he’s Kersh’s new golden boy, and how she’s been fired from the FBI and can come on full time as his permanent mistress. Maybe if he lost about 30 pounds, dyed his hair, and had extensive plastic surgery, anyway. Mulder wants her to get her job back but she’s not too concerned, basically saying-without-saying that she’s not really interested in going back without him. She then offers up, “I’d kiss you if you weren’t so damn ugly”, which I think is just a cop out – now that you can’t, really, is the time to joke about it? Regardless, at least she wants to kiss him. Too bad it takes, like a year and a half for it to actually happen. As they stare wistfully into each other’s eyes, Morris beeps the horn and shouts, “Take a picture – it’ll last longer!” Mulder seethes, “If I shoot him, is it murder or suicide?” and Scully replies, “Neither, if I do it first.” Then she sort of pats his arm and effectively says goodbye. As she starts to walk away, he calls her back and places a small handful of sunflower seeds in her palm. He then picks one out and pops it into his mouth as he walks away. Aw, again. She smiles and they part for good. Just kidding. For about 10 minutes. He watches her drive off and heads into his car to bawl his eyes out about what was, is, and never will be.

Hippie 1 jumps out in front of a car that turns out to be NotSpender’s. NotSpender gets out and follows him over to where his friends are stuck together, telling him about the wave and the… uh… sticking together. But when they get there, the couple is totally unstuck! Uh-oh. Slingshot time!

Morning. Morris and Scully are heading back to, I’m guessing, the Vegas airport. Morris is yammering on about how being an FBI agent gets him a sweet hotel deal as Scully stares listlessly out the window. Morris then asks her if she’d like him to talk to Kersh on her behalf, maybe get her job back? She’s all, “No thanks. I have a date with an overweight balding MIB with my one in five billion inside him.” She sees something outside and demands he stop the car. She gets out and notices the gas station that was destroyed in the last episode. But now it’s in perfect condition and the attendant is alive and not at all stuck to the floor. She’s all, “What the…” but then realizes that there is, indeed, a slingshot thing goin’ on.

The MIBs are back in the Plexiglas Prison, grabbing the Indian lady and the pilot. Mulder, meanwhile, is moving out of the Fletcher house when Scully and Morris pull up. Mulder’s all, “Didn’t I just say, like, goodbye forever to you?” and Joanne sees Scully outside and again, to my utter shock, starts yelling. As Mulder and Scully go off to talk, Morris heads over to Joanne, who is trying in vain to move the Laz-E-Boy onto the driveway. Morris tries to explain to her that he really is her husband, telling her about their wedding and their first apartment in Pentagon city or when she was pregnant. She’s, like, Oh Em Gee! It’s really you! And you seem like a partway decent guy! Hopefully he won’t ever tell her that he cheated on her with Kersh’s Bottle Blond Secretary. I have a feeling she won’t take it well, body switching notwithstanding. Mulder and Scully approach the now happy couple, and they talk about getting to a place where they can switch back. But before they leave, the ubiquitous white Jeeps pull up and the MIBs inside grab all three of them and head back to the base. I think NotSpender realized what was going on with Mulder and Morris. They all exposit that, if they can get in the slingshot’s path, it’ll be like the last three days never happened and that’s in the best interests of everyone. Morris is all, “In that case, Dana, it’s been real,” and dares to slap her ass again. Mulder just about lunges at his throat, but the ripple goes through before he can.

And we’re back where we started. Mulder and Morris exchange chills, but neither one seems to remember. Mulder and Scully get back in their cars and head for home.

Back at the ol’ Mulder homestead, Mulder gets a call from Scully, who’s decided to go back to work after getting off a flight from Vegas. What a diligent little worker she is. Anyway, she informs him that they slipped under Kersh’s radar and is sorry that his source didn’t pan out. Mulder thanks her for joining him, even though he knows it’s not her normal life. They hang up and Mulder heads inside his apartment. In the office, Scully notices the melded-together penny & dime and eyes it curiously while Mulder checks his apartment door to make sure it’s his place. It’s so… clean, and he has a bedroom! This can’t possibly be his apartment, even though is key worked! Crazy!

From inside the apartment, we hear him dialing his phone and then, “Scully, wanna come over and help me test out my new waterbed?”

The End.

Now, I could go into the whole spiel about how time seems to have passed in D.C. but not in Nevada because his apartment’s different. Or, if it didn’t, we could speculate that the slingshot actually reverses the entire world back three days and just hasn’t reached D.C., yet. If that were true, a)that thing’s damn slow if they could fly back to D.C. and, more importantly, get through security, before it passes over, and b)Mulder would wake up with his apartment back the way it was, which wouldn’t explain what happens in Monday. So, I don’t know how they explain it. Or if they even can explain it. But I’m not, because I know it’s been talked about to death at TWoP and no one’s any closer to making sense of it. Not even our resident mytharc-o-gist, ejluther. At any rate, that was a fun episode, even if it was about 43 minutes too long. Hope you all got as much enjoyment out of these two episodes as I did!

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Recap by Starbucket

Okay, so, a couple things before starting this recap. First off, this is one of very few episodes that features Mulder and Scully in the teaser. A bit of trivia, there. No need to thank me. The other thing? I once drove this highway coming back from Tucson (via Vegas), and Michael McKean never stopped me. So don’t go thinkin’ this happens to everyone. Just Mulder and Scully. All that bein’ said, let’s play our game!

The Scroll in the Font of Courier New With Caps Lock On tells us that we’re on Highway 375 in rural Nevada. Which could really be anywhere that isn’t Lake Tahoe, Reno, or Vegas (ooh, don’t forget Laughlin! … Maybe only Nevadans get that joke. Never mind.), but is really this stretch of road outside of Vegas that is affectionately known as “The Extraterrestrial Highway”. Though, sadly, you don’t ever get to see actual extraterrestrials on it. It’s also 11:17 PM. A car whizzes by and suddenly we’re inside. It’s Mulder! And Scully! And Mulder’s driving! Oh, so that’s not so exciting. And it’s really dark. I mean, I know it’s 11:17pm and all, but you can hardly see their faces. If there were a kiss in this scene, I’d be extremely upset. That’s how dark it is. Anyway, he’s telling her that the only have two miles left, and Scully’s tingling. Or, erm, “all a-tingle”. She asks Mulder, in that affectionately chastising voice we all know and love, how he knows that his so-called “clandestine source” isn’t “another crackpot whose encyclopedic knowledge of extraterrestrial life isn’t derived exclusively from reruns of Star Trek.” There’s a joke to be had here about Klingons circling Uranus, but I can’t quite get the bat off my shoulder. Anyway, Mulder tells Scully that this source works inside Area 51 and as he begins to explain what Area 51 is – because she’s 12 and has NO idea – when she interrupts and finishes his thought. “Marry me,” he says, awed by her. Oh, wait. That’s Chinga. In this one, he exclaims that proof of E.T. life (extraterrestrial is too long to type, althought I just did, so nevermind) is in there. And this is when Scully gets all metaphory with driving and stopping the car and getting out instead of watching their lives pass them by. Which is all well and good, but if I were Mulder, I’d be a little frustrated. Not more than a couple months previous, he practically begged her to “go be a doctor” and she refused. Why is she complaining about this now? Maybe she’s just tired. It is 11:17pm, after all.

