6X04 – DREAMLAND
by foxestacado
Okay, so, a couple things before starting this recap. First off, this is one of very few episodes that features Mulder and Scully in the teaser. A bit of trivia, there. No need to thank me. The other thing? I once drove this highway coming back from Tucson (via Vegas), and Michael McKean never stopped me. So don’t go thinkin’ this happens to everyone. Just Mulder and Scully. All that bein’ said, let’s play our game!
The Scroll in the Font of Courier New With Caps Lock On tells us that we’re on Highway 375 in rural Nevada. Which could really be anywhere that isn’t Lake Tahoe, Reno, or Vegas (ooh, don’t forget Laughlin! … Maybe only Nevadans get that joke. Never mind.), but is really this stretch of road outside of Vegas that is affectionately known as “The Extraterrestrial Highway”. Though, sadly, you don’t ever get to see actual extraterrestrials on it. It’s also 11:17 PM. A car whizzes by and suddenly we’re inside. It’s Mulder! And Scully! And Mulder’s driving! Oh, so that’s not so exciting. And it’s really dark. I mean, I know it’s 11:17pm and all, but you can hardly see their faces. If there were a kiss in this scene, I’d be extremely upset. That’s how dark it is. Anyway, he’s telling her that the only have two miles left, and Scully’s tingling. Or, erm, “all a-tingle”. She asks Mulder, in that affectionately chastising voice we all know and love, how he knows that his so-called “clandestine source” isn’t “another crackpot whose encyclopedic knowledge of extraterrestrial life isn’t derived exclusively from reruns of Star Trek.” There’s a joke to be had here about Klingons circling Uranus, but I can’t quite get the bat off my shoulder. Anyway, Mulder tells Scully that this source works inside Area 51 and as he begins to explain what Area 51 is – because she’s 12 and has NO idea – when she interrupts and finishes his thought. “Marry me,” he says, awed by her. Oh, wait. That’s Chinga. In this one, he exclaims that proof of E.T. life (extraterrestrial is too long to type, althought I just did, so nevermind) is in there. And this is when Scully gets all metaphory with driving and stopping the car and getting out instead of watching their lives pass them by. Which is all well and good, but if I were Mulder, I’d be a little frustrated. Not more than a couple months previous, he practically begged her to “go be a doctor” and she refused. Why is she complaining about this now? Maybe she’s just tired. It is 11:17pm, after all.
So, he responds to her “don’t you want a normal life?” with “This is a normal life,” (which it totally isn’t, but he’s pretty so we’ll ignore his occasional stupidity) when the headlights from a car approach them from the right. Mark Snow’s Lower Keys on the Piano of Doom pound away as what turns out to be several cars skid to a halt right in front of them, blocking their path. Ooh, they’re behind them, too. Men get out, all heavily armed and fatigue-wearing. They request that Mulder and Scully get out of their car, which they do, hands held high. Out of one of the cars emerges… gasp! It’s CSM! With the smoking and the backlit silhouette! No, just kidding. Nice fakeout, Chris Carter. It’s really Michael McKean, star of awesome movies like Best in Show and Spinal Tap (and who, incidentally, seems to be married to Clark’s mom on Smallville, but that’s neither here nor there) and some awesomely bad movies like Earth Girls Are Easy. Not!CSM walks right up to M&S and asks for their IDs. They oblige, and he sighs. These damn FBI agents, gettin’ all up in his bid’nis. He tells them that they have to turn around because the road boarders a US Testing Ground, but not, by any means, Area 51. Nope. Nothing to see here! (“Cows turn themselves inside out all the time!” – South Park) Of all people, Scully calls him out, asking him if he’s testing crafts using U.F.O. technology. Guess she becomes a believer after a few hours in the car on a deserted Nevada highway. Yea, Not!CSM thinks they’re crazy and turns to head back to his car. Scully grabs Mulder’s arm and pulls him into an embrace. No, not really. She tries to get him back into the car, but then there’s this rumbling. And a light. A bright… light! It passes over Mulder and Scully and they’re illuminated in a way that is, well, that’s really attractive for both of them. Not!CSM has this look on his face like, “God Dammit! They just totally blew my cover!” As it hovers directly over Mulder’s head, there’s this whooshing noise and a ripple before the space craft seems to malfunction and either land or crash.
