by foxestacado

Welcome to the Premiere of Season 6! A season whose tone is so up and down, you’d think Mulder and Scully were bipolar. There are many things you have to look forward to this season. Like Scully bitching at Mulder and Mulder bitching at Scully! And don’t forget Diana Fowley’s campaign to prove to Mulder that she has everything that Scully lacks! There’s also some stuff about weird weather, psycho-analyzing ghosts, and baseball. But before we can get there, we have to start at the beginning. Do you see what I did just there? With “the beginning”? Get it?

Previously on The X-Files: CSM tried to have a 12 yr old chess prodigy named Gibson Praise assassinated because he could read minds. Mulder’s ex Diana Fowley came back from Europe just as Mulder and Scully were on the verge of making a breakthrough with their work. Diana then worked alongside them as they tried to protect Gibson. While watching Gibson, Diana was shot and Philes everywhere prayed for her death. Mulder and Scully were taken off the X-Files and their office was burnt to a crisp. While they were working on a terrorist threat in Texas, Shadowman Michaud let a building blow up in his face to hide some bodies infected with the alien virus. The FBI’s OPR tried to split Mulder and Scully up, blaming them for the building even though that makes no sense whatsoever. Strughold, a Syndicate member we’d never seen before, lisped all over the place and used some bad grammar which became a staple in the X-Philes universe.

Mulder almost kissed Scully in his hallway but was thwarted by a bee containing the alien virus that waited 12 hrs to sting her. A fake ambulance took Scully to the airport, where CSM escorted her to Antarctica. Mulder got the vaccine and Scully’s location from WMM before he offed himself in an exploding limousine. Mulder rescued Scully from an alien spacecraft buried in a glacier, but the vaccine woke the ship up and they barely made it out alive. Mulder watched the ship fly away for a minute before he passed out. Then Scully, who conveniently didn’t see the ship, hugged him until he felt better. Afterwards, they somehow made it back to Washington even though Mulder’s hellcat was out of gas. Then while Strughold was looking over his corn crops in Tunisia, he got a telegram stating that the X-Files had been reopened. Everybody up to speed?

Phoenix, Arizona. We’re greeted with an opening shot of the blazing sun, and it’s pretty blinding. Thanks for rubbing it in our faces, 1013. Two men run out of the desert and onto a white van that was parked on the side of the road. The van has a DNA double helix Roush Technologies logo on the side. Ooh! That was the company Blevins was in cahoots with. Weren’t they exposed in “Redux II” for messing around with the alien virus and basically being a front for the conspiracy’s activities? Well, I guess it’s nice to know they’re still going strong. So the van is basically a group carpooling home from work and one of the nerds calls the other two guys “dipwads” for needing a potty break. What a jerk. I already hate him and I hope that there’s some chance he gets killed by an alien. I’ll keep my fingers crossed. Dipwad #1 gives The Jerk the finger and then he says the most awesome comeback ever! “Is that your IQ or the number of dipwads your mother had?” I really hope the van gets attacked by some mutated aliens.

A little later, this dude sitting next to The Jerk is sweating profusely and shivering uncontrollably. The Jerk calls him “Sandy” and tells him that he has to hold it until he gets home. I don’t know about you guys, but having to pee really badly doesn’t make me break out into a sweat or give me the chills. It looks as though he’s got the flu. So, the van drops Sandy off at home and he looks really sick. When he gets inside his house, he turns the central air/heating box all the way up to HI. Instead of going upstairs to bed, he decides to sit on the couch and shiver. He looks as though he’s in pain and as he lifts his hand, he sees that its gone all transparent and gooey-looking. He then starts convulsing a little bit.

Next morning. The Nerd Carpool is back and The Jerk runs into the house to get Sandy . He notices that the house is stifling and he sees Sandy sitting on the couch. He calls to him. “Sandman? Hot Dog? Corn Dog? Hot Pocket?” But Sandy doesn’t move. As he walks around the couch, we’re given a lovely scene of Sandy ‘s open gaping hole in his chest. It’s all bloody and gross. The Jerk is freaked out and makes for the front door. Then we hear the familiar alien screeching sound from the movie and The Jerk turns around, looking horrified. Then the alien lunges for The Jerk and he’s all, “Help me!” He’s bloody and running for the door. Just as he gets his hand on the doorknob, he’s attacked again. Damn. So close! We hear some screaming and then fade to…

Credits. OK, how fucking stupid is CSM and the Syndicate for studying the mutated virus in Arizona ? In the movie, weren’t they practically having aneurysms over keeping it contained and sticking to their “Deny Everything” mantra? They know the alien virus thrives on heat! And why weren’t these scientist nerds under heavy security? No wonder the Syndicate got burned up. Man, I have a feeling this is going to be one long recap.

