7×06 – THE GOLDBERG VARIATION
by foxestacado
Recap by Bolissa
I’d like to start this with a huge Shout Out to As An Amoeba because she loves this episode and I hope I do it justice. Plus, she’s really funny and I loved her recap of Deep Throat.
Let’s see… do I have everything I need here? I’ve got my notebook, Diet Pepsi and some candy. Ok, I’m good. Well, I really have no idea what “Goldberg Variation” means. I know that there’s a “Goldberg Variations” that was written by the famous German composer, Bach, and that it’s really complicated. But I don’t see how that ties in with this episode. Yet. Maybe as I recap this, I’ll be struck by some kind of “epiphery”[/Michael Scott].
Chicago, Illinois. The teaser starts off with some dudes sitting around playing a friendly game of poker. Well, maybe we should scratch “friendly” since everyone around the table looks like a stereotypical Mafia Henchman. Except one guy, who looks like your average Joe. X-Philes will recognize him as playing Quinton “Roach” Freely in that most beloved episode from Season 3, The Walk. So they’re all playing poker and the Head Henchman ends up getting four Kings. Pretty good. Roach ends up asking for five cards and the dealer gives him crap over it. Head Henchman lets it go since he assumes he’s got the top hand and all. So Roach, or “Mr. Weems” as they’re calling him, gets five new cards. Head Henchman puts four grand in the pot, the henchman to his left folds, Roach puts in four grand and raises four grand, the dealer practically has a stroke and folds. So that leaves just Head Henchman and Roach. Mano e mano. Then the Head Henchman would like to “make this interesting” and raises fifteen grand. Roach advises him not to do it because he doesn’t need any more money. “You’re going to need Depends after you see this hand,” Head Henchman quips. To which I say, “Eyeroll.” Roach adds his fifteen grand to the pile. “Now we show each other our cards?” I take it Roach is not much of a player. We now get a shot of a huge henchman sitting in the corner and hey! It’s Tony Longo. He should be familiar to a lot of folks out there. He practically formed a niche out of playing big, tough airheads and/or softies. He’s been in lots of movies and TV shows. Tony walks over and stands next to Roach. Head Henchman then lays down his four of a kind. Roach lays an 8 – Queen, all clubs. Wow, that’s a really good hand. One could say that it was lucky. Roach is all, “Good game guys. I’m going home now. See you around.” The others are quite pissed that he’s taken their money, apparently $100,000 of it. According to Head Henchman, they expect him to stick around and give them a chance to win it back. I never knew that was a rule to poker, but like I said earlier, I wasn’t expecting this to be a friendly game. Anyways, Roach is sorry he can’t stay but $100,000 is all he needs. So, he’d like to know where he can cash out. Head Henchman looks at Tony. Next thing you know, Roach is now in an elevator with two other henchmen. One of them pushes the button for the 29th floor. Roach is all, “Dude. Shouldn’t we be going down?” They all end up on the roof, Roach drops his grocery bag full of chips and the henchmen drag Roach to the ledge. “Guys, this is not what I meant by “cashing out”!” Um, Roach? What did you expect would possibly happen when playing cards with such nefarious characters? Apparently, this is what happens: the henchmen throw Roach off the roof, a la Billy Miles. The camera follows Roach as he falls through an open grate in the sidewalk. A couple minutes later, he climbs out and limps away, holding his arm over his right eye. Wow, he’s lucky!
Credits.
Chicago, Illinois. 9:17am. Scully is getting out of a taxi. She’s looking fabulous! She’s got this really nice and expensive-looking dark pants suit on. Ok, sidebar: So it’s 9:17 in the morning, right? So how early must she have gotten up to get to the Dulles airport, fly to Chicago, go through security in the Chicago airport (which is absolutely the worst, IMO), get a cab downtown by 9:17am and then look as phenomenal as she does? Special Agent Fox “Sorry Son of a Bitch” Mulder must’ve called her at 3am! That man better take notice! Anyhoo, Scully’s walking on the sidewalk and she takes out her cell phone, from God knows where. Her bra, I’m guessing. So she’s calling Mulder and is basically like, “Well I’m here. So where the heck are you?” A grate on the sidewalk opens behind Scully and up comes Mulder, peeking out at her. He’s wearing this dark brown suit and a blue shirt. Not the Cornflower Blue Shirt. A dark blue shirt. He looks as though he’s trying to dress like a mobster. Mulder says that he’s “around.” Scully thinks it’s way too early in the morning to be playing his retarded games. Mulder hangs up the phone. “Hey, nice outfit,” he says. Thank you! Scully turns around and grins at Mulder. As she walks towards him, he grins moonily and waggles his eyebrows at her. They are so doing it! It’s written all over them. Throughout this whole episode they’ve got the distinct air of two people who are well-laid. So, Scully wants to know what’s down in the basement. Mulder wants her to check out what’s “up there.” He points to the top of a skyscraper and tells her that the top two floors are leased to someone named Jimmy Cutrona. Sidebar: IMDB lists Head Henchman from the teaser as being named Joe Cutrona. So, who the heck is Jimmy? Is Jimmy a nickname for Joe? And if so, that’s retarded because his nickname should be Joey. Moving on. Scully recognizes the name as being associated with organized crime and the FBI’s been trying to build a case against him for years. Mulder tells her that two agents were parked outside the building last night and witnessed Roach’s Free For All and subsequent survival. Mulder and Scully get onto the platform and head on down to the basement.