So, he responds to her “don’t you want a normal life?” with “This is a normal life,” (which it totally isn’t, but he’s pretty so we’ll ignore his occasional stupidity) when the headlights from a car approach them from the right. Mark Snow’s Lower Keys on the Piano of Doom pound away as what turns out to be several cars skid to a halt right in front of them, blocking their path. Ooh, they’re behind them, too. Men get out, all heavily armed and fatigue-wearing. They request that Mulder and Scully get out of their car, which they do, hands held high. Out of one of the cars emerges… gasp! It’s CSM! With the smoking and the backlit silhouette! No, just kidding. Nice fakeout, Chris Carter. It’s really Michael McKean, star of awesome movies like Best in Show and Spinal Tap (and who, incidentally, seems to be married to Clark’s mom on Smallville, but that’s neither here nor there) and some awesomely bad movies like Earth Girls Are Easy. Not!CSM walks right up to M&S and asks for their IDs. They oblige, and he sighs. These damn FBI agents, gettin’ all up in his bid’nis. He tells them that they have to turn around because the road boarders a US Testing Ground, but not, by any means, Area 51. Nope. Nothing to see here! (“Cows turn themselves inside out all the time!” – South Park) Of all people, Scully calls him out, asking him if he’s testing crafts using U.F.O. technology. Guess she becomes a believer after a few hours in the car on a deserted Nevada highway. Yea, Not!CSM thinks they’re crazy and turns to head back to his car. Scully grabs Mulder’s arm and pulls him into an embrace. No, not really. She tries to get him back into the car, but then there’s this rumbling. And a light. A bright… light! It passes over Mulder and Scully and they’re illuminated in a way that is, well, that’s really attractive for both of them. Not!CSM has this look on his face like, “God Dammit! They just totally blew my cover!” As it hovers directly over Mulder’s head, there’s this whooshing noise and a ripple before the space craft seems to malfunction and either land or crash.

When Mulder looks back down, he’s looking at Scully. But he’s wearing Not!CSM’s suit! What just happened? Is this that Jody Foster movie where she switches bodies with her mom? Or, for the youngsters in the audience, that Lindsay Lohan movie where she switches bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis? It might as well be. Mulder’s all, WTF?!, as Not!CSM, now wearing Mulder’s pectastic grey shirt (although not so pectastic on McKean) and blue jeans, calmly gets back in the car with Scully and the two of them drive off.

Credits. Has anyone noticed that The Bionic Woman credits are trying to go for the same tone as these but are failing miserably? No? Just me?

We’re back. Mulder starts to run after the car as it drives away. A military guy asks if he wants him to open fire, but Mulder’s all, “My touchstone is in that car, you ass! Put your gun down!” As Army Boy asks what Mulder’s orders are, he contemplates for a second. Clearly these men are at his command, which is kinda cool in a totally freaked out kinda way. After a beat, Mulder tells Army Boy that he wants to get outta there. He gets into the passenger seat of a car and a voice from behind him keeps calling him Morris. That must be Not!CSM’s name. Oh, look! It’s Jeffrey Spender! Just kidding. Another fakeout. This guy is named “Howard” and the guy next to him, in shadow, doesn’t have a name yet. Howard asks why “Morris” let the FBI agents leave, and Mulder answers that they didn’t know anything. Which is kinda true, actually. No Name adds that they can’t just “disappear” two FBI agents.

Big Friggin’ Sign That Reads “Area 51”. You’d think a top secret testing facility would be a little less obvious, but whatever. Their car pulls through the gate and passes a bunch of stealth-bomber-like aircraft. Inside a building, “Morris”, Howard, and No Name are asked for their Identification. “Morris” looks at his, and it’s a badge with McKean’s mug plastered on it. I think he’s finally getting the hint, boys and girls. He shows the guard “his” ID and looks at himself in the surveillance camera. The face looking back at him is also not his own. And, hey, credits tell us that this episode was written by John Gilnitz! Cool! He’s a popular guy in this episode. No Name makes an offhand remark that “the old man” is still here, and Howard rushes off to find out what’s going on. No Name swipes his card in a… card swiper thingy, and Mulder watches. It’s a good thing Area 51’s security is so tight that all you need is one of those cards with your picture on it and not have to know any, y’know, codes or anything. Mulder follows No Name’s lead and swipes his card at another door that has Morris’ name on it. Morris Fletcher, we learn. Inside the office, Mulder takes a gander at the photos on the wall. Morris and Newt Gindrich, Morris and The Reagans… aw, man! Another Republican? What’s with this show’s liberal agenda, making all Republicans bad guys? Not that I don’t agree with the show’s liberal agenda, but it’s a little obvious. Oh, look! It’s Morris and Sadam! Or is it John Gilnitz? I can never be sure. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, we’ll get to that later. Anyway, as Mulder examines the photos, he seems to finally realize that this… Republican… is with Scully. Help! Scully’s trapped in a car with a Republican! Who smokes! Okay, I’ll stop. Sorry to offend those more conservative readers. Each his own, and what not.

The real Morris Fletcher – the one in the Mulder suit – pulls into a gas station. Scully is concerned because he’s been silent since the confrontation. “Mulder” is fine. “Gas cap’s on your side.” He’s a prince, this one. She gets out and begins to pump gas as her phone rings. “Mulder” is fiddling with the radio and can’t hear it, so she has to hop back into the car to pick it up, turning down the radio and giving “Mulder” a dirty look. Oh, she’s gonna be a great mother. Except not really since William ends up being kidnapped, almost killed twice, and ultimately put up for adoption all before his first birthday.

By the time she picks up, though, Mulder – the real Mulder – has to hang up. No Name bursts into his office exclaiming, “Bastard!” Back at the gas station, Scully hangs up and gets back out. “Mulder” asks her to pick him up some Morleys (Morley’s slogan? “The choice for fictional characters. Preferably evil.”). “You don’t smoke!” Scully exclaims. And Morris answers with this little gem, “You’re not gonna be a Nazi about it, are you?” Taking a moment to decide whether to chew him out on the dangers of smoking or just slam the door in his face, Scully decides upon the latter and heads inside the little shop.

No Name is back in Morris’ office, explaining to Mulder that there’s definitely a leak. Someone called the FBI this morning from “Wegman’s” office. Mulder has no idea who that is, so each time No Name says something, Mulder just repeats it with this “I obviously have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m pretending like I do” voice. Basically, Mulder’s leak came from within the “old man’s” office. No Name says about the leak, “He’s rubbing our noses in… the fact that he works in this building, that he has access to everything, all our work.” He doesn’t for a minute suspect Wegman himself because that would be too obvious. Just before Mulder is forced to react to No Name’s anger, the phone rings. He picks it up to hear a very shrill Nora Dunn on the other end (who was awesome in Three Kings, but I was never a fan of her on SNL) bitching about why he isn’t home yet and not to forget the milk. Ah, marriage. It seems so fun. Mulder notices a picture of Morris’s family, which includes an average-looking pre-teen son and a, let’s say, generously be-schnozzled teenage daughter. What a joy that family must be. No Name confirms that it’s “the wife”, then cracks an invisible whip at Mulder, making that oh-so-classy “wuck-shh” sound as Mulder just looks like he got hit with a truck. No Name invites “Morris” to go home with him (no, not like that; they’re just carpooling together) and the next scene is No Name dropping Mulder off in front of a modest two story home in the middle of the night. He sorta looks around, then, resigned, heads inside. I find it incredibly amusing that there’s this entire community out in the middle of the desert somewhere. Shopping must be a bitch.

He cracks open the door quietly and surveys the entry hall. It’s interesting that even though it’s – again – a super top secret organization, they don’t feel it necessary to lock their doors. Anyway, Mulder heads straight for the phone to, I presume, try and call Scully again. What he hears isn’t even a dial tone; it’s an operator asking to whom the call should be directed. Hey, I thought only the President got that kinda phone service! Cool! Anyway, Mulder doesn’t want his call traced so he says “Good Night” and quietly hangs up. The next scene is him sneaking into the master bedroom to find Nora Dunn already asleep. The music is all tense and he’s all shadowy, even thought the scene is incredibly tame. Did he expect to find an alien asleep in there? He shuts the doors again and finds a comfortable spot on the Laz-E-Boy in front of the sofa. He flips until – what else – soft core porn is on the TV, then he lies back to sleep. It’s hilarious that he sleeps to porn, rather than doing what… other people do while watching it. So I’ve heard. Eh-hem. Moving on.

