5×10 – CHINGA
by foxestacado
Recap written by jennisaurusrex
Daylight. A car with a Maine license plate with a little girl sitting inside, clutching her doll, looking a little angry. Dude, I know it’s way early for an aside and all, but can I just say that when I was younger, I used to hate being left in the car while my mom went in the store? It terrified me. I would lock all the doors and pop Madonna’s “Immaculate Collection” into the tape deck and sing as loud as I could until she came back. I learned all the words to “La Isla Bonita” this way– let that be a lesson. A lesson of what, I’m unsure. Anyhow, the little girl’s mother (I can only assume) comes around to the passenger door and opens it, kneeling down to tell the little girl– whose name we find out is Polly– that they’re just “going in for a few things”. At the frame I’ve frozen the episode on while I write this, Polly looks like a demon child. Coincidence, I’m sure. Or is it? Mommy placates Polly by explaining that she needs some groceries. She also refers to herself as “Mommy”, which skeeves me. Polly doesn’t look really impressed with this plan, in any case. Mommy unbuckles Polly’s seat belt and leads her by the hand, doll in tow, towards the store with a really worried look on her face. The people coming out of the store stare at them, including one lady in particular, whose eyeglasses are a “2″ and an “8″ away from being a New Year’s novelty item. Polly looks back at her as they pass.
Polly and Mommy shuffle into the store and Mommy wheels a shopping cart rather hastily down what seems to be the baking aisle. Mm, cupcakes. They pass the meat counter, where the man behind the counter gives them a weird look and Polly whines, “I don’t like this store, Mommy”. Mommy explains that they’ll only be a minute, but Polly wants to go home. Right on, Polly. How many times have I heard that “only be a minute” schtick before? Next thing you know, it’s an hour later and you’re sitting under a pile of canned goods with a numb crotch from a gallon of milk in your lap. Polly’s doll must not like that store very much either, because its eyes pop open and it says “Let’s have fun!” in that weird, pull-my-string doll way. Mommy looks panicked, especially when she sees what looks like a window cling version of the meat man inside the freezer with a knife through his eye, begging for help. She quickens her pace and tells Polly that they’re going home, and she begs her not to do this. Fair enough request, but then stuff starts falling off the shelves and a woman starts slapping herself across the face before she digs her own eyes out. Man, that is fun, Doll de Polly. How’d you guess?!?
Soon everyone in the store is going apeshit and digging their eyes out while Mommy carries Polly quickly, trying to get her out of the store. The meat man comes out of the back and sees everyone stumbling around, kicking themselves, clawing their eyes out ( i.e. “having fun”), and calls for help. The meat man’s name is Dave, by the way. You won’t need to know that in the future or anything, but I thought I’d mention it. Dave’s in the middle of his call when he turns around to look at the closed door of the meat freezer and hears a weird voice, which is saying “I want to play!”….Wait, did I miss something, Doll de Polly? You already ARE playing! Didn’t you see the eyes being ripped out all over the grocery store? Anyhoo, Dave the Meat Man pulls out his knife and holds it out like he’s ready for war. Then suddenly, he turns the knife back on himself and moves it towards his eye. With his other arm, he struggles to pull the knife away from his face, but to no avail. Dude, aside #2– imagine playing that part of struggling against yourself so that you don’t stab yourself in the eye? Dave’s so earnest, he’s breathing heavy, he’s shaking, the whole nine. Eventually though, Dave beats Dave, and takes out his own eye.
Credits. Man, I really like that weird little fission ball thingy. I remember when they sold them at Spencer Gifts and my friends and I would spend forever in the store, running our hands over them. The truth is out there, by the way. Just in case you forgot.
Mark Snow’s Quartet plays the Where This Song Plays, Misfortune Follows Suite. We’re in a quaint little seaside town– shops along the avenue, seagulls swooping down and making their little seagull noises. Someone’s driving a fancy car with the top down. Is that– no, it can’t– but it looks– oh shit, it’s Scully! She pulls into a gas station and gets out to fill up her tank. Well, she ain’t in Jersey, that’s for sure. It’s illegal to pump your own in New Jersey, did you know that? Having grown up there, I can tell you that full service is our one luxury. Besides, of course, Bruce Springsteen. Scully’s decked out in a little Maine t-shirt and her sunnies. In other words, “Standin’ tall, lookin’ good, oughta be in Hollywood”, as my old Spanish teacher, Senor McCoy, used to say. ‘Cept Gillian Anderson is already in Hollywood. So either that saying doesn’t apply here, or it’s just really, painfully obvious.