Basement That Is Neither Lush Nor Containing An Office. Mulder and Scully break out their flashlights and start checking the place out. Scully asks who it was that was thrown off the roof. Mulder doesn’t know because the agents never caught up with Roach. Scully wants to know if the basement was searched. Mulder says it wasn’t because falling off a roof isn’t a crime. Scully asks what Mulder’s theory is. “What if this man had some kind of special capability? Some kind of genetic predisposition towards rapid healing, or tissue regeneration?” Scully’s wondering why the heck they’re there. So am I. How is this an obvious X-File, exactly? Maybe he just wanted an excuse to get Scully to Chicago? I don’t know. Scully asks him if he’s looking for someone “invulnerable”, like “Wile E. Coyote.” Mulder starts to agree but then stops himself. Heh. Scully tells him about a British soldier whose parachute malfunctioned, he fell 4,500 feet and only broke a rib. Mulder wants to know what Scully’s point is. Hmm. This might be a clue that Mulder is really going brain dead. Maybe that Mysterious Brain Disease wasn’t so stupid and fake after all. Well, yes it was stupid but not necessarily fake. “My point is that if there’s a wind gust, or a sudden updraft and, plus, if he landed in exactly the right way, I mean, I don’t know. Maybe he just got lucky.” Mulder’s rolling his eyes and sarcastically comments on Scully’s “scientific explanation” of luck while Scully flashes her light in Mulder’s face. I’d like to take this moment to say that Scully was RIGHT! Oops. Well, I hinted at it in the teaser, people. It’s not like you’ve been deprived of some big reveal later. This isn’t even a real X-File. But I’m willing to make an attempt to overlook it simply because Mulder and Scully look freaking hot in this episode. Scully notices a laundry cart with Grayson’s Linen Service printed on the side. All its wheels are broken. She brings it to Mulder’s attention and hypothesizes that if the laundry cart had been on the platform, it could’ve saved Roach’s life. It would explain the broken wheels. But they have to find him to ask him about it. Mulder’s looking through the laundry cart. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he thinks Roach dropped some ID or something.
Mulder does not find ID, but instead finds a prosthetic eye. “Looks like maybe we’ve found part of him already,” Mulder says.
Melrose Park, Illinois. Mulder and Scully have arrived at an apartment building. Let’s just say that it ain’t The Plaza. Throughout this little scene, they both are looking really relaxed. Really laid back. Like, well-laid back. I’m just sayin’. Mulder buzzes the intercom on apartment 313. Scully tells Mulder that he’s “taking a flier” and that there’s probably hundreds of people in the Chicago area with prosthetic eyes. Mulder tells her that this guy they’re seeing, Henry Weems, was the only one who made an appointment to get a new one this morning. Mulder buzzes again. “Maybe he can’t see his way to the door,” Scully cracks. HA! She made a funny! Mulder gives her a big smile. Aw. A lady comes out of the building and Mulder catches the door. “Come on, Scully. I’m feeling lucky.” I bet he is, the world mutters.