Ooh, now we’re getting somewhere. We’re looking at the wreckage of a plane crash. Or at least a craft crash, but that doesn’t quite roll of the tongue the same way. Men in silver suits walk around with fire extinguishers as a white Jeep Cherokee flies toward them at a speed that can’t be safe. An older guy gets out of the car, and by the way NotSpender is sucking up to him, I’m guessing he’s the “old man” that No Name was taking about earlier. His uniform indicates he’s some kind of General or Captain, or whatever rank is at the top of the Area 51 Secret-Alien-Technology-Testing-Military chain of command. NotSpender is telling this “old man” that the craft seems to have lost altitude over Highway 375 right around 23:17 hrs (that’s 11:17 to you and me – sound familiar?), although they can’t figure out why. They have the flight data recorder, though, so that should help. And the pilots? Well… let’s just say the co-pilot’s a rock star (get it? Sigh. Okay, not my best work, I’ll admit) while the pilot’s gone catatonic. No, seriously. The co-pilot seems to have merged with a nearby rock on what seems to be a molecular level! Gross! And the pilot, thankfully whole (and kinda cute), was found rocking quietly back and forth and muttering something in a Native American dialect. And the guy’s totally white! What the…?

Ooh, back at the FBI, Scully is waiting outside Kersh’s office, looking smokin’, as usual. She sees “Mulder” walk past the office all nonchalant-like and calls him inside like a disobedient puppy. It’d be kinda cute if it was really Mulder and not this asshole. He smiles and calls her “Dana” – EVEN THOUGH NO ONE’S DIED; clearly he’s not her Mulder – and tells her that he got a little “lost in [his] head” and that’s why he was late. As he flirts with Kersh’s secretary, Scully just looks at him like he’s way crazier than usual. Ms. Bottle Blond behind the desk informs them that Kersh is waiting and “Mulder” practically sprints into the office.

And here’s Kersh. Ah, James Pickens, Jr., how I both love and loathe you. First, let me say that you are awesome on Grey’s Anatomy. You bring a sense of warmth and gravitas to the series that I really enjoy. Aaaand then there’s this performance. Where’s the warmth? The grandfatherly advice? The need to watch old movies with Patrick Dempsey and McSteamy while eating cold pizza and whining about whether Meredith Grey’s mother really loved you? It’s just not there, and the character’s the worse for it, if you ask me. Anyway, it goes without saying that every other word he says is emphasized, so I’m not even going to bother typing all that out like Jessica does it. Basically, he’s not happy that Mulder and Scully were in Nevada (one point in his favor… at least he pronounces “Nevada” right, unlike half the cast of CSI even though the show takes place there. It’s Navadah, not Nevaughdah.), and that this is the third time he’s lectured them about these “field trips”. And that they should, per the Pentagon, be reprimanded for trespassing on a top secret base, even though they were really just on the freeway. But let’s not let itsy bitsy stuff like “logic” get in the way of good storytelling. Then, he asks them whether their current caseload warranted such a trip, even though, again, logic-be-damned, they weren’t exactly on duty at the time and it could have been considered a private expedition. It’s not like Mulder submitted an expense report. But Fletcher-as-Mulder explains calmly to Kersh that they were contacted by someone on the base and that, “If [he] had the name [he]’d give it to [him]. Some whistle-blower working inside the so-called Area 51.” Then he babbles on about how the whole thing was a “gigantic mistake” on their part. Meanwhile, Scully is just looking at both of them like “What the hell is going on here?” And when “Mulder” agrees with Kersh that he should not be investigating the X-Files, she shoots this “if looks could kill” glance his way that Mulder would have found incredibly sexy but Fletcher just blows off. Now Fletcher is apologizing to Kersh for their “blatant disregard of [his] direct order.” I’d imagine that Kersh was speechless, but they cut straight from Fletcher to them leaving the office, so I guess we just have to assume he was. Oh, and didja catch how he gave the Bottle Blond a little look, there? And is it considered cheating on Scully if Mulder’s body has sex even though Mulder wasn’t in it at the time? That question comes into play later.

Scully just chases after him as he leaves the office, just totally pissed off at him. She’s so cute when she’s angry. And as she’s lecturing him he totally walk away, mid-sentence, to hit on the Bottle Blond again. Right in front of her! Doesn’t he know she’s his one in five billion?! The person with whom he should be picking out china patterns? The one who’s turned on by his boyish agility? Doesn’t he see?! As he returns, she verbally bitch-slaps him with, “What is going on with you?” Okay, so a minor bitch-slap. I’m surprised; after Eddie Van Blundht you’d think she’d be a little more aware that maybe he’s not who he seems. Anyway, she claims he’s acting bizarre and he grins devilishly, “Jealous?” and walks away, slapping her ass. Classy. I’m surprised she didn’t have to be held back, although she probably gets her fair share of playful ass-slappage in the bedroom. Maybe she was just surprised he took it public.

Ah, here’s the real Mulder. Or “Morris”, as I’ll call him whenever I remember to. He’s still asleep on the recliner, even though sunlight is pouring through the windows. He’s awakened to a smack on the head and immediately assumes it’s Scully, which definitely says something about the slapping and the bedroom thing. But it’s not. It’s Nora Dunn, and she’s hella pissed that he fell asleep to porn in the living room. She turns the TV off and kicks down the footrest which forces him upright. “And who is Scully?” she demands. “Ah, you know,” he replies, “My significant other, but not in the widely understood definition of the term. She’s the one I want to have little UberScullys with. Y’know, my human credential.” But she ignores him, lecturing him on how he could have at least come to bed, pretend they have a happy marriage. Then she brings up a valid point – what if the kids had seen their dad watching porn? Because I know that’d scar me for life. “Morris” barely remembers he has kids. So, she stalks off and he follows her, asking about his car keys and looking totally overwhelmed. The aforementioned generously beschnozzled daughter comes down the stairs, and Mulder incorrectly guesses that she’s Teri. He’s discovered how wrong he is when she starts bawling and runs back up the steps. “What did you do to Chris?” Nora screeches. Mulder just wants to find his damn keys, and who the hell names their daughter Chris and their son Teri, anyway? Because that’s just mean.

Then Teri comes down the hall, although I’m guessing he doesn’t spell it that way. Mulder’s comforted by the fact that at least he knows his one’s name, then gets thrown off when Terry insists he be called Terrence, because “Terry’s for wusses.” Mulder snarks, “Like Terrence isn’t?” He follows Terrence into the kitchen, kind of surprised by the dystopic view of a family breakfast that is lain out in front of him. Nora is furiously beating some eggs because, as she reminds her “husband”, he forgot the milk. I notice with a kind of fascinated awe that the doors of their fridge perfectly match the kitchen cupboards. That’s some custom built shit right there. Do they have secret Home Depots in Area 51, too? Mulder just really wants his keys, and spots them on the kitchen counter. He practically lunges for them, but Nora grabs them first, insisting that she’s taking the minivan. I bet his patience is running out, if his flared nostrils are any indication. Just then Chris (although I bet it’s spelled Kris) enters the kitchen, and Nora asks her if she’s given her father his car keys yet. As Mulder reaches for them, she does that annoying thing that all teenagers who are pissed at their parents do… she “accidentally” drops them. Smooth. Mulder’s all, “whatever, this ain’t my fight,” and starts to hightail it outta there when Nora tells him that he was supposed to “give Kris an answer about her nose today.” Mulder’s all, “kill me now,” and eyes her schnozz warily. “I think she’s a little young for plastic surgery, don’t you think?” Oh, no. And he’s totally serious, too. Now, from this poor teenage girl’s POV, her father forgot her name, then told her she had a giant nose. Which, let’s face it, is true, but you don’t want to hear that from your father. Although judging from his interactions with Scully, her real dad’s not exactly a winner himself, is he? Anyway, Kris starts to cry again and runs out of the room as Nora snaps, “Oh, for God’s sake, Morris. A nose ring! She said she wants a nose ring!” D’oh! “Oh… well… my work here is done,” says Mulder. Yes, it is.