FBI Lab. Mulder’s working at this computer, putting burned pieces of paper together. They look like his burned up X-Files cases. Then Mulder is sitting in front of a table filled with Assistant Directors, including one Walter Skinner. Mulder is telling them that he’s been working on restoring his cases with adding moisture to the burned paper and then gluing them back to together. Something like that. I guess he succeeds because apparently, ALL THOSE X-Files Doggett read was enough for him to think it was an actual accomplishment.

Anyways, Mulder feels confident that he and Scully can begin working immediately. As if on cue, she walks in and she looks as though this is the last place she wants to be. A.D. Maslin, Wendie Malick, who played Nina on Just Shoot Me!, is having some trouble with Mulder’s “pie-in-the-sky” report about colonization and then she calls his account “omnibus.” Know what became really omnibus? The mytharc. Mulder says that he can back his report up. Then Random A.D. #1 says that Mulder’s “renowned arrogance” is still intact and he’s shocked that Mulder expects them to believe all this crap about an alien spaceship. Scully looks uncomfortable. Mulder then tells them that the ship melted the ice, and then rose up out of it. Random A.D. #1 tells Mulder this this report is “essentially unintelligible.” Like the Season 9 mytharc. Mulder wants them to focus on his and Scully’s resulting medical conditions. Random A.D. #2 asks Mulder if the aliens he saw were similar to the aliens in Men in Black. Mulder hasn’t seen it. Random A.D. #2 says that it was “a damn good movie.” I bet he has a Will Smith poster above his bed. Mulder agrees that his report sounds like science fiction, but they have facts to prove it. Now Scully looks really uncomfortable.

A.D. Maslin wants to get this straight, because she’s a little confused by all this. Well, welcome to the life of an X-Phile. “The plot is for these spacelings to take over the planet aided by a group of men here on earth?” Then Mulder says that it’s a conspiracy in the government and then Skinner looks constipated. “Who are growing corn in the middle of the desert which features pollen which was genetically altered to hold a virus which will be taken away by bees whose sting transmits the virus, causing the growth of an extraterrestrial biological entity inside the human host?” Mulder says that he and Scully will prove it now that the X-Files are reopened. You’re going to prove it, huh? Except you never do because 1013 completely threw this whole section of mytharc out the window.

Then Random A.D. #1 says something like Mulder’s presumptuousness is greater that the actuality of working on the X-Files. Mulder doesn’t understand and Random A.D. #1 tells him that he’s justifying their placement on the X-Files with a “rattletrap” story about adventures in Antarctica. Random A.D. #2 then grumbles about travel expenses. Mulder shoots him the stank-eye. He’s not down with auditing, yo. A.D. Maslin says that the FBI isn’t a school for science or a place to grind personal axes, and she hopes that Mulder and Scully can provide some hard evidence. Mulder then gets on his high horse and proclaims that “Agent Scully was assigned to the X-Files as a scientist, was stung by one of these bees and was infected with this virus. She is here today with hard and incontrovertible evidence… Scientific proof that the virus she was infected with is, in fact, extraterrestrial.” Mulder looks at Scully, who is probably wishing that the earth would open up and swallow her. She’s speechless and Mulder is stunned that she’s not backing him up.

FBI Hallway. Mulder is fucking pissed. “Next time, I’ll wear a clown suit and do balloon tricks.” Special Agent Dana “I’ve Seen Things I Cannot Deny, Except Right Now I Am” Scully says that she hoped it wouldn’t come up. What wouldn’t come up? What happened in Antarctica? Her name? Mulder tells her that the only reason he was in that meeting was because she assured him there was a scientific explanation for what they saw. Scully, of course, didn’t actually see very much. Mulder has grown tired of her excuses and adamantly reminds her that she was there and was infected with the virus. Scully agrees that there is a scientific basis and she was infected with a virus, but the DNA in the virus isn’t extraterrestrial. Say it with me: Huh?

Mulder then tells her that he saw the aliens feeding on the innards of human bodies. Scully then gets pissy herself, anger dimples and all, saying that the virus destroys human cells but it creates nothing! Then Scully eases up a bit and tells Mulder that she doesn’t like having to tell him this (I somehow doubt that) and he can question her all he wants but he can’t question the science. Mulder says nothing and just walks away. Scully wonders when they’re just gonna cut the bullshit and get it on. Geez. What’s with these two? Mere weeks ago they were proclaiming eternal devotion in Mulder’s hallway. Well, kind of. In their own way. They at least re-forged their bond to each other and to their work. At the end of the movie, Scully was so firm with OPR when she handed them the dead bee. And now she’s completely backing down. What? Is? Going? On? No wonder Mulder’s pissed.