As Mulder and Scully get off the elevator, a woman comes out of her apartment and asks for help. She tells them it’s an emergency. I wonder if it’s an alien? Or a liver-eating mutant? A mysterious shaman? Something that’s, like, an actual X-File? Nope. As she leads our heroes into her apartment, and on into her kitchen, we see water from the sink spouting all over the place. Scully tells the lady that they’re not plumbers. The lady tells them that she just wants the water shut off so she can go to work. She hands a wrench to Mulder. “Look, you’ve got to be stronger than me, right? Valve’s under the sink.” Oh, this has gotta be good. I mean, Mulder just screams Handy Man. Mulder holds the wrench and looks as though he’d like to hit the lady with it. Heh. “Your building super — Henry Weems — he isn’t around?” Then the lady sarcastically calls him “Mr. Dependable” and says that it would be better to wait for Hoffa to show up. Then Mulder begrudgingly gets on the floor and under the sink. This isn’t going to go well. I think we’ve all seen many times that Mulder and water just don’t mix. Seriously. If he’s not drinking drug-enhanced water that makes him attack Skinner and yell at Scully, elderly ghosts are trying to drown him in a shower or his bed is repeatedly leaking all over his bedroom floor . I think the lady should’ve given Scully the wrench. As Mulder attempts to shut the valve off, a young boy about the age of 12 or 13 comes in and tells him that he’s turning it the wrong way. Hey! It’s Shia LaBeouf. I like him. I used to watch his show on The Disney Channel, which I think started sometime in 2000. But maybe most of you will be more familiar with him because of Disturbia and Transformers. I think he’s a really talented actor. If any of you haven’t seen A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, you should check it out. Shia’s performance is amazing. Anyways, Shia’s mom tells him to go back to bed. Why isn’t he in school? Don’t tell me Mulder dragged Scully out to Chicago to investigate a non-X-File on a weekend! Geez. Scully would like to have a life, Mulder! Or at least take a bath. I’m warning you. You better get your asshattery under control before some old dude disguising himself as Scully’s ex-boyfriend ends up in the hospital and makes Scully reconsider her life choices! Anyhoo, Shia reluctantly goes back to bed. Shia’s Mom tells Mulder that he indeed is turning it wrong and he needs to turn it clockwise. “I know that,” he snits. Scully looks down and you just know she’s trying so hard not to laugh. A bolt or something pops off under the sink and water is now gushing out at Mulder’s face. Scully covers her mouth and probably bites the inside of her cheek, as she tries really hard to contain herself and almost breaks. I would’ve been howling. But Scully and I are very different people. Mulder stands up and he’s not a happy camper. He’s soaked. Suddenly the floor creaks and Mulder goes crashing through to the apartment below. Mulder really does have some serious problems with water, doesn’t he? Scully runs over to the hole in the floor and takes out her trusty flashlight. She asks Mulder if he’s ok ay. He’s sitting on the floor of the apartment below, water and debris everywhere. “Yeah, it’s all right. My ass broke the fall. Guess who I found. Henry Weems, I presume?” We now see Henry, or Roach as he was once called, look up at Scully and he’s got a black patch over his right eye.
One-Eyed Henry’s Apartment. Mulder, who’s drying himself with a towel, and Scully follow Henry inside as he tells them to “leave the plumbing to a professional.” Mulder hands Henry the prosthetic eye and calls him “Cinderella.” Scully asks Henry why he was hiding in a vacant apartment. Henry tells them that he was avoiding “you people” and that he’s not going to testify against Cutrona. Scully then reminds Henry that he was thrown off a roof last night. Henry is non-committal and refuses to be sent off to “Muncie, Indiana, to milk cows.” Mulder couldn’t really care less about the Mob but he wants to know how Henry survived a “300-foot fall essentially un… harmed.” As Henry pops his eye back in, Mulder makes a mildly grossed-out face. Henry muses that maybe the wind was just right, that he landed on a bunch of towels and it’s not a big deal. “You got lucky?” Scully asks. Once again proving that we are different people, she doesn’t elbow Mulder in the ribs. Henry guesses that he got lucky except he’s got a bruise on his arm. Sidebar: Once I fell off Silver Bridge in the village I grew up in, you know the village that Donnie Pfaster chases me around in my nightmares, when I was in 8th grade. I landed on the bank and not in the water. Luckily I didn’t break my neck or anything, but I had this disgustingly huge bruise on my leg. It was nasty. Just thought I’d share that with you. Anyways, Mulder offers some fake sympathy for Henry’s bruise and then Henry tells them that he didn’t get to keep his poker winnings. Henry then tells them that Cutrona thought he was cheating, which he wasn’t but “[they] didn’t hear it from [him].” Mulder asks him if he won a lot of money. He says “a little.” Mulder then notices this machine type thing. I don’t know what they’re called but if you’ve seen the episode then you know what I’m talking about. Henry made it and he says it’s a hobby. Mulder then pushes a lever and a little ball is released down a spiral slide-type thing and then drops, which rolls a spool of duct tape which flips something, releasing a lot of little balls which open a trapdoor that causes a little wooden man to be hanged. Mulder and Scully are both amused by this and Mulder asks Henry what it means. Henry’s like, “Nothing. It’s just a toy, moron.” Since Mulder has to be Mr. McSmartyPants about everything he says that it’s “cause and effect.” Henry is all, “Will you just leave me alone?” and Scully asks him if he’d reconsider testifying against Cutrona. Why is this Scully’s job? Is she suddenly working the Cutrona case? Henry says “No way, Jose.” That’s one out-dated expression. Does Henry like, get out much or even watch TV? Scully tells him that it would be in his best interest to testify and because Cutrona’s already tried to kill him and he’ll probably try again. See, I don’t get that. Why would Cutrona want to kill Henry so badly? He didn’t keep any poker winnings and it’s not like he had a history of dealing with Cutrona & Co. Why would Henry be such a priority to Cutrona? Because Henry didn’t really die and Cutrona is anal-retentive? Maybe. Why am I worrying about this? It isn’t even an X-File. I should just go with the flow, here. So Mulder says that they can protect Henry. Henry is all, “You can’t even fix a leaky faucet and I can leap tall buildings with a single bound. Or, you know, fall off them without getting hurt.”