When Mulder looks back down, he’s looking at Scully. But he’s wearing Not!CSM’s suit! What just happened? Is this that Jody Foster movie where she switches bodies with her mom? Or, for the youngsters in the audience, that Lindsay Lohan movie where she switches bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis? It might as well be. Mulder’s all, WTF?!, as Not!CSM, now wearing Mulder’s pectastic grey shirt (although not so pectastic on McKean) and blue jeans, calmly gets back in the car with Scully and the two of them drive off.
Credits. Has anyone noticed that The Bionic Woman credits are trying to go for the same tone as these but are failing miserably? No? Just me?
We’re back. Mulder starts to run after the car as it drives away. A military guy asks if he wants him to open fire, but Mulder’s all, “My touchstone is in that car, you ass! Put your gun down!” As Army Boy asks what Mulder’s orders are, he contemplates for a second. Clearly these men are at his command, which is kinda cool in a totally freaked out kinda way. After a beat, Mulder tells Army Boy that he wants to get outta there. He gets into the passenger seat of a car and a voice from behind him keeps calling him Morris. That must be Not!CSM’s name. Oh, look! It’s Jeffrey Spender! Just kidding. Another fakeout. This guy is named “Howard” and the guy next to him, in shadow, doesn’t have a name yet. Howard asks why “Morris” let the FBI agents leave, and Mulder answers that they didn’t know anything. Which is kinda true, actually. No Name adds that they can’t just “disappear” two FBI agents.
Big Friggin’ Sign That Reads “Area 51”. You’d think a top secret testing facility would be a little less obvious, but whatever. Their car pulls through the gate and passes a bunch of stealth-bomber-like aircraft. Inside a building, “Morris”, Howard, and No Name are asked for their Identification. “Morris” looks at his, and it’s a badge with McKean’s mug plastered on it. I think he’s finally getting the hint, boys and girls. He shows the guard “his” ID and looks at himself in the surveillance camera. The face looking back at him is also not his own. And, hey, credits tell us that this episode was written by John Gilnitz! Cool! He’s a popular guy in this episode. No Name makes an offhand remark that “the old man” is still here, and Howard rushes off to find out what’s going on. No Name swipes his card in a… card swiper thingy, and Mulder watches. It’s a good thing Area 51’s security is so tight that all you need is one of those cards with your picture on it and not have to know any, y’know, codes or anything. Mulder follows No Name’s lead and swipes his card at another door that has Morris’ name on it. Morris Fletcher, we learn. Inside the office, Mulder takes a gander at the photos on the wall. Morris and Newt Gindrich, Morris and The Reagans… aw, man! Another Republican? What’s with this show’s liberal agenda, making all Republicans bad guys? Not that I don’t agree with the show’s liberal agenda, but it’s a little obvious. Oh, look! It’s Morris and Sadam! Or is it John Gilnitz? I can never be sure. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, we’ll get to that later. Anyway, as Mulder examines the photos, he seems to finally realize that this… Republican… is with Scully. Help! Scully’s trapped in a car with a Republican! Who smokes! Okay, I’ll stop. Sorry to offend those more conservative readers. Each his own, and what not.
The real Morris Fletcher – the one in the Mulder suit – pulls into a gas station. Scully is concerned because he’s been silent since the confrontation. “Mulder” is fine. “Gas cap’s on your side.” He’s a prince, this one. She gets out and begins to pump gas as her phone rings. “Mulder” is fiddling with the radio and can’t hear it, so she has to hop back into the car to pick it up, turning down the radio and giving “Mulder” a dirty look. Oh, she’s gonna be a great mother. Except not really since William ends up being kidnapped, almost killed twice, and ultimately put up for adoption all before his first birthday.
