Good Cop, Insane Cop: The Adventures of Moose & Squirrel

Recap by supposebly

FBI Warning: Nice. The FBI warns me to keep this under wraps, don’t share, don’t scare, don’t ever sell these stories to the mass media. Ok, I don’t want to end up like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory. Well, I never wanted to be Mel Gibson, Conspiracy Theory, or not.

I’ve actually never seen the X-files on TV. For now, I’m assuming that that caused my ongoing addiction.

One of those many roads through some forest in British Columbia. Pardon, New Jersey 1947.

And a perfect little American Family singing a perfect little car trip song that this German recapper can’t identify. Oh well. Since this is the teaser, the tire breaks and we are witness to the father’s reassuring tone that it’s just a flat. And of course, it’s never just a flat since this is the teaser and there should be a reason why we would keep watching. Who would watch a guy changing a flat tire? Exactly.

We sweep from a close-up of the father’s flashlight lying in the grass to him grunting while pulling something off the car. It’s not a tire, I can see that. What is he doing?

Well, he hits the flashlight with the tire iron and it rolls down the ditch. That is not how you treat your flashlight! No wonder you won’t make it beyond the teaser.

He follows the flashlight, picks it up and climbs back to the car. Apparently it has taken him so long to pull whatever off the car that his kids have fallen asleep. Maybe he should have let his wife help. She might have surprised everyone with her mad tire-changing skills and then he could have survived.

Anyway, he barely gets the words “honey, would you mind holding the light for secoaaaaaaa! when he comically gets pulled backwards and down. Really fast. I rewind and it’s still cartoonishly funny. The wife runs out, screaming “Paul, what happened?” The flashlight didn’t roll away this time, so she picks it up. However, no answer is forthcoming. We see legs being pulled through the bushes, indicating that this is one dead husband. The kids are apparently still asleep.

This does not bode well for the edge of the seat suspense and the “scaryness” of the story, CC always was so damn proud of. Now, there might be 4 or 5 episodes of the X-files where I might have jumped once or twice and I’m someone who can’t sit through a plain old slasher film a la Friday the 13th. But this one? No.

We cut to men in uniform and dogs running through the forest waving their flashlights around. It seems to be dawn. See, that’s how you treat your flashlight! Uphill and downhill. Running, with the dogs barking and the uniformed men…barking. It’s all very intense and testosterony to quote Phoebe Buffay. Someone yells, “over here, I found something.”

Everyone runs to the yeller and we see a torso in a shirt, which, I’m no fashion expert but that shirt looks rather clean considering it’s been dragged around all night. Someone barfs and someone else provides us with an explanation given in a hoarse, voice. “His leg’s been eaten off.” I’m assuming he is talking about the torso on the ground not the barfer.

The manly men take a few seconds to stand there and stare meaningfully over their moustaches (seriously, they all have one) until we hear someone yelling. “Hey, up here!” Everyone runs uphill to find a guy who says: “It’s in here, it’s as tall as a house!”

Aaand, I’m giggling again. Who wrote that thing? Oh, Chris Carter himself. Well, that explains some things. Not all but some.

They are standing in front of a cave, supposedly someone or something is inside that is tall as a house.

But that always bothers me about those supposed ‘scary’ shows on TV. The teaser almost always kills someone we don’t know, we know we’ll never see again. How can we be scared if some actor gets his leg eaten off? At best, it’s gross, but all I saw was a shirt that was suspiciously clean and blood free.

We get a camera view from inside the cave. There is some back and forth about “smokin’ it out”. Then someone yells: “I see it. He’s coming at us!” Gun fire and cut to credits.

There is this theory that things are scarier if we don’t see them and let our imaginations run wild. Generally, I think that’s true but it would have helped if we had a clearer monster point of view, during that final scene. Some movement towards the shooters, some breathing, something! The way this was shot (pardon the pun), I felt like standing behind a camera, zooming in on one of the shooters, bam, that’s it. I never got the feeling that there ever was someone in that cave.

And the old credits. I still like them. Therefore, I have nothing more to say. I hope they use the music for that second movie that is supposed to get made.