He finally heads toward the door and Nora follows him, grabbing his arm. She wants a straight answer: does he want a divorce? Mulder’s like, “Look, lady. I’m just trying to get back to my touchstone. Please let me go, okay? You seem like a nice, if shrill, person, and I’m sure when you’re husband gets back, he can give you a straight answer. But for now, please. Let me leave.” No, not really. He apologizes and says he’s not himself and discovers through the course of the conversation that the real Morris is an ass (but we already knew that, didn’t we, audience?) and Nora is really Joanne. She seems to be satisfied with the “not myself” answer, and lets it lie. But then she reminds him that he’s wearing the suit from yesterday. Heh, oops. I’m sure Mulder does that a lot.

So, he’s upstairs admiring the several black suits in the closet and making a clever comment about Johnny Cash, when the single most embarrassing moment of the season rears its ugly head. The mirror dance. Look, I get that Mulder wants to pull the Sam “Swiss Cheese Brain” Beckett, check-out-your-body-in-the-mirror-because-you’re-still-not-used-to-the-fact-that-it’s-not-your-own thing, but does he have to do the badly choreographed dance with the real Michael McKean on the other side and not keeping very good time? It’s so plainly and painfully obvious that they’re not in sync like, at all. Speaking of N*Sync, I need to say Bye, Bye, Bye to this entire sequence.

Okay, that was bad.

But not as bad as the dancing.

Mid-boogie, Joanne walks in on “Morris” with a phone and he makes like his finishing his Tai Chi. Don’t worry, Mulder. I’m sure nothing would surprise her, at this point. She hands him the phone and leaves the room. He starts to answer “Mulder”, but catches himself. “Jeff” is on the other line (who was, until now, known as “No Name”) telling him to get his ass down to the office “toot sweet”. I’m sure that’s not how you spell it, but I took German, not French, so sue me. Oh, and I had to look that phrase up (years ago, not just now). It means, like, right now. Really quickly. Stuff like that. As an aside, remember in Red Museum when that freaky voyeur caught someone “en flagrante delicto”? Yea, I had to look that one up, too. By the way, it means sex. Anyway, “Morris” is needed at work but Jeff can’t say anything more over the phone. Which, again, begs the question. Aren’t they on a top secret base? Shouldn’t their phone lines be, like, secure? Whatever.

Back to the white Indian pilot. NotSpender and “old man”, also known as “sir”, are talking about the pilot, who is rocking gently back and forth in a Plexiglas prison. He’s from Indiana, no known foreign language skills ( which, as I see it, is a testament to the failure of our education system, seeing as how nearly everyone in his age in Europe speaks at least two languages. ), but can suddenly speak Hopi. Since the crash, this pilot thinks he’s Lana Chi, a 75 year old Indian woman from the nearby Moapi Indian reservation. Anyone else thinkin’ sudden split personality disorder? Because you’d be wrong, suckas! NotSpender leads “sir” over to another Plexiglas room, where Mrs. Lana Chi is standing at attention. Not only does she salute, but she explains in perfect English that she is Captain Robert McDonnah and explains that the craft lost power “in the right rear quadrant”, but they couldn’t identify the malfunction. Oddly enough, “Sir” is not really surprised by this information.

We then cut to Tiger Woods. Or, at least, a badly rendered computer generated version of him playing golf. “Mulder”, aka Morris, is playing golf on his computer in the bullpen (wow – we’re not even allowed to have Tetris where I work) as Scully just stares at him. Her phone rings. It’s Mulder. No, I mean the real Mulder. Calling from a payphone. He apologizes for not calling sooner as she stares at who she thinks is Mulder. She’s like, “okay crazy person. I’ll listen for as long as it takes to trace this call, then you’re goin’ bye bye (yes, like N*Sync).” He tells her that the man she’s with is Morris Fletcher, and basically recaps what we saw in the beginning, with the body switching. She writes down the name, tells her “Mulder” to pick up the phone, as our Mulder catches her up on the plot so far. He asks her to come “out here” right away, but doesn’t think the line is secure enough to tell her why. Maybe it’s because Morris picked up the phone all loud and Mulder totally heard him. They hang up and Scully asks “Mulder” if that was his source. He says no, but that they should notify Kersh so he doesn’t chew their asses out again. She questions him, and he responds with, “Look, little lady. I think it’s time you got your panties on straight. We’re federal officers. We go by the book.” Two things. First, I would LOVE to see David Duchovny say that to her. Just morbid fascination, I guess. Second, I adore how she looks at him like he’s about to get his ass kicked. Did he seriously just “little lady” her? What are we in, like, 1956? I also think she’s starting to believe the crazy guy who called her a moment ago.

Mulder is inside the gas station picking up a pack of sunflower seeds. The attendant gives him eleven cents change, but Mulder tells him to keep it. “Wow,” the attendant says, “Maybe I’ll just close early.” Ha! I love sarcastic dayplayers. Mulder heads out to Morris’ car and pulls away. But the camera is focused on a nearby field as tumbleweeds roll past. They certainly got that part right. I have do drive over them to get out of my driveway when it’s windy. Know what it is? No? Wanna? No? I’m gonna tell you anyway. Nevada is overrun with sage bushes. When they get all dry, they break off and the wind rolls them up together (because they’re prickly) and that’s how you get a Nevadan tumbleweed. Aren’t you glad you know that now? I thought so.

The attendant, still inside the gas station shop, notices a rumbling. Then it’s pretty obvious because the entire building is shakin’ like an earthquake. He’s freakin’ out, glass is flyin’ everywhere but then…

Oh, it’s Mulder again. As he’s driving to work, his “buddies” fly past in their ubiquitous white Jeeps. The last one, driven by Jeff, slows down, and Jeff tells him to “turn around, big guy.” They pull over at the gas station where Mulder just was. It’s all to’ up. Mulder runs inside to find the attendant, and does. He’s partially been absorbed by the ground, all gross like. NotSpender tells him, “it’s happened again,” and Mulder is both curious and demanding that they get the guy a doctor. Jeff tells Mulder not to worry about him as one of the guys in fatigues shoots the guy in the head. Woah. I don’t think he’s gonna survive that, even with a doctor’s attention. As they exit, NotSpencer tells them to burn the building, and are confused by “Morris’s” sudden caring nature as the building goes up in flames.

Back on Scully, she’s exiting the elevator in Mulder’s apartment complex to find the Bottle Blond from Kersh’s office giving “Mulder” a little mouth-to-mouth. Standing up. And awake. I’ve basically run out of ways to describe how pissed (and possibly hurt) Scully is in this episode, but suffice it to say she’s not happy with him. She enters the apartment and tells “Mulder” that the trace on the call indicated that the caller, né Mulder, was 3 miles outside of Groom Lake at a payphone. Bingo! Maybe he’s Mulder’s source? Morris is all, “maybe so” as he puts his tie back on. He’s very noncommittal, this one. Come on, Scully, figure it out! Why doesn’t “Mulder” want to follow up on this? Because he’s NOT MULDER! He asks her if she’s out of her mind and, that’s it. She loses it. She says he’s out of his mind and that she should examine him for mental illness, drugs, or a massive head injury. “This is an X-File. Your life’s work. Your crusade.” His comeback? He calmly says, “As I understand it, we’re off the X-Files.” Argh! She just stalks off. Maybe NOW she gets it. “Morris looks in the mirror and we see the Sam Beckett effect used again here, but blessedly sparingly, as he calls Scully a bitch. Oh no he di’n’t! A million Scullyists just threw their remotes at the television.

Back at Area 51, NotSpender is showing everyone a lizard with his head in a rock that someone turned in to the local vet. All of these weird meldings and body switchings have happened within a few miles of each other. They plan to confirm where the “warp” began once they analyze the flight data recorder. Aw, man? They still haven’t done that yet? How long is this episode? NotSpender explains that this all is caused by a tear in the space/time continuum, and maybe their knowledge of extraterrestrials is derived from Star Trek reruns. “Sir” informs the audience that they’ve been flying these things since 1953 but this is the first time this has happened. Ack! This is a lot of information to type! Okay, so basically, the ship has “anti gravity propulsion” and the severe change in trajectory caused the tear. Ground zero is where they intercepted Mulder and Scully, but no one remembers it (except, I gather, Mulder and Morris) because “lost time is a common symptom of close proximity to anti-gravity propulsion systems.” But they can’t figure out why some people have heads in rocks and others switch bodies. Mulder wants to know how to get the lizard out of the rock, but they’re stumped on that one. Great. Just great.