By the time she picks up, though, Mulder – the real Mulder – has to hang up. No Name bursts into his office exclaiming, “Bastard!” Back at the gas station, Scully hangs up and gets back out. “Mulder” asks her to pick him up some Morleys (Morley’s slogan? “The choice for fictional characters. Preferably evil.”). “You don’t smoke!” Scully exclaims. And Morris answers with this little gem, “You’re not gonna be a Nazi about it, are you?” Taking a moment to decide whether to chew him out on the dangers of smoking or just slam the door in his face, Scully decides upon the latter and heads inside the little shop.
No Name is back in Morris’ office, explaining to Mulder that there’s definitely a leak. Someone called the FBI this morning from “Wegman’s” office. Mulder has no idea who that is, so each time No Name says something, Mulder just repeats it with this “I obviously have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m pretending like I do” voice. Basically, Mulder’s leak came from within the “old man’s” office. No Name says about the leak, “He’s rubbing our noses in… the fact that he works in this building, that he has access to everything, all our work.” He doesn’t for a minute suspect Wegman himself because that would be too obvious. Just before Mulder is forced to react to No Name’s anger, the phone rings. He picks it up to hear a very shrill Nora Dunn on the other end (who was awesome in Three Kings, but I was never a fan of her on SNL) bitching about why he isn’t home yet and not to forget the milk. Ah, marriage. It seems so fun. Mulder notices a picture of Morris’s family, which includes an average-looking pre-teen son and a, let’s say, generously be-schnozzled teenage daughter. What a joy that family must be. No Name confirms that it’s “the wife”, then cracks an invisible whip at Mulder, making that oh-so-classy “wuck-shh” sound as Mulder just looks like he got hit with a truck. No Name invites “Morris” to go home with him (no, not like that; they’re just carpooling together) and the next scene is No Name dropping Mulder off in front of a modest two story home in the middle of the night. He sorta looks around, then, resigned, heads inside. I find it incredibly amusing that there’s this entire community out in the middle of the desert somewhere. Shopping must be a bitch.
He cracks open the door quietly and surveys the entry hall. It’s interesting that even though it’s – again – a super top secret organization, they don’t feel it necessary to lock their doors. Anyway, Mulder heads straight for the phone to, I presume, try and call Scully again. What he hears isn’t even a dial tone; it’s an operator asking to whom the call should be directed. Hey, I thought only the President got that kinda phone service! Cool! Anyway, Mulder doesn’t want his call traced so he says “Good Night” and quietly hangs up. The next scene is him sneaking into the master bedroom to find Nora Dunn already asleep. The music is all tense and he’s all shadowy, even thought the scene is incredibly tame. Did he expect to find an alien asleep in there? He shuts the doors again and finds a comfortable spot on the Laz-E-Boy in front of the sofa. He flips until – what else – soft core porn is on the TV, then he lies back to sleep. It’s hilarious that he sleeps to porn, rather than doing what… other people do while watching it. So I’ve heard. Eh-hem. Moving on.
Ooh, now we’re getting somewhere. We’re looking at the wreckage of a plane crash. Or at least a craft crash, but that doesn’t quite roll of the tongue the same way. Men in silver suits walk around with fire extinguishers as a white Jeep Cherokee flies toward them at a speed that can’t be safe. An older guy gets out of the car, and by the way NotSpender is sucking up to him, I’m guessing he’s the “old man” that No Name was taking about earlier. His uniform indicates he’s some kind of General or Captain, or whatever rank is at the top of the Area 51 Secret-Alien-Technology-Testing-Military chain of command. NotSpender is telling this “old man” that the craft seems to have lost altitude over Highway 375 right around 23:17 hrs (that’s 11:17 to you and me – sound familiar?), although they can’t figure out why. They have the flight data recorder, though, so that should help. And the pilots? Well… let’s just say the co-pilot’s a rock star (get it? Sigh. Okay, not my best work, I’ll admit) while the pilot’s gone catatonic. No, seriously. The co-pilot seems to have merged with a nearby rock on what seems to be a molecular level! Gross! And the pilot, thankfully whole (and kinda cute), was found rocking quietly back and forth and muttering something in a Native American dialect. And the guy’s totally white! What the…?