Ahem. Scully’s phone’s ringing. Answer it, Scully. You know you wanna. ‘Specially cos you know it could only be one person– that with which you cannot be lived without which with. Or something. Scully’s looking all over for her phone before finally finding it in her trunk. Um, Dana? Bit of advice? Don’t leave your cell phone in the trunk. Even when you’re on vacation. Apparently she hasn’t gotten the memo that where she goes, misfortune surely follows, and it’s good to have that without which…oh, you get the point. She needs Mulder in immediate calling distance. Indeed the mystery caller is Mulder, and Scully reminds him that they both agreed to take the weekend off. Mulder knows, but he’s got a case! A “classic X-Files” case, in fact. Scully’s not impressed, and gives an eyebrow so high it peeks over her sunglasses. “Mulder,” she begins, “I’m on vacation. The weather is clear, I’m looking forward to hitting the road and breathing in some of this fine New England air.” Okay, is this line awkward to anyone else? It just seems…strangely written. Mulder doesn’t notice, anyway, and comes back with, “You didn’t rent a convertible, did you?” which piques Scully’s interest. He reminds her of decapitation statistics (always the uplifter, that Mulder!), which puts the cork in the conversation. “Mulder, I’m hanging up”, Scully sighs, obviously annoyed. “I’m turning off my cell phone. I’m back in the office on Monday.” Mulder tries to stall and starts babbling about talking and driving at the same time, but Scully just hangs up. She pushes the antenna down on her cell phone and while annoyed, also looks a little amused.
Scully’s back in her car, driving around a parking lot when a car squeals wheels to back out right in her path. Rut roh– it’s Mommy and Polly, and they sure seem to be in a hurry. Scully gives her a Major Brow and looks really pissed off. Then she glances in her rearview mirror and sees a dude with bloody eyes stumbling out of the grocery store and Mommy and Polly (and her little doll, too) had been in. Scully, being..well, Scully, she jumps out of her car, throws on a blazer, rips off her sunglasses, and starts sauntering towards the bloody-eyed dude. “Sir?” she asks, brows in Worried Formation. “Sir, what happened?” Bloody-eyed dude just replies that he thinks they need a doctor. Scully walks into the store and sees everyone else with their bloody eyes and looks kinda…grossed out? Nonplussed? Hot? Yeah, hot is definitely it. All of the bloody-eyed people are crying and presumably trying to figure out why they tried to gouge their own eyes out. She walks around, surveying the scene, until a man comes up to her (yes, his eyes are bloody as well) and asks who she is. “I’m….my name’s Scully,” she finally gets out. “I’m an FBI agent”. She looks kind of grossed out just looking at him, and I can’t blame her. She asks him what’s happened to him, but he doesn’t know, but he does think Dave the Butcher is dead. Scully kinda nods a little and then moves past him, in search of Dead Dave, while the man who she was speaking with just looks on. Pun intended, by the way, since he has no eyes left with which to look. Back at the ranch ( i.e. in the meat cooler), Scully happens upon Dave (okay, maybe you did need to know his name) who’s lying dead on the floor with a knife through his eye. Scully stares at him, horrified, mouth agape.
LBO. Mulder’s cracking sunflower seeds and watching…porn? In his office? Damn, I want his job. Except, yknow, minus the abductions and mysterious brain diseases and the constant drama with my baby mama (Or is she?). Not to mention the murder charge and the IsHeMySonOrIsHeAnAlienOrIsHeBoth?-ItDoesntMatterCosSheGaveHimAwayWhileIWasOnTheLam saga. And the…oh, forget it, you know what I mean. I want to be able to watch porn in my office, okay? Is that so much to ask? Anyhow, Mulder’s phone rings. “Mulder, it’s me,” comes the familiar voice. It’d be kinda funny if one day Mulder said, “Me who?” like he didn’t remember her and she got all freaked out. She’s kinda gullible to Mulder’s pretending he’s nuts, isn’t she? Remember in DeadAlive when he woke up in the hospital and was all, “Who are you?” and she looked like she was about to go off the deep end? Or when he was in jail and started doing the scene out of Silence of the Lambs and she was all horrified? I mean, c’mon Sculls. I know your man’s skirting the edges of sanity, but get a hold of yourself! (Insert dramatic slap here)
Anyhow. “I thought you were on vacation?” Mulder teases. “I am, I’m up in Maine,” Scully explains, not very convincingly. Mulder thought she didn’t want to be disturbed, that she just wanted to get out of her head for a few days? “I don’t. I mean I do,” she says, a little uncomfortably. Then she changes the subject by asking him what he’s watching, seemingly a little suspicious of all the moaning and groaning going on. “It’s the World’s Deadliest Swarms,” he deadpans, and then clicks off the TV. He thought she was going to be unreachable, he says, and asks her what’s going on. Mark Snow’s Piano quietly tinkles the I’ve Got The Going On Vacation Without My Man Which Always Turns Out To Be A Disaster blues while Scully explains that she’s at a market, trying to give the local PD a handle on a case in which people are acting out in a violent, involuntary way. While she tells him this, she’s watching the camera capture of the extras sort of throwing themselves all over the place. Mulder wants to know who they’re acting out against. By the way, they show his TV for a second? Totally “World’s Deadliest Swarms”. Man, whatever. I still want to watch porn at the office.