Apartment Building Hallway. Mulder and Scully are at the elevator and Scully pushes the Down button. She turns to Mulder and totally eyes him. “So, here’s the plan, as I see it: we inform the Chicago field office about Weems, leaving it to them to secure his testimony, you change your clothes…” Mulder waggles his eyebrows again and Scully smiles. See! They are totally DOING IT. The way she says that is so suggestive. “…we fly back to D.C. by sunset and all is right with the world.” You just know that seeing Mulder soaking wet got Scully worked up. She wants to hurry and get home for some hot monkey love! But seeing as how The X-Files will always be The Only Thing That Matters To [Him] he’s all whiny about Scully dropping the case “just as it’s getting interesting.” Mulder? This is not interesting. Evil alien worms living in the arctic is interesting. Babies all born with a tail is interesting. Heck, a Mexican Goatsucker is kind of interesting. Henry? Not that interesting. Scully’s not going for it either. “Come on, Mulder, this guy just got lucky. There’s no X-File here.” Yes, thank you! Somebody’s using their brain. And it’s not the person whose brain is apparently dying. “Maybe his luck is the X-File.” Seriously, Mulder? You’re grasping at straws here. The elevator’s taking too long and they decide to take the stairs. Right after they depart, a Mafia Hitman walks off the elevator and heads for Henry’s apartment. As Mulder and Scully walk out the front door, Mulder realizes he doesn’t have his keys and he probably lost them when he fell. He buzzes Henry’s apartment as the hitman kicks in Henry’s door. The buzzer startles him, he shoots the lamp, it falls and knocks over the ironing board, Henry jumps over the couch and knocks it over, the hitman trips and flips through the air. Mulder and Scully come running in to see the hitman hanging by his shoelace from the ceiling fan. He’s dead and Henry’s gone. Wow, Henry sure is lucky!
Lucky Henry’s Lucky Apartment. The place is crawling with cops. A photographer is taking some pictures of the hitman’s body. “So, you get many of these?” Mulder snarks. The photographer wisely says nothing and moves away from the bad dresser and lame-joke cracker. Scully then tells Mulder that the building’s been searched and Henry’s nowhere to be found. Mulder tells her that the dead guy’s name is Angelo Bellini a.k.a. “Angie the Animal.” Scully asks if Henry killed The Animal in self-defense. Mulder’s like, “This wasn’t a murder. He probably died of a heart attack.” Scully wants to know what happened. Mulder tells her “cause and effect.” Scully wants Mulder to get to the point because she would like to go home sometime in the next twenty years. Then Mulder acts out the attack I just described up there, all James Bond-y and “whaa gaa!” about it. Scully actually laughs. Then The Animal’s shoelace breaks and he falls on the floor. This does little to break Mulder’s train of thought. “QED: seemingly unrelated and unconnected events and occurrences that appear unrelated and random beforehand but which seem to chain-react in Henry Weems’ favor.” Cause: Jeffrey Bell writing this episode. Effect: Boredom. So Mulder basically says that Henry has somehow tapped into “dumb luck”[/Scully]. Well they’ve certainly got the “dumb” part right. Anyways, Shia has come to check out what’s what and Scully introduces herself to him. She then takes him back to his apartment.