NYC. The Syndicate is consorting in their conference room. CSM is showing the other Elders the pictures of Sandy ‘s corpse. CSM tells them that he trumped up some story of a crazy Native American man on the loose. He then explains that Sandy was working for them and must’ve accidentally injected himself with the virus. And then it took only 12 hrs to gestate. Know why? Because of the heat, nimrods! Don’t they know this? Isn’t that why they were sending all those bodies down to Antarctica? To slow the process down? CSM tells them that the alien killed The Jerk and now it’s on the loose. The other elders freak out and they want CSM to find it and kill it. Yo, where’s Strughold? I miss his lisp. Oh, and WMM. Why’d they have to kill him off?

FBI Lab. Mulder’s working on his burned up X-Files. Skinner comes in and tells him that his and Scully’s assignment on the X-Files has been denied. Mulder is angry and demands to know how it can be denied and who’s arguing their case. I know who! CSM. He’s obviously behind all this. Keeping Mulder and Scully off the X-Files and replacing them with his lackeys. Skinner wants to know when Mulder’s gonna get it through his head that he can never bring the conspiracy to justice. Mulder wants to know if there was a vote and Skinner tells him that it was unanimous against. Oh, no! Not you too, Skinman. Mulder shuts down his computer, grabs his box and goes to leave. Skinner stands in his way. He wants to help, but Mulder doesn’t think there’s anything he can do. Skinner wants him to prove his theory about the virus. Mulder says that he ain’t got proof. Skinner then tells him of a file on his old desk in the basement.

Basement Office That Was Once Lush, But Now Has A Fowl Stench. Mulder enters the office and we see that it’s no longer looking crispy fried. But it looks weirdly empty. There’s a desk, but there’s really nothing on the walls. And no more pencils in the ceiling. Sad. So Mulder picks up a file on the desk, and we see the picture of Sandy’s corpse. While Mulder’s looking at it, Special Agent Jeffrey “Daddy Issues” Spender walks in. He asks Mulder if that file is for him. Mulder gets all territorial and cracks that Spender’s doing his filing. Mulder wants to know why Spender is in his office. Spender’s like, “I think you got your wires crossed there, Agent Moooooooouuuuuuulder.” Wait, that’s Doggett. Sorry. But Spender does tell Mulder of the “miscommunication” and that someone didn’t inform Mulder what’s what. He gets pissy and basically says that if Spender’s taking over it’s a “failure of simple judgment” and he’s not going to let some “brown-noser” waltz in and take over his life’s work. Spender tells him that he doesn’t give a shit about the paranormal “mumbo jumbo” and he’s not the one taking Mulder’s place. I guess he’s taking Scully’s place. And then in walks Diana “The Stench That Is” Fowley. She calls him “Fox.” He gestures towards her and says “Diana, back on your feet.” I’d like to knock her off her feet. Mulder then grabs his box, and says “I guess that’s the only way you could stab me in the back,” as he walks out. Yes, Mulder! She’s betrayed you. It’s nice to see you’ve realized this. As Diana and Spender head to the back of the office, or “Scully’s area,” the camera pans the desk and we see that the file is gone.

Secret Government Medical Facility. CSM is outside an operating room, smoking a death stick and completely ignoring the “No Smoking” sign. He walks in and we see Project Doctors operating on somebody’s head. CSM wants the patient put back together and dressed because they’re taking a trip. The doctor thinks he’s crazy and says the boy could die. “Let me put it to you simply: it’s him or it’s us.” CSM leaves and we see that doctors are working on the brain of Gibson Praise. He’s awake. And he’s bald. What have they done to Gibson? Aww.

Sidebar: Where are Gibson’s parents? He gets shot at in Vancouver, then he’s living in a hotel being watched over by the FBI and then CSM kidnaps him. Was it ever explained or even asked if the kid had parents? Or am I having a brain fart? (Ed. Note: No, I think Chris Carter had a brain fart. You’re fine. — Starbucket)

Phoenix, Arizona. Mulder and Scully have arrived at Sandy ‘s house. Mulder cuts through the “Crime Scene” tape across the front door and walks in the house. Scully lingers in the doorway. “Mulder, I just want to remind you that by not informing local PD we are in technical violation of state laws prohibiting contamination of a crime scene.” Mulder’s not paying attention to her. “Why do I bother?” she mutters. How many times a a day do you think she asks herself that question?