Scully explains that the people are acting out towards themselves, “beating at their faces, clawing at their eyes”, and she explains the sad fate that met our good friend Dave the Butcher. “Huh,” muses Mulder. “It sounds to me like it’s witchcraft, or some sorcery that you’re looking for there.” But Scully’s all over it. She says it’s neither cos she’s had a look around and there’s nothing that warrants that type of suspicion, but Mulder poses that maybe she doesn’t know what she’s looking for. Uh, listen up, Spooky. She’s spent the past five years with the likes of you. She KNOWS what she’s looking for. Then Scully does her thang: “Like evidence of conjury or the black arts, shamanism, divination, wicca, or any kind of pagan or neo-pagan practice? Charms, cards, familiars, bloodstones, hex signs, or any of the ritual tableau associated with the occult, Santeria, Voudoun, Macumba, or any high or low magic?”
Here, Mulder cuts her off. “Scully?” he says. “Yes?” she asks, probably thinking he’ll be able to tell her what in tarnation is going on here. “Marry me,” he says, the look on his face full of intrigue. Scully kinda nods a little bit incredulously and says, “I was hoping for something a little more helpful.” Well, Mulder, my good man, she didn’t say no! I’d say we’re looking at a strong maybe, which could probably be turned into a yes with the right amount of coaxing. Mulder says that, short of a little lady with a pointy hat riding a broomstick, Scully’s got it covered. Gee, thanks. “Thanks anyway,” Scully says before hanging up. Studying the tape some more, she sees…Polly and Mommy! She realises they’re looking a little shifty and asks one of the two officers who the woman is because she and her child are the only ones that don’t seem to be affected by what’s going on. Does she recognize Mommy as the one peeling wheels out of the parking lot? The officer tells her it’s Melissa Turner, but the officer who tells Scully Melissa’s name wants to know what her point is. “You might wanna talk to her,” Scully shrugs.
Scully then walks out of the room, and the other officer calls after her. “Ya stayin in town?” he asks. Scully explains that yes, she is, and she’s on vacation. Read the subtitles, sir: don’t bother her, okay? The officer (who we later find out is named Bonsaint, so let’s just cut to the chase here) tells her that what she said about Mommy “put a spin on this thing”. Scully shifts uncomfortably and wants to know what he means. He tells her that lots of people say that Melissa Turner is a witch, but Scully isn’t phased because it’s not really the first time something like that has happened in these parts. “Uh, yuh”, Bonsaint replies. Am I watching Green Acres or something? Seriously, why is this guy such a yokel? Anyhow, Scully lets Bonsaint know that she doesn’t believe in witchcraft, and neither does he, really. He used to think that people said that stuff about Melissa just cos she’s pretty and single, which equals threatening. Scully gives him the ole Eyebrow of You’re Boring Me But Go On and wonders if he’s no longer convinced that’s the case. Bonsaint says “y’know” about twenty times, basically amounting to him thanking her for her time and saying he hopes there’s a logical explanation, but that’s doubtful, considering who she’s been carrying on with. Who she’s been carrying on with? Scully asks. “Uh, yuh,” the yokel replies, adjusting the straps of his overalls and kicking at the bale of hay at his feet. Mommy’s been consorting with Dave the Dead Butcher!
Cut to the other officer on the phone, and Mommy picking it up at her house. We find out the other officer’s name is Buddy, and he apparently knows Mommy pretty well. He wants to know if Melissa is okay, Polly wants to know who Melissa’s on the phone with, and trouble is totally coming their way. Mommy and Polly are listening to an old record of “The Hokey Pokey”, and Buddy tells her to turn the music down, but Polly wants her to hang up altogether. Instead, she walks out of Polly’s room and down the stairs. Buddy knows that Mommy was at the supermarket today and there’s talk in the town that she might be involved in what happened there, which she denies. Buddy knows that, but he does want to help her as long as they keep it a secret. He also tells her that Dave’s dead, which she seems pretty upset about, and asks to see her right away, which she can’t do. Upstairs in Polly’s room, Doll de Polly opens its evil eyes and utters the phrase we’ve all been waiting for: “Let’s have fun!” Ooh, again so soon? You spoil me! Anyhow, Mommy’s outside walking through the rows of sheets on the clothesline and uh, ew? There’s a huge life-size doll shadow behind one of ‘em. This makes me think of the gag reels for this season, where the person playing the doll starts boxing with David Duchovny and everyone has a hearty laugh. You know the saying, though. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. That just happens to work on multiple levels for this episode. Oh, Buddy has also insisted on coming over, much to Mommy’s chagrin.