Scully’s driving by herself along the Nevada highway, when she comes across the burned out shell of the gas station. On the ground, she finds a dime and penny fused together at the center and stares at it curiously as we would normally cut to a commercial but don’t since this is a DVD.

Morning. Mulder’s asleep on the Laz-E-Boy again as Nora screeches at him, “This is not a marriage! It’s a farce,” and, “I disgust you, don’t I?” Mulder’s all, “Of course not!” But then she asks him why he mumbles Scully in his sleep and that just opens up a whole can of fanfic ideas. Mulder dreams about Scully? Like, for reals? Hm. I wonder if he dreams that she’s an OSS agent on a 1939 luxury liner… Anyway, Mulder’s kinda flustered, and tries to explain that Scully isn’t another woman: “Does Scully sound like a woman’s name to you?” and then he plays the “top secret job” card, which she doesn’t buy. So, he goes into this spiel about how he doesn’t know who he is anymore and that he’s not the man she married, and she mistakes this for Erectile Dysfunction and says, “They have that pill now.” So, she gives him a hug, exclaims that “there’s other ways to be intimate,” and seems satisfied with this. That is, until the doorbell rings and a hot redhead named Scully happens to be at the door. Aw, busted. Mulder can’t hide the joy on his face when he sees her, and Joanne slaps him. Ooh, kinda hard. And calls him a son-of-a-bitch. Well, can you blame him? Scully’s a fox!

Mulder walks her out to the sidewalk and she’s asking him if he’s Morris from Area 51 and he’s trying to tell her that he’s Mulder. He’s got his hand on her back and she’s all, get off me, freak, as Joanne is screaming from the window and throwing his clothes out on the lawn like in every my-evil-cheating-husband Lifetime movie ever made. He’s telling Scully that he and Morris switched bodies, but of course she doesn’t believe him. Why would he expect anything different? Then he starts rattling facts off about her, but they’re facts that are, let’s face it, easily Google-able. Her full name, her mom’s name, how Bill, Jr. hates him, and how she’s been eating yogurt with bee pollen even though he tells her she’s a scientist and she should know better. Hee. That last one’s kinda cute. Plus, I consider it a shout-out to the FTF almost kiss, since she’s clearly trying to build up a bee tolerance for the next time. Aaand, she looks like she kinda believes him for a sec before Joanne comes back out of the house, still, as always, screeching. It’s kind of a thankless and one note role for Nora Dunn, isn’t it? Scully tells Mulder that he could have gotten the info anywhere (like Google, perhaps?) and he’s like, “even that yogurt thing?” Then he turns into a valley girl and says, like, “That is so you. That is so Scully. Well, it’s good to know you haven’t changed. It’s somewhat comforting.” He’s willing to offer her scientific proof of what happened. Tonight. In the bedroom. Oh, but only after he gets his own body back. Because, ew.

Then we see Mulder in the reflection of a car’s side view mirror. As it’s flicked back into place, we see Mulder again. Morris just watched the entire thing! And, look. I get that it’s a cool effect, seeing Mulder there then Mulder here. But shouldn’t that have been Morris’ reflection from far away and Mulder’s close up? I mean, if we’re following the “rules” of the story thus far? Or did they just break them for a neat camera trick? Yea, that’s what I thought.

NotSpender, also known as Howard, runs into his office to catch his ringing phone. It’s Morris, calling as Mulder, telling him that he’s got a security leak. Man, this guys’ just trying to ruin it for everyone, isn’t he? Asshole. And, he happens to have a name for NotSpender. But we don’t hear what it is. Instead, we see Mulder sneaking down into the lizard/rock room to snag the flight data recorder. He puts it in a brown paper bag as Mark Snow’s Oboe of About To Get Caught-ness plays the slow, somber version of the X-Files theme. And, uh-oh! NotSpender totally saw him do it! Morris just turned himself in… sorta! That bastard!

Scully’s driving and pics up the phone. It’s Kersh. And he’s pissed. “Mulder” has told Kersh about where she is and she must follow his instructions or “don’t bother coming back from Nevada”. Again, he gets props for pronouncing Nevada correctly, but otherwise is totally lamesause.

Later that night, at another gas station. Mulder enters with the data recorder and meets Scully by the frozen food section. He tells her he’s got the proof, but she just stands there looking guilty as the guy behind the counter slowly ducks down. Oh, no! The Aliens are coming again! It’s a bright light! Oh, never mind. It’s just men in fatigues and large guns coming to arrest “Morris”. Scully apologizes as NotSpender and Jeff look at him with disappointment. Just then, “Mulder” pops in, and our Mulder launches toward him. As he’s being dragged away, he implores Scully, “Would I do this? He orchestrated this whole thing! He’s not me!” And I think she gets it just as we see…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Oh, thank God it’s over. Halfway, at least.

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Recap by Starbucket

Recap by Bolissa

Hey, did you guys know that The X-Files moved from Vancouver to Los Angeles this season? Because just in case you forgot, they did another episode with light so bright you gotta wear shades. And by the end of the episode, Mulder actually ends up in California. Thanks for the reminders, 1013! Don’t you guys think that they should’ve gone back to Vancouver the next season? Or when Duchovny couldn’t get enough money from the FOX studio execs and left the show? Because the show should’ve totally gone back to Vancouver. Maybe if we had signed a petition. Or made some kind of commercial and sent it to FOX. It could’ve worked. At least they’re going home for the movie.

FOX News. Well, we already know this might be highly inaccurate and biased. We see it’s a helicopter videotaping a 70’s blue two door sports car speeding down the highway being chased by cops. From a white Bronco to that piece of crap? OJ’s traded down, yo. I wonder who he’s killed this time. Oh, sorry. Allegedly killed. So a news anchor is babbling off camera about how the Nevada Highway Patrol has been chasing OJ for about 90 miles through some town named Elko and close to speeds of 100 miles per hour! Then the camera cuts to the TV station. Hey, it’s Sean Hannity! So Sean is on camera saying how FOX News has a correspondent on the scene. And guess what? It’s Tony Snow. “[Tony], what can you tell us?” Well, Tony is apparently in the chopper following OJ and he’s got some interesting details for us. “Now, just under an hour ago, troopers attempted to pull over the blue car which we understand is stolen… Since then, this driver has stopped for nothing and nobody.” Sean wants to know if the driver’s identity is known. Tony doesn’t know but he thinks it’s probably a Democrat. Tony does point out that there is someone in the back seat of the car and that they may be looking at a hostage situation. Then the camera goes fuzzy and suddenly we’re looking at the back seat of that blue car and there’s a blonde-ish white lady lying down in the back and she looks pretty rough. She’s holding her head and I think her nose is bleeding. Oh, my God! The driver is OJ! Wait. Hold up. The driver isn’t OJ. It’s some white redneck dude and he keeps looking into the back seat. It’s possible he looks worried. Although I’m not sure if that’s because he’s got the Nevada police on his tail or because the lady isn’t doing so well back there. Then we see some cop throw a spiky chain across the road and wait for NotOJ. Man, the screen is bright. I may need to get my sunglasses. Anyways, NotOJ drives over the chain and then the cop pulls the chain away before the patrol cars drive through. Sean Hannity would like some details. “It looked to be a special tire-puncturing chain. And now the officers are approaching the car. One of them has opened the door, and he has hold of the suspect. He’s pulling him out. He doesn’t seem to have a weapon. I think he’s definitely a Democrat, Sean.” The cops then pull the lady out of the backseat and into a patrol car. She’s in a lot of pain and she tells the cop to “please get it out of [her] head.” Were they listening to Celine Dion songs in the car? Apparently her name is Vicky, because that’s what NotOJ is screaming over and over. Sean Hannity seems relieved that the hostage is ok but he comments on how NotOJ is still putting up a fight. Tony Snow’s got it covered! “He’s definitely putting up a bit of a fight. I think he was trying to get to the Democratic National Convention. He seems to be a man with a few choice words on the subject as you can see. They’re trying to restrain him. I tell you what. We’re going to move back and try to get a wider angle. See, there’s the woman ….” We then can see Vicky pounding her head against the car window. Tony is all, “What the heck?” Then there’s an explosion of blood inside the car and splattered over the inside of the window. “What the hell just happened?” Tony asks. I think Sean Hannity has the answer: “I think Hilary Clinton shot her!” Then we hear someone from the TV station yelling “Cut!”