Scully closes the door and examines the scratched and bloody doorknob. Mulder calls Scully to come and take a look at something. She walks into the hall and sees deep scratch marks in the wall, about 2-3 feet long. Mulder says the investigator reported that they’re from an attack “by a Native American man on a scientist” and that he used his bare hands. Scully’s like, “That’s bullshit.” Mulder removes a dark object from one of the scratch marks and holds it up in the light. “Aw. Somebody broke a nail.” Mulder places it in Scully’s hand. “Is it animal?” she asks. “Mineral? Vegetable?”

Mulder makes a lame Ru Paul crack and then summarizes the attack for Scully: basically what we saw in the teaser. She guesses that the attacker never left the house. Mulder retorts, “There wasn’t an attack. I think it was celebrating its birthday. The first victim must have gotten infected with the virus somehow. Right here on the sofa was where the creature was born.” Scully shoots Mulder a warning, trying to reign him in. But he keeps going, “That would account for the violence done to the man’s torso. The virus producing an extraterrestrial biological entity that ripped away his chest as it birthed itself right here.” Then he shows Scully the picture of Sandy’s corpse. Gross. How many times do we need to see it? Seriously. Scully comments on the unbelievably fast gestation time and then putting science aside, asks Mulder, “you’re saying this was done by something newborn?” That’s exactly what Mulder’s saying.

Outside the house, CSM pulls up and he’s got Gibson with him. Gibson’s head is bandaged but he’s bleeding through. He tells CSM that the alien was at the house, but now it’s gone. The driver wants to go inside and take a look. Gibson then looks nervous and emphatically tells CSM that it’s not there. He knows Mulder and Scully are in the house. Aww, he’s protecting them. Go, Gibson. Wait, so he must know that CSM has some kind of evil intentions towards them. Does that make sense? He then says that CSM is afraid of him. CSM denies it. Where can you get with lying to someone who can read your mind? Not far.

“You think I can destroy you for what I know, because of what I am. You’re thinking you could’ve destroyed me, too and if I don’t find this creature, you will. And this lady you’re using to manipulate Mulder cooked you blueberry pancakes this morning, with bacon and home fries. And after breakfast, you read Cracked magazine while you took your morning dump.” CSM tells the driver that Gibson will find the alien.

Right before they drive off, Mulder and Scully are in mid-fight. “I don’t see there’s any argument here. You admit yourself that the crime report is a lie,” he bitches. Scully looks exasperated. “Mulder, that doesn’t mean that I can just accept your theory.” Just as CSM drives off, Mulder and Scully walk out of the house. “What does it take? For this thing to come up and bite you on the ass?” he snits. “I saw these creatures. I saw them burst to life. You would’ve seen them, too but you were infected with that virus. You were passed out over my shoulder.”

Scully looks at him imploringly. “Mulder, I know what you did. I know what happened to me but without ignoring the science, I can’t… Listen, Mulder …” She grabs his hand. “You told me that my science kept you honest. That it made you question your assumptions. That by it, I’d made you a whole person. If I change now… It wouldn’t be right… or honest.” Is it just me, or is having Scully recap the hallway scene really irritating? But when she grabs his hand and reminds him of it, he does momentarily look like he might kiss her. Or he’s at least thinking about it, or remembering that they almost did. Maybe. He’s got a moony look on his face, at least briefly.

“I’m talking about extraterrestrial life alive on this planet in our lifetime. Forces that dwarf and precede all human history. I’m sorry, Scully, but this time your science is wrong.” And then he just walks away from her. What is wrong when the people annoying me the most in an episode are Mulder and Scully? This is not the FTF Mulder and Scully. What is going on with them? First, Scully is wrong. At this moment, her science isn’t proving anything but that doesn’t mean she can just deny what’s clearly in her face: aliens. Second, Scully’s science is what Mulder said keeps him honest, but not much time goes by before he completely throws it out the window. Argh! This fucking show!

Rolling Hills Nuclear Plant, 60 Miles East of Phoenix . I’m just gonna skim through this because this recap is getting LONG. So, Homer Simpson the engineer is sleeping and then he wakes up, goes to check on a systems malfunction in the plant and then the alien grabs his face. OK, how did an alien end up going 60 miles from Sandy’s house without being noticed? How did it get through security at the plant? And then even after Homer is murdered, it still hangs around? I’m getting a headache.