After the commercial, Mark Snow’s strings of If I’d Never Met Mulder, I Could Have A Normal Vacation Like Everyone Else play in the background while Scully and Bonsaint get out of the patrol car in front of Mommy’s house. Bonsaint knocks, but no one answers. Scully looks through the window and notices that the back door is wide open, so they go around the back. They let themselves into the house and head up to Polly’s room, where Scully notices the windows have been nailed shut, and rather shoddily at that. She comments that Mommy must have been afraid of something, but either way, there’s no sign of anyone in the house now. Bonsaint says that Mommy’s a well-known local who used to be married to a fisherman before he died in a boating accident last year. He doesn’t know if Polly ever understood because she had “toys in the attic”, which Scully immediately understands to mean she must have autism. Uhh, let me Google this here. So, all I’m getting is the name of an Aerosmith album and the name of a 1963 film with Dean Martin and Geraldine Page. Someone? Anyone? Okay, I’m moving on. Anyhow, Bonsaint tells Scully that last year at school, the worker slapped Polly across the face but the next thing anyone knew, the worker was the one on the floor, saying Polly beat the shit out of her. Everyone called Melissa a witch and gave Polly a hard time, so they took her out of school and she’d never been a day since. Interesting. Scully asks after Dead Dave but Bonsaint explains that he probably gave her the wrong impression– Mommy and Dave were never actually in a relationship, it was all one-sided (on Dave’s end). Scully wondered if it was so unrequited that Mommy would nail the windows shut, but Bonsaint dismisses that and instead suggests that maybe Mommy wasn’t afraid of something getting in, but afraid of something getting out. “Like what?” Scully asks, probably intrigued but also sounding a little bored. She’s probably thinking, “Dude, you know what? If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard weird shit like that, I’d have enough to send to my child’s father while he’s out on the lam so he could buy himself some of those sunflower seeds he loves so much.” Except, yknow, Scully’s not pregnant yet and Mulder’s still around and they probably haven’t even had sex yet– or have they? “Just a thought,” Bonsaint shrugs.
Officer Buddy’s taken Mommy and Polly out to some fast food joint and he’s bought Polly a sundae. “Whaddaya thinka that?” he asks her, setting it down. Polly doesn’t answer, just pulls the cherry from the top and clutches that evil doll of hers. Buddy touches her head, then goes to sit with Mommy, who looks pretty distraught. He suggests she leave town, but she doesn’t have anywhere to go. Then he goes into some long, boring confession of undying love and how he missed his chance first time around by waiting in the wings and how she needs someone who can provide, but she keeps telling him no, she can’t, etc. “Because you don’t want to, or because you’re too proud?” he asks. Dude, because her daughter has an evil doll that will kill your ass, that’s why. Seriously, lay off. Mommy tells him that he doesn’t understand, that what happened in the supermarket was out of her control. She saw Dave’s death before it happened but she couldn’t stop it, and that’s not the first time. She also saw her husband’s death before it happened, too. While this is going on, Polly’s up at the service counter giving the worker major ‘tude about wanting more cherries. The worker gives her ‘tude right back and tells her to ask Mommy for more money cos she can’t just give cherries away. Yes you can, lady, get a grip. It’s not like it’s gonna come out of your paycheck, and methinks if Polly asked you for cherries in oh, say, five minutes, you might change your tune. Polly gives her an evil look and Doll de Polly opens her eyes and declares her desire for fun once more. Just as a bit of foreshadowing, I should tell you that the worker has a very long ponytail, and she’s working in front of a machine that mixes milkshakes. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?
Polly turns around to tell her mom that she wants more cherries, and that sends up the red flags for Mommy, who tells her they have to go. She grabs the doll and her jacket and tries to collect Polly while the worker behind the counter fills a cup with vanilla milkshake. Man, it’s about to get painful. In the meantime, Buddy gives Mommy a key to some place he’s got out of town and tells her there’ll be trouble if she doesn’t use it. Polly’s yelling and Mark Snow’s strings of “Cancel My Shake, There’s Hair In That There Machine” vibrate in the background. Suddenly, the worker screams while her scalp is pretty much ripped out. Can’t say I didn’t warn you, lady. Buddy finally manages to shut off the machine while Mommy and Polly run out.