Close up to fingers typing, sweeping to the FBI bullpen (when the X-files offices still seemed to be on the same floor as that bullpen) to one Special Agent Dana Scully in a navy blue suit and red blouse. She’s bouncing through the bull pen and we cut to a close up of Agent Mulder’s face, focused, deep in thought holding a “magazine”. Yes, it’s one of those. No, I don’t think it’s funny. Not yet. Actually, not ever.

This is the fifth episode and the fact that Mulder doesn’t even blink an eye nor tries to cover up, speaks volumes. Since this is the first time his porn obsession is addressed (and you’ll have to call it obsession when he keeps his tapes in the office), this looks like he’s trying to embarrass her. Since Scully is of course above such shenanigans (and TenThirteen’s idea of humour), she is barely able to contain her laughter at this feeble attempt to make her uncomfortable, thus making it clear that this will not work by uttering the infamous line “anti-gravity is right.” Mulder gets it right away and the magazine is thrown on to the desk. Still, he’s acting like a prick. Yes, pun intended.

She has more interesting news anyway. Still kind of bouncing, she announces this news with: “Sorry to interrupt your serious investigation but I just heard a story that’d just about take your knees out.” Now, I understand that Scully is young, happy to work with this attractive albeit weird and annoying partner and wants to tell him something he might appreciate but “take your knees out”? Who talks like that? Still, she’s so tickled by the whole story that I can forgive her. And Carter should thank the gods forever and ever Amen that Gillian Anderson could even at that young age make a clunker line like that work.

She tells him about a murder case in Atlantic City where the victim may have had his left shoulder and arm eaten off emphasizing “by a human”. There is a little back and forth whether it was the mob but she shoots that down quickly pointing out that the victim was a homeless man.

Mulder is clearly intrigued by the story and completely charmed by Scully’s excitement over the story. And he will keep her interested only to see her bounce around some more.

So, of course there is an X-file on the Jersey Devil that includes the case shown in the teaser. Again, if that’s the only reported case, the jumping to the Jersey Devil conclusion is a bit much, even for Mulder. Couldn’t they have a few more cases? No? Ok.

Mulder runs out the office telling Scully to read the file. She clearly has no time for that and probably finds it more amusing to listen to him recite the facts. After his rather dry description, she asks for the autopsy report which, of course, is missing, together with the original file. Mulder does mention that they found human bones and flesh in the 1947 beast man’s large intestine. That does point to digestive problems. Which will come up again.

This is the first time we see them requisitioning a car. I’d like to point out that Duchovny keeps talking while also quickly interrupting himself, asking for a requisitioning form, just like one would do while having a conversation. I like it. Generally, I think he could never hold a candle to Gillian Anderson acting-wise but sometimes I find his choices intriguing. Still, noticeable acting, though.

After some back and forth, Scully is of the opinion, “it’s a folktale, a myth”, he ends the argument with “we’ve got a cannibalised body in New Jersey. Someone or something is hungry.”

The highway to Atlantic City. Sorry, I have no idea whether this makes sense or not.

We cut to the morgue and the pathologist noting that this was no animal, the bite marks can only be human.

Scully, has a closer look while Mulder asks a few more questions as to who found the body (a park ranger). Sully inquires after looking at the teeth marks whether the victim was alive when it happened. The pathologist says that it’s hard to tell she assumes though that the owner of the teeth was a large adult male.

After watching way too many CSI’s I am thinking, one can tell whether an injury is pre- or post-mortem. But then, I hear they make stuff up, too?

Cue to Detective Thompson who is handling the case. Middle-aged, somewhat gruff, and he is not happy about the FBI standing around his corpse satisfying their curiosity. He’s not co-operative, and wants this snarky young FBI agent out of here. Which is never the way to keep Mulder away.

Of course, to set that up, we witness a delightful little scene where Scully points out that Mulder would be just as prissy if someone would interfere with one of his cases. Which is exactly what he is about to do, noting that the guy is without clue and this case needs super special agent Mulder. Scully is not too impressed with him, taunting him with ”you missed your opening, Mulder. You could have really humiliated him and told him who the perpetrator was. Beat The Jersey Devil.” She is seriously amused by the whole thing.