Ooh, back at the FBI, Scully is waiting outside Kersh’s office, looking smokin’, as usual. She sees “Mulder” walk past the office all nonchalant-like and calls him inside like a disobedient puppy. It’d be kinda cute if it was really Mulder and not this asshole. He smiles and calls her “Dana” – EVEN THOUGH NO ONE’S DIED; clearly he’s not her Mulder – and tells her that he got a little “lost in [his] head” and that’s why he was late. As he flirts with Kersh’s secretary, Scully just looks at him like he’s way crazier than usual. Ms. Bottle Blond behind the desk informs them that Kersh is waiting and “Mulder” practically sprints into the office.
And here’s Kersh. Ah, James Pickens, Jr., how I both love and loathe you. First, let me say that you are awesome on Grey’s Anatomy. You bring a sense of warmth and gravitas to the series that I really enjoy. Aaaand then there’s this performance. Where’s the warmth? The grandfatherly advice? The need to watch old movies with Patrick Dempsey and McSteamy while eating cold pizza and whining about whether Meredith Grey’s mother really loved you? It’s just not there, and the character’s the worse for it, if you ask me. Anyway, it goes without saying that every other word he says is emphasized, so I’m not even going to bother typing all that out like Jessica does it. Basically, he’s not happy that Mulder and Scully were in Nevada (one point in his favor… at least he pronounces “Nevada” right, unlike half the cast of CSI even though the show takes place there. It’s Navadah, not Nevaughdah.), and that this is the third time he’s lectured them about these “field trips”. And that they should, per the Pentagon, be reprimanded for trespassing on a top secret base, even though they were really just on the freeway. But let’s not let itsy bitsy stuff like “logic” get in the way of good storytelling. Then, he asks them whether their current caseload warranted such a trip, even though, again, logic-be-damned, they weren’t exactly on duty at the time and it could have been considered a private expedition. It’s not like Mulder submitted an expense report. But Fletcher-as-Mulder explains calmly to Kersh that they were contacted by someone on the base and that, “If [he] had the name [he]’d give it to [him]. Some whistle-blower working inside the so-called Area 51.” Then he babbles on about how the whole thing was a “gigantic mistake” on their part. Meanwhile, Scully is just looking at both of them like “What the hell is going on here?” And when “Mulder” agrees with Kersh that he should not be investigating the X-Files, she shoots this “if looks could kill” glance his way that Mulder would have found incredibly sexy but Fletcher just blows off. Now Fletcher is apologizing to Kersh for their “blatant disregard of [his] direct order.” I’d imagine that Kersh was speechless, but they cut straight from Fletcher to them leaving the office, so I guess we just have to assume he was. Oh, and didja catch how he gave the Bottle Blond a little look, there? And is it considered cheating on Scully if Mulder’s body has sex even though Mulder wasn’t in it at the time? That question comes into play later.
Scully just chases after him as he leaves the office, just totally pissed off at him. She’s so cute when she’s angry. And as she’s lecturing him he totally walk away, mid-sentence, to hit on the Bottle Blond again. Right in front of her! Doesn’t he know she’s his one in five billion?! The person with whom he should be picking out china patterns? The one who’s turned on by his boyish agility? Doesn’t he see?! As he returns, she verbally bitch-slaps him with, “What is going on with you?” Okay, so a minor bitch-slap. I’m surprised; after Eddie Van Blundht you’d think she’d be a little more aware that maybe he’s not who he seems. Anyway, she claims he’s acting bizarre and he grins devilishly, “Jealous?” and walks away, slapping her ass. Classy. I’m surprised she didn’t have to be held back, although she probably gets her fair share of playful ass-slappage in the bedroom. Maybe she was just surprised he took it public.