Bonsaint and Scully have gone to Jane’s house– Jane being the lady who stopped and gave the eye to Mommy and Polly in the parking lot of the grocery store on their way in. Jane wants to know who Bonsaint has brought with him, so Scully introduces herself, saying she’s just there on vacation and– “So?” Jane cuts her off. She wants to know if they’ve talked to Mommy. “That whore’s a witch as sure as I stand here,” she spits. “She’s descended from the Hawthornes in Salem and the Englishes too. She comes from a cursed lineage and now she’s passing it on to the wealth.” Aw, I miss William. Y’know, since we’re speaking about cursed lineage and all. Well, allegedly cursed lineage. Maybe. Whatever. Jane hopes the little girl can be saved from Mommy, cos she’s certainly tried before. This lady’s kinda nutso, cos she starts talking about how to drive demons out of people and giving witches what they deserve and all that jazz. Then she closes the door on their faces and Scully speaks another awkwardly written line: “New England hospitality. I’ve heard about it my whole life; I finally got a chance to experience it for myself.” Doesn’t it all seem a little…wordy? Strange? I dunno. Jane watches them walk back to the patrol car.
“Well, you see what I’m up against, public sentiment and all,” Bonsaint tells her. Scully wonders if there’s any truth to Mommy’s lineage, and suggests Bonsaint brings her in for questioning under the pretense that maybe she knows something. “About what?”, the yokel asks confusedly. Um, seriously? Have I been hitting the bong too hard or what? How can you not know what she’s referring to when you’ve been working on this case for the good majority of my poor Scully’s vacation time? “About what I’m sure is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this,” she tells him. Aw, vintage Scully! I wanna hug her and tell her that whatever starts happening three years from now, I still love her. “Uh, yuh” Bonsaint bleats. God save us all if this guy is running a town’s law enforcement precinct and is permitted to own a firearm. Scully wishes she can help him out but uh, she’s just, y’know, on vacation and stuff.
The crafty little Time/Date Stamp lets us know that we’re at the Schoodic Lake Ranger Station at 11:06p.m. A quick Google search lets me know that Lake Schoodic has very good water quality for the production of salmonids, as well as playing host to the annual Schoodic Lake Ice Fishing Derby! Sweet. A ranger walks out when a car containing Polly and Mommy pulls up, and he asks her where they’re headed. Mommy explains that they’ve been invited to a place by the lake, and the ranger wants to know if they’ve got gear, food and water, etc. He tells them that he just wants to make sure since winters are so rough up there and the power is iffy. Polly wants to go home, by the way, but Mommy tries to console her by telling her that they’re going to go camping. Polly doesn’t give a rip about that, though. She wants her bed and her records, and Doll de Polly must want the same thing because it opens its eyes and requests some more fun, sending Mommy into a panic. The ranger says he’ll just take her license number, but when Mommy looks to the rear window, she sees Jane gasping for help. Mommy flips her shit and throws a u-turn, speeding back the way she came and leaving the ranger confused as hell.
At Jane’s house, the Hokey Pokey is playing. A little late for a dance party, isn’t it? Jane comes out of her room and turns on the hall light, calling “Hello?” down the hallway. Bad idea, lady. The lights aren’t working and the record player is covered in plastic. Jane lifts the needle and then the demon voice speaks. “I want to play!” it exclaims, and when Jane turns around not seeing anything, the record begins to skip. “That’s what it’s all about, that’s what it’s all about,” it sings. Jane’s not afraid of it, whatever “it” is, and she picks up a broken half of a record to show it so. Of course it backfires when she too fights against herself and slices her own throat with it. So that’s what it’s all about? After Jane has sliced herself, the record miraculously stops skipping and goes on. I swing my shoulders back and forth and shake my arm in the air, pointer finger wagging. Oh, shut up. The doll’s not the only person who gets to have fun around here. And…scene.
A bubble bath with bare legs sticking out of it, classical music playing. It sounds like Tchaikovsky, but I can’t figure — wait a second here. I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! It’s Scully, eyes closed, relaxing in the tub. I feel a little uncomfortable, frankly. Probably because Scully’s usually scripted as so chaste that I thought her clothes were sewn into her skin. I start fiddling with the label of my Diet Coke bottle and noticing how I need to do laundry and stuff. She looks really gorgeous though, which feels a little weird to say, considering the situation. Anyhow, I uh…gotta go. The phone rings and Scully, eyes still closed, gives it a Major Brow. She takes her leg out of the water and, sighing, kicks the door to the bathroom closed. And I just saw Scully’s bare leg.