Shia LaBeouf’s Bedroom of Bad Livers. Shia’s lying in bed and Scully sits next to him. There’s sports stuff all over the walls. Scully asks him what his favorite sport is. Shia tells her that it used to be basketball, but The Bulls suck so he’s thinking baseball. Oh, come on. The Bulls aren’t that bad. Wait. This was back in 1999/2000. So… yeah they sucked. “I like baseball, too,” Scully says. “I learned how to play not that long ago. And those lessons have sure come in handy recently. There’s a whole lot of hips and hands action going on, as well as plenty of ash and I’m constantly in the middle of a Mulder sandwhich.” Shia looks confused. HA! Not really. Scully then notices one of Henry’s toy machines on the floor. She pulls or pushes something and it basically ends with a tiny basketball shooting into a net. Scully laughs and she thinks that’s “pretty neat.” Shia tells Scully that Henry made it for him when he was in the hospital and that Henry believes “everything happens for a reason… only just sometimes it’s hard for us to see.” Scully asks him if he went to the hospital because of his liver. How does she know that? Just by looking at him? He does look a little jaundiced. Oh, so he’s sickly. That’s why he’s not in school. So maybe this isn’t the weekend. Sorry, Mulder. But you should still heed my warning. HEEEEED IIIIIIIT![/ As An Amoeba] So Shia tells Scully that his liver doesn’t work and then he asks if the police are looking for Henry. Scully tells him that they just want to talk to Henry and she asks Shia if he has any idea where Henry might be. Shia says that since he got sick, Henry hardly ever goes out. That scene was nice. Scully’s good with kids. Just not her own, unfortunately. Scully walks back over to Mulder and he asks her if Shia knew anything about Henry. Scully says no. As they walk down the hallway, Scully would like to chat about Mulder’s theory. No, you don’t Scully! Don’t get sucked in! Be strong. Demand that this “X-File” be dropped and then go home! She ignores me. Why does she always ignore me? “Why would the world’s most supernaturally lucky man work as a building superintendent? I mean, why doesn’t he just run down to the Illinois state lottery, enter, and, you know, he’d win automatically?” Well, at least she’s pointing out how dumb this all is and how it makes no sense. Henry is apparently listening to this entire conversation through a vent in the wall by the floor.
Shia LaBeouf’s Bedroom of Creepy Building Super Visits. Shia wakes up in bed to find Henry sitting beside him. Ok, that’s weird. Why do these two have a relationship? Henry’s the building super. Not Shia’s dad. Or is he? I know I wouldn’t want a building super hanging out in my apartment, watching my kid sleep. That is, if I had kids. But still, it’s creepy. Henry asks Shia how he’s feeling and then Shia asks Henry why the police are looking for him. Henry tries brushing it off on supposed stolen cable and then asks Shia if he’ll be ok by himself. Shia wants to know where Henry’s going and Henry says that it’s “something I got to do I’ve been putting off.” Yeah, putting off since 10 minutes ago.
Mulder and Scully’s Sensible Rental Car. They discuss Henry. Such an interesting subject. Except, it’s totally the opposite of that. So I’m just gonna skim over this conversation. Henry’s got no record of any kind, he doesn’t file taxes, have a bank account, insurance, driver’s license or even a Blockbuster card. “He’s retired from the world.”[/Scully] Then Mulder offers his information about how on Christmas 1989 Henry was in a plane crash that killed everyone on board except him. Except he did lose his eye. His seat number was 13 on flight 7. I have never been on a one-digit flight. Do they even exist? Mulder hypothesizes that this crash changed Henry’s life and he emerged the Luckiest Man in the World. He severed all ties and went into hiding. Scully counterpoints that there are lots of reasons why Henry would sever his ties, including survivor’s guilt. Scully: “I mean, what doesn’t track for me is why Henry Weems would drop off the map just because he suddenly became incredibly lucky.” Mulder: “What doesn’t track for me is why he’s resurfaced after all these years. Why he’s suddenly decided to use his luck in this way.” What doesn’t track for me is why this is an X-File and why they care so much.
GhettoMart. Henry asks the convenience store clerk how much the lotto is up to. It’s $28 million. Henry doesn’t need that much. How much does Henry need? About $100,000. The clerk gives Henry the appropriate ticket. Behind them, also playing the lotto, is the fakest looking punk I’ve ever seen. Seriously. Even when James Franco tried to go all punk in that episode of Freaks and Geeks where it was purposely written for him to be a poseur, he looked more original than this dude here. Henry and Poseur scratch off their tickets. Poseur loses. Henry wins $100,000. He’s excited until the clerk tells him that he’ll get the money in monthly installments for the next 12 months. That’s too long for Henry. He throws it in the trash. Poseur takes it out, against Henry’s advice. Apparently, something bad will happen. The clerk tries to claim the ticket since it was in his garbage after all, but he doesn’t really put up much of a fight. Poseur is all “in your face!” He runs out into the middle of the street, holding up his ticket in sweet, sweet victory. “100 grand, fools. 100 grand!” Then a large truck plows him over. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!! That was awesome.