Credits. Commercials. Beautiful British Columbia: Pristine lakes, vivid green forests, rugged mountains, foggy mists and lots of rain. The next time you are planning a dark and moody television show or movie, please consider beautiful, inexpensive Vancouver. Vancouver: Pretty and cheap, like Britney Spears after a few drinks.

Buhl, Idaho. Mulder and Scully are at this house. Scully knocks on the door and a typical farmer in overalls answers. “Virgil Nokes? I’m Agent Scully. This is Agent Mulder. We’re with the FBI.” Scully’s holding up her badge while Mulder is behind her, leaning against the porch railing, swatting bugs, spitting out sunflowers seeds and looking generally bored out of his mind. The farmer looks like he’s been sniffing some pesticides. “Jehovah’s Witness?” Sidebar #1: I’m taking that as a huge Shout Out to me. Sidebar #2: Virgil must be a few cards short of a deck because Jehovah’s Witnesses do not carry badges with FBI printed on them. Nor do we carry firearms. Although, that would be awesome. Moving on… Scully informs Virgil that they’re with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Then Mulder offers him a Watchtower. Oh, Mulder. You kill me. Scully then tells Virgil that they’re just there for a routine check because he recently ordered 5,000 lbs of ammonium nitrate fertilizer. Virgil then tells them to come on in. Virgil informs them that he grows sugar beets. I wonder if he’s related to Dwight Schrute. He says that he’s got better things to do with his fertilizer than blow up some buildings. Scully tells him that it’s just routine. “So routine, it numbs the mind.” I take it Mulder ain’t digging this assignment. While Virgil is looking for some papers, Mulder’s watching the news report of NotOJ and Vicky’s escapade from the teaser. He calls Scully over to watch.

Later, outside the farmhouse. Mulder’s standing next to the car, talking on his cell phone as Scully walks out. “Thank you, Captain. That’s no problem. We’d be happy to help. Mm-hmm.” Scully wants to know what they’re helping. Mulder then hurriedly hangs up the phone. Heh. Scully gets firm and tells him that they’re not going to Nevada . “Come on, Scully. Just one quick side trip.” Scully refuses and reminds him of their new assignment. “Running down people that buy fertilizer? This is scut work, bozo work — the FBI equivalent of being made to wear an orange jumpsuit and pick up trash by the side of the highway — they mean to humiliate us.” Scully doesn’t care if he’s humiliated but they’re working on domestic terrorism. She agrees that it is a punishment, but if they want to get back on the X-Files they have to follow the rules right now. “We can’t freelance.” Yeah, but they’re freelancing on the lam. Ooh! I can’t wait for the movie! Squee!! Ok, sorry. Ahem. Where was I? Mulder asks Scully what she thought of the news report. She thinks the woman was shot, no matter what the police say. Mulder tells her that the captain said “she just sort of popped” and Mulder thinks NotOJ was trying to warn the cops about his wife. “Now, the sun will rise in America tomorrow regardless of whether or not we’re at yet another farm investigating yet another enormous pile of doo-doo. We can be in and out in a day. Nobody has to know.” Mulder waggles his eyebrows and Scully gives in. She can’t resist The Waggle! Know why? Because it’s hot. HOTTT.

Elko, Nevada Police Station. NotOJ is lying on a cot in his jail cell. He realizes he’s got a nosebleed and then starts screaming. Does he have an inoperable tumor in his nasal cavity? We’ll see. Later, Mulder and Scully talking to the police captain. Mulder wants to see NotOJ. The captain says that maybe he can see him later because earlier he had a fit in his cell and screaming that they were going to kill him like they killed his wife. The captain then calls him “unstable.” Scully tells the captain that NotOJ might need medical attention. The captain then says that a doctor is with him now and after what happened to NotOJ’s wife, which wasn’t their fault, they’re not going to take any chances. Scully’s reading the police report and we find out that NotOJ’s name is Patrick Garland Crump and that he lives in Montello, Nevada. Mulder comments that Crump is 40, a roofer, no history of mental illness and no prior record. Then the captain says that he stole the car on the Utah state line, throwing some kid from the car and taking off. After the captain walks away, Scully says that she’s going to look at Vicky’s body and Mulder’s going to try to see Crump. Mulder then checks the map to see where Montello is and follows Crump’s path east to Utah. “Then all of a sudden, he turned around and he headed west… To Wells. Why?” Because the sun sets in the west! Because the elves of Middle Earth travel to the west to receive immortality! Because 1013 Productions has gone west!

Autopsy Time! Scully and the Coroner Lady are checking out Vicky’s corpse. Coroner Lady hopes Scully can explain what happened to Vicky because “this is a new one on [her].” Scully examines Vicky’s head and sees that it’s all blown on one side, but the other side of her head is intact. Coroner Lady tells Scully that the wound is all exit. We’re then treated to some shots of Vicky’s exploded ear drum. Nice. Coroner Lady says that it’s like a bomb went off in Vicky’s ear. Scully then gets a probe and starts poking around inside Vicky’s head. Scully then babbles about “tumefaction” and “lateral sinus” and I have no idea what she’s talking about. But as Scully probes around, there’s an explosion and blood shoots out. For a minute I thought it was gonna hit her face. Ew. But it only got on her apron.

This portion of our program was brought to you by Awesome Autopsy Scrubs: You’ll Sure Wanna Cover Yourself In Case Someone’s Head Is Exploding!

Outside the jail, Crump’s being loaded onto an ambulance. Mulder’s following behind. The captain tells Mulder that he probably won’t get to talk to Crump after all. Mulder then tries to get on the ambulance but an EMT stops him. “Five’s a crowd, buddy.” He then shuts the door before Mulder can tell him that one is the loneliest number. Mulder gets in his car and follows the ambulance. So the EMT’s are starting to work on Crump and as the speedometer goes up to 75mph, Crump’s vitals improve. The EMT’s have no idea what they did to help him. I bet they were traveling west. Crump notices a gun sitting in a guard’s holster. As Mulder drives, he notices the ambulance swerve and then stop on the side of the road. Crump jumps out the back of the ambulance and points a gun at Mulder. This is what you get for ambulance chasing.

Autopsy Bay. Scully calls Mulder and when some dude walks into the room she spazzes and kicks him out saying that the bay is quarantined. When Mulder picks up she tells him that she has “no idea what killed [Vicky] but [she has] to assume it’s communicable.” She tells Mulder that another body was found outside of Montello with the apparent same cause of death — “some kind of massive aneurysm or rupture.” Mulder’s like, “uh huh.” Scully tells him that she called the CDC and that Crump may be infected. So his cell should be quarantined as well as anyone who had close contact with him, including Mulder. Mulder sighs. “Well, that’s going to be a little tough, Scully.” Crump then grabs Mulder’s phone. “Drive.” Westward, my son! A little later, Scully’s slams a piece of paper against the autopsy bay window with her phone number on it. For those of you who’d like to call her later, the number is 212-555-1066. Let me know if you get through. The captain calls her and she asks where Mulder is. The captain tells her that Mulder’s heading, you guessed it, west. They’ve got constant visual contact and they’ve pulled some strings to keep this off FOX News. Maybe they struck a deal that FOX News could have a fair and balanced sit-down interview with Crump and everyone involved. Wait, did I just say “fair and balanced”? BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyways, there’s going to be a roadblock to stop Crump and Scully starts spouting orders to have the CDC at the roadblock and the arresting officers to be in full contamination gear. She wants everything decontaminated, Mulder and Crump quarantined separately. “You got it.” That’s right. She may be tiny, but you don’t wanna screw with her. You know, having a baby and living without Mulder sure turned her into a weak, weepy mess. But remember that one moment in Season 9 when she was punching that rogue FBI dude and screaming and breaking down the nursery door and then totally shot him, like, three times? That was awesome. So, this officer comes up to the captain and whispers sweet nothings in his ear. Then the captain tells Scully that if they don’t pull back the police escort, Crump’s going to shoot Mulder.