Out in the main part of Scully’s hotel room, the little CD player has switched to Chopin as we pan over what seems to be the leftovers of room service. Scully exits the bathroom, entirely in black, her hair wrapped in a towel. She notices that she has a phone message and I notice that Scully’s been reading “Affirmations For Women Who Do Too Much”. At least she realises she does too much, though I can’t imagine what an affirmation of such would be. “If even your vacation turns out to be work, be glad. For work is good.”? I dunno, that’s all I got. The general consensus is that work is good, right? Generally? In any case, I need the opposite of that book. “Affirmations for Women Who Do Jack Shit Besides Comment On Women Who Do Too Much”. Sculls turns the music down, dries her hair a bit, and opens the curtains to her hotel room to find…Bonsaint. Great. She gives him a wry little smile that says as much.
The coroner is out at Jane’s house, and guess who pulls up in the patrol car? Bonsaint and Scully. She looks less than thrilled to be out there, and reasonably so. They walk up to the house, and we see the sign for “Wee Lassies & Laddies Daycare”. Okay, a) Ahh, it all comes together. Polly had gone to Jane’s daycare. b) What a dumb ass name for a daycare. Bonsaint says that Jane’s death was self-inflicted, that she cut herself under the chin, opening the main artery. Officer Buddy’s there, and shows her “the thing” (stupid, stupid Bonsaint)– the bloody half of a record. While Scully looks at the body, Bonsaint’s phone rings, and he hands it to Scully, telling her it’s for her. “Hullo,” Scully answers deeply, probably wondering who the hell is calling her on this idiot’s phone. There’s a lot of banging on the other end of the line. “Good morning, sunshine!” he says enthusiastically. It’s Mulder; he was worried and wondered if she needed his help. He left her a message on her hotel room phone and wonders if she got it, but she makes excuses, saying she was “up and out” this morning. I’ll say. “Mulder, what’s that noise? Where are you?” she asks. Mulder says they’re doing construction out his window, he’s at home, and tells her to hold on a second. “Fellas!” he yells, “Can we just keep it down for a second, maybe?” We then see him in his apartment wearing a button down shirt and boxers, bouncing a basketball on his coffee table. He tosses the basketball aside and picks up the phone, telling her that he’s been thinking about the case, that maybe it’s not witchcraft but instead, something with a scientific explanation. Scully seems as shocked about this turning of tables as I am. He thinks it might be chorea– “dancing sickness”, which causes “unexplainable jerks and spasms”.
While he’s telling her all this, Mulder opens his fridge to find that all he has is a container of orange juice, which he drinks and immediately spits back out, seeing the expiration date of October ‘97. Damn, that orange juice went bad almost ten years ago exactly! Sigh. Anyhow, Scully points out that chorea hasn’t been diagnosed since the middle ages, to which Mulder snarks that Scully obviously isn’t a fan of American Bandstand. “Mulder?” she says. “Thanks for the help.” She hangs up the phone, leaving Mulder all by his poor, gorgeous, de-pantsed self. “That your partner?” Bonsaint asks. Scully tells him that it was, but when he asks if Mulder could possibly offer any insight into this, Scully quickly tells him it’s a negatory. Just then, the record player starts to play the Hokey Pokey. Officer Buddy looks panicked– he totally knows where he’s heard that one before. He turns off the record right away. “You know, Officer Bonsaint– Jack– can I call you Jack? I think maybe we need to explore other possibilities,” Scully says with a sigh. I never really got why Scully wanted to call this dude by his first name– it seems pretty unlike her. I mean, not “I had a vision in a Buddhist temple despite my Catholic upbringing”-unlike her, but just slightly strange. Bonsaint’s not sure he understands. Surprise surprise. Scully wants them to keep their minds open to “extreme possibilities”. I can totally see Mulder rolling over in his grave at that one. Pick whichever grave you choose, really, cos there are quite a few of them. “Okay, but aren’t you on vacation?” Bonsaint counters. Scully just kinda purses her lips and nods, looking away. Hope she brought her affirmation book with her.
Casa de Doll de Polly. And de Polly, and de Mommy. Shut up, Polly’s napping while listening to the Hokey Pokey and clutching that evil doll of hers. Mommy walks in the room and the record stops. She walks slowly over to the bed, probably to grab that evil thing and burn it, but it sees her first, opening its eyes and declaring, once more, that it’s time to have fun. Mommy backs away, gasping for breath. Aw, hell to the no. There’s no way I’d be going down by some possessed toy. The Hokey Pokey record starts over again on its own and Mommy runs downstairs to the kitchen, crying. She looks up in the window to see Officer Buddy, all bloody (Hey! A rhyme!) and begging for help. “No!” she shouts, panicked.