Ah, here’s the real Mulder. Or “Morris”, as I’ll call him whenever I remember to. He’s still asleep on the recliner, even though sunlight is pouring through the windows. He’s awakened to a smack on the head and immediately assumes it’s Scully, which definitely says something about the slapping and the bedroom thing. But it’s not. It’s Nora Dunn, and she’s hella pissed that he fell asleep to porn in the living room. She turns the TV off and kicks down the footrest which forces him upright. “And who is Scully?” she demands. “Ah, you know,” he replies, “My significant other, but not in the widely understood definition of the term. She’s the one I want to have little UberScullys with. Y’know, my human credential.” But she ignores him, lecturing him on how he could have at least come to bed, pretend they have a happy marriage. Then she brings up a valid point – what if the kids had seen their dad watching porn? Because I know that’d scar me for life. “Morris” barely remembers he has kids. So, she stalks off and he follows her, asking about his car keys and looking totally overwhelmed. The aforementioned generously beschnozzled daughter comes down the stairs, and Mulder incorrectly guesses that she’s Teri. He’s discovered how wrong he is when she starts bawling and runs back up the steps. “What did you do to Chris?” Nora screeches. Mulder just wants to find his damn keys, and who the hell names their daughter Chris and their son Teri, anyway? Because that’s just mean.
Then Teri comes down the hall, although I’m guessing he doesn’t spell it that way. Mulder’s comforted by the fact that at least he knows his one’s name, then gets thrown off when Terry insists he be called Terrence, because “Terry’s for wusses.” Mulder snarks, “Like Terrence isn’t?” He follows Terrence into the kitchen, kind of surprised by the dystopic view of a family breakfast that is lain out in front of him. Nora is furiously beating some eggs because, as she reminds her “husband”, he forgot the milk. I notice with a kind of fascinated awe that the doors of their fridge perfectly match the kitchen cupboards. That’s some custom built shit right there. Do they have secret Home Depots in Area 51, too? Mulder just really wants his keys, and spots them on the kitchen counter. He practically lunges for them, but Nora grabs them first, insisting that she’s taking the minivan. I bet his patience is running out, if his flared nostrils are any indication. Just then Chris (although I bet it’s spelled Kris) enters the kitchen, and Nora asks her if she’s given her father his car keys yet. As Mulder reaches for them, she does that annoying thing that all teenagers who are pissed at their parents do… she “accidentally” drops them. Smooth. Mulder’s all, “whatever, this ain’t my fight,” and starts to hightail it outta there when Nora tells him that he was supposed to “give Kris an answer about her nose today.” Mulder’s all, “kill me now,” and eyes her schnozz warily. “I think she’s a little young for plastic surgery, don’t you think?” Oh, no. And he’s totally serious, too. Now, from this poor teenage girl’s POV, her father forgot her name, then told her she had a giant nose. Which, let’s face it, is true, but you don’t want to hear that from your father. Although judging from his interactions with Scully, her real dad’s not exactly a winner himself, is he? Anyway, Kris starts to cry again and runs out of the room as Nora snaps, “Oh, for God’s sake, Morris. A nose ring! She said she wants a nose ring!” D’oh! “Oh… well… my work here is done,” says Mulder. Yes, it is.
He finally heads toward the door and Nora follows him, grabbing his arm. She wants a straight answer: does he want a divorce? Mulder’s like, “Look, lady. I’m just trying to get back to my touchstone. Please let me go, okay? You seem like a nice, if shrill, person, and I’m sure when you’re husband gets back, he can give you a straight answer. But for now, please. Let me leave.” No, not really. He apologizes and says he’s not himself and discovers through the course of the conversation that the real Morris is an ass (but we already knew that, didn’t we, audience?) and Nora is really Joanne. She seems to be satisfied with the “not myself” answer, and lets it lie. But then she reminds him that he’s wearing the suit from yesterday. Heh, oops. I’m sure Mulder does that a lot.