Outside the plant cops, fire trucks, etc are all over the place. Mulder and Scully drive up in their red Sensible Rental Car (she was driving!) and try to get in, but are blocked by Spender. He tells them that they are not authorized to be there. Scully tells him that they got a call about a murder. “Who called you? A.D. Skinner?” Mulder and Scully don’t answer, so you know it was him. Spender then bitches about how Mulder has no right to be there and he’s going to have Mulder censured, as well as Skinner. Diana “Smells Really” Fowley walks up and Mulder demands that she let him and Scully in. Diana says that the plant has been closed by the NRC. Mulder tells her someone was murdered. Diana says that it was just an accident caused by a systems malfunction. Mulder wants to know why she’s there then. Diana tells him that she and Spender got a call about a possible connection to other deaths, from a file that was stolen from their office. “That’s my office, bitch.” Mulder doesn’t really say that. But you know he was thinking it. He tells her that there is a connection. Scully then grabs Mulder’s arm and tells him they should leave. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Diana. I hope you know whose errand you’re running.” Diana tells him she does.

OK! SIDEBAR!!!: Based on this conversation, it is obvious that Diana’s loyalties are compromised. Mulder recognizes this and you can see he feels betrayed. Since Mulder’s dedication to Scully was strengthened even more just recently in the damn movie, his judgment concerning Diana shouldn’t be clouded at all. Which makes Mulder’s actions for the rest of this episode, and not to mention the debacle that is “Two Fathers/One Son,” completely nonsensical.

Anyways, Mulder lets Scully lead him back to the car. You know he loves it when she grabs him. When they get to the car, Mulder glances into the back seat and tells Scully to give him the keys. Scully looks into the back seat, then gets in next to Gibson. He’s lying down and she places his head in her lap. She tries to wake him, but he won’t respond.

Davy Crockett Motor Court. Whoops! Camelback View Motel. Gibson’s lying on the bed and Scully is removing his bandages. Mulder walks in the room and then sits on the bed next to Gibson. Mulder and Scully check out his wounds, which are really gross. Gibson asks them if they really think he looks like Frankenstein. Scully looks down, and tells him that he was worked on by some really good doctors and they did a fine job with his stitches. How far can you get lying to someone who can read minds? “You think they were butchers.” Yeah, not far.

Mulder, who knows that it’s pointless to lie, affirms the butcher opinion. Scully is in Mommy Mode, and gently tells Gibson that the doctors should’ve changed his bandages, that he’s got some swelling and infection. She asks Gibson why this happened. “‘Cause I can read people’s minds.” Mulder asks Gibson how he got in their Sensible Rental Car. “When they weren’t looking, I snuck away. It’s easy when you know what they’re thinking.” Mulder wants to know why Gibson’s in Arizona. “They were using me ’cause I can communicate with it.” Scully’s like, “What’s ‘it’?” Gibson calls her out on her denial, saying “You already know. You just don’t want to believe it.” Mulder and Scully share one of their Fortuitous Glances, and he gestures her over to the other side of the room.

Mulder wants to use Gibson as an Alien Detector and Scully wants to protect him, saying that he belongs in the hospital and that he needs to be cared for. Scully says that she’s acting in Mulder’s best interest and they have to make sure that nothing happens to Gibson. Yeah, because that worked out so well before. She says that Gibson is their scientific evidence, the key to everything in the X-Files. Mulder whines that they don’t have the X-Files anymore. Scully tells him that maybe Gibson can confirm everything he’s been saying that he might be their “last, best chance”. They look over at Gibson, who’s falling asleep.

Later, Mulder carries Gibson out to the car and Scully’s in the driver seat. She’s getting a lot of driving in this episode. Just as Mulder puts Gibson in the back seat, a car pulls up with its high beams on. Oh, man. It’s Diana “Unlike Scully, I Believe You, Mulder!” Fowley. She tells him that she’s getting out of the car. “I’m alone, all right?” As in, Spender’s not with her. Mulder shuts the car door and walks over to Diana’s car. “Diana, what are you doing here?” Mulder’s in no mood, ya’ll. This is the tone he should’ve kept with her for the rest of the season. Hell, the rest of this episode.

Diana tells him that she had to put up a front earlier, that she was only offered the assignment and she took a chance to take it. Yeah, CSM offered it. “I’m listening.” No! Mulder, don’t listen to her! Diana tells him that she’s only serving his best interests because she believes in the work. Then she reminds him that it was she who discovered the X-Files with him. That is such bullshit. You know even that act alone was probably a manipulation. Diana joins the FBI in 1991, just happens to come across the X-Files and shows Mulder. Then she skips town. I bet her getting together with Mulder when he was in the Academy was planned. She’s probably been working for CSM all along.