Meanwhile, Bonsaint and Scully are out to lunch. The waitress brings a lobster to the table that’s the size of Gillian Anderson’s body from the torso up. “Oh my god!” she says, staring at it. “That looks like something out of Jules Verne. We’re supposed to eat that?” Hee. Scully looks truly freaked out by this giant lobster and keeps her hands folded under the table, looking horrified while Bonsaint cracks off the tail and starts digging in. She doesn’t eat, but instead asks if there was anything weird about Mommy’s husband’s boating accident / death. Bonsaint said it was never quite explained how he managed to get a grappling hook clear through his skull, and cracks off another piece of lobster. Scully wonders if Mommy was questioned about this, but Bonsaint says that she wasn’t because no one saw how she could be involved. He also tells her that the boat it happened on was just outside the restaurant they were in. Scully looks out the window and notices a man on the boat, who happens to be the man she ran into at the supermarket that first day.
At Mommy’s, Polly is in her bedroom changing records and still holding onto the homicidal doll. “I want popcorn, Mommy!” she yells. Mommy says she’ll make it for her while Polly starts to listen to the Hokey Pokey. Again. Why was she changing the record since that’s the only one she listens to? Weird. Anyway, in the hallway, Mommy turns around to bump into Buddy, who wants to know why she’s back in town. The ranger told him that Mommy tried to kill him by running him over, and now Officer Buddy thinks she must have come back to kill Jane the Lover of Scottish Daycare Names, as well. Mommy insists that she didn’t kill anyone, that it isn’t her, but Buddy said they’d see about that when Mommy comes into the station with her “little brat”, staring at Polly. Dude, bad move. Seriously. And what happened to all the ice cream sundae-buyin’ and love declarin’? Polly holds the doll in her arm and Buddy sees its eyes open as it exclaims, “I want to play!” I then fall into the deepest sleep I’ve had all year, induced by sheer boredom.
Out on the boat where Polly’s father died, Scully is speaking with the man from the grocery store. She wants to know what happened, but he tells her that there are plenty of different stories for that. Scully wants to know HIS story though, since he was on board that night, but he tells her that he already told his story to the chief. I yawn and roll over to my side, pulling the blanket over my head, which means I miss the dude telling Scully that everyone blames Mommy for Daddy’s death. Apparently daddy really loved his daughter, and when they went out fishing on the eve of her birthday, they pulled up a nasty mildewed doll from the water and Daddy decided it’d be a good idea to give the doll to Polly rather than say, go to Wal-Mart and buy a new, non-evil one for $10. Three days after Daddy pulled the doll up, he was dead. “And you know what killed him?” Scully asks. The guy explains that they eyes play tricks on you in the dark, and then we flash back to the night of Daddy’s death, where the evil disembodied voice says the fateful “Let’s have fun” line. “What the hell was that?” Daddy says, looking around. StorytellingGuy is asleep inside and asks what was happening, before hearing the voice himself. Daddy goes outside with a net, and StorytellingGuy follows, finding Daddy dead. “Like I said, the eyes play tricks,” he tells Scully after all that. I bang my head against my bedroom wall a few times hoping to back out. “But you saw something, in the grocery store,” Scully insists. “That little girl and her dolly.” Uh, her “dolly”? Okay seriously, when is this episode over? “The moment I saw them,” says the StorytellingGuy.
Back on dry land, Scully’s cell phone rings. “Scully!” she yells. “Hey, I thought you weren’t answering your cell phone,” Mulder says, twirling the phone cord around, obviously bored. “Then why’d you call?” Scully, be glad for the distraction, seriously. I know I am. Mulder’s got a new theory about the case she’s working on, something having to do with a virus, but Scully wants to know if there’s any references in occult literature about objects being able to direct human behaviour. “You mean like Chucky?” he asks mockingly. “Yeah, kinda like that,” Scully deadpans. And in fact there is, especially in New England literature. Mulder goes on a rant about how possessing these objects were said to give the owner a magical power, and how people used to be persecuted for even insisting that such things existed. “Why do you ask?” Mulder interrupts himself. “You didn’t find a talking doll or anything, did you Scully?” “No no, nothing like that,” she lies. Mulder then suggests Scully checks the back of the doll for a plastic string, and Scully rolls her eyes to high heavens before hanging up on him mid-sentence. “Let’s go talk to Melissa Turner,” Scully tells Bonsaint. And they’re off!
“WHERE’S MY POPCORN?!” We’re at Polly’s house and she’s flipping her lid because apparently when a craving hits, it hits hard in this house. Well, at least she’s crazy for popcorn and not ice cream– the last thing that kid needs is sugar. Down in the kitchen, Mommy’s working on the Jiffy Pop and crying her eyes out because guess what– Buddy’s deader than a doornail on the floor. “It’s coming, Polly!” she says, shaking and shaking. Polly’s still screaming though. Listen, Polly, I know it says “jiffy” in the name and all, but even popcorn takes time. Damn.