Can I just say, they’re both adorable here. Nobody can tell me that Mulder’s next lines weren’t an attempt to aehm, get to know Scully a little better. His whole demeanour screams clumsy pick-up line. Or it may just be Duchovny’s acting.

Scully still can’t take this seriously. She points out that she needs to be back in D.C. which prompts Mulder to ask whether she has a date. Luckily for him, not all is lost since it’s only her godson’s birthday. This also means he can let her go and throws her the keys. Which signals the end of Scully’s amusement when she whines, “it’s a three hour drive back by myself.” No reaction.“In Friday night traffic.” He keeps walking. Better get used to it, my dear.

Cut to arms pulling at slot machines, chips being thrown and the Mulder taking the Yellow pages to find the number for the Parks Service State of New Jersey. Note, they made a whole page with 555 numbers for the close-up. An older guy walks past and checks for change in the pay phone. Obviously, people in Atlantic City are all desperate gamblers.

Now we cut to the door of the talkative park ranger’s car and he points to the spot where he found the murder victim. That guy always makes me giggle. He always makes these little announcements where his intonation goes all ominous which is of course overkill with a guy like Mulder.

Mulder:” Victim was a homeless guy. You get many of them wandering around out here?”

Park Ranger: “Well, occasionally, I see some, but beat most are scared of the woods.”

Mulder: “Scared? Of what?”

PR: “I don’t know.” With this smirk on his face. “The devil?” Oh, all his life, he’s been waiting for someone like Mulder.

Mulder. “People say that’s just a myth.”

PR: “Depends on who you talk to.”

Mulder: “What do you think?”

PR: “Well, like I said, 32 years, I see a lot of weird stuff.” (I’m sure.) pause. Like one time. A little over 4 years ago, I saw what I thought was a large man come out of a cops of birch trees, not a stitch of clothing, about 60 yards away. He starts sniffing the air, you know, like a dog. And then he looks straight at me, and I swear he smelled me because he took off into the woods so fast, you’d swear he wasn’t human. (Growing up with the metric system I’m not too sure how far 60 yards are but the PR could see the guy, what makes him think the beast man needed to smell him?).

Mulder smiling: “Really.” (A soul like his own!) “You never saw him again?”

PR: “But I feel him. And found things. scab. Like a cat’s, only more human.” ????????

Mulder: “You think it might be what’s responsible for the body you found?”

Now PR mentions his upcoming pension, implying that might be in danger if he goes all out. I mean, now you’re getting careful around this FBI guy? A little late, Mister.

PR: “I tell you one thing, I never come out here without my weapon.”

That’s when Mulder decides to walk back into town. Somehow I don’t think he has his weapon with him.

And we cut to a close-up of a King Kong mask. Yes, it’s an ironic cut. No, it’s neither funny nor scary. Anvilly comes to mind.

The kid bumps head first into a wall and starts crying which causes Scully to work on her maternal instincts. Oh Scully! If you only knew!

And then we cut to a dog eating a birthday cake while being cheered on by a horde of more children. Gross. The cake being eaten by the dog. Not the children. In case I sound like I hate children. I don’t. There are just so many of them and they let the dog eat a cake that they presumably want to eat too.

I think we are supposed to draw some parallels to the wildebeest in the Jersey woods. Something which will be spelled out many more times in this episode.

Scully is very impressed by supermom’s supermommy skills, and I am thinking, at least you won’t wear anything as terrible as, what is this woman wearing? A tent? I have no idea and I really don’t want to dwell on it.

Supermom thinks going through the academy is enough training for motherhood. Well, and keeping an often childish partner in line, too.

Scully thinks she has no time which prompts supermom to implore her to get a life. And a man. Seriously, have you met Scully?

Supermom asks about that partner of hers; interestingly, Scully had mentioned he was cute. Scully has this knee-jerk reaction saying he is a jerk, retracting that statement right away. Oh, come on, Scully, right now, you have all the right to say it. He left you driving back all by yourself! He didn’t just ditch you, he made you ditch him!