Anyways, Mulder ain’t exactly buying this line and wants to know who sent her. She says that she’s here on her own. “Why? To convince me of your noble intentions?” he sarcasms. She then tells him about the alien in the plant and they have to go find it before “they” destroy it. “You need proof, Fox. You’re so close. Why can’t you see that?” I seriously want to puke. Mulder goes back to the car and Scully wants to know what’s up. He tells her to take Gibson. And that he’s going to find the alien. Mulder then goes back to Diana’s car. Scully wonders where “that woman” is taking her boyfriend.

OK, he’s ditching Scully for Diana? What? Ooh! I think I’m getting this. So, CSM has stationed Diana in a position to make Mulder think he has an ally against Spender. But really, she’s just there to manipulate Mulder and to keep him controlled. Forcing a wedge between Mulder and Scully is obviously one of CSM’s intentions. Mulder’s decision to leave Scully and go off with Diana is proof that CSM’s plan is working. But Mulder’s actions make no sense. He has to know she’s compromised, and yet he’ll just trust her blindly. Whatever.

Car With A Fowl Stench. Diana’s in mid-exposit of her explanation of how her and Spender came out to Arizona. She tells Mulder that they got a phone call and came out immediately. NRC got to the plant first and removed the body before her and Spender could see it. Mulder wants to know who removed the body. Diana doesn’t know and she couldn’t get a straight answer. NRC closed off blah “number four reactor” blee “problem” blah blee “heat transfer systems” blahbity blee blee. Mulder guesses that the alien needs heat so that’s why it’s at the nuclear plant. He comments on the abnormally fast gestation and guesses that heat activates it. Mulder then wonders why the alien still needs heat. Diana says that maybe it’s still developing. “You’re not under the impression what we’re looking for makes sense in any conventional way?” she asks. Nothing on this show makes sense in a conventional way. Mulder looks kind of surprised, and maybe a little pleased, to have someone agree with him. And I’d really like to fucking punch him. Hard.

Phoenix Samaritan Medical Center . Gibson’s being wheeled around on a gurney and Scully tells him that he’s going to be okay. Gibson accuses her of running more tests on him. Scully tells him that they’re going to make him well. Gibson continues to call her out, saying that she may say that she just wants to care for him but she’s just like the other doctors who run tests on him. Scully seems kind of sorry that they have to run more tests. “You want to make me well but you’re just thinking about yourself and what you can learn from me.” The orderlies place Gibson on a hospital bed. Scully tells Gibson that he’s a “very special boy.” Gibson isn’t very happy. “I’m a very special lab rat.” Scully looks guilty, as the orderlies close the curtain. OK, I do feel sorry for Gibson. He’s the victim here, and all people want to do is use him. But on the other hand, he was just in the possession of CSM and you’d think he’d be a little more grateful that he’s now with Scully. Kids these days!

Nuclear Plant Of Alien Slime. Mulder and Diana Fowley are running around, searching the area where Homer Simpson was killed. Diana says that she thinks the body was found around here. Mulder comments on the hot room temperature. Diana blah blahs about how they’re near the broken heat transfer system. Mulder steps in a puddle of alien goop. Diana says that it looks organic. And Mulder fingers the goop and cracks that “somebody’s got the flu.” But this time he doesn’t betray his manly exterior by freaking out over the slime. Which I would’ve done. That is, if I had a manly exterior.

So they follow the goop into some pipes, Mulder sees some goopy stuff and just reaches on in there. He grabs something squishy and then jerks back. Does Mulder have selective amnesia? Why would he use his bare hands to grab something he knows is dangerous? Mulder then reaches back in and grabs a huge piece of alien gooey skin. Gross. Mulder drops it on the floor. Um, Mulder? Now’s the time to break off a piece of that and shove it in your pocket so Scully can examine it later. But hey, we’ve already established that your actions in this episode make no sense. So just go ahead and leave it on the floor.

Mulder’s cell phone rings, and it scares him and Diana. Heh. That’s right! They better be scared! It’s Scully calling to check up on her boyfriend. “Mulder, I found something. I found something you’re not going to believe.” He dittos. “We did blood tests on Gibson and, Mulder, there’s evidence of the virus in his system.” He asks about the virus Scully was infected with. Scully is positive that they’re one in the same. He wants to know what that means. “I don’t know, but I think we’re on to something. We’re on to something huge — a link.” Mulder, apparently a poker player, calls that bet and raises her. She wants to know what he means. Mulder just tells her to take care of Gibson. Famous last words. Then Mulder hangs up before Scully can ask him anything about Diana.