Later at the GhettoMart, Scully is asking the clerk some questions about what happened as Poseur is loaded onto an ambulance. Oh, man. He didn’t die? Well, maybe he will later. Especially if there’s a chance he’s being sent to County. I hear there’s an abnormally high mortality rate at that hospital. So, the clerk identifies Henry as being the one who originally won the ticket and when he checked to make sure Poseur was alive, he fled. Then Poseur gave his lottery ticket to the clerk, out of the kindness of his posing heart. Scully’s all, Eyeroll. Scully tells Mulder that for such a lucky guy, Henry seems (Get it? It rhymes with Weems! Shut up.) to cause a lot of not so lucky situations for other people. Mulder says that maybe you can’t have one without the other. Like love and marriage. Or a horse and carriage. Or this episode and boredom. Scully asks Mulder why Henry bought a lotto ticket. Uh, to win some money? Not that hard to figure out, Special Agent Dana “I’m A Medical Doctor” Scully. “Maybe it’s like you said. Why wouldn’t the luckiest man in the world enter the lottery? Actually, that’s exactly what you said about an hour after you said it.” Dun dun DUN!! Not really. Scully checks out Henry’s apartment, but he’s not there. Mulder is fascinated by a vent in the wall. Scully asks him if he thinks Henry hid in there. The vent is the size of a medium sized book. Unless Henry is not only lucky, but a distant relative of Eugene Tooms, I don’t see how he could be hiding in that vent. Mulder and Scully go downstairs to see where the vent leads to. After they leave, another Mafia Henchman arrives and he also finds Henry’s apartment empty. He then notices the vent, and goes to check himself.
Henry’s Lucky Secret Room That, In The Mob’s Case, Is Not So Lucky. As Mulder approaches the room, Henry abandons his little wooden man carving, puts the carving tool in his pocket and hides. Mulder walks in, sees a vent that’s actually big enough for a man to hide in and pulls Henry out. Mulder is pretty annoyed and he and Henry are going to have a talk! Henry’s gonna sit and not move! Mulder’s such a tough guy! Mulder then gets on the phone to call his girlfriend when they’re interrupted by the Mafia Henchman. The henchman is startled to see Mulder and vice versa. The henchman shoots Henry, but it bounces off his chest, hits Mulder in the arm, bounces off the walls and then kills the henchman. As he falls over, Scully appears. Henry shows them his dented carving tool that was in his pocket.
St. Patricia’s Hospital. Mulder’s sitting in his white undershirt getting his arm bandaged up. He’s looking mighty hot here, people. Mighty hot. Henry asks him if it hurts and Mulder says that it stings a little, “but I’ll live.” Except for that part where your brain is dying, which you’re apparently aware of, although this doesn’t coincide at all with your behavior in Season 7 and… you know what? Forget it. Scully appears with a deck of cards she probably bought down at the gift shop and hands it to Mulder. Mulder and Henry then play Top Card, or whatever it’s called, and Henry beats Mulder each time. Scully wants to know what that proves. I think her patience is wearing out. Well take a seat next to me, sister. Mulder says that it proves that Henry is incapable of losing. “How does it feel to be the luckiest man in the universe, Henry?” Henry says that it blows. Mulder spins his You Can’t Have One Without The Other theory and Henry says that when something goes right for him, “everybody else has to take it in the keister.” Mulder comments on Henry keeping a low profile until recently, when he played poker with the Mob because he doesn’t care if they take it in keister. Henry says that those “goombah jerks” have got “issues.” Henry knows he shouldn’t have played the lottery but he needs the money. Scully guesses that the money is for Shia. Apparently, Shia has hepatitis and he needs a new liver, but his blood is B- and he’s also CNV-, and finding a donor is impossible. Impossible, I tell you! Scully looks at her feet, realizing that Shia is basically a goner. Henry needs the $100,000 to get Shia into an experimental treatment program in England. Henry asks if he’ll be arrested. He won’t but he’ll still need protection from Cutrona’s henchmen. Henry says that the Mob needs protection from him and then takes a melodramatic exit, but not before flipping another card. It’s a King of hearts. Scully then scolds Mulder for being “utterly irresponsible” blah “feeding the delusions” blee “supposed to be talking him into protective custody” blah blah blee blee. How is getting Henry to testify their job? Are they working Cutrona’s case now? Isn’t it about time they started chasing Donnie Pfaster? Why in the world are they still in Chicago? Sigh. Moving on. Mulder doesn’t believe that Henry’s life is in danger. Henry’s leaving the hospital as Joe “Jimmy, Not Joey” Cutrona and Tony Longo get out of a car in front. Tony follows Henry down the street. Scully tells Mulder that he’s putting too much faith in luck and he’s risking Henry’s life on it. She says that lucky streaks come to an end, flips a card to reveal an Ace of hearts and our Immortal Blessed Saint Scully has beaten The Luckiest Man in the World. Mulder takes this as a sign that Henry needs protection and runs out of the hospital. Tony is following Henry down the sidewalk, carrying a blade and Mulder calls out to Henry. Henry forgets to look both ways and runs out into the street in front of a truck. Tony walks away and Mulder feels Henry for a pulse as Scully approaches. Henry’s fake eye is lying on the pavement.