Mulder’s Hijacked Sensible Rental Car. Crump’s got his gun on Mulder and after a minute the police cars pull back. Crump’s yelling into the phone to be left alone. Hey! That rhymed. Mulder then tries to convince Crump to let him go too, because he “must be cramping [his] style.” Crump tells him to shut up and then he looks at Mulder’s badge. “It’s you people. Figures.” Mulder’s all, Huh? Crump tells him to shut up. Mulder’s cell phone starts ringing and then Crump throws it out the window. Mulder spazzes. “Hey! No! That is… so stupid, Crump. That is so stupid.” I think Mulder’s about to lapse into catatonic schizophrenia. Crump is not down with Mulder’s aggro. “You shut up and drive… Hey I kind of like that song. [singing]Get you where you wanna go if you know what I mean. Got a ride that’s smoother than a limousine. Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights? If you can, baby boy, then we can go all night. Goes from 0 to 60 in three point five. Baby, you got the keys. Now shut up and drive (Drive Drive Drive) Shut up and drive (Drive Drive Drive)[/singing]. While Crump’s practicing for his upcoming American Idol audition, Mulder stops behind a U-haul truck. Crump starts screaming in pain and wants to know what Mulder’s doing. “I’m composing a sonnet,” Mulder cracks. “I’m slowing down for a light.” Crump’s yelling for him to go and then he starts passing out. Mulder decides to speed his way through the intersection, nearly killing himself and several innocent civilians. Mulder then asks Crump if this is what happened to his wife. “If you stop moving, you die? I think I saw this movie.” Me, too. And it was awesome. Keanu Reeves: Call me! Mulder asks Crump why he didn’t tell the police and then says that “[Crump's] life is in [his] hands regardless of whether or not [Crump holds] that gun.” Crump the waves said gun all macho manly. Mulder then tells Crump that he may be able to help him. “You people put me here!” Crump shouts. Mulder tells him about the roadblock up ahead and points out the helicopter following them. Crump is clearly afraid of stopping. The police and CDC are at the roadblock. People are in their decontamination suits. The police chopper informs them that Crump’s turned off the highway and is heading north. He’s going to miss the roadblock. Dude in a decon suit: “Say what?”

Quarantined Autopsy Bay Of Exploded Eardrums And Dreaded Phone Calls. Scully’s on the phone with the captain and she asks him what’s going on. He tells her that they lost Mulder and Crump in a heavily forested road and the chopper lost them. Are there forests in Nevada? I was not aware of that (Ed. Note: There totally are. I live in Nevada. None anywhere near Elko, but there are some near Lake Tahoe. Just… FYI. – Starbucket). Scully wonders how Crump knew to avoid the roadblock. The captain says that he was hoping Mulder would’ve steered him towards it. Scully then guesses that Mulder steered him away from it because maybe he knows something. They hang up and Scully turns to a doctor in a decon suit who’s been looking at cell cultures from the second victim in a microscope. There is no evidence of any kind of infection in this victim or in Vicky. Scully still wonders what could’ve killed these people. Then Scully’s phone rings and some lady tells her to hold for Kersh. This is clearly the last thing Scully wanted to hear. ” Agent Scully. How is Southern Idaho? Agent Scully? Southern Idaho? Think carefully.” The wheels in Scully’s head are turning. She then concedes the truth and tells him that after they wrapped up their business in Idaho they went to Nevada to look into a case they felt needed their attention. “I eagerly await your report. In the meantime, agents of our Las Vegas field office will be available to assist you in tracking down Agent Mulder.” Scully thanks him. “Oh, Agent Scully… I think, at this point I want to see him alive even more than you do.” Kersh then hangs up and goes back to his Level Moderate Sudoku puzzle. Scully looks at the chart on the second victim and sees that he was a meter reader and wonders if he read the meter at the Crump’s place.

Mulder’s Hijacked Sensible Rental Car Of Confused Lineage. Mulder asks Crump what he knows about whatever is happening to him. “Mr. Crump. You call me by my last name, you say “mister” in front of it.” Mulder is not in the mood to discuss semantics with Crump. “I can think of something else I’d like to call you. I could put “mister” in front of that, too if you’d like.” Crump then asks Mulder if his name is Jewish. Mulder seems affronted, God knows why. I’m pretty sure he’s Christian and the name Mulder is Dutch, or something like that. Is this because Duchovny is part Jewish and the show can’t seem to separate him from his character? Yeah, that’s probably it. “It’s Mr. Mulder to you, you peanut-picking bastard. Now, Mr. Crump what can you tell me about what’s happening to you?” Crump then starts screaming in pain and tells Mulder that he’s going the WRONG WAY! Mulder then turns left, nearly killing more innocent civilians, and Crump starts to feel better. “It’s west. Huh, west? You got to head west. It’s just like you did with your wife. You took her and you headed west. It’s not just motion; it has to be in one direction. Is that right?” That’s right! By God, in order to live he must go west!

Crump Trailer. Scully and her Decontamination Team are all dressed in their bulky suits and helmets. It’s all foggy and dark. Am I watching Lost In Space? The Crump’s dog is growling and yelping and running back and forth along his chain. Scully thinks the same “pathology” is happening to the dog. They all hold him down and as Scully’s getting ready to sedate the dog, his head explodes all over the helmet of a decon dude. Ew.

Mulder’s Hijacked Sensible Rental Car Of Anti-Semitism And Government Conspiracies. So Crump is explaining what happened to his wife. She was cooking breakfast when she got a nosebleed and then a terrible headache. He was going to take her to the hospital but as they drove faster, she felt a little better. But as soon as they’d stop, she’d start screaming. Special Agent Fox Mulder, “Mr. Mulder, If You’re Nasty”, says that he’s sorry about Crump’s wife. “Sure, you are… You and the rest of your Jew FBI.” Crump then starts yapping about how him and his wife were “government guinea pigs” and he knows about the government “dropping Agent Orange” and “putting radiation in little retarded kids’ gonads” and he’s seen them sneaking around his woods at night. Mulder notices that his gas gauge is on E. “Well, on behalf of the international Jewish conspiracy, I just need to inform you that we’re… almost out of gas.”

Crump Trailer. Scully and her Decon Team are looking around and they haven’t found anything in the Crump’s place. Scully comments that whatever it is, it doesn’t discriminate. The doctor tells her about “zoonotic pathogens” that can species jump. They notice a light nearby and see that the Crumps have a neighbor. As they enter the house, Scully notices a birdcage and Tweety’s on the bottom, with one side of his head exploded. Scully sees that somebody’s watching an old movie on TV, then an elderly lady turns around and she starts screaming. Well, kind of. In a muted sort of way. Scully notices that the movie has Closed Captioning on. Scully calms the woman down, telling her that it’s ok.

Mulder’s Sensible Rental Car That’s About To Be Ditched As Though It Were Scully. Mulder flies into the gas station and pulls up to a pump, but the idiot pulled up on the wrong side, has to grab an extra-long hose and run around to the other side of the car. Crump is agonizing in the back seat. Mulder starts yelling at the hicks inside the station to turn on the pump. “You got to pay before you pump, buddy!” Ugh. I hate pre-paying, yo. Mulder hates it too, because he pulls Crump out of the car and heaves him into a station wagon that was sitting at another pump. The pump falls out of the tank and Mulder drives off without closing the gas cap and now oxygen will leak into the tank and the Check Engine light will come on in the dashboard. The owner of the car, a Weirdo With A Beardo, comes running out of the station yelling for his car. We then see the front seat of the Sensible Rental Car and Mulder’s left a note, where we can see “Agent Dana Scully FBI” written in large black letters. You know, sometimes Mulder doesn’t think about his actions and whatnot, but I like the fact that here he’s at least trying to contact Scully to let her know what’s what.