Scully: “He’s not a jerk, he’s obsessed with his work.” Pot, meet kettle. A pleasure to meet you.

We cut back to Mulder walking through the woods. I think we are supposed to feel scared for him when there is a cut to a perspective from the woods to Mulder but really, he’s just strollin’.

At the birthday bash, the door bell rings and Scully opens to the father of one of those children. I don’t know the actor’s name but I just saw him in a Supernatural episode where he plays a somewhat annoying realtor. Both characters are really annoying as we will see.

Cut to some back street in Atlantic City where a lot of garbage is lying around in front of a church, no less. That is weird. Mulder is trying to find someone who knew Roger Crockett, the dead guy. One homeless guy walks up to him to ask Mulder what he wants to know. I never forgot the actor’s performance stuck with me, he plays the homeless man with a mixture of bravado, shame, dignity, I don’t know but he makes you feel sorry for him without losing respect for him. It’s fantastic.

He shows Mulder the, oh man, the drawing of the beast man. I suck at drawing and I have no sense of more than two dimensions on paper but I could do better. Most 2year olds can do better. All 4year olds can do better.

Mulder rewards him with his hotel keys, assuring him that they have HBO there. The homeless guy gets this adorable grin and scampers away. It’s a nice little scene, if it weren’t for that ridiculous drawing.

Mulder at night, sitting, wrapped in a blanket and almost falling asleep. Someone or something climbs about and Mulder tries to follow. According to his statement to Scully later moving really fast and graceful. From where I’m sitting, not so fast and not very graceful considering the ruckus.

He runs out, whistles up the roof and sees her. Cue cop cars driving up and cops trying to put him in jail. I don’t know why. It makes no sense. There is a guy, in a suit, obviously not homeless, well yelling that there is a man on the roof. How does that make him drunk? Why would they take him to prison? And didn’t he show them his FBI badge?

Anyway. That gives us a nice little scene with detective Thompson and Mulder being obnoxious. He shows the detective the drawing and I’m with Thompson here when he laughs heartily. Who wouldn’t? What makes less sense is keeping special agent of the FBI Mulder in the drunk tank until Monday morning. On the other hand, he almost deserves it, showing that drawing around.

It’s Monday morning and thank god, Scully ditched the red suit for a grey one. Walking through the bullpen, she’s still somewhat bouncing. Maybe it’s only the hair that’s bouncing or just the prospect of seeing her partner. I don’t know. Some woman tells her it’s Mulder on the phone. The conversation probably is more of “the we are all just wildebeests” parallel. Or not.

It’s Mulder calling from the drunk tank, info Scully repeats somewhat loudly and a guy overhears.

Cut to them walking out of the “station”. Scully is really enjoying Mulders’ somewhat bedraggled appearance and well, not letting him live this down any time soon.

Scully: “Well, it’s not hard to see why they mistook you for a vagrant.”

Mulder: “You’re gonna rag on me or are you gonna take me to get something to eat.”

Scully: “Am I buying or did you manage to panhandle some spare change while you’re at it?”

Heh.

Mulder is eating while gushing about the speed and grace of the Jersey Devil. Scully just can’t take him seriously.

Scully: “What’s gonna happen when word of this gets back to the Bureau?”

Well, Scully you’re loud conversation probably made sure that word is already at the Bureau.

I love Sully’s: “Mulder listen to yourself you’re already ascribing a motive and an alibi. This thing chewed somebody’s arm off, it’s not exactly a defensive posture.”

This is when Scully’s scepticism still made sense. I just read the recap for “Beginning” and wow did that one not make sense any more.

Mulder wants to stay but Scully needs to get back to Washington.

Mulder dismissively asks whether it’s another birthday party.

Scully pointedly answers, No. Mental drum roll. I have date. Dun!

It’s funny how Scully takes a sip while at the same time trying to gauge Mulder’s reaction to her announcement.

Mulder isn’t too impressed and just asks if she can cancel.

Scully: “Unlike you Mulder, I would like to have a life.”