Shia LaBeouf’s Bedroom of Hepatitis Hopefully Contracted By An Accidental Bad Blood Transfusion, And Not By Cocaine, Unprotected Sex or Poopy Food. Shia’s sitting on the floor playing with that toy contraption Henry made. Shia’s Mom comes in and gets him back into bed. Shia comments that Henry said that playing with that toy machine was educational. Shia’s Mom doesn’t want him to believe everything Henry says, especially since the police are looking for him and all. As Shia’s Mom gets a good look at him, we see that his skin is more jaundiced than before, his lips are gray and his eyes look as though someone pissed in them (Ed Note: Eww! – Starbucket).
St. Patricia’s Hospital. Henry’s alive and lying in a bed. Scully tells Mulder that Henry has a bruised rib and a black eye. Which I’m guessing is the real one. “And don’t tell me he just got lucky,” Scully says. Mulder says that maybe Henry’s lucky streak has just about run out. Scully says that getting hit by that truck knocked some sense into him and he’s agreed to testify against Cutrona. Case solved! Now let’s get the heck out of here.
Cutrona’s Tea Party. Cutrona puts down his teacup as Tony tells him that their guy from the Justice Department called to tell them about a warrant being issued. Cutrona is less than thrilled to learn that the “mook Weems” is still alive. Tony thought he was dead. “Maybe he has some special ability. He’s impervious or something.” As if Tony would even know the word impervious. Don’t point vocabulary at people if you haven’t been properly trained. Tony says that they can’t get to Henry because the cops are all over the hospital. “Who says we have to get to him?” Cutrona asks cryptically. Whatever. Henry is their big threat? The skinny dude with one eye they threw off a roof? This is the worst Mob in the history of the Mafia. The fellas on the East Coast would be ashamed.
Home of Shia & Shia’s Mom. The paramedics are there to pick up Shia. Shia wants to bring Henry’s toy to the hospital. The paramedics wheel Shia out of the apartment as his mom goes into his bedroom to get the toy and a bag of clothes. Tony enters the apartment. Sidebar: How does the Mob even know about Shia and his mom? The Mob knows that Henry, the building super, has a somewhat unrealistic and kind of creepy relationship with the son of this single mother living in the building? What the heck?
Hospital. Shia’s lying in his bed and Henry is there. As Mulder and Scully walk in, Henry asks them if they’ve found Shia’s Mom. They haven’t. “You know Cutrona took her. He did it to keep me from testifying.” Whatever. Mulder tells Henry that Cutrona’s their suspect but there’s no sign of kidnapping. “He’s too smart for that,” Henry whines. I beg to differ. His name is Joe and he has all his friends call him Jimmy. Stupid. Like that douchenozzle on The Hills who’s name is Justin but his friends call him Bobby. He tries to sound all profound by saying crap like “truth and time tells all” but really he’s just a retard who happens to look like a poor man’s Eddie Vedder. And he’s dating Audrina, even though he won’t actually come right out and say that she’s his girlfriend, even when another dude is totally trying to get in there and asking him what his situation with Audrina is. And Audrina is a stupidity eclipse for dating this guy over and over again, even though he constantly does dicky things, like ditching her and belching in her face repeatedly. So Lauren and Lo, who totally rocks by the way, started calling him Justin-Bobby just to screw with him. Anyways, Mulder tells Henry that they can’t get a search warrant even though 5 minutes ago Tony was telling Joe-Jimmy that a federal warrant was being issued. Man, I need to take a break…
Ok, I’m back. So Henry doesn’t think the FBI moves fast enough and he wants someone to stay with Shia so he can go and find Shia’s Mom himself. Mulder thinks that maybe Henry’s luck hasn’t changed and that this is all happening for a reason. Oh, brother. See, that may be good for Henry. But for me? Knowing there’s A Reason For All This only irritates me. Because “all this”? Is stupid and dull. Henry gets pissy and asks Mulder if he meant that Shia’s Mom getting kidnapped is a good thing. Mulder then blah blahs about maybe the luck ain’t really bad and that they “can’t see the forest through the trees.” Or maybe he said “for the trees.” Like I’ve said before, you can’t trust the Closed Captioning on these DVDs. I was watching the Anasazi/The Blessing Way/Paper Clip arc today and the cc spelled Hosteen’s name “Holstein.” Like the cow (Ed Note: Maybe he’s a Jewish Indian – Starbucket) . And it really pissed me off. Because in one recap I was calling him Holsteen and in the other I was calling him Hosteen and when I try to cross-reference by checking the episode he originated from, it’s apparently neither! God, this show! I swear, U2’s “With or Without You” should be the theme of our relationship. Breathe. Just breathe . Ok, moving on. I’ve totally lost my place here. Where were we? Oh, that’s right. Mulder was talking about trees. So after he says that stuff about luck and trees, Henry rips the sleeve of his jacket and stomps off like a 2 yr old. Mulder asks Scully how Shia’s doing and she says not good. If he doesn’t find a donor in the next couple hours, he’s gonna bite the dust. Mulder then makes a giant leap by asking Scully if it’s possible that everyone involved in Henry’s life became an integral part of his luck, including them. “Mulder, you’re speaking as if we’re all trapped in one of those contraptions that he built.” Mulder then says he’s gonna find Shia’s Mom in the phone book. Mulder opens to a random page, waves his hand in the air and then puts his finger down on “MUHAYMIN DAYCARE – Nurturing the Children of Islam Since 1983.” Mulder calls that a “dry run” and tries again. He opens to another random page and puts his finger down on the ad for “Grayson’s Linen Service.” There’s a shocker. I’m surprised an anvil didn’t drop on my head.