So, he’s upstairs admiring the several black suits in the closet and making a clever comment about Johnny Cash, when the single most embarrassing moment of the season rears its ugly head. The mirror dance. Look, I get that Mulder wants to pull the Sam “Swiss Cheese Brain” Beckett, check-out-your-body-in-the-mirror-because-you’re-still-not-used-to-the-fact-that-it’s-not-your-own thing, but does he have to do the badly choreographed dance with the real Michael McKean on the other side and not keeping very good time? It’s so plainly and painfully obvious that they’re not in sync like, at all. Speaking of N*Sync, I need to say Bye, Bye, Bye to this entire sequence.
Okay, that was bad.
But not as bad as the dancing.
Mid-boogie, Joanne walks in on “Morris” with a phone and he makes like his finishing his Tai Chi. Don’t worry, Mulder. I’m sure nothing would surprise her, at this point. She hands him the phone and leaves the room. He starts to answer “Mulder”, but catches himself. “Jeff” is on the other line (who was, until now, known as “No Name”) telling him to get his ass down to the office “toot sweet”. I’m sure that’s not how you spell it, but I took German, not French, so sue me. Oh, and I had to look that phrase up (years ago, not just now). It means, like, right now. Really quickly. Stuff like that. As an aside, remember in Red Museum when that freaky voyeur caught someone “en flagrante delicto”? Yea, I had to look that one up, too. By the way, it means sex. Anyway, “Morris” is needed at work but Jeff can’t say anything more over the phone. Which, again, begs the question. Aren’t they on a top secret base? Shouldn’t their phone lines be, like, secure? Whatever.
Back to the white Indian pilot. NotSpender and “old man”, also known as “sir”, are talking about the pilot, who is rocking gently back and forth in a Plexiglas prison. He’s from Indiana, no known foreign language skills (
We then cut to Tiger Woods. Or, at least, a badly rendered computer generated version of him playing golf. “Mulder”, aka Morris, is playing golf on his computer in the bullpen (wow – we’re not even allowed to have Tetris where I work) as Scully just stares at him. Her phone rings. It’s Mulder. No, I mean the real Mulder. Calling from a payphone. He apologizes for not calling sooner as she stares at who she thinks is Mulder. She’s like, “okay crazy person. I’ll listen for as long as it takes to trace this call, then you’re goin’ bye bye (yes, like N*Sync).” He tells her that the man she’s with is Morris Fletcher, and basically recaps what we saw in the beginning, with the body switching. She writes down the name, tells her “Mulder” to pick up the phone, as our Mulder catches her up on the plot so far. He asks her to come “out here” right away, but doesn’t think the line is secure enough to tell her why. Maybe it’s because Morris picked up the phone all loud and Mulder totally heard him. They hang up and Scully asks “Mulder” if that was his source. He says no, but that they should notify Kersh so he doesn’t chew their asses out again. She questions him, and he responds with, “Look, little lady. I think it’s time you got your panties on straight. We’re federal officers. We go by the book.” Two things. First, I would LOVE to see David Duchovny say that to her. Just morbid fascination, I guess. Second, I adore how she looks at him like he’s about to get his ass kicked. Did he seriously just “little lady” her? What are we in, like, 1956? I also think she’s starting to believe the crazy guy who called her a moment ago.
Mulder is inside the gas station picking up a pack of sunflower seeds. The attendant gives him eleven cents change, but Mulder tells him to keep it. “Wow,” the attendant says, “Maybe I’ll just close early.” Ha! I love sarcastic dayplayers. Mulder heads out to Morris’ car and pulls away. But the camera is focused on a nearby field as tumbleweeds roll past. They certainly got that part right. I have do drive over them to get out of my driveway when it’s windy. Know what it is? No? Wanna? No? I’m gonna tell you anyway. Nevada is overrun with sage bushes. When they get all dry, they break off and the wind rolls them up together (because they’re prickly) and that’s how you get a Nevadan tumbleweed. Aren’t you glad you know that now? I thought so.