Phoenix Hospital of Piss-Poor Security And Neglectful FBI Agents. Scully, who was wandering around the hospital instead of staying right next to Gibson’s room, walks into said room and guess what? He’s gone. That’s a shocker. Scully starts yelling at the staff, because it was clearly their fault. “There was a little boy in that room and he’s gone. Does anybody know what happened to that little boy? His name is Gibson Praise. He was just in that room. Does anybody know what the hell is going on?!” Then one of the orderlies, or maybe he’s a doctor, tells Scully to calm down.

Hey! It’s Benito Martinez. He plays Captain David on The Shield. He’s pretty cute. So Scully tells Captain David the “little boy that [she] brought in is missing.” Captain David says that he can’t be missing. Scully brings out her anger dimples again. “He’s not here!” Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you decided to go for a fucking walk. You sure did ensure his safety, didn’t you? I mean, every time they have something of utmost importance that they can’t lose, it disappears. How is she not surprised? Anyways, CSM’s driver has stolen an ambulance and Gibson’s lying on a gurney in the back.

Nuclear Plant Of Alien Attacks, Special Connections, And Blatantly Obvious Betrayals. Mulder and Diana are still looking around when they see CSM’s driver and Gibson up on some walkway inside the plant. Mulder and Diana go to follow them. Gibson and CSM’s driver enter one of the rooms with pipes coming out of a heated water tank. Gibson tells him that the alien is in the room somewhere. Mulder then comes down the stairs and the door is locked. He starts yelling at CSM’s “son of a bitch” driver to open the door. Diana tells “Fox” that she’s going to go try and find another way in. Sure she is. Mulder continues to pound on the door when Gibson and the driver see the alien in the corner. “I told you it was here.” The alien leaps out and attacks the driver, smearing blood all over the small glass window in the door. Mulder freaks and starts yelling for Gibson. The alien and Gibson are looking at one another. They’re probably communicating telepathically.

Gibson: I won’t hurt you. My name is Gibson.

Alien: What’s happenin’ Gibson? My name is A-Dawg. Did you ever see Men in Black?

Gibson: No.

A-Dawg: It was a damn good movie. I need some help. I can’t find my family, yo.

Gibson: I can’t remember if I have a family.

A-Dawg: Who’s that outside bangin’ on the door?

Gibson: Nobody. He’ll go away soon. That chick he’s got with him is playing him for a fool.

A-Dawg: That ain’t right.

Gibson: Why are you in Arizona?

A-Dawg: There’s some primetime drugs down here, yo. I got some paper and some fine weed over there in the corner. Maybe later we can get some hookers and blow. You dig?

Gibson: Sure.

A-Dawg: Fo’shizzle.

Anyways, alarm bells are going off and then here comes a bunch of guards led by Diana, who pulls her gun on Mulder. He looks at her and then turns around to continue pounding on the door and yelling for Gibson. Mulder can’t see him because he’s off in the corner sparking up some doobies.

OPR Conference Room. Mulder and Scully have assumed the usual position. Diana “Chickadee From The Coop That Smells” Fowley is sitting in the back. We see that Skinner’s seat is empty. Uh oh! A.D. Maslin is handing down the punishment. “As I said and as I am forced to reiterate, Agent Mulder, the FBI is not here for vendettas or for the grinding of personal axes. Now, this holds not just for you but for everyone at the Bureau. You force us to put a point on this. To make some hard changes. You and Agent Scully will cease all material association with the X-Files. Refusal to do so will end in immediate dismissal. A probationary period will be set. You will now report to Assistant Director Kersh.” Scully gives Mulder a nervous look. The camera pans over to Kersh. Here marks the beginning of a long relationship with inappropriately over-emphasized words. Mulder and Scully are in for a real treat!

Basement Office That Was Once Lush But Now Reeks Of Cigarettes. CSM and Spender are having a nice get together. Except, Spender is pissed that his dad is there and apparently they had agreed to have no contact. CSM is there to congratulate Spender for how he “handled Mulder.” Spender was just doing as he was asked. CSM comments on how Mulder’s on thin ice now. Spender knows Mulder will be back and that he’ll never give up. “Well there are solutions, of course. Simple but extreme solutions. I’ve used these methods. They have their place. But not here.”

So, was CSM planning an “extreme solution” concerning Mulder? Because if he was, he never went through with it. Or did he? Spender asks CSM if he’s killed before. “You can kill a man but you can’t kill what he stands for… Not unless you first break his spirit. That’s a beautiful thing to see.” OK, so CSM is out to break Mulder’s spirit. He’s taking him away from his life’s work and he’s using Diana to drive a wedge in his relationship with Scully. I think this will tie in with “Two Fathers/One Son,” with CSM and Diana trying to get Mulder to give up and join their side. But what exactly was the “extreme solution”? Did 1013 decide to burn up the Syndicate just so they didn’t have to tie up these conspiracy storylines? Whatever.