Home of Joe-Jimmy. Tony escorts Henry off the elevator and brings him to Cutrona. Henry tells him that he’s got no hard feelings about being thrown off a roof because apparently, his bruise has healed up. He tells Cutrona that he’s not going to testify and he wants him to let Shia’s Mom go. Cutrona claims not to know Shia’s Mom. And then he and Tony laugh like idiots. Henry tells them not to jerk him around. Cutrona feels as though he’s the one who’s being jerked around because Henry cheated at poker and killed a couple henchmen. Henry apologizes and asks them to let Shia’s Mom go because Shia’s really sick. Henry doesn’t care what they do him. “You’ll care. By the time I’m finished, you’ll definitely care.” Whatever. Cutrona is not even scary. At all.
Grayson’s Linen Service: For All Your Murderous Needs. So Cutrona and Tony have got Henry down in the basement and Shia’s Mom is locked up in this fence cage-thing. As Tony shoves Henry past this cart, an iron falls into a bucket of water. Tony then locks Henry’s hands onto a hook hanging from the ceiling. Cutrona pushes the Up button on a Remote Control Of Evil but it ain’t working. Tony pulls a switch and then Henry starts going up. Shia’s Mom starts yelling for them not to hurt Henry and Cutrona tells Tony to shut her up. As Tony heads towards Shia’s Mom, the iron lying in the water shorts out causing a shock to go up the cord, into the light and into the cage just as Tony reaches it. He’s electrocuted. The hook Henry was hanging from swings away, causing the large hook to start sliding down the cable and hit Cutrona in the face.
Hospital. Apparently, Grayson’s electricity malfunction in the basement makes the whole city flicker. Scully’s sitting in Shia’s room and looks up at the lights flickering. She then sees that some of the lights in the name of the children’s center go out, leaving only a few lit that actually spell [Shia]. Scully gives a sort of half-smile, chuckle. Some kind of reaction. Or maybe she just stares blankly at it because she’s bored. I can’t remember.
Basement of Poorly Organized Crime. Henry gets off the hook and helps Shia’s Mom out of the cage. Mulder and the cops show up, finally.
Mulder sees Cutrona’s dead body in a laundry cart with his arm sticking out, showing a medical ID bracelet stating that he’s got B- blood. Ahhhhhhh! An anvil just dropped from the ceiling and nearly killed me!
Hospital. Shia’s liver transplant went through smoothly, and apparently Mulder and Scully are still in Chicago. Why? They seriously waited around for Shia’s surgery? Whatever. Mulder asks Scully about the odds for Cutrona being a perfect match. “A thousand-to-one? A million-to-one?” Scully thinks for a minute. “Well, those sound like my chances for getting pregnant. Maybe everything does happen for a reason… whether we see it or not. Like maybe you and me having an AlienMiracleBaby.” Henry joins Shia and his mom in the hospital room and they play with Shia’s basketball contraption. Mulder and Scully smile, as they look in on the picture of one happy family. Or, a building super and a couple residents.
I bet you all forgot about that “epiphery” I wanted to have! I figured the “Goldberg Variation” thing out. Henry’s contraptions are Rube Goldberg devices. Well, that wasn’t so much an “epiphery” as it was me reading the back story of the episode in my Offical Guide to The X-Files Volume 6.
Recap by Bolissa