Crump Trailer. Oh, man. That put that poor deaf lady in a decon suit and loaded her into a van. I wonder if she thinks they’re taking a trip to outer space. The doctor wonders how the lady wasn’t affected. Scully then takes off her helmet and asks about the pathology being a sound. Scully’s cell phone starts ringing and she pulls it out of her suit. It’s the captain and he tells her that Mulder is continuing to evade the police, he’s stolen a car and left behind some “crazy note” for her. Scully tells him to read it. The captain reads: “‘Crump sick; will die if stopped, same as wife. Must head west to keep alive. No roadblocks! Meet me at the beach. Bring Green Sweater of Lurve and Shiner Bock.’ Does this make sense to you?” Scully tells him to take Mulder’s word and let him through the roadblocks. The captain doesn’t think that’s a good idea and wants Scully to check with her superiors. As Scully walks around, her cell phone goes staticy and we can’t hear the captain. Scully looks down at the ground at a metal plate reading US Government Property. Her cell phone goes out.

Stolen Station Wagon Of A Mutual Desire To Stick It To The Man. So Crump as assumed the position in the backseat and he’s in pain. He tells Mulder to go faster and Mulder tells him that he’s already going 70mph. Crump tells him to go faster and as Mulder speeds up, Crump feels a little better and tries to apologize. “Hey, uh… The Jew stuff? No offense. I mean, uh… A man can’t help who he’s born to.” Mulder is unimpressed with the attempted apology. “Gee, I don’t know if I can see to drive my eyes are tearing up so bad.” Sidebar: Mulder’s not Jewish! Why doesn’t Mulder just start telling Crump some stories about NYC, the Yankees, and Yale University? Geez. So Crump wants to know why Mulder’s helping him. My guess would be because you held a gun to his head? Sounds reasonable. Mulder doesn’t think it’s a good idea to question that. Then Crump decides to get paranoid. “How do I know you ain’t doing exactly what they want you to? Hmm? Driving me all around creation, experimenting on me… How do I know it ain’t that?” Hey, Crump? You’re the one who jumped out of an ambulance and hijacked Mulder’s car. And then you threw his cell phone out the window, cutting off his contact with the outside world. And you’re the one making him drive faster and head west. Driving all over creation is totally your fault, dude. So Crump then says that he’s not really accusing Mulder but it would be better to just kill a man than to take his dignity away by experimenting on him. Yeah, just ask Duane Barry. Mulder then encourages him to stay alive so he can stick it to the government. Mulder says that they’ll figure it out. Crump says that he’d better figure it out because they’re “running out of west.” We are then greeted by a sign reading: Welcome to California! Gateway to the Pacific and the New Home of 1013 Productions!

Naval Base Of Poorly Impersonated FCC Employees. Scully is having a powwow with a navy lieutenant and on the wall are the words “Project Seafarer” in large letters. Scully introduces herself to Lieutenant Breil and says that she called regarding the electrical equipment the navy has stashed in Montello. Breil says something about a miscommunication with her Washington office. Scully’s like, “Uh…?” Breil was under the impression that he’d already explained the situation to the FCC. Scully’s all, “Oh, I’m… I’m so sorry to make you run through it again, uh… For my official report to the, uh… To the FCC.” Scully’s a terrible liar and I can’t believe this guy can’t see right through her. So Breil tells her that a testing of their ground radio system caused a power surge and interrupted television reception in the area, but they’ve made sure that it won’t happen again. Scully asks if that ground radio thing is Project Seafarer. Breil tells her that’s classified. “Would you happen to know what effect such a surge might have on, uh… On an organism… Say, a… Say, a human being? Theoretically speaking.” Breil tells her that theoretically speaking, that’s classified.

Stolen Station Wagon Of Phone Calls With Exhausting Exposition. So some cops on motorcycles pull up behind Mulder and hand him a cell phone. It’s Scully calling.

Scully: You ok?

Mulder: I’m dying without my cell phone here and I gotta piss like a race horse.

Scully: I’m hopping on a really expensive government jet and I’m gonna fly right over you.

Mulder: Where?

Scully: You’re the one driving there, buddy.

Mulder: Then wherever the road ends but we can’t stop and I have no idea what to do.

Scully: I kind of have a theory about what’s happening.

Mulder: You mind getting to the point?

Scully: You know what ELF waves are?

Mulder: Big antenna used by military to communicate with submarines.

Scully: Crump’s got an antenna array on his property and those transmissions can alter stuff in the body.

Mulder: It can be used as a weapon, too.

Scully: What if a hum from an antenna could mess up the inside of someone’s skull and make their inner ear explode?

Mulder: But movement relieves the pressure. Why only westward movement?

Scully: Because California will save Crump! California is all that is good and true in this world! And I hear that 1013 Productions relocated a really awesome show that thrived on dark and moody atmosphere to one of the sunniest places on earth that’s home to a megalomaniacal creator/writer/producer/director and happy cows.

Mulder: Um… how can we keep Crump’s head from exploding?

Scully: There is one solution and he’s not going to like it.

As Mulder listens to Scully’s solution, he cringes and tells Scully that they’ll be there. Mulder tells Crump that intentionally or not, the government is the reason behind his inner ear problems. Mulder tells him that his one chance is for them to meet Scully and then she’ll insert this long needle into his ear and ewwwwwww. I can’t stand needles, yo. They give me the wig. If I even see one approach me, I’ll start crying. So Mulder tells Crump that Scully won’t be able to use any anesthetic and he’ll probably go deaf. But Crump is fine with that as long as it means he’ll live. He pats Mulder on the shoulder, because they’re buddies now, and says “let’s do it.” He then tells Mulder to drive faster and Crump looks as though he’s about to pass out.

Loleta, California. We see the coast and the ocean. Scully is next to an ambulance and she’s holding a ginormous needle. EW! OMG. Somebody hold me! We then see the Stolen Ambulance being escorted by the cops on motorcycles and Mulder just drives on by Scully and up to the cliff. Scully runs over to the car but then notices blood splattered all over the back window. Mulder gets out, walks over to the edge and takes off his tie. Then Scully watches him pee. Well, he might be peeing. Or maybe he’s just looking at the ocean. Well, poor Crump never stood a chance. But all will be ok, because Mulder has made it to California.

Kersh’s Office Of Inappropriately Over-Emphasized Words. Mulder and Scully are standing in front of Kersh’s desk as he reads off the expense report for their escapade out west. Basically everything that happened in this episode cost the FBI around $4,500. Mulder snarks for Kersh to bill him. Kersh says that he’ll bill Scully instead. Huh? Kersh’s attempts at snark never come out right. Then Kersh remarks how they love playing the martyr. Mulder is irritated. “So are we done here? Back to the bozo work investigating huge piles of manure?” Kersh pushes Mulder’s buttons by telling him he can quit. Mulder looks at Scully and then walks out of the office, slamming the door. Scully then tries to explain Mulder’s behavior by saying that he’s been through a lot. Kersh then says that she apologizes for Mulder a lot. Scully ain’t apologizing for this and because of Mulder’s work the DOD is shutting down that whack antenna and that she and Mulder have saved lives. Kersh says that she ain’t got no proof and the DOD said that the shutting down of that antenna was coincidental. Scully’s all, “Sure it was”. Kersh doesn’t care if they saved a “school bus full of doe-eyed urchins on their way to Sunday Bible camp” that had a bomb underneath it that would explode if the bus went under 50mph. Her and Mulder no longer investigate X-Files and the sooner they recognize that, the better. As Scully walks out of the office she mutters “big piles of manure” loud enough to be heard and slams the door. Kersh then returns to his computer starts up The Sims: House Party.

This episode was brought to you by 1013 Productions and California. California: It’s Where You Wanna Be If You Don’t Want Your Head To Explode And If You Want To Ruin The Ambience Of A Much-Beloved Television Show.

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Recap by Bolissa