FBI Lab of Pissy Partners. Mulder’s working on gluing back together the burned up X-Files. The door opens and Mulder makes the panic face, but then relaxes when he sees that it’s just Scully. He tells her to shut the door. “It would make it harder for them to see that I’m totally disregarding everything I was told.” Scully gives him an eyebrow. “Everything we were told, Mulder.”

Sidebar: I really, really hate that about Mulder. He’s always all, MY office, MY work, ME ME ME ME. When it’s THEIR office and THEIR work. Gah. I’m sorry, but sometimes I don’t understand why Scully puts up with his shit.

Anyways, Mulder tells Scully that they can’t take away the X-Files. “You know, Agent Fowley’s report to OPR painted the facts in an interesting way. I hope you haven’t been betrayed.” Yeah, right. I’d bet my life on the fact that Scully was really hoping Diana would betray him. Mulder refuses to look at Scully and says that Diana was just protecting the X-Files. Oh, my God. What the fuck is wrong with him?

“Mulder, Agent Fowley’s report states that the man you saw attacked was bludgeoned by an unknown subject. She makes no mention of a little boy who, as it happens, is nowhere to be found. It would seem that her report protects everything but you.” Mulder then defends Diana by saying that she put herself at great risk to help him (OMG! Something Scully would NEVER do!!!), and “[he] saw something that [Scully refuses] to believe in.” He says that Diana saw the alien too, even if she didn’t write it in her report and Diana’s not going to walk around saying she didn’t see it just because science can’t explain it.

For crying out loud. Except she totally did deny it by not putting it in her report! OK, he’s really pissing me off. The Mulder in Fight the Future would never have treated Diana’s betrayal like this. And why is he treating Scully so aggressively? And why does Mulder always forget how important Scully is to him whenever Diana makes an appearance? I mean, it’s like he’s tossing Scully out the window, someone who kept him honest and made him a whole person, in exchange for Diana’s supposed unquestioning belief in the paranormal.

“I don’t doubt what you saw, Mulder. I don’t doubt you. I’m willing to believe, but not in a lie and not in the opposite of what I can prove. It comes down to a matter of trust.” He finally looks at her. “I guess it always has,” she says. He asks her if she wants him to make a choice. She shouldn’t have to ask him that! There shouldn’t even be a choice to make! God, he’s an asshole.

“I’m asking you to trust my judgment. To trust me.” She hands Mulder a folder. “I can’t accept that,” he says. “Not if it refutes what I know to be true.” See what I mean? If I were Scully, I’d smack him upside the head. But we are very different people. Scully tells Mulder that the folder contains test results that match the DNA in the virus to the DNA in the claw they found in Sandy’s wall, which matches DNA found in Gibson. Mulder is looking through the folder and you can tell he thinks they’re on the verge of a breakthrough.

“You’re saying that Gibson Praise is infected with the virus?” Mulder asked. Scully tells him that it’s a part of his DNA, and all humans’ DNA. “It’s inactive junk DNA. Except in Gibson it’s turned on.” He looks at her, and says “So if that were true, that would mean that Gibson is in some part extraterrestrial.” Scully does her patented breathy answer: “It would mean that all of us are.” Didn’t she say at the start of the episode that the DNA in the virus isn’t extraterrestrial? So, now she’s saying that it might be? Or that since humans contain the DNA, what is terrestrial is actually extraterrestrial? That whole We All Came From The Aliens thing that gets discussed in later episodes? Or am I just confused? You be the judge.

Nuclear Plant Of A Terrestrial Boy Who Has Extraterrestrial DNA And Can Communicate With An Actual Extraterrestrial Although It’s Never Fully Explained How. Apparently the party’s over because Gibson’s sitting on the floor and A-Dawg is taking a bath in the water tank. And inside the tank, is the fakest looking alien costume I’ve ever seen. Oh hey, he’s having a skin bath. Thankfully it’s not as gross as the Skin Shower. So his skin’s falling off and then we see he’s actually a grey. So, did A-Dawg end up dropping Gibson off at the School for the Deaf? I mean, Gibson got out of the plant somehow and ended up at school by the Season 8 premiere. Will we ever know the answer? Will this show ever make sense in a conventional way? Will Diana ever buy the farm? Wait… yeah, she does die later. And nobody is really going to care. Not even Mulder.

Recap by Bolissa