The attendant, still inside the gas station shop, notices a rumbling. Then it’s pretty obvious because the entire building is shakin’ like an earthquake. He’s freakin’ out, glass is flyin’ everywhere but then…
Oh, it’s Mulder again. As he’s driving to work, his “buddies” fly past in their ubiquitous white Jeeps. The last one, driven by Jeff, slows down, and Jeff tells him to “turn around, big guy.” They pull over at the gas station where Mulder just was. It’s all to’ up. Mulder runs inside to find the attendant, and does. He’s partially been absorbed by the ground, all gross like. NotSpender tells him, “it’s happened again,” and Mulder is both curious and demanding that they get the guy a doctor. Jeff tells Mulder not to worry about him as one of the guys in fatigues shoots the guy in the head. Woah. I don’t think he’s gonna survive that, even with a doctor’s attention. As they exit, NotSpencer tells them to burn the building, and are confused by “Morris’s” sudden caring nature as the building goes up in flames.
Back on Scully, she’s exiting the elevator in Mulder’s apartment complex to find the Bottle Blond from Kersh’s office giving “Mulder” a little mouth-to-mouth. Standing up. And awake. I’ve basically run out of ways to describe how pissed (and possibly hurt) Scully is in this episode, but suffice it to say she’s not happy with him. She enters the apartment and tells “Mulder” that the trace on the call indicated that the caller, né Mulder, was 3 miles outside of Groom Lake at a payphone. Bingo! Maybe he’s Mulder’s source? Morris is all, “maybe so” as he puts his tie back on. He’s very noncommittal, this one. Come on, Scully, figure it out! Why doesn’t “Mulder” want to follow up on this? Because he’s NOT MULDER! He asks her if she’s out of her mind and, that’s it. She loses it. She says he’s out of his mind and that she should examine him for mental illness, drugs, or a massive head injury. “This is an X-File. Your life’s work. Your crusade.” His comeback? He calmly says, “As I understand it, we’re off the X-Files.” Argh! She just stalks off. Maybe NOW she gets it. “Morris looks in the mirror and we see the Sam Beckett effect used again here, but blessedly sparingly, as he calls Scully a bitch. Oh no he di’n’t! A million Scullyists just threw their remotes at the television.
Back at Area 51, NotSpender is showing everyone a lizard with his head in a rock that someone turned in to the local vet. All of these weird meldings and body switchings have happened within a few miles of each other. They plan to confirm where the “warp” began once they analyze the flight data recorder. Aw, man? They still haven’t done that yet? How long is this episode? NotSpender explains that this all is caused by a tear in the space/time continuum, and maybe their knowledge of extraterrestrials is derived from Star Trek reruns. “Sir” informs the audience that they’ve been flying these things since 1953 but this is the first time this has happened. Ack! This is a lot of information to type! Okay, so basically, the ship has “anti gravity propulsion” and the severe change in trajectory caused the tear. Ground zero is where they intercepted Mulder and Scully, but no one remembers it (except, I gather, Mulder and Morris) because “lost time is a common symptom of close proximity to anti-gravity propulsion systems.” But they can’t figure out why some people have heads in rocks and others switch bodies. Mulder wants to know how to get the lizard out of the rock, but they’re stumped on that one. Great. Just great.
Scully’s driving by herself along the Nevada highway, when she comes across the burned out shell of the gas station. On the ground, she finds a dime and penny fused together at the center and stares at it curiously as we would normally cut to a commercial but don’t since this is a DVD.
Morning. Mulder’s asleep on the Laz-E-Boy again as Nora screeches at him, “This is not a marriage! It’s a farce,” and, “I disgust you, don’t I?” Mulder’s all, “Of course not!” But then she asks him why he mumbles Scully in his sleep and that just opens up a whole can of fanfic ideas. Mulder dreams about Scully? Like, for reals? Hm. I wonder if he dreams that she’s an OSS agent on a 1939 luxury liner… Anyway, Mulder’s kinda flustered, and tries to explain that Scully isn’t another woman: “Does Scully sound like a woman’s name to you?” and then he plays the “top secret job” card, which she doesn’t buy. So, he goes into this spiel about how he doesn’t know who he is anymore and that he’s not the man she married, and she mistakes this for Erectile Dysfunction and says, “They have that pill now.” So, she gives him a hug, exclaims that “there’s other ways to be intimate,” and seems satisfied with this. That is, until the doorbell rings and a hot redhead named Scully happens to be at the door. Aw, busted. Mulder can’t hide the joy on his face when he sees her, and Joanne slaps him. Ooh, kinda hard. And calls him a son-of-a-bitch. Well, can you blame him? Scully’s a fox!