Mulder finally seems to catch up on where Scully is going with this and answers cheerfully: “I have a life!”

Scully takes in his unshaven, rumpled appearance and chuckles.

I love the subtext here. Scully is trying like hell to find out whether Mulder would be interested in a “life” beyond the work while Mulder needs it spelled out, noting that this is all the life he needs.

And I have to say it: girl, this will be your last date for three years. Until you have a date with a guy who talks to his tattoo. Just sayin’.

I think they are meeting with an anthropologist, a former teacher of Sculy’s. The guy’s point is, as soon as humans enter an area every other species suffers.

I think this is stupid but then I’m recapping an episode that takes the Jersey Devil as reality.

Mulder hypothesizes what if there is a higher evolved animal that could outdo the human species. Note that he adds that that higher species would have no language. Absolutely, that species would be very evolved.

There are 2 or three of them and they may have eaten 2 people. No matter how little evolved humans are, this does not look like successful evolution.

Hello, Mulder with glasses, looking at pictures of footprints and another bad drawing.

This is unfortunately just as boring as Scully’s date turns out to be. The only “interesting” part is what Scully has on her head. That hairdo does not do her any favours. Nor does the sparkly top. Yeah, obviously not much opportunity to dress for a date, honey. Mr not realtor tells her about his divorce and his relationship with his son, implying that Scully will find her way too once she has children. Shudder. Just throw your glass in his face.

She’s just bored out of her mind. He’s relentless, suggesting they take the kids to the beach (kids including Scully’s godson who we will never see again), and she replies with the fakest “yeah!” Really throw that glass! Now!

He does ask about her case but noticing what is he eating? she refrains.

Mulder is sitting in his office that does not seem to be in the basement yet. He gets a call from the PR who found another male body that he thinks is the devil.

Scully gets paged and jumps at her purse.

It’s Mulder of course, even apologizing although, really she couldn’t be more grateful at this point.

He just had ‘an amazing thought’: “maybe it isn’t a beast man we’re looking for.” And that is why you call your female partner. Mulder, I have to go with Scully here although she’s really not making much of a point with her date. You need to get out more!

He just got excited at the thought of looking for a beast woman! Or please go back to your porn, Mister.

Back at the Atlantic City morgue, PR and the anthropologist are there, too.

Scully is wearing read again. And the body is missing. Which prompts some of Mulder’s paranoid conspiracy ramblings.

We cut to them in front of a fence and Professor anthropologist telling us that if it is a primate it would have a natural fear of heights.

The hell? My admiration of chimpanzees just got bigger if they have to overcome their “natural” fear of heights every damn day. Wow.

Mulder points out that this thing has no fear of heights.

Ok, then, it’s not a primate? Sometimes TV dialogue makes me very, very tired.

They enter an abandoned factory? Then they wander around philosophizing about the bestiality of the human species and the emotions of the wildebeest.

Mulder: “8 million years out of Africa. Maybe we’re not that different.”

Scully argues with technological progress. Mulder argues against it with the destruction of our environment. I argue that this counter argument makes no damn sense.

I thought Mulder assumes this devil is a higher evolutionary step from humanity. Or not? Just some sort of animal? But then why would he acre so much?

The police notice the PR’s car outside and get suspicious because? Oh well.

Professor Anthrpologist finds bloody rags and there is no point to this scene.

Guys in uniform and with guns are surrounding the building.

And Mulder and Scully keep on walking. Scully is hitting us over the head with the parallel anvil pointing out the wild children at the party.

That’s when they hear the police.

And we keep on walking. Until Mulder finally sees someone running outside. Scully has lost him already. We see Mulder jumping out the window and running on all fours which gives us a nice special agent ass shot. And a visual anvil on the human beast parallel.

Scully sees him running outside and does the jump-roll, too, staying on her legs, though.

Mulder runs after the beast woman into a basement with a fan which gives a nice flickering lighting. Beast woman jumps Mulder, and he seems a little dazed, either from the fall or the beauty of the beast woman. He’s obviously not even trying to get up. Oh Mulder. One shudders to think what he would do if the aliens look like naked women.