After the commercial, Mommy’s got the hammer and nails and she’s battening down the hatches of another window, which I kinda don’t get, but whatever. Polly calls her from the staircase and says she can’t sleep, but Mommy tells her to go back to bed because it’s past her bedtime. Polly doesn’t want to hear any more pounding, and apparently neither does the doll in her arms, because it wants to have fun yet again (insert eye roll here), causing Mommy to see herself with the hammer stuck in her forehead crying for help in the reflection of the window. “Everything’s gonna be alright, sweetie, you just go back to bed,” Mommy tells Polly. She walks her up the stairs.
Bonsaint and Scully pull up at Mommy’s house and notice that Buddy’s car is already there. Inside, Mommy locks the hammer that’s soon to be impaled in her head away in the cabinet, and starts pouring gasoline all over the floors and trying to strike a match while Mark Snow’s This Episode Can’t Get Any Worse– Or Can It? tune of suspense plays in the background. Bonsaint knocks on the front door, calling out Mommy’s name, but she doesn’t answer and Scully can’t see anything through the window. Every time Mommy tries to light a match, it won’t work. It finally does, and Mommy sees Polly standing in front of her, seemingly terrified. The doll’s eyes pop open and it says, “Don’t play with matches!” like it’s Smokey the Bear and shit. The match goes out. So do subsequent matches that Mommy lights, and she screams at Polly to go back to bed while Scully and Bonsaint are still knocking and trying to get in. Scully sees Mommy through the window and calls her name, trying to get in the house, but Mommy’s given up on matches and has gone on to knives. The doll’s not having that though, and tells her “Don’t play with knives!”, snapping the drawer closed every time she tries to open it. Scully tells Bonsaint that Mommy has nailed the door shut because she’s trying to kill herself, and they take turns knocking themselves into the door to try to bust it down. Um, hello? Break the windows, fools. I know Bonsaint ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed Scully, but you? I’d have expected better.
Inside, the doll finally figures out what she DOES want to play with– the hammer. The cabinet it was locked in busts open, and shortly after, so does the front door, letting Scully and Bonsaint in, but not before Mommy gets the hammer in her hand and screams for them to get away from her. Scully tells Mommy to put the hammer down and the doll tells her that she doesn’t like her anymore and then Mommy smashes herself in the head with the hammer. Oh, please. And, y’know, “ouch” and stuff. Scully goes to Polly and asks for the doll, but the doll’s all running off at the mouth about playing still and Polly won’t hand it over. Mommy knocks herself in the head a few more times before Polly finally gives the doll over, and then Scully does the most awesome thing in this episode, which I know isn’t saying much, but still: she puts the doll in the microwave and turns on the power, burning the doll to a crisp. Once that happens, Mommy drops the hammer and sobs. Seriously, she’s still conscious? Whatevs, man, I don’t even have the energy to question it. Scully watches the doll as it burns. I wonder if she’s ever tried that with a hamster. I heard that if…oh, nevermind.
LBO. Mulder’s sharpening pencils, blowing off the dust from the points and lying them evenly on his desk. Scully walks in and he quickly folds his hand in front of the pile. “Hey, Scully, how ya doin’?” he asks nervously. “How ya feeling? Rested?” Scully nods that she’s feeling fine, looking slightly annoyed. She surveys the “I Want To Believe” poster behind his desk and asks where he got it from because she wants to get one to send to someone. She walks behind his desk to look closer and Mulder takes this opportunity to open his desk drawer and slide the pencils in, clearing his throat a little to cover the sound. He wants to know who she wants to send the poster to. “Oh, just…some guy, Jack” she answers. Why is she being all shady? Does she want to see if Mulder will get jealous if she hints around that she possibly had a tryst on her weekend away. Mulder doesn’t take the bait, and instead asks if it has something to do with the case she’s on and wants to know if she solved it. “Me? No. I was on vacation, just getting out of my head for a few days” she answers with a sigh. Where’s that book of affirmations when you need it? Mulder gives her a goofy nod and Scully asks if he got anything done while she was gone. Mulder leans back in his chair, arms crossed behind his head. “Oh, God. It’s amazing what I can accomplish without incessant meddling or questioning into everything I do. It’s just …”– but before he can finish, a pencil falls down into his lap. They both look to the ceiling while more pencils fall– he’s got dozens of them stuck up there. “There’s GOT to be an explanation,” Mulder covers sheepishly. “Oh, I don’t know. I think some things are better left unexplained,” Scully says. Another pencil hits him on the head, and she looks at him sort of reproachfully. Those two, I swear. Get a room, already!
Back in what I assume is Maine, a night fisherman pulls up a lobster…and the charred doll, which, even in its burnt state, still wants to play. And then the credits roll, thank the good lord.
Recap by jennisaurusrex