Mulder walks her out to the sidewalk and she’s asking him if he’s Morris from Area 51 and he’s trying to tell her that he’s Mulder. He’s got his hand on her back and she’s all, get off me, freak, as Joanne is screaming from the window and throwing his clothes out on the lawn like in every my-evil-cheating-husband Lifetime movie ever made. He’s telling Scully that he and Morris switched bodies, but of course she doesn’t believe him. Why would he expect anything different? Then he starts rattling facts off about her, but they’re facts that are, let’s face it, easily Google-able. Her full name, her mom’s name, how Bill, Jr. hates him, and how she’s been eating yogurt with bee pollen even though he tells her she’s a scientist and she should know better. Hee. That last one’s kinda cute. Plus, I consider it a shout-out to the FTF almost kiss, since she’s clearly trying to build up a bee tolerance for the next time. Aaand, she looks like she kinda believes him for a sec before Joanne comes back out of the house, still, as always, screeching. It’s kind of a thankless and one note role for Nora Dunn, isn’t it? Scully tells Mulder that he could have gotten the info anywhere (like Google, perhaps?) and he’s like, “even that yogurt thing?” Then he turns into a valley girl and says, like, “That is so you. That is so Scully. Well, it’s good to know you haven’t changed. It’s somewhat comforting.” He’s willing to offer her scientific proof of what happened. Tonight. In the bedroom. Oh, but only after he gets his own body back. Because, ew.
Then we see Mulder in the reflection of a car’s side view mirror. As it’s flicked back into place, we see Mulder again. Morris just watched the entire thing! And, look. I get that it’s a cool effect, seeing Mulder there then Mulder here. But shouldn’t that have been Morris’ reflection from far away and Mulder’s close up? I mean, if we’re following the “rules” of the story thus far? Or did they just break them for a neat camera trick? Yea, that’s what I thought.
NotSpender, also known as Howard, runs into his office to catch his ringing phone. It’s Morris, calling as Mulder, telling him that he’s got a security leak. Man, this guys’ just trying to ruin it for everyone, isn’t he? Asshole. And, he happens to have a name for NotSpender. But we don’t hear what it is. Instead, we see Mulder sneaking down into the lizard/rock room to snag the flight data recorder. He puts it in a brown paper bag as Mark Snow’s Oboe of About To Get Caught-ness plays the slow, somber version of the X-Files theme. And, uh-oh! NotSpender totally saw him do it! Morris just turned himself in… sorta! That bastard!
Scully’s driving and pics up the phone. It’s Kersh. And he’s pissed. “Mulder” has told Kersh about where she is and she must follow his instructions or “don’t bother coming back from Nevada”. Again, he gets props for pronouncing Nevada correctly, but otherwise is totally lamesause.
Later that night, at another gas station. Mulder enters with the data recorder and meets Scully by the frozen food section. He tells her he’s got the proof, but she just stands there looking guilty as the guy behind the counter slowly ducks down. Oh, no! The Aliens are coming again! It’s a bright light! Oh, never mind. It’s just men in fatigues and large guns coming to arrest “Morris”. Scully apologizes as NotSpender and Jeff look at him with disappointment. Just then, “Mulder” pops in, and our Mulder launches toward him. As he’s being dragged away, he implores Scully, “Would I do this? He orchestrated this whole thing! He’s not me!” And I think she gets it just as we see…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Oh, thank God it’s over. Halfway, at least.
Recap by Starbucket