Beast woman hits him when Scully comes to the rescue and the following exchange is why I still watch this episode once in a while.

Scully in full-on doctor mode: “Mulder you’re hurt.”

Mulder gushingly: “You should’ve seen her. She was beautiful!”

Scully (dryly): “Well, she just about ripped your lungs out.”

Heh.

Cut to Mulder sitting in the back of an ambulance still trying to convince Scully that the beast woman is oh so wonderful! “She could have torn my head off but she sensed that I wasn’t a threat.” That’s when the paramedic definitely hurts him.

Mulder, she ripped a hole in your chest. I’m thinking, she may not have thought you’re a threat but she definitely thought you would make a nice breakfast. Scully isn’t listening because she is on the phone trying to get jurisdiction. Unsuccessfully, although she and we get a nice long shot of the Mulder abs. Strangely enough, Scully doesn’t seem to pay attention.

PR shows up to tell them that the beast woman is cornered in a building. We also see detective Thompson again on a radio with the SWAT team, keeping Mulder and his gang away. The beast woman apparently gets away and runs into the woods.

Aand we’re back in the foggy woods with the uniformed men while gang Mulder is in the PR’s van. PR apparently knows where the beast woman would be going, although I have no idea. Locations in this episode make not a lot of sense, I never get how far these woods are away from Atlantic City.

PR shoots the beast woman who just plucks the tranquilizer dart out of her shoulder and keeps going. Good for you, beast woman! Run, beast woman! Run like the wind!

Gang Mulder ends up on a bridge where they hear a shot fired. More running, and we meet the uniforms standing around the body of the beast woman. Leaves are strategically placed to hide her naughty bits although she lying on her stomach. Mulder yells accusingly at detective Thompson who cements his characterization as antagonist.

Scully graps Mulder’s arm to stop him from hitting the detective. And without her having to pull him, he follows her. Aw. PR is sad too. And my mind just went to a gutter place it’s never been before I recapped this episode. Is that what recapping does to you? It doesn’t help that in his office, Mulder keeps looking longingly at the pictures of the dead naked beast woman. Stop it!

Scully enters with the autopsy report. Human bones in the digestive tract. That woman must also have had bad digestion.

Mulder notes that there must be offspring which finally gets Scully to implore Mulder to just get out, have a beer, she’d cover for him. I think this is the first and last time she suggests that he should go out without her. I might be wrong but I don’t think I am.

The phone rings and it’s not-realtor guy who has tickets and his son that night. He thinks she could ask supermom for her son to take out with them. Seriously, what is wrong with this guy? You bring your son to a date and suggest your date bring a borrowed kid?

We don’t hear Scully’s answer but we see her following Mulder to the car requisition desk. And the next exchange seals Scully’s dateless fate for the next three years.

Mulder: “Who was that on the phone?”

Subtext: Thou shall not have phone calls from anyone but me

Scully: “A guy.”

Subtext: I still pretend to have other phone calls.

Mulder: A guy. Same guy you had dinner with the other night?

Subtext: Thou shall not have dinner except alone or with me.

Scully: Same guy.

Subtext: Aehm

Mulder: You’ll have dinner with him again?

Subtext: Thou shall not have dinner except alone or with me.

Scully: I don’t think so.

Subtext: Just shut up already. I’m yours.

Mulder: No interest.

Subtext: Well done.

Scully: Not at this time.

Subtext: I may one day.

She follows him. No more subtext.

Mulder: “What are you doing?”

Scully: “Coming with you to the Smithsonian.”

Mulder: “Don’t you have a life, Scully?”

Scully: “Keep that up Mulder and I hurt you like that beast woman.”

Mulder: “8 million years out of Africa.”

Scully: “And look who’s holding the door.”

And this is when for me, Scully’s fate was sealed.

Still, she had a choice between not-realtor guy who wanted her to have children and Mulder. I guess, looks won out.

Epilogue: A guy is hiking in the woods with his son and we see a dirty kid lurking under some branches. Whatever.

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Recap